I have Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I know this is a disease and I am not trying to make light of it. I have not been diagnosed but when it comes to certain things I go into OCD mode.
I want a baby. I am obsessed with this want. I have been obsessed over other things over the years. I have made them happen. Granted those things were more in my control. My family tells me when I want something I make sure I get it.
Receiving a college degree. Going to college was not a requirement in my family. All my family at the time just had a high school diploma. I made it happen even thought I didn’t have the money. I worked my ass off. Every summer and during school I had many jobs.
I wanted to move to Georgia. I made it happen. To some that might seem like a big thing. My family will live and die in Boston. It was rare for anyone to leave Boston. They barely come and visit. That tells you how much they won’t leave that place. So for me to escape was a big deal. My uncle (RIP) told me I would be back. Which I was totally pissed off when he said that. He wasn’t referring to me coming back on my own terms. It was you will fail miserable and be back here. That has not happened. Thank god.
I have had some rough patches but in no way have I failed. In the single mother by choice community you have the thinkers and tryers. They don’t have a want to be tryer but needs money group. That would be my people if they did.
When I went to the meeting I was feeling so less then. These women had high-powered jobs. I have a decent job, but it isn’t high-powered and not high paying. Granted I could have done better with my finances. I think I have done pretty well. I have a perfect credit score. Which is a big feat coming from a woman who doesn’t like to pay bills. Good credit does not equate to disposable income. Which I am lacking big time. The only thing standing in my way is money. I stay in my fantasies about this money showing up.
I know I need to do something to make it happen. I have no idea what. Everyone is just trying to make it these days. I am a paycheck away from poverty. It is sad that I feel like my hands are tied. I text my ex boyfriend and told him I hate him. I know it was childish. I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t care I do hate him. He was my way to make this baby thing happen.
Being back at square one sucks. He text back thanks for that information. I am going to keep praying. Something needs to happen. I am not a patient person. I already picked out my donor. I know that is crazy since I don’t have the money in order to purchase his DNA. Every guy I meet that doesn’t fit the bill, draws me into being a SMC.
When I am ready to throw the charge card down then I have totally reached the end of the road. Truly I can’t afford it. When it gets to the point that I don’t care one way or another. The the last straw has emerged.