I had a meeting to go to this morning. Even thought I was feeling better, I didn’t want to give them my germs. I have to say all I wanted to do was sleep on the couch. Mr. Shitty paints was let out of jail (his crate) and proceeded to leave me another turd to find. He is back to his incarceration during the evenings. My head still hurts. I am still coughing and in need of food in the fridge. My resentment begins of not having someone in my life who could take my list and go to the store. Nothing I can do about that at the moment.
Trying to eat healthy can have it’s issues. Everything in my refrigerator is so perishable. After a week all my food fruits and veggies need to be replaced. It makes buying anything in bulk a big waste. I will have to say my clothes are getting bigger. I can’t wait to weight myself tomorrow. Yes I only weight myself once a month. The program I follow advises it so you are not obsessed with the scale. I know the scale will go down the question is how much. I am trying not to be obsesses. Which is hard with my personality.
I have put myself out there to people and I am feeling a way about it. I tend to wonder would these people do the same for me. I know that should not be the reason why I do anything. I don’t expect anything in return. I don’t know why it is bothering me. God knows my heart. I try to help people when I can. I just have a history of not getting much back for my efforts.
In typing that I am really wrong. I had friends take me and my dog in for a week when my AC was out during the summer. It is usually unexpected who will help you when needed. I still am that person who always had a hard time asking for help.
My family over the years have let me down countless times. I still love them, but it makes me less trusting of others to help. I always felt I was on my own. I know if I had a child my mom and dad would be all over that child. I think they would be great grandparents. Which is funny because I didn’t think they were the greatest parents. Which is a very long story. I know they love me and did the best they could do. It took me a long time to accept that.
When will the resentment of not having my happy family go away. I swear I expected to have a husband and children by now. I know I need to bury those thoughts. Put the finally nail in the coffin of fantasy. It still bothers me and I have to admit it.
I was sick as a dog yesterday. My throat was hurting the day I walked into to work. I swear my job can be a cesspool of germs. Someone is always coughing or yakking. Well I knew I picked up something because my throat was on fire. I made it through the day, doped myself up with over counter drugs and went to bed. I woke up the next day worse. When I walked Mr. Shitty paints and felt like I was going to pass out, I knew I would not be going to work.
It really made me think deeply about having children by myself. I could barely function. How would I have been able to take care of a child in that condition. I am still sick now. I was having issues taking care of my dog. Now I am firm if I go down this road I am going to have to move home. I am not the type to ask for help. I don’t have that big of a social circle. I also feel I might put myself out more than I would get back. Now I can’t say that for sure. You never know until something happens who really has your back. I know being an introvert doesn’t help with single motherhood.
I have been prone to being used over the years. That is why I don’t have many close friends. I know my mom and dad would have no problem filling in if I was sick. This would be there grandchild. The grandchild they have been waiting for.
Boston is not top on my list of places to live. After yesterday it might be my only choice.
Image via Wikipedia
I love Mr. Shitty paints. That is the only reason he still has a roof over his head. This dog is the sneekiest animal ever. He is not fully house broken which drives me crazy. He will be good for periods of time. Then he will mess up.
I want to turn him into a cat. I wouldn’t mind changing a litter box. Then sitting outside in the cold and rain for him to sniff for a spot. He should be happy I love him. He is the most spoiled dog ever. He looks at me with that puppy face and I turn into a six-foot sucker.
I know it is partly my fault. I don’t have the patience to sit outside forever. I don’t have a back yard with a fence. I am the worst dog trainer in the world. All valid reasons for why my five-pound dog, does what he does.
I woke up this morning to the trash being pushed over. There was also a nice couple of turds to pick up. He was Mr. calm cool and collective when I woke up. Laying on the bed with ease. He didn’t have one guilty bone in his body. Until I was walking down stairs. He stayed in my room. I wondered why he hadn’t come down yet. Until I found the trash all across the floor and turds.
He is now on punishment. He will be sleeping in his crate for a week. He doesn’t do foolish things when I am awake. So he needs to know who is boss. He will have to earn the privilege to be out of the crate when I am asleep. He is not to be trusted. I almost was late for work cleaning up his mess.
I am sticking to this punishment. I don’t care what look he gives me. It is time to house break him. I will keep you posted on my progress. I am the pack leader. I am the pack leader. If I keep repeating it maybe it will be true. LOLOL!!!
What is a holiday without a good dose of family drama. Well I have to say I was not spared this holiday. Even thought I live over an 18 hour drive from my family. I was granted the family drama via the phone. First I got very emotional over some family business that I felt was not being taken seriously. Then I had two family members crying to me over the phone for different reasons. One accusing me of taking the other persons side.
All I could think is why are they calling me with this. I am not the most sensitive person. I know it and it isn’t a family secret. I guess I have a hard shell towards my family because I feel I am never heard and feelings never taken into consideration. So it is hard for me to listen to the crying with much sympathy. I know that is horrible. I am no therapist, and I don’t want to be in the middle at all.
I love my family but I feel they can be very selfish. There feelings are the most important. Have you ever talked to someone and they seemed to spin it to how it affects them. There is always some come back with their pain and issues when you have something to say.
Then when you dish the same thing out to them all hell breaks loose. I got blasted for doing the exact same thing to a family member she does to me. She told me I was insensitive and mean. I said wow I took that out of your play book. I asked her did she remember doing the exact same thing to me. Why is ok for her to treat me like crap when she feels like it. When I treat her the same way there is an up roar of drama. That is my family what can I do. I can pick my friends I can’t pick the family I was born into.
I try to focus on my behavior and how I treat others. I am moody and I know it. When I don’t feel like being bothered I want to be left alone. I am not always in the mood for family B.S.
I have a right to take myself out of the equation. I have to protect my feelings I can’t worry about everyone else. If I took all their dramas on to myself I would be on many drugs. God bless them, God change me!!
- Family Drama (moderncitizens.wordpress.com)
- Family Drama and The Holidays… (bipolar2happiness.com)
Image by Christopher S. Penn via Flickr
I went to my meetup group on Friday night. With it being the holiday weekend the turnout wasn’t that great. I met three new possible friends. One woman suggested we go to a Cowboy club not to far from where we were. We had a great time. We also met at a bar the next night. I met one guy at the cowboy bar. He was nice but we will see if I hear from him. My vacation is about to be over. I have a frown on my face. I want more vacation days. I did make a Santa wish.
I am close to Forty and making a Santa wish. I thought what could it hurt. I did not go to anyone’s house to eat. I stayed home and enjoyed some relaxing time. I will be back to the grind tomorrow.
I wish everyone a great holiday and many more. This year I am going to focus on being blessed. I have many things to be thankful for. Granted I look at my life and see gaping holes that I want filled. I desire things that I haven’t been able to make happen. It really gets to me at time.
This up coming year I know will bring new blessing. I have a feeling my life will be changing. I am staying focused on the positive. Which is very difficult for me because I am such a negative person. I am going to work on the Laws of Attraction this year. When I put my heart in soul into that state of thinking, Great things were happening.
Then I fell off as usual with everything I try to do. I need to stop focussing on the past which I cannot change. My head has been stuck in my past mistakes. How I wish I had baby desires earlier. How I wish I sold my house before the housing crash. How I wish I should have given that guy a chance who really wanted me. I can wish all I want, but those things will not change.
My plan is to leave those things in the past. It is hard but I am really trying to work on it.
My depression has been lifted. I know it has to do with my eating. It has been two-week of clean eating and I feel a lot better. I still have issues with my life and the things not in it. I don’t feel like I am about to fall of the edge of a cliff. Which is a relief from not to long ago.
I really need to watch for depression because it runs ramped in my family. If I stay on this road I will finally fit back into my clothes. Every time I look in my closet and see all those clothes that are two small I tear up.
I also need to incorporate exercise. I swear I can be the laziest person on the earth. I need to get my body moving.
Mr. Short guy hasn’t contacted me since I sent that you could have call me email. Oh well, not a big deal. I am in the mode if it is meant to be it will be.
The lottery is up high this week. The mega millions and powerball are over 100 million. I know it is a shot in hell to win. I have to give a shot like everyone else. I did the office pool as usual and my own personal numbers I choose. Picking my own numbers can’t be any different from a quick pick in my book.
I remember years ago a 19-year-old won the pot using his siblings birthdays. It is nice to dream. I have no idea what I would do with that kind of money. I guess the answer is what ever the hell I want to do. LOL!!! Today is a good day and I feel good. When I see the glass half full things always seem better.
- Depression Reversal (honesty556.wordpress.com)
- Happiness (eitheory.com)
- My depression, my happiness (worthwhiletreasure.wordpress.com)
My coffee date did not happen this weekend. I received a rain check due to a work Christmas party. Men confuse me to the tenth degree. I didn’t hear from him for the entire weekend. Then I check my email on Sunday night and he sent me emails. I am thinking why didn’t you call me. Who sends emails on the weekend to stay in touch. During the week it is cool . I check my email all day at work. I emailed him back and said you could have called. When has picking up the phone become so taboo.
Well with his lack of attention I worked on my new blog. Which took a whole lot longer than anticipated. I swear my bright ideas always sound great until I have to put work into them. Well a new guy hit me up online. He is not actually new. We have talked online a few weeks ago. He asked me via IM if I had any prospects. I told him one which was the coffee date that went bust. He seemed disappointed he was not on my list. I told him he is some random dude online. I haven’t even talked to him on the phone. If he wants to be on the list he needs to get in the game. I received a call that night. I guess he took me seriously about getting in the game. I told him you can’t stand on the sidelines to be a first round draft pick. He is really into sports so he found me hilarious. Either way we talked and text all weekend. He is 28 6’2 and has a cute smile. I am eight years older than this guy. He doesn’t seem to mind so I guess I don’t either. I think I need to be 15 years older to really be a cougar but hey 8 years is a lot of years in my book.
I have no reason not to talk to him. So far so good. He hasn’t been inappropriate in any way and so far seems like a nice guy. I obviously still got it if the youngings are trying to get my attention. I shouldn’t be shocked, I have been told I look young. I don’t see it but hey it is great for the ego. Santa might bring me a cub for Christmas!!!
Image via Wikipedia
I have had a habit of dating people more than once. In my mind-set is time has past and they have changed or I have change. Usually neither one of us have changed and it ends badly. So I decided no more reruns.
This guy online sent me an email with his phone number, about a month ago. He was handsome but some reason I was not rushing to call him. I do like when they cut to the chase and want to talk on the phone. It prevents the wasting of time. He was handsome and his profile was nice and he had a lot of positive things going for him. Something told me it didn’t feel right.
So two days ago I get a WHY NOT email from him. Yes in the subject line it said WHY NOT!! This is the internet dude if someone is not interested why are you taking it so personally. It is the men with the huge egos that can’t fathom that a woman would not be interested in them. I should have put him in my speed dial when he gave me the number RIGHT?
Well I looked at this profile again and asked him what is he looking to find online. I still wasn’t jumping to call him. When I pressed send on the email I realized why. I have already went on a date with this guy. I thought he was handsome and he never called me again. So now it is years later and he is sending me a WHY NOT email.
I sent him another email stating we met before. I even put the bar we met at to jog his memory. He sent a responce to my first email. He stated how women he have met online haven’t made it to a second date. He clearly didn’t realize I was one of his rejects.
The funny thing is I could careless. If he wasn’t interested in me I am not going to gome cry. There are many men who haven’t made it to a second phone conversation with me. The difference is I never sent them a long email suggesting that a mistake was made and they need to be interested in me. Sounds like he is arrogant. Well I was in one of my moods and I gave him a call.
We had small talk for a minute. Basically I wanted him to know there was no need to reject me again. He asked me if I was bitter. I let him know I was not it wasn’t a big deal. I was one of these women he was referring to that did not make it to a second date. He wanted to continue chit chatting. I wasn’t interested at all. I told him to have a good night. The funny thing is if he came off a different way, Who knows!!
The WHY NOT email put him in my reject pile. I must take great pictures. Plus for me loss for him!!! 🙂
The new guy
has been holding my attention. We haven’t made plans for a date but that is fine. I might be seeing him this weekend. I am not in a Christmas
mood at all. Actually I never celebrate. When I became a teenager my mother wouldn’t even go shopping and wrap anything anymore. She asked me what I wanted and gave me the money. We stop putting up the tree or even thinking
about doing all the traditional things. On a few occasions my mother did decorate the porch with lights. In yearly fashion she would be too lazy to take them down and they would sit up there for months and months.
I guess I am not a holiday person. Or a birthday person either. I never really care about celebrating my birthday. I guess I am a person that doesn’t make a big deal out of much. I did request money for my new security door from my family. My mom and my aunt said they will chip in. We will see how that goes down. Presently it is sitting on my credit card waiting for Home Depot to get their ass in gear and install it.
I bought some photo editing software to start my new little project. Well it is actually a big project. I am starting a new blog that is more of a soap opera with pictures. I like to be creative and keep those juices flowing. I am going to use my game the Sims 3 to create my dramas. So I went to Best Buy and tried to purchase an easy Photo editing software. With it being the Christmas season no one was helping me. I actually saw a few employee standing around but I wasn’t in the mood to chase them down. I picked up this program and brought it to the cashier and asked if I could return it. She said yes within 30 days. So I thought I would give it a try if I don’t like it bring it back.
I was banging my head against the wall all night with this program. I was returning it the next day. I get to a different Best Buy. They tell me it can’t be returned by federal law when software is opened it cannot be returned. Now if I knew this information before I bought it, I would have taken more time with this purchase. I was also pissed because I saw it on Amazon.com for half the price with free shipping.
I was going to walk out the door and take my 80.00 lump in my bank account for nothing. As I walked to the door I thought hell no. The lady told me I could return it. So I proceeded to have a manager called and explained my situation. I was being dramatic which was just a tactic to get my money back. I was thinking 80.00 on something I am not going to use. I can put that money on the door I just bought. She returned it. I told her Merry Christmas and thank you. It was very nice of her since the law was in her favor. Even thought employees told me I could return it.
I went home and found some free wear GIMP. It is great and easy to use. Well it isn’t that easy to use. YouTube has a bunch of tutorials on how to use it. Which is great I need a visual explanation not written. I love YouTube, I don’t know what I did with out it. So here is my first draft of what I was working on.