Decisions, Decisions

Well Mr. Ex who might be Mr. Back in my life is out of the country.  He will not be back for two weeks. He actually was doing a great job of keeping in contact then in our previous relationship. He had to go out of the country for work.  I knew I wouldn’t be talking to him. His cell phone is not international. He was supposed to be emailing. Not sure what has happened with that. I have not received an email. Oh well living life doing my own thing. We will see what happens when he gets back.  I am not sweating the small things anymore.

I went to a seminar at the Feminist Woman’s Center in Atlanta. They have a small reproductive program. I even told him that is where I was going.  I have been honest with him concerning my plan to be a mother. Regardless of what happens with him and me. Now it would be nice if we work out and he can be my partner in my dream.  I have to do what I have to do.

I really liked this place. It is geared to lesbians and single mothers by choice. When I went to Georgia Reproductive I was surrounded by couples trying to get pregnant. Now at this Woman’s Center I am again surrounded by couples trying to get pregnant. Granted these are lesbian women that were referring to each other as their partners.  I was thinking it seems like everyone has a partner but me. I called my neighbor and said you should have come and faked to be my partner. We both shared a good laugh.

Ok I am single no partner at the moment. I have a possibility of a partner which is very new situation which I am trying to stay positive about.

So my plan B. If Mr. Ex doesn’t turn into a relationship, I am laying down the credit card and getting knocked up. Granted my biggest worry has always been spending money I don’t have. I have to say at this moment I don’t care. I will work it out later. I told my aunt that if Mr. Man doesn’t work out, I will be getting pregnant and moving back home.

She was shocked by my declaration but liked the idea for her selfish reason. I know I am missed by my family. I know coming home regardless of the drama that family brings. I will have a support system to help me with my child. Babies tend to bring new life to families. I know a child of mine would do that for my little family.  I really do like the Woman’s clinic reproductive program. First it is half the price of the big reproductive centers in Atlanta. Second they seem to really care and not just in it for a check. The counselor of the program had two children through the program. That gave me the personal touch that I desire. My thoughts are all over the place. I am trying to feel good about the weekend coming to an end and going to work tomorrow. It is not going well but I do appreciate having a job, especially in the economy. That fact of appreciation still does not make me thrilled that the weekend is almost over.

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I miss my FAMILY!!

When I moved to Georgia I was running from Boston. I wanted a new life and to get as far away from my family as possible. I actually moved in with a cousin that moved to Georgia a few years before. We had a falling out. Family drama followed me to Georgia. Now looking back where there is family there is possible drama no matter what state you are in. I no longer talk to that cousin. It has been eight years and counting and I have to say I do not miss that relationship.  It took me a long time to realize family does not get a pass. I had family members in my life that I wouldn’t even be friends with if I met them in the street. It seemed that they would do me wrong and use the word family as there get out of jail free card. That card was revoked.

Even thought I no longer had a relationship with that cousin. I had a few other cousins in Georgia that I was close to. One lived with me for several years. They have both have left Georgia and I started to feel lonely. That is how my dog came into my life.

My cousin has come to visit this weekend. I last saw him at a funeral last year. When he came in the door I realized how much I miss him. I am an only child. He is the closest thing to a brother I will ever have. He has always been in my corner as an older brother. This is funny because I am older by three months. I do not have a big family and we are not close in any real way. We do not have family reunions. We don’t converse on a regular basis. You only see our family at funeral. Usually it is funerals and weddings. My family does not have that many wedding sad to say but true.

Even thought my part of family I am close to is very small I miss them. Seeing him today just brought those feelings home. I really thought by now I would have my own family. I thought I would have a husband and children to fill my world. Life is not a predictable thing. Ten years ago when I left the city I was born and raised, I never thought I would miss the things I left.

My ex is back and I have to say I will be beyond a happy camper if it works out. I still have my plan B. I am going to a seminar at a woman’s clinic that has a small reproductive center. They are a fraction of the price of the big reproductive centers here. I need to keep my options open. I am hopeful about this possible relationship. I just no in life there are no guarantees.

1st 2nd 3rd Chance

An old relationship presents its self again. This person I dated on and off for two years have come back into my life. I wanted to get married he did not. So I left him. Even though our two year on and off again relationship was turbulent I still wanted him to be my husband. We vibe on so many levels:

1)    We were both cheap. (He was never cheap when it came to me) Our frugalness was very similar which I never thought I would meet a man that shared that trait.

2)    He loved me exactly the way I was. I was about forty pounds heavier, and insecure. My weight never bothered him. He also made the comment “it doesn’t matter to me if you gained weight. You look good to me”.

3)    He is Mr. fix it. My mother always said find a man that knows how to fix things. My mom always had men in her life that could take care of business. Anything went wrong with the house or her car; she had someone to fix it. He’s that type of guy. He’s fixed my car and handled things in my house.

There are many other things, but the major problem was he didn’t want me from the long haul.  I will not sit here and say we didn’t have issues. We did. All relationships are hard but I felt our good out weight the bad.  Clearly we were not on the same page. That was made clear when he didn’t want to take the relationship to the next step. Shocking a man that won’t commit!! So after I finally called it quits. It took me a long time to say what I mean and mean what I say. I love this man but refused to let him string me along. It was dramatic ending as my life always tends to be. He was at my house in the rain begging me to take him back. Once he finally accepted that wasn’t happening. We would talk various times over the next eight years.

Well he’s back and sounds like he wants to make major moves. I don’t know how to feel. Am I ready to be married and have children?  Hell yeah, I been ready!! Is he serious or full of shit? I’m not ready for this man playing with my emotions. We’ll see what happens. I don’t know what my next move will be. I’m treading lightly. Will this the answers to my prayers? Or will it be a sad entry into my dating failures?

What the Hell

Well I went out Friday night. A friend I met at the single mothers by choice group decided we need to get out the house. We have become very close after meeting during one of the group events. I have yet to go back not sure what my course of action will be where that is concerned. I ran home after a hectic week at work to take a shower and get dressed for a night out. My hair was looking crazy I had no idea what I was going to do with it. Gel was going to be my friend tonight. Looking in my closet I was hit with the reality that I need some clothes. I managed to pull together an outfit I felt comfortable and attractive in. It took forever but got done. I even had some cute accessories to match, which I found looking for some earrings.

I was ready to meet some new and interesting people, preferable men. We get to this lounge it was very upscale. Not a haunt I would have chosen but nice. Three women sitting at a table on the roof of a building being chatted up by a waiter that wanted a good tip. He did get a decent tip from me because he was very attentive. A sea of women was in this place. Not a good sign. It seemed like every man was accompanied by an entourage of women. I went downstairs to survey the rest of the place. It was the same a sea of women and a few men in the mix. I go back to my table. On my way up the stairs I did flirt with a handsome man who had a lot of freckles. He was polite but clearly not trying to keep in touch with me. So in my usually fashion I said to myself moving on.

As we are talking at the table this guy comes up and asked for a chair for his friend. The friend he was referring to was another guy. We looked at him like he was crazy. I said “a guy sent you over here to get a chair for him”. We all started making jokes. Why the hell would a man break his neck to get a chair for another man? This started a funny conversation, with this fool trying to get our chair. Then the guy he was getting the chair for came over and said “what is up with the chair”. We all looked at him like are you serious. Not only did you send this fool flunky over here to get you a chair now you going to come over here and demand to know why he didn’t get the chair. He wasn’t getting the chair now. I could care less about the chair we weren’t using it. I just was not letting this arrogant asshole have it. He walked away and went back to his sea of women he was hanging with. His flunky did say a pleasant good bye and left. Another hour passed and I was ready to go. I left my friends at the table and headed to my car.

Walking down the street I saw some people hanging outside. I struck a conversation with the group. I thought why not hangout and meet some new people.  This guy walked out of the bar and introduced himself into the conversation which was fine I did the same thing. Then that guy and I ended up being the only two outside talking. So as we are talking two guys come up who are clearly gay. The guy I am talking to kisses one of the guys on the lips. All I can think is damn I wasn’t prepared for that.

I have nothing against homosexuals. I just really thought this guy was talking to me out of interest not just trying to kill time. Clearly I was wrong. I went to my car thinking I got dressed up for this shit. My night was a total bust it started off with enthusiasm and ended with resentment. I am too old for this mess.