600+ Million dollars!!

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The lottery is going crazy. I have to say I thought I would be worse. I bought two tickets and I am in the lottery pool at work. I have not had the urge to buy a whole bunch of tickets. I guess I know the statistics of me winning is so damn week.

I did win on one of my scratch tickets. I haven’t looked at what I won yet. It is funny a co-worker 15-year-old son told her she had better odds with scratch tickets. From the mouth of babes. He is totally right in my opinion.

I am so damn happy it is Friday!!! I can’t wait to get off work. I don’t know why I am in a rush. I have a class that starts at 8am Saturday morning. It is a get my life together type of class. So I am going to be there with bells on.

Mr Shitty paints and I will have to hit the bed early for a Friday night!! I keep thinking about Massachusetts. How my life will change and what will happen when I get there.

When I make a choice to do something I want it now. I don’t have an ounce of patients!! I keep reading about women having fertility issues. Women who are younger than I am. I need to stop filling my head with negativity. I haven’t even started the process yet!!

When I get out of my house I am starting acupuncture again for sure!!

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Ex’s of Christmas past!

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This must be the week of my ex’s resurfacing. Another ex called me last night. We are friends and I usually call him every six months or so to see if he is ok.

Well he called out the blue. I was shocked. I told him my plans of moving home and having a baby. He said I should re think this. I told him has he ever known me to not have  plan. I am a very responsible person. I know this short sale is going to ruin my credit. I also know I will never make back the 60K my house is upside down. I know I will never be able to afford a baby in GA. I didn’t need his you need to think about it advise. I know he cares and that he had no malice. None of my decisions were made lightly.

He said I thought you would get married and have kids. My first thought is your ass didn’t want to marry me. What made you think I was so enticing to others. I thought I would be married and have kids also. I am not far from 40 and that shit didn’t happen. So I am moving to plan B. If I have to explain to one more person that this is not how I want it to be, I am going to scream. Thank god for my single mother by choice friends. They seem to be the only ones that understand my position.

I don’t have to justify myself to him. Also he knew I was serious and let it go in a matter of minutes. He said he can’t believe I am moving home. He never thought that would happen. Well damn I didn’t either. I have to do what I have to do.

Everyone is buzzing about the half a billion dollars in the mega million right now. I still play the lottery. Now I am happy to say the lottery dream is not the only way to achieve my dream.

Men!!

 Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk

The one single mother by choice meeting I went to something interesting was said. My friend that came with me was in a relationship. One of the members said do not delay your plans for that relationship. Then you are further behind the eight ball.

She did hold off her plans and the relationship ended. Well Doctor dude has faded in to obscurity. You would think I would be upset but he was not interrupting my plans at all. He was a fantasy that I never really felt would go anywhere. I kept a little hope but not enough to care. I wish him the best but I refuse to call him again.

Then ex boyfriend text me. Yes he text because he is to much of a punk to call. He is getting off the road and going into the office on a permanent basis. My first thought is why the hell are you telling me. I have long since let my resentment go against him.

I decided to call because I don’t text and drive. He answered. We had casual conversation. I told him congrats for getting off the road. I told him my plans of trying to move back home as soon as possible. The man acted devastated and actually tried to convince me that was not what I wanted to do. I thought this fool can not be serious. Then he said keep him posted.

That is when I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I have to be honest. There is no way in hell I was keeping him posted. He sounded shocked like what did I do. Now I was really mad. I told him this is the first I talked to you in many months. You text me because you were to much of a coward to call me. You can’t act like a grown man and take your lumps when you are wrong. I harbor no resentments against you and I wish you the best. BUT you showed me who the hell you are. I can’t even put you in a friend category. It is all about you. Then my last statement stung. Which I am happy it did. I told him it is my fault. Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result. I was insane to ever date you again. You are and always will be the unreliable jerk I dated before. So it isn’t your fault it is mine.

Then he says in a sorry voice I am a bad person. I got really pissed and said look I don’t want to hear that crap. Have a good day and I wish you the best.

I am sick of men wanting to make them selves feel better for being ass holes. I finally have a plan and I am so happy. I want it to happen quicker. At least I have a plan!!

So lazy!!

Back cover of Barbie booklet about how to lose...

I need to exercise. I heard the endorphins make you feel better. Every attempt I make to exercise I lose interest before that happens. I use to be the fat kid no one picked in gym. My mother is an exercise fanatic. Why couldn’t I inherited that from her. No I get the fat gene that the rest of her family happens to have.

It does suck growing up when you are fat and your mom is skinny. My mother and I are presently around the same weight. She is trying to lose weight and so I am. I wouldn’t call us fat. My mom is 5’11 and I am six feet. I wear a 10/12 and my mom wears a 12. She does have a better body than I do with me being lazy and her working out.

I also need to start going through all my crap in my house. I have been there nine years. I know it will be horrific if I have to rush and do it. Now that I know this house thing is going to take some time I need to get to it. Yet I have no motivation. God help me with my laziness please!!

I know I am giving away my dog. Every time I look in his little face I want to cry. It has to be done. He will have a better life with a back yard and stay at home mommy. The woman who wants him pretty much works from home. I know  my doggie will hate Boston and it’s weather. He is a high maintenance dog. He likes things like central air and grass. Things that do not exist where I am going!!

I need to push through this and do what I need to do. It just seems so hard!!

Depression again!!

I know I suffer from depression. I had doctors tell me it isn’t severe enough to go on medication. I am grateful for that. It still no fun to deal with.

I was so excited about the process of getting rid of my house. Then when I found out I needed to be in default to even be considered. It just took me for a tail spin. I talked to one of my single mother by choice friends. She said it perfectly. I am sick of being responsible. I am responsible for everything in my life. All my choices affect me and only me. I would love a partnership. A co counsel on my life and decisions.

I know it is what it is. Bitching about it won’t change it.  Depression brings food and I know I gained back all I have lost. I know I have lost my sanity with every bite. I have to get it together.

I am going back to my program for food this week. I can at least go back home slim and trim and feeling good. These 30 damn pounds seem so impossible. Just like my unmanageable life. I know some of this is self-created drama. The poor me’s. Other than this blog I really haven’t expressed it to anyone. It just goes around and around in my head. I need to let it out.

On a brighter note I am miss popular on the dating site when I switched it to Massachusetts. I really wasn’t expecting that. It is a bit of an ego boost.

Now I am obsessed with insemination stories on YouTube. THey are mostly lesbian couples. The story have gotten me hooked. Now I am following their pregnancies week to week. I am trying to keep my body ready for when I am ready to do my insemination. I am taking a prenatal, DHEA. I am going to go back to acupuncture when I get out of my house.

I miss the acupuncture. I need to relax, and the acupuncture did help. The DHEA is giving me side affects. I didn’t realize it until my friend mention another friend was dealing with the side affects. I have acne and my hair is falling out. Thank god I have enough hair on my head to go around so it doesn’t make a difference. Also extra hair growth. I haven’t really noticed that thank god.

I bought another scratch ticket today. I am really going to have to work on this!!

TGIF!!

Thank God It's Friday

I have been so sleepy. I am glad the weekend is here. I am going to sleep my butt off.

I have been enjoying the single mother by choice forum lately. I guess because I have been reading and commenting. It does help to be involved. I did write another blog. I was told it might be posted on the website or put into their newsletter. Cool, I am excited. I have to say I appreciate so much when someone thinks my writing is worthy. I am am my own worse critic.

I have been watching the movie Plan B over and over. I am trying to reaffirm I can be a single mother by choice. Now that everything is moving into the place this could happen. I have been feeling less strong and more weak to the choices I am about to make.

I am 37 now. I feel it will be full steam ahead when I am 38 or a little before. I told my neighbor about not scratching my tickets because I don’t need extra money right now. He told me if I win put the ticket in a safe deposit box until everything goes through. Wow that is a great idea. I probably still will not scratch them. I don’t even want the thought of the money.

I will just keep my fantasizes for the moment. Moving back in with my mother has been on my mind. It is easy to think about the good things. I know living with anyone is a adjustments. We all got are ways we like things. My mother especially. There are going to have to be limits on both our parts. I am not a 12-year-old she can boss around. So she can not play I am your mother card. I have been an adult for a long time now. I know to her I will always be her baby!!. I know I will understand when I have my own children.At this moment I am optimistic. I was talking to a friend and told her all the things in our lives we verbally claimed a long time ago. The laws of attraction are working.  I need to get back into that law.

I don’t need another problem!

A Christmas themed Finnish scratch game "...

I am convinced I have a gambling problem. I am not at the point of gambling away my light bill money. I however love scratch tickets. My grandmother and father bought scratch tickets all the time. My father claims he is going to quit. I doubt it!!

Now I think I have the same problem. I know I would be board at a casino. The package store with my five and ten dollars I am hooked. I sit there and look at each ticket thinking about if I won. I think it might be a problem.

It is bad enough I have an eating problem and no husband or boyfriend problem. An upside down loan on my house problem. A no children problem. Do I need a gambling problem. Hell no I don’t.

When I am about to buy I think life is stranger than fiction. I could win and jump-start all my plans. I started the gambling because I wanted a baby and I thought only luck would get me there. Now that I have an actual plan that has nothing to do with a scratch ticket you would think I quit. Not so much. I had to get my fix today.

I am also the strangest lottery player. I am not going to scratch them until I get out of this house. I don’t need anything messing up my process of being free of this property.

So when I finally get out of this house a good two or three months from now. I hope!! Then I will have a pile of scratch tickets to go through and see if I was one of the lucky ones.

I have issues. I know everyone has issues!! It is just hard to face them when they are you own!!

Bump in the road!!

Moving Day (book)

I should have known life is never that easy. There is a bump with the short sale. It might take a little longer than expected. It is what it is. I am still all in to make this happen. I know nothing in my life ever runs smooth. It isn’t the end of the world. I have to be a big girl once again!!

My goal is to get back to Massachusetts and have my babies. God is working for me clearly. I asked for a solution and here it is. I know I have to work for anything worth having.

When my mind is focussed I want it yesterday. I have no patience what so ever. It is getting worse with age. When I get back home there will be a part of me that feels free. Free to fall and have someone to catch me. My mother is more supportive of me now then she has ever been. Everything happens for a reason. Growing up I never felt too much support from either of my parents. I felt all my success were despite my parents and not because of them. My grandmother was the one I gave all the praise for me getting far in life.

It seems that god knew what he was doing. My mother and father are very supportive now. My grandmother has long since been in the grave. I want to be a mother. I know I will need them for a lot. Not financial at all. I am in a better position than both of them. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. Emotionally they are there for first time. I thank god for my parents.

My aunt and I are also very close. My aunt and I argue like mother and daughter. She is my mothers twin. It is like having two crazy mother’s. I do love her and appreciate her in my life. Even thought when we argue it seems that I don’t.  Things are working out in his time not mine. I am glad I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on Doctor Dude. I haven’t heard from him in over a week. I been so busy with my life I just noticed that last night. I have no feelings about it. I am going forward with my dreams.

So I changed all my dating profiles to Massachusetts. Even thought it could be 8 months or more away from me moving. Well I got a lashing from a guy saying he would be wasting his time talking to me. With me being in another state did I think a man would wait that long. I was shocked. I guess I wasted his ten minutes of chatting with me on IM. I apologized and updated my profile with my circumstances. I don’t want to hear that crap again.

My mind is in Massachusetts. It is a work in progress to get out of here. I didn’t move here randomly with out a plan. I am not leaving without one either!!!

A little stress!!

Don't Look Back (Boston album)

I finally got someone on the phone at my mortgage company that seemed confident in what they were telling me. When you are making life changing decisions you want the person to be confident. The other two customer service reps kept putting me hold. They sounded like as if they were guessing. Hopefully I can fax in everything by Friday the latest.

My family is still driving me a little crazy with the nervous questions. I have a feeling god is on my side with this one. So today I am not nervous. I am doing what I have to do. I wish I did it earlier.

This guy I met online, who knows when called last night. Actually he called several times. I had no idea who he was so I didn’t answer. You think if he wanted a response he would have left a message. No he just wasn’t that bright. So he proceeded to call me four times. He was already x out for that one. You don’t leave me a message and just call over and over again. That doesn’t sit right with me.

So when he finally gets me on the phone. I tell him I am not interested I am moving back home. The man acted devastated that I didn’t remember who the hell he was. Then the blow I wasn’t interested got him to begging. He asked if we could meet. I said for what I am leaving. You don’t want to meet me he whimpered. I said no I don’t want to meet you.

Jesus what kind of self-esteem train wrecks find my profile so attractive. He has never met me nor talk to me before. Why is my leaving the state of Georgia devastating this man. I finally got off the phone with the crazy.  I hurt his feelings. I have to say I really didn’t care. I guess that is cruel. It was clear the man had issues. Even if I wasn’t leaving I wouldn’t have been interested in him.

I am on a high because things are going very well. I hope it keeps up because I am flying high!!.

I change all my dating profiles to Massachusetts. Some cutie pies emailed me. Where their hell were they when I use to live there!!!

OCD strikes again!

I know I am obsessive compulsive. When I get stuck on something I am all over it like cheap suit. I am obsesses with Boston now. I have been on all the job websites. Planning and plotting what I will do when I get there. Did I mention all this moving is many months aways. It depends on a lot of factors. I haven’t even called the bank yet and I am plotting.

I heard this quote that I need to take to heart. Understand people instead of forcing them to understand you. That sounds great. I am sick of being understanding of my family and them not doing the same. They know I am OCD when I have a plan. So I am sick of the calm down and wait until comments. My aunt called me an apologized. She said I know how she is a worry wart. I told her it bothers me when I call my friends and they are happy for me. Then I call my family and they don’t seem supportive. Then I hear you know how I am. There we go again. I need to be so understanding.

They are never going to change so I guess I have no choice but to be understanding. So I have to call the bank today. I am nervous. Why I don’t know. I always had to handle my business myself. I even filled out my own financial aid papers for college. I went to the seminar with my aunt. She was going to fill out her sons papers. My parents were not going to be any help except for handing over their tax information. So I have always gone it alone with everything in my life. Why am I so nervous. God made Sunday work with ease. I need to have faith the rest will also.