Mystery of Youth

A Video that described Atlanta when I got here:

I have been to most of the clubs in the video

I was invincible with endless possibilities. My youth is over and reality verses possibility is the gift of age. I hated high school I was fat and unpopular. I did have boyfriends from the city I lived. None in the suburbia I was bused to school. Good friends were created, many I still have in my life at present. College was going to be an exciting new phase. The experience turned out to be even worse than high school. Now I am stuck on a college campus and did not have my city to retreat to. My weight spiked with depression and the basic bad college eating habits. I just took eating to deal with my issues to new heights.

My twenties are where I blossomed. Losing 100 pounds was the biggest factor in my change. I looked better than I did in my teenage years. Then I decided to change my world completely. I moved to Atlanta the hot city to be at the time. I wanted to go where no one knew my name. I was no longer the ex fat girl. My total recreation began. I could go and buy clothes out of stores I never even bothered to go into before. Men who would have never looked at me in my fat days were suddenly interested. I parted like I had something to prove. Having late nights at clubs was a regular occurrence. New city no friends I would go alone. I had cousin in town but they all had kids. I did not want to plan my fun behind their baby sitting schedules. I was free from the past of the old me and having fun with the new me. I knew no fear. My friends at home were shocked by my new found self esteem. I was living the life of youth. Dancing, dating casual encounters with very handsome men. There were a few relationships in between. Still I had no worries, no pressure. I really didn’t take much seriously. I still had endless possibilities on my mind. Time passes beyond quickly. 10 years have passed and at the speed of lightning. Now I am 36 and possibilities do not seem endless. They are still there but they don’t seem endless. Partying is no longer attractive. Causal encounters are no longer a part of my life. Dating has decreased dramatically. I no longer waste my time with men with no possible future, no matter how handsome they are. My life has done a 180. Most of my friends are married with kids. At times I wondered if my single condition was a product of my misguided youth.  My youth made me feel there would always be time. Now the time has slipped away. Carefree is how I spent those years. Looking back I enjoyed life. I cannot look back and say I didn’t enjoy my twenties to the fullest. Marriage and kids were an afterthought at that time. I was in no hurry to get married. Until I met one man and wanted to marry him. Clearly that didn’t work out since my status is still single never married on any form I fill out. I was actually asked three different times to get married. Well no rings were bought but marriage was discussed. I was not trying to hear it; I had too much life to live. Marriage would always be a possibilities one day. I would never have imagined I would be single at this age. That never played out in my thoughts. I had no concept of my child bearing window closing in on me. If I had this recollection earlier would I have changed my past actions? Would I have taken a better look at the men who passed through my life? Instead of just thinking one would always be available when I was ready? I cannot rewrite the past all I have is the present and future. I know I am taking things more seriously now.

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Dopamine-Responsive Dystonia and Pregnancy

I always had it in the back of my head what I would do if I got pregnant. I have been on a Parkinson’s disease medication since I was 19 years old. I was diagnosed with a Dopamine deficiency.  I knew not taking the medicine all the symptoms that miraculously went away would begin to come back.  When I started taking the medication my condition was becoming crippling.

Since taking the medication I was told by my Parkinson’s disease specialist that if my symptoms stay at rest then I do not need to see him.  I took his advice and just went to regular check up.  I brought my medical records so I would never have an issue getting my medications.

I always knew I needed to go to the doctors to get some answers.  The miracle medication could be harmful to my future child. There are no studies of pregnant women taking this medication.

It was never important until now. I want children. Yes I decided I want children not just a child.  My need to have at least two has a lot to do with my only child status. I would have loved to have a sibling.  I do have a cousin that is more of a brother than a cousin. Thank god for him or I would really be alone.

On my search to find answers I had to locate a Parkinson’s disease specialist in GA.  I took the in net work list of my health insurance in search for a neurologist and started to make calls. I swear I was on the phone for an hour looking for a Parkinson specialist. I needed a doctor that deals with medication primarily. I did not want a neurologist that sees Parkinson patients.  I finally found one and made an appointment.

I didn’t get any real answers from the Neurologist appointment. He was a real nice guy and was very understanding of my situation. He didn’t ask any questions of how this baby was going to come to be. I really appreciated that, I did not want to go into the conversation of being a single mother by choice.  It wasn’t the focus of the appointment and I did not want the conversation to steer that way.

Basically he said he really didn’t know but would do research and consult another doctor.  I asked him if I had to come back or could he tell me this information on the phone.  I am cheap and didn’t want to spend another 40 bucks to get this information.

Three weeks had passed and I called several times.  I did get comforted from the nurse who said she witness people who came into the office taking the same medication having healthy babies.

Finally I had my phone consultation. I was nervous about the call. I told the receptionist at my job to page me if I was not at my desk. I did not want to miss the call and play phone tag with the doctor. It took three weeks to get to this point.  I was trying to stay positive that no matter what he said I would be OK.

I got the best news. Not perfect news but still good.  He said there is a risk but he felt it was minimal. During the three-week wait I faxed him the information I found online. He said he received the information. He explained that the low dosage would not create a problem.  Not taking the medication would make any pregnancy for me very difficult.  Not perfect news. I would have loved to hear that they know it would not hurt my future child.  There is a risk and I will have decided if I am going to take that risk.  This news has eased my mind a whole lot. Now it is decision-making time.  I am supposed to have a date this weekend.  It hasn’t been confirmed.  We have been talking on the phone seems like a cool dude. Who knows I could have a baby doing the baby dance instead of being fertilized in an office.  I know which one I would prefer!!

Should I go home?

You can never go home again. A phrase I heard in passing. I never understood the meaning. I have been homesick for a while now. I moved away from my home town almost ten years ago. I was so happy to leave. I felt I was drowning in Boston. I always wanted to leave and finally found the courage.

At the time Atlanta was the place to be. I enjoyed my new found freedom. The freedom I found of being on my own. The freedom of not knowing anyone was great. In Boston it seemed like everyone I met was six degrees of separation from my life.

Now ten years has passed and I created a life in Georgia. I have a house and friends that have been there for me. The family I had moved away and left me in this city. When they first left I was cool with it. Now I have been longing for a family connection.

When I do visit Boston I am ready to go back to Georgia after a few days. Boston just seems so depressing. I’m ready to get on the plane to my comfort zone. I am ready to get back to my house with central air and heat. I have been spoiled by my Georgia living. Boston is a very old city with old homes. They do not have the comforts I have become accustomed to.  I wish I could pick up my house and bring it to Boston.

At this point I really thought I would have a family of my own. The glitz of Atlanta has faded. The house I was so proud to purchase in 2003 feels like a noose around my neck. If I was a renter not a owner I could leave this state the way I entered it with no obligations.

My family wants me home. I do miss them and have had fantasies of going home.

The problem is it is a fantasy. Will I be happy in Boston? That’s the million dollar question. Will the missing my family be different when I’m in there face all the time? Will I be able to deal with blizzard conditions? Will I feel like I lost my independence I desperately wanted ten years ago?

No decision will be made today. I have a lot of thinking to do. I do miss my family, but maybe I just need to visit more.