What a Sunday!

I will start with another bad date. Yes his teeth were a wreak. One of my biggest pet peeves. They don’t have to be perfect. The teeth have to at least be decent. Then he said I was slimmer in my pictures. I was ready to go. I am having no luck in the dating department.
I made the correct decision not to go to speed dating. No men showed up. I would have been beyond pissed if I went. Thank god I was not in the mood and bowed out. I do have a cookout to go to this weekend.

I did start the gym on Saturday and have been three times already. I am proud of myself. Hopefully I will keep it up. I am that lame chick who buys gym memberships and never goes. At least I was smart enough to get no contract this time. I love to people watch. The gym is usually a great place. In my early observation a lot of the men there look gay. I didn’t feel like going but I am glad I did.

Mr. shitty paints has been beyond clingy. He is use to spending more time with me. I have spoiled my dog with excessive time. I am lame and had no social schedule for about a year. Well that is about change. I am going to start having a life. That is the plan. Wish me luck.


No big plans

I was given some invitations. I bowed out. The first was a Halloween party. At the tune of 30 bucks. Which did not include parking. I am not a big fan of dressing up. I considered it for a min. Then that went out the window. The second was speed dating. I was really considering that offer. This event cost 25.00.

I went to a few stores looking for an outfit. I found nothing. I am not a shopper. I actually hate shopping. I wasn’t in the mood today to find something that made me look cute. Then I thought about it 25.00 to get in. Then a new outfit cost. After considering my budget I decided I really didn’t want to go. So now I am home on a Saturday night with no plans.

I did join Planet Fitness. At the tune of 10 dollars a month. I also met my friend at the gym who is a member. Coming in with her I got to join for five bucks. Can’t beat that.

On my first day of gym membership I walked on the Treadmill for an hour. I am not totally cheap. I did stop by Best Buy to purchase a MP3 player. I purchased a SanDisk at the tune of 50bucks. I had to upgrade from my clunky CD player. Who new CD players are old school. I am so not the tech girl. I have boycotted technology for so long. I guess I have no choice but to get with it.

It worked great for my first day at planet fitness. I have already been put on notice there are a lot of cute guys that are members. To bad I do not have cute workout clothes. When did clothes you sweat in are supposed to be cute. I am so behind the times.

I am going back tomorrow with my not so cute workout clothes. I need to drop twenty pounds. To tone up the flab wouldn’t hurt. I own a treadmill but getting out the house works a whole lot better.

Is god telling me something?

To understand this post I will have to tell you a little bit about me. I have been a big internet dater. Yes, since 1997 I have been on a lot of dates via the internet. I have also met a lot of people on the web that I have not met in person.  Ok my dirty little secret is out.

Well this one guy keeps showing up in my life. Handsome police officer. I met him online a good six years ago. He has asked me out at least a dozen times over the years. We have run across each other several different times and ways.

While dating on the net I have a few questions I ask. If you give me an answer I do not like, there is no date. One of my questions, if you get married and your wife gets fat what would you do?  I have gotten a wide range of answers. Some great, such as it doesn’t matter because I love her. Others I didn’t like. She will have to do something about that. I didn’t meet her that way. Cleary these men have never had a weight problem.

Why is this important to me? I am a reformed big girl. I have not had the gastro  bypass surgery. I am maintaining over a hundred pound weight loss (which is a long story). So looking at me you don not know this size 8-10 use to be a 24. With that I can not and will not promise I will be this size the rest of my life. One day at a time I am this size. I know where I can go. I never want to be a 24 again. I still can’t make any promises. Usually people are fat for a reason. One of my reasons can be depression.

The funny thing is my married friends never thought they would be fat. If a man asked them that question when they were an average size I am sure they would say sure I will never be a big girl. They would be honest, thinking they would never let themselves get that way. Now in the present they are plus sizes. I am sure they wouldn’t have predicted that.

So point-blank I need a man for me. Not pissed off and looking at me crazy because I gained weight.

All this to say he showed up again. The handsome cop. He clearly does not remember when we met in person. I was coming out of a club a few years ago with my friends. He was in the patrol car. He looked exactly like his picture and I introduced myself. He never answer my question in a way that he has made it to date one. Weight loss would not be a billion dollar business if things were so easy. I do not remember his various over the years. The one theme I do remember is a woman with him should not as he put it, let her self go and get fat. Like people do that on purpose.

Maybe I will let him take me on a date. I still stand by my question. I get fat I don’t want to hear any CRAP!!!

Deleted from my Life

I went through my phone and yahoo buddy list and started pressing delete. The phone is not a big deal. If I don’t remember you, or I haven’t talked to you in a long time. I pressed delete.

My Yahoo buddy list is a different story.  I have had these people on this list for years. I always went back to my old friends I met at some point in my life. I know it sounds crazy but I have some very long internet relationships. No I haven’t met these people. They are just online at three am  or whenever to chat when I need a friend. I guess a fake friend.

I started going through my yahoo buddy list and realize I have used the sleath setting to be permanently offline for a lot of people. If you piss me off which happens often. I don’t want you to know when I am online. Usually men looking for sex or just being rude get this setting.

I also deleted my casual encounter person. This is an eight year relationship over. I am morning it some what. I need to focus on new in my life. Not going back to old for random reasons. That situation will never be the kind of relationship I desire. So I put an end to it. I deleted his phone number, email address and yahoo IM screen name. I know me I always go back when things are going bad.

I am a new woman. I need to respect my future and its blessings. No more resurrecting the past. The past is over, the future you can’t predict. I need to live in the present. I told my friend yesterday. If  money came into my world tomorrow. Which I could take care of my debt and afford the sperm donor I picked out. Yes lady’s I have no money but already picked out my number. Hey you have to think positive. I would have my two kids. Yes I said two. Then I would consider dating after my youngest is about two.

I been say my prosperity fast every day. It could be coming my way. Stay tuned.

My Pity Party is OVER!!

I am not a religious person. I swear god always teaches me lessons. On Monday evening after my eventful weekend things got crazy. Did I mention I had two dates on Monday. I haven’t done much in five months dating this man who travels 90% of the time. Then I have two dates in one day. Go figure. Neither of the dates were a love connection.

So I was still feeling bad about my text message break up. I went to walk MR. Shitty Paints (My dog). We went outside at our usual time. This woman came to me and asked me if I seen her sister. I said who is your sister. She pointed to the townhouse three doors over. I wanted to be nice, but I have been here nine years and it took two years for the woman three doors over to wave HI. She is not tha friendly person. So I tried to say tactfully you sister is kind of bitch. Is it really hard to say hello?

So she goes on to say she hadn’t talked to her since Friday. She didn’t show up to the Sunday family dinner. She is a very quiet person. It wasn’t unusual for her not to call but she would at least text. Now I was a bit concerned. I asked her if she had the key to the house. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted me to go in there with her. She said no she called the police scared of what might be found in the house.

So me being me, I started knocking on the other neighbors doors for information. No one knew anything. I guess everyone goes on with their lives and don’t pay attention to others. I have to admit I do the exact something. I was glad to see I have caring neighbors. No one went back in there house. They all came out to help.

I had one neighbors husband look in the back of the townhouse to make sure no one kicked in the back door. The husband (No I don’t know his name, Damn shame after nine years LOL) asked the sister if she wanted him to go in with her. She said yes. I guess she felt more comfortable with a man. Everyone else was waiting by the door. Then I heard him yell CALL 911. His wife and I ran up the stairs. I had 911 on the phone.

She was unconscious but breathing. I played a amature nurse to the wife as she made sure her air passage was clear. Finally the police showed up. The cop was a straight Ass hole. He insinuated that she might be drunk. Even if she was this was not something to mention in front of her sister who was falling apart and calling family at the same time.

She was still unconscious when they took her in the ambulance. We have no updates to how she is. We didn’t even know her name until Monday. She is only 37 years old. All I have to say is that experience changed me.

EX boyfriend can kiss my ass. I woke up today and I am alive and grateful. All is fine in my world and I am not going to let him steal anymore of my joy.

Feeling Better!

I went bowling with my friend. I actually won, which was a shocker I suck at bowling. We had a great time. Then I went and spent time with a blast from the past. If you keep up with my blog. It is the man who put an end to my three-year drought. I shouldn’t have went over there. I think it was part revenge and part needing some attention. We actually watched TV and talked for about two hours.

Then he pissed me off because I had to push him to walk me to my car. When did chivalry die. This is beyond crazy. I have known this man for over seven years. I don’t know why it pissed me off. He was never the overly concerned type. After this weekend I know exactly what I don’t want from a man. Tonight also closed the door again on casual situations. I have so outgrown it. I do feel better about my crazy Friday break up. So I guess it is all good.

I do have a date tomorrow I am looking forward to. Who knows how my life can change instantly. My life is never going to be a romantic comedy. I still want the man of my dreams to show up. So do many women. I know I am not alone with these feelings. I have never had a problem meeting men. Keeping them is a whole different story. I haven’t had broken ups like Friday on a regular basis. Thank God. I wouldn’t be able to make it, if men did that to me on a regular basis.

I am going to say my prayers and decided what I want from a man and stick to those basic. I am also going to work on a budget for my future sperm purchase if that guy does not show up fast enough.

Friday Depression

Well I am no longer in a relationship. He broke up with me via text message. No I am not making this up. He is so sorry that he couldn’t even face me on the phone. Then they wonder why we want to have children by ourselves. We had a text message battle on Friday. Yes I did mention he was a punk to do this via text message. I swear I hate this man. I only had few situations in my life where I experienced hate. This is one I can add to the list. Fuck him and I am glad I know what type of person he is now. He is just sorry in my book. If he came to me like a man and discussed this with me. I would be upset but would have had to accept it. No he couldn’t do that. So I hate him. He better never contact me again. I know he feels bad. I got text message at 12am asking if I was asleep. I just looked at my phone and thought seriously.

What is killing me about this is we have known each other for ten years. We have been friends longer than anything else. Well I decided not to dwell. My girl and I are going bowling and play pool. I am still in a bad place. I am going out with my girl who is less pressure. Not worrying about men at all. I have been asked on a few dates. Yeah I know  I work quick. Well I jumped on my Yahoo IM and started talking to folks I haven’t talked to in months. I got three offers of sperm for my baby journey.

It is funny how men are offering me their seed. One offered and I was beyond shocked. I thought he loved the bachelor life. He said he wasn’t getting any younger and didn’t have kids. He is sexy also. He is another long story from my past. Well actually not a long story but a story I need to keep to myself.  Our relationship was not the brightest moment in my history. Case closed on that LOL. I have to regroup and think about my next step. I decided I am jumping back into dating. I am going to save for my possible sperm purchase. I told a friend from home if a lump some of money comes into my life. I am going straight to getting pregnant and not worry about bullshit relationships. Right now I am going to have to save for that.

Either way god is on my side. I am going to keep taking my supplements for egg quality and move forward. One guy I lusted after years ago. He was so my type. I will not go into why we never got together. Well he is retired from the military and already has children. I told him he could father my children and give me the medical insurance for my babies through the military and we would be even. We had a big laugh on that one. LOL I am crazy!! I know it. If you can’t laugh at yourself then you are taking life to seriously.

It will all work out.

Prosperity Fast

I know this will interest some, and will not interest others. I will begin with I met this guy who told me I had positive energy. Yeah I know it sounds hookie. That is what I thought at first also. Then he told me about the movie The Secret. Which I remember my mother saying something about years ago.  He continued to tell me that the movie didn’t give all the needed information. It gave you a glimpse into the Law of Attraction Powers. He bought me a book Working with the law. The 11 truth principles by Raymond Holliwell. Yes I was shocked this guy I went on one date wanted to buy me a book.

We have lost contact but his impression on me has lasted. When I was focussed on being positive, Positive things happened. I was practicing with enthusiasm back then. I swear several positive things happened. I couldn’t believe my luck at the time. Or was it luck?  My mind was creating positives in my life. My practicing of it went down the drain but it did take a while. I want it back. I need some positives in my life. Not the negatives I am sure my brain is creating.

So I copied it in this post. If you are interested give it a try. Be sure to let me know what happened if anything. 🙂

Someone at my job asked me to join a prosperity fast. You have to read this for 40 days.

Prosperity  Affirmation
Read  Every Day for 40 Days
I am the source of  all wealth. I am rich with creative ideas.My mind abounds with new,original,inspired thoughts.What I have to offer is unique,and the world desires it.
My value is beyond reckoning.What the world needs and desires,I am ready to produce and give.What the world needs and desires, I recognize and fulfill.The bounty of my mind is without hindrance or limit.Nothing can stand in the way of my inspired creativeness.
The overflowing power of   God life energy overcomes every obstacle,and pours out into the world,blessing and prospering everyone,and everything through me.
 I radiate blessings,I radiate creativity,I radiate Prosperity,I radiate loving service,I radiate Joy,Beauty, Peace, Wisdom and Power.Humanity seeks me and rewards me. I am beloved of the world.I am wanted where ever I go.
 I am appreciated. What I have to offer is greatly desired.What I have to offer brings a rich reward.Through my vision the world is blessed.Through my clear thinking and steadfast purpose, wonderful new values come into expression.
My vision is as the vision of the mighty ones.My faith is as the faith of the undefeatable.My power to accomplish is unlimited.I, in my uttermost God Source,am all wealth,all power,all productivity.I hereby declare my financial freedom ,NOW and henceforth forever!
                            Author Unknown

My weekend!

I scratched my winning ticket. No bells and whistles this time. I did win 50 bucks. I have no complaints. I reinvested and will be putting my new lottery tickets on my night stand for later.

My weekend was uneventful. Boyfriend was out-of-town as usual. When I talked to him, he said his traveling should be winding down soon. Music to my ears. I said finally we can spend sometime. Personally I think he is sick of working every weekend.

I met a new friend this weekend. I actually met her before but we talked for three hours this weekend. It was such a great conversation. We kept saying we were so shocked we are so much alike. You can never tell someones story by looking at them. She is also going to work on having children. Even if it is by herself. I told her I have all the information she will need.

She was thrilled and couldn’t wait to get home to get the information I emailed her. It is nice to find another woman who feels as I do. It is a sisterhood. She assumed I was a lot younger than her. I must have a baby face. I have looked at this face for 36 years. I have been mistaken for being in my twenties. Once for being a teenager. When I smoked I was always carded. I would tell the clerk I know I look over 18. There were times I thought I looked older than it should. I have never thought it looked younger.

 When we were talking and I told her I wanted a baby. She said I wouldn’t understand her desire because she was older than I was.  I was wondering how old she thought I was. Or better yet how old was she? I thought we were around the same age. I said I am 36 how old are you?  She screamed “we are the same age.”

A lot of people consider 36 young. I have been told you got time. Stop worrying about it. In  baby making years 36 is not young at all. How do I know? All these damn seminars I have been to have told me so. Now granted I could plop out a baby or two with no problem. Which is my plan!!. 36 is still not young in baby making years.

I have a friend that is concerned about me. God love her!! I understand why she is concerned. She feels I am not happy in this relationship. I would have to say I am not bubbling over thrilled. I am not in hell either. I am in rocky point. I explained to her the fairytale relationship never came. Now I am in the reality relationship. Do I love this man. I think I have always loved him.  Am I deliriously happy with the situation as it is. Hell no! Who wants someone who is never around? Do I have the right to complain? Not really. He told me this up front. I had a choice to accept it or not. I made the choice to accept it. I do have the right to change my mind in the future.

I am taking it day by day. I cannot predict the future. If I could I would not have waited around this long for Mr. Right to show up. Yeah I was one of those if I just be patient women. Not to say I wanted just anyone. I still will not accept just anyone.

I would have had my children by now. That is exactly what I would have done if I had the crystal ball. I wouldn’t have believed anyone if they told me at 25-34 that I would not be married or have children at 36.  So here is where I am. Firmly in reality. I cannot visit anyone in fantasy or fairy tales anymore. I no longer believe when anyone tells me it will happen be patient. FUCK PATIENTS!!!

Lottery update

Scratchcards sold in Berlin, Germany

Image via Wikipedia

The scratch ticket I held on to was a winner. It wasn’t what I dreamed. A free ticket which equals a winner so I broke even. How can you beat that. Of course I scratched another one in the same manner. I won again!!! I still have no idea how much. I am leaving that for next Monday. When I wake up and don’t feel like going to work.  I want to have something to look forward to.

My co-worker thinks I am beyond crazy. He is a true gambler. He offered me 50 bucks for my ticket.  I had to give him one of his sayings he gave me. I might be hungry but I am not starving. How would I look selling a winning ticket that could possible be worth  5 million dollars for 50 bucks.  I am sure he is going to sell me a pet rock next.

I told the boyfriend again when I win we are going straight to RE for some IVF. Clearly I am not patient. I am ready for my mother’s day card. 🙂

Today is a sad day. My uncle funeral. I could not afford to go home. Another round of guilt for living so far from home.