Meeting in the ladies room!!

I went to a cookout this weekend. It was heavy with females. Only a few males that came with their wives. Slowly the men gravitated outside with their wives and the living room was filled of women. Some married most not. The discussion of men showed up. It so weird how that subject is always on woman‘s mind.  Also how we seek advice from is people in the same boat. I have clear-cut opinions and clearly they did too. I also do not come off like I have the answer for cancer because I am single also.

First off I didn’t know any of these women or their situations. I did know which ones were single and which ones were married. Did I know if they were happily married?  No!!

So everyone is dishing out their opinion of how to catch a man. I wanted to say ladies there is no sure-fire way to catch a man. Or how about anybody can catch a man. It is can you catch a good man or the man for you?

One of the ladies was outside which was the reason I came. I know her personally and she is one of my SMC friends. No one else at the party know how we became friends. This woman understands me. When no one understands where I am coming from I call her. To bitch, complain or just get some understanding.

Well one of these women made a comment about my friend being aggressive. That is not the way to get a man in her opinion. She was outside and not there to defend herself. I am thinking hold up. I have a few friends who are aggressive and straight up BITCH and have husband. So I took this as a personal attack. I am not submissive and could be thought of as aggressive depending on who is judging. I told them they were wrong and sometimes women get tired of the bullshit. So come correct of don’t come at all.

I took it personally because on another occasion a southern bell. That will be her name for the blog purposes. Told me Northerner are to aggressive and if I tone it down I might have a better chance of attracting a man. I let her opinion go and didn’t say anything. I didn’t know this woman very well and didn’t want any unnecessary controversy.

I wanted to ask her where her husband was at and did I miss the wedding. Yes the woman dishing out the I am to aggressive was not married either. I find that interesting. Where the advise comes from. What if it comes from a married person but there is no way in hell you would have went on a date with her husband if he was single. So why would I take advice from her? We don’t have the same taste in men.

As my mother said everyone has an opinion like everyone has an asshole. My mother is big on the one liners. The truth is I have been asked to be married three times. Yes miss aggressive. I didn’t do it because I knew those relationships would have issues and would not last. So if I just wanted a man I can do that. I have done that and have the tee-shirt. So ladies do I want to be happy or do I just want a man? If anyone has read my blog they will no the answer!!! I have 99 problems and a man ain’t one.

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Funky cornchips!!

That is what Mr. Shitty pants smelled like. Until he was bathed in an oatmeal shampoo. He smelled so good after his bath. I just pick him up and take a whiff. He still hates baths. He only complies out of force. He is too hairy and I need to find sometime to take him to the groomers. Probably next months so he is going to look like a big hair ball by then.

I am so happy. Friends of mine said they will take Pedro aka Mr. Shitty paints when I move. I love this couple. It will be great. They already have a dog and they love my fur ball. Their dog is very jealous but I am sure he will get over it eventually. I know they will take care of him and keep me posted with pictures and updates. I couldn’t ask for anything better.  Things are really coming together!!

I have a court date for a moving violation. My perfect driving record down the drain. I do plan to fight it. Wish me luck. I don’t want my insurance to go up. Life is so up and down.

I received some coupons from the lottery. Buy one ticket get another one free. Well the guy made a mistake and printed three. I told him I will take them. A mistake could be my fortune. I heard that story to many times. They made a mistake I took it and now I am rich. I couldn’t let it go. I need to work on my lottery issues.

A friend of mind found a place that gives scholarships to alternative families for IUI and IVF. BABY QUEST FOUNDATION I am going to apply and see what happens. My friend told me they give out the grants three times a year. It is worth a shot!! It also doesn’t matter where in the country you live. I hope it helps!!

Interracial Donor Children (article from SMC Newsletter)

Explaining the minority experience is not easy when you aren’t a minority. I am a minority. My experience is directly attributed to the racial climate I grew up with, my family and education. How do I explain to my child why their donor is white? The age­ old saying is, “if you have an ounce of black in you, you are black.” Interracial children can definitely have identity issues.

What if you look white and can be mistaken for white? This is not a new issue. It was very well depicted in the 1959 movie, “The Imitation of Life.” The black maid’s daughter looked white and was suffering with identity issues. She wanted to be white, because she saw that white people‘s lives were better than blacks. If she separated herself from her mother, no one would know she was black. It was a very sad story.

This issue has been the topic amongst several of my minority single mothers by choice friends. Most of these women never thought they would ever have to make the choice to be a single mother. It was a long hard process for me to accept this option. I had to mourn the dream of having a marriage before the baby carriage.

Once I dealt with all the emotions and the choice made, one of the next steps was picking a sperm donor. There is a small percentage of minority sperm donors compared to the percentage of white donors — not a small percentage of any particular minority, but of all minorities in general. To me personally this is not a big issue as I had two interracial grandparents. My family will be more accepting of the race of the child then how the child was conceived.

I had a conversation about this when I was talking to other minority single mothers by choice and how they picked their donors. A Latina SMC mom was happy to get her hands on Latino sperm. Another African American woman was trying to hold on to her African American sperm because her donor was no longer donating. A friend and I went through many sperm banks trying to find her more African American open ID sperm.

The best explanation I’ve heard about this issue came from a woman in the movie “Plan B.” She was Caucasian and picked Caucasian sperm. She thought the child already didn’t have a father, and was conceived with donor sperm, and she didn’t want to give the child another issue to have to deal with.

I remember watching a discussion of this on “Donahue” years ago, which was one of the first talk shows to openly discuss it. There were black women on the panel that had children with white men. Their children looked white. One of the women talked about when her baby was in the hospital nursery, and she asked the nurse to bring her child to her, the nurse told her no black babies were born that day. Another woman told about a time when she was in the park with her children, and a woman came up to her and asked her about her nanny services.

This whole SMC process is a series of hard choices. It is a reality that this is one of them for minority SMCs.

Honored!!

I love to write. I am my worse critic and think I am not that great of a writer. Well SMBC posted my article in their news letter. I am honored when anyone else feels my writing is good enough to post. It is under the name Monie. I still want to be anonymous for now. I haven’t told many people about my choices. They know nothing about this blog or any connections I have. I want to keep it that way for now.

I am not sure I am going to reveal much when I have my children. It is none of their business. Who knows I still might find a guy and all this will be a dead issue. I can’t predict the future right now. I am working towards having kids. That could be by myself or with someone else. I would prefer with someone else but if it is by myself than oh well. That is my whole reason to up root my life.

My article is title Interracial Donor Children. I would post it on my blog. I am not sure if I have the right to because you pay for a subscription to their news letter.

It put a smile on my face to see something I wrote published. I have had other things published. Every time feels like the first time. I guess a feeling of validation. They also did a great editing job. I wish I could afford to employ them with all my writing projects. In my dreams!!

It is nice to dream!!

Boring world!

I am starting to feel very lame.  I have not done much today at all. I was invited to go out. I wasn’t in the mood and my back has been having issues. I am sure I could have made it. My motivation to do anything is at an all time low.

A friend gave me a lecture that my life needs to be alright regardless of children or husband. I can’t deal with that at the moment. I can wait on the husband. When I am ready to have the baby I am going to stay positive that it is going to happen. I can not mentally deal with that let down right now. I am transforming my life for these children I desire. I know in my heart I am making the right decision.

 

Want to be in the game!!

I know I am planning for my future pregnancy. I am ready to be in the game. You know when you make a choice. I know I have more hope than I had six months ago. Going back to Boston will change my life in many ways. I plan to use it as a dream starter. I keep thinking I want a night job. So I can go to school and work on having a baby at the same time.

I have never worked nights in my life. I have no ideal how my body will react to such a game changer. My neighbor got use to it. She sleeps most of the day. A friend of mine worked nights and went to nursing school during the day. She has always has the S on her chest. Super woman and conquer every challenge.

No pain no gain. I want to do the same thing to live my dreams. I know education is the ticket for a career change. I also know I am not eligible for in state tuition until I am in MA a year. So I was thinking to take a few classes at a time until I get past that year.

My mortgage company called me looking for their payment. I never been put in that position before. It is so humbling. I had to get over it. I told her I was working on doing a short sale. She sounded like she understood and didn’t need to much more information. She asked me if I already had a buyer and I told her yes. Then she dropped the subject. I guess with so much of the country going through the same thing, she didn’t find my case any different.

I hope it all goes smoothly. I will be passing in all my paper work soon. I know I am going to dread packing. I hate moving. Being in my house nine years I have a lot of crap to go through. I could do it now but I have no motivation. I also have this crazy back pain that is coming and going.

I am ready mentally to TTC. All my ducks are not in a row to get started. Me being ready doesn’t make anything move faster.

Was I ever this stupid!

250 px

250 px (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reality TV has never really been my thing. I do find myself watching MTV 16 and pregnant. Last night episode really hit me. Was I that stupid when I was 17 years old. It is so hard to think back. We all go through our lumps in life. We learn from our mistakes. I have to say I never wanted to be a teenage mom and did everything possible to prevent it. Birth control and condoms and I was never pregnant.

I have to say I understand how the girls mom was pissed she was pregnant. She took her to the clinic and put her on birth control. I also don’t want squash anyones dreams of conquering the world even if they have a baby. I swear these girl have no idea what they are getting into. Every episode it seems like each girl is stuck in her own fantasy world. No one is realistic to money or child care or the commitment to raising a child. They are all pie in the sky have never lived life type of young adults.

MTV sure knowns how to pick the train wrecks. I guess that is why there rating is so high. It is hard to not watch a train wreak. You try to look away but you can’t. The episode last night with Alex Sekella I was floored. This girl had no concept of anything. Her mother tried to explain it to her and all she had were tears. Sweetie no time for tears, it is time to grow up. Every time the boyfriend showed up I thought to myself no one can tell this little boy is on drugs. I think he was 16 and always looked smoked out when he showed up. I don’t know how she even slept with him. In ever scene he looked dirty and sweaty and high. I am thinking girl if you want this boy to help you got a screw loose.

He did have a lot of sence when he said we are young with no money adoption is better. It was clear he made his choice. She was trying to make him have the emotions towards the baby she had. No dice he was looking for his next hit. You also never met his parents. Who knows what his story is. I understand why she kept her baby. I can’t imagine giving a child away. But I am going to pray for her and that child. Because I don’t see a bright future.

I not sure I was as stupid as these girls when I was their age. I lived in a community that a lot of girls had babies in their teens. There was also a lot of poverty and people on assitance. Growing up in those circumstance you tend to grow up alot faster. I told myself early I would not be one of them. I had to many things I wanted to do. I know I went through the same teenage bullshit with guys. But I made sure no children were going to come from that drama.

I pray for all those girls on that show. It just shows the tragic lack of reality of our young adults. Unprepared for life and adding additional responsibilities when they can’t even take care of themselves.

Couldn’t Sleep!

I CAN´T SLEEP.

I was wide awake at 1:30am. I get up at 5:30am so not a good thing. I don’t know what was keeping me up. I must have a lot on my mind. All the changes are scary. I am nervous and with something could make this whole process easier.

My dog was snoring. Not a care in the world. He does have a great life. My rustling in the bed annoyed him. I actually woke him up. Unintentional of course. It is funny when a dog looks at you like come on I was sleeping. I finally dosed off and it felt like my clock went off ten minutes later. I am exhausted. I am hoping the work day goes very quickly.

Life is moving!

Another uneventful Saturday. I am going to make myself busy when I get to Boston.

I had an email battle with a kind of family member. I known her since birth. Our mothers were friends. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me. We are talking no contact for about 3-5 years.  Once I realized I was doing all the calling I stopped. With me moving back home I called her to extend the olive branch. I called twice and a month passed and no return call. I would have let it go if she didn’t answer the phone for my mother.

I know the relationship is over but my feelings were hurt. I sent her an email expressing how I felt. I got a reply of a laundry list of all the bad things that are going on in her life. Like I was this insensitive asshole. How the hell would I know what was going on. I guess I am physic. Plus there are so many ways to get in touch with people these days. I thought her lack of response was B.S. She could have sent a text, I got your message I am going through a lot and will get back to you or something.

I am done with it. I am trying not to let it bother me to much. I am letting go of all relationships that are not reciprocal. I tend to hang on to people. I will no longer let them fill up space in my head. Any relationship is a two-way street. I am not going to be the only participant.

Other than that I have been having back pain on and off. The acupunturist had me feeling no pain on Friday. Now it is back a little. I am going to make an appt with the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I guess that is what I pay this high price insurance for.

I think I am in love with a sperm donor. I know it sounds crazy. I was reading what he wrote and I loved it so much. He is artsy like me and has a passion for writing. I guess my thoughts was if I met this man would I date him because we have things in common. The answer would be yes from how he expressed himself. Hopefully he is still available when I am ready.

I have 99 problems and man ain’t one!!!

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did a little paraphrasing from a rap song. I am sure you get the point. I swear I thought for a long time a man, a partner was going to be a cure to a lot of my issues. I have to say looking back a man has been a big part of my issues.

1) Looking for love in all the wrong places

I can’t expect a man to love me when I don’t love myself. If a man did love me in this state of mind I wouldn’t be in the position to receive his love. I wouldn’t believe I deserve it.

2) Trying to figure out how he feels

We as women spend countless hours trying to make sence of what a man feels, thinks and acts. The truth is we will never truly know. Also they are usually to much of wimps to tell you the truth. There are never going to say I just wanted to have sex with you. I told you everything you wanted to hear to get what I wanted. Or I had a girlfriend/Wife when I met you. Or I am just an asshole who likes to get my way and what you want doesn’t matter. We will never get the truth. At least in most situations I have never gotten the truth.

3) Emotional Drama

I have had many men use me for an emotional punching bag. Especially when his words never mirror his actions. I am hanging on like a puppy for he to give me half of what I put into the relationship.

4) Low Self-Esteem

I know my self-esteem has played a major part of how and why I let men drag me down.When my esteem is high my thoughts are not consumed by the prince charming coming into my life. If I really think about it the I have never really had a prince charming. I have had many randoms a few devils and some that are good friends. Prince charming not even close.

5) I don’t need to be saved

There was a man I was in totally love with. He wasn’t that interest in me because I didn’t need to be saved. He was part of the save a hoe tribe. He liked a hoe he had to save. Single mother struggling to pay her bills. Needed him to pull her up from her tragic life. I never been that girl.  I always handled my business. So pretty much he dropped me for a girl he could save.

6) Who am I without a man

I a valued human being. I might not have a sex life or a male companion to take me out. I have to say my single life does bring me freedom from a lot of drama. Especially the mental drama I put myself through when a male is in my life.

7) My terms

The next man I allow into my life will be on my terms. I refuse to compromise. When I compromise I always except way less than I deserve. Then trying to convince myself the whole time that is okay because he Blah blah. I will not fill in the blanks or make any more excuses for a man not doing what he needs to do to keep me. He will be history immediately. At least that is the plan.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am getting off the insane bus when it comes to men!!!