Terminally Single

This is the longest period of my life I have been single. I stopped counting after two years. I have been boy crazy since my thirteenth birthday. Countless guys have flown through my life. I have to admit a lot by my doing. I have a series or reasons for my fickleness. My mom could never maintain a relationship. Yes she was married to my father for about five years. Yes she has had boyfriends. Her relationships were always a series of being together and not together. The break ups and getting back together. My father has been married three times. Even though his last wife he maintained a 30 plus relationship with. I never liked her and she never liked me. So it is fair to say I was not a part of that extended family. No true family with a man and a woman maintaining an example of a relationship for me to mirror.

I always told myself I was not going to be like my mother. I had various issues with my childhood that made me form that decision. I have now come to respect certain things about my mom. The bad parts of my childhood still ring in my mind. I have no idea how much it really plays in the presence. The trait I didn’t realize I have from my mom is to call it quits the moment I feel uncomfortable. Yes I am the woman who will get rid of you before you get rid of me. A defense mechanism that was created with an absent family, I have no idea how to fix this issue.

What I have learned is everyone has issues. It is a matter of a choice of what you are willing to deal with. I have to say I was never willing to deal with anything. I know that is my issue. I always felt valid why I got rid of someone. It has turned into the joke of my friends and even ex boyfriends that I maintain a friendship with. I have to admit I have never been dateless. When my weight almost topped three hundred pounds I always had dates. I know my choice in men changed dramatically with my weight loss. When I was obese I would let myself be chosen by who wanted to deal with a BBW. When I lost the weight I made more of the choices. My weight loss brought me a confidence I never had before.

I have been part of the internet dating community since 1995. I have been labeled a serial dater even some like to call me a pimp. I have friends who wanted to hear all about every date I had. I was the running joke about my dating fiasco. I have to say I have been on over a hundred dates. Yes I have had relationships in between. When I came up with my excuse of why the relationship was over, I would begin my quest for my next date. I really gotten callus to the ending or relationships. My aunt said I was the most resultant person she known.

Now looking back I feel like I needed a good therapist. I was very free especially with my body. Thank god I am disease free but always maintained a safe sex rule and no one was allowed to touch me without a condom. Yes that even included men I had a relationship with. The health teacher who enforced you are sleeping with everyone they ever slept with always rang in my head. I had casual sex without a second thought of the destruction it was doing to my life. I was watching the movie girl interrupted. There was a line in the movie that struck me “ Promiscuousness was a form of depression”. I have always had depression issues. Was this one of the ways I used to deal with it? I know food was definitely one.

I always considered my sexual freedom as a new Millennium movement. I was not the only one free with her sexuality by far. As a teenager no one would admit their sexual conquest. As an adult I realize how many women was exactly the same way. Were we all free from society norms or were we all depressed? I guess I have no answer for those other women. Nor do I have the answer for myself. I know every sexual encounter that usually happened with not much knowledge of the other person took something from me.

With these sexual encounters men would have very different opinions of me. Some would feel that I was a tramp and I wouldn’t hear from them again. Some enjoyed my carefree nature as it comes to sex and stay for a booty call relationship that had a short shelf life. When I was sick of the sexual activity with no emotion I ended them. Several relationships did come out of my cavalier attitude to dating a sex.

I have to say during my life there were men who loved me. The question is why did I not accept that love and move forward with them? I am sure I have had a good reason at the time. I sure cannot re write history at this point. It has lingered in my mind that I let go of possible quality men. I do say possible because I have no idea what the relationships would have materialized to.

Now my present singleton situation and how it came to be. I was dating this guy who told me everything I wanted to hear. It was like the prince with the white horse showed up. He wanted everything I wanted. I should have new better and not been so gullible. I usually have my guard up, or know exactly what I am getting into. This was the biggest slap in the face that has ever happened. Not that this have not happened before, but I felt like it was a blitz attach I was not prepared. We had sex then he disappeared. I never would have guessed this was the type of bullshit that this dude would do. I finally got his coward ass on the phone. He went on to tell me all the things he told me was not what he was looking for. Then pulled the lets be friends line. He even said he would help me with my writing. O.K. I knew what was going on. This was the lets be friends to help him feel that he wasn’t the jerk he was. It was to help him sleep at night. I told him I was not interested in his friendship. I let him talk and said I had something to say. Then this jerk had a nerve to say “Let’s leave it on a good note”. Now come on. You told me a bunch of lies to get some sex which showed me you are a asshole and now you want to leave it on a good note. I had only one thing to say. I was not getting off the phone until I said it. He finally stopped being a bitch and let me speaks. I told him “if you change your mind do not call me back Good BYE!!!” I hung up and that was it.

Now being used for sex isn’t that big deal to me. I guess it should be more than it is. The problem with this whole situation I pride myself on not being naive. I fell for the oaky doke hook line and sinker. I felt like a real fool.

I began to reevaluate myself and my dating history and what I really want. Some would think I am bitter. By no way am I bitter. My friends would say I am hard and don’t give people a chance. They also don’t know the back story of my dating history. All judgment comes from past experience. So over these years I have no interest in anything casual. In Atlanta where these men are all about the casual can make dating difficult. When I was all about the casual I had someone all the time. Now if you are not coming correct I don’t have time or interest. I would rather be sitting home with my dog chilling in peace. I do believe there is a man for me. These years of being single has taught me more about myself and my needs and wanting them met. It has been a lonely journey and uneventful. I do have faith that it will not be my entire life. I am just tired of my heart being ripped out. I know this blog has more questions than answers. Welcome to my World!!!



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