Faith!

Blind Faith (film)

I will begin with I did not grow up in church. I might have went to sunday school and handful of times. I have visited many churches. Usually because I was invited by someone. I have found many pastors moving. I have yet to make a commitment to any church.

For me I accepted god loves me the way I am. I believe pastors are human. I love listening to a pastor that motivates you to get through the week. But when I feel like they are all-knowing and can tell you what god said verbatim that is when they lose me.

For a long time I thought god was like Santa Claus, But he skipped my house when I was growing up. Long story.

Over the years I got very spiritual which is also a long story. I had blind faith. I was fearless and ready for any challenge. I was moving to GA with nothing. No job, a couch to sleep on and a car. My uncle told me I would be back. He had no faith I would succeed. I would be back home with my tail between my legs. I told him god had my back.

Fast forward 12 years later. I have to say my blessing have come in many shapes and forms. It is so easy to remember the bad things. I need my faith back. I decided I wasn’t going to think about the short sale any more yesterday. I needed a break from worrying. I have to work on a letter for the short sale. I am going to start it today or tomorrow. I can’t predict the future all I can do is the next right thing.

I am going to try to document all my blessing. They so easily forgotten. So the next series of blogging will be my blessing. I will have them in black and white.

Short Sale Hell!

I should have known better. I thought this would be a whole lot easier. Not just financially but emotionally. I couldn’t sleep last night. I just want everything to happen with ease. I have no idea how I thought that. Nothing in my life works that way.

My mother said I am not relying on god. I am not that religious. I am spiritual. I do believe all my negative energy surrounding this issue is not helping. I am just not at ease with the whole process. I am ready to get everything started and moving.

Life has never worked on my time. I don’t know why I always get disappointed in areas I can’t control. I know it is a waste of time. I know I can’t do anything to change the process. Why am I upset!!

I don’t know. Another character defect to work on!!

New Day, New resolve!

I have decided I have to do something about my weight. I am finally serious. I was kind of upset today. A co-worker started spraying Lysol when I broke out my healthy food. I need to stop letting things upset me. I am so sensitive these days. I don’t like it.

I need to get back to not caring about what anyone else thinks. I am so ready to move and get this party started. I know gods time not mine. I think he might need to hurry up. I won on another scratch ticket. It is sitting on my dresser not fully scratch. I need to fantasize for a few days. I hate to say it. It helps me get through my work days. When you really don’t want to be somewhere it helps to have something else to think about.

If a decent amount of money comes into my life. I would forget the short sale get renters and move. There is reason I didn’t do that in the first place. I would lose money with renters. Due to the rent rate being so low in my neighborhood now. Yeah sucks to be me.

Life is stranger than fiction anything is possible. My co-worker won 700 bucks at the casino. I know I should be focussed on such irrelevant things. It just keeps my mind out of dark places.

I need to be focused on the positive. I don’t think I am going overseas. Due to my age and wanting to get pregnant. Also scoring so damn low on that AMH test. .72. That scared the paints off me. I want to do testing here in GA.

What stops me is in MA  health insurance covers the majority of the testing. So I don’t want to get a job that pays for such things and I wasted my money.  I also don’t like to start a job and have a hundred doctors appointments. I don’t know which way I am going these days. I was told one day at a time. First things first. I need to get rid of this damn house. I have to pass my paperwork in again on June 1st.

Maybe someone will be kind to me and make it happen. That would be great!! Here is to the positive. I am going to stay positive and keep hope alive that everything will work out.

Today I start P90X. I have been eating right for three days now. Here is to losing 30 pounds and having a beach body. My new resolve is to be positive and believe anything is possible!!!

I might have F@#! up!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Mr. Persistence showed up on my yahoo IM. I met him in 2005 via the internet. He was new to Atlanta  when we originally met and he was parting. So I didn’t want to start anything with him . I felt he would learn about the Atlanta night life and forget my name. That happens with a lot of newbies. We fooled around in 2005 nothing major. He consistently would come in my life and see how I was doing. He has always asked to hang out. We got in several arguments over the years. Presently I can’t think of what most of them were about.

The random arguments would always make me think we could never work out. I felt he was very critical of me at times. I am very sensitive about criticisms. Some time would pass and he would contact me again like nothing happened. Well fast forward seven years. He contacted me again and was flirting. We all know how I have been feeling lately. I fell in hook line and sinker. He came over and we went to a place we haven’t been in the seven years we known each other.

We talked after and I wonder where this was going. I told him about my moving plans. I guess in my fantasy I thought he was at his home just as lonely as I was. This is totally in my mind because I never asked. I just went with my feelings and my body aches. He is dating. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had no expectation when he came in the door. Now I have expectations when he is leaving. That is why casual sex for me is not a good idea. I don’t really no what to do in this situation. He didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. I don’t want to feel bad about myself on any level.

I have expectations but I have no idea what they are. I am confused! Hopefully the fog will clear soon. I have had casual sexual relationships before. This is with men I knew I didn’t want. I can’t say that about him. That might be a problem. I new casual sex is not my thing any longer. My body doesn’t know it but I am going to have to keep the mind focus. Mr Persistence hasn’t called. Which puts him in the ass hole category in my book. Which I probably knew all along. He caught me at the right time and place. It is all about timing. Lesson learned life moves on!!

Friends with benefits! (Failed!!)

Friends (With Benefits)

No luck on this front. I want the action but don’t know how I will feel emotionally. The reasons these men are not in my life presently are good ones. So why am I trying to resurrect them. Just for a physical need. I am starting to feel this isn’t a good idea.

I ran it by BigSexy. He thinks I am hilarious. I really want a relationship. It is hard to admit. Casual sex is not going to replace anything in my world. I still have a hunger for physical contact. How do I make it go away. It would be a useful asset in a relationship. Presently it is a pain in the ass.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I know what I want to do. I don’t think it is wise to do!! I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do!!

Out of the Country!

I have a friend who has been a government contractor for five years. He is now in the country and we have been talking on the phone like old times. He is still not in my state.

How did I meet him. In a club in Atlanta. My bold self went up to him and asked him if he was having a good time. My usual line to see if a guy is interested in me. If they continue talking to you they are interested. If you get one word it is a wrap he doesn’t like you. Well I broke the ice. He said yes he was having a good time. Then I said why do you look so damn mean. We have been friends ever since.

This man is very sexy. Tall and big like a line backer in a sexy way. The type if he puts his arms around you, you never want him to let go. So his nickname for this blog is BigSexy.  He is also originally from Chicago and had the Chi town swagger. If you don’t what swag or swagger is let me explain. That confidence and tone and charisma that makes you fall in love.

Well he did not live in GA and was just passing through. He invited me to breakfast. I knew what that meant. I was not about to be his Atlanta delight. I passed but we continued to have a phone friendship. We talked all the time. He got religion a few years later and apologized for trying to get in my paints when he first met me.

I found that funny. If I did give him some it would have been my choice. I never got that type of apology before. I thought it was nice. Well then he decided to go to Iraq as a contractor. I tried to talk him out of it. At the time on the news all you saw was the death.

He left and have been assigned to many different countries and saw the world. Fast forward five and a half years later. He is telling me I should be a contractor. He has been trying to get me to do it for years. For a long time my answer was hell no. Now I am thinking about it. My baby dreams would be put on hold for a while. But I will be making money and get totally out of debt. With a hefty saving coming back.

I told my mother my thoughts. Why the hell did I do that. She read me the riot act of how crazy I am. I am just board with myself and I need to stop. Well thanks mom for the help. I am really thinking about it.

Denied!!

English: John Alden House in Duxbury, Massachu...

Yes this is what the bank said will be in a letter to me. They denied my short sale. I was more than pissed. It had to do with one of their reps told me to do. I won’t be making that mistake again. I will be submitting again in a few weeks.

Nothing ever goes smoothly in my life. I need to let this house go one way or another. I will be moving to Massachusetts. I can not afford this debt too. Keep me in your prayers. My realtor makes it sound like no big deal. Just resubmit and we will get it done. I am glad he has no worries. It calmed me down after he sent a calm it is no big deal email.

My mom told me not to stress either. Well does anyone know I am ready to start my baby plans. I guess god is telling me to slow the hell down. I am ready to go and get it done. Nothing I can do at this point but wait.

I took a chance!

I got myself prepared. I picked up the phone and dialed the number I paid for to find my long-lost crush.

Disconnected!!! Oh damn all that build up for nothing. I do have an address. I think I am going to leave it there. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I tried Facebook I paid for his information. It was 1996 when I met this man. I gave it the good old college try. Such a disappointment.

I am sure I will check Facebook every now and again.  Everyone keeps asking when will I be moving to Boston. Well men online are asking. I changed my location on my personal ads. I have to say I have absolutely no idea. I am waiting for a response from the bank. I will be moving in with a friend to save money then I am out.

I won on a scratch ticket again. I am waiting until Monday evening to find out how much. My usual time is Sunday. But we have Monday off for memorial day. My day to see what I won is before the work week begins. I would go to work with a whole different attitude if I knew I was sitting on a pile of money.

A guy who went to Harvard medical school sent me an email. I thought wow interesting. He didn’t have a picture and wanted to email it to me. I thought oh lawd this doesn’t sound good. I went along and he was handsome. Not drop dead but decent.

I do not believe everything I read especially when it comes from some man I don’t know online. So until proven I will go with he went to Harvard Medical school. He said he is not a doctor but a scientist. interesting  I thought to myself. Then I asked him where he was from. South Africa came out and I know this wrong but I thought here we go a scam. You know the I am stuck in Africa can you send me some money.

Thank god I was wrong and he didn’t do that. He talked about Boston a little and gave me his number today. I will call him later today and see if we have a vibe. I always have something going on!!!

The one who got away!

University of Massachusetts Amherst: Chapel an...

University of Massachusetts Amherst: Chapel and Library in the evening (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am nervous and scared of what I will find. Yesterday I paid the people finder website to give me my college crush information. No he is not on Facebook. He might not be at this number any longer. He might wonder who the hell I am.

Let me start from he beginning. I was fat and had self-esteem issue in college. I did date. Not the men I wanted to date. The men who asked me if you get that point. I was in this class. This tall blond blue-eyed sexy man sat next me on the first day. He was beyond handsome. I don’t know if I have expressed this on this website. I wanted race not to be an issue.

I am a black woman. Who went to UMASS Amherst in the mid to late 90’s and there were a lot of racial issues on my campus. So talking to this sexy white guy I was not going to do. We were paired off the first day. He was on my team. So every project we were working together. The class ended and I let it go out of my mind.

Until the black girl on the track team started dating a white guy. She was high-profile. She was an athlete. I thought I am no one in this 20k student university. Who I dated was not important. So I called him to confess my lust. It took me two days of chit-chat to admit it. Then he said I liked you to that is why I sat next to you on the first day of class. I literally fell out the bed. By this point he was dating someone and I let it go. I didn’t want to but I did.

Fast forward a few years. We have graduated and he crossed my mind. I found him and called. Did I mention I was even fatter. He was working on the NJ shore and asked me to come visit. I couldn’t do it. I thought I looked worse since I left college. That was the last time I talked to him. Fast forward 15 years. I have maintained a 100 pound weight loss. Life is good. I have a self esteem.

Now I am nervous to call him. I have never been the nervous type. Well after the 100 pound weight loss. I jump in with both feet. Now I am heistant. The number is sitting at home. The one who got away. I want to know how he is doing. What if he is married? What if he is dead? What if that number doesn’t work? Is it better to keep it a fantasy?

I am going to have to make a decision!!!!

Friends with benefits!

Friends (With Benefits)

I have had friends with benefits over the years. They are still friends they don’t live in my state anymore. Or they got married so the benefits are no longer.  I have been so focus on being a mother lately. I have went on a few dates but not as many as I use to. Also the friends with benefits was only reserved for certain situation. All this to say I am craving the human touch. Months have passed and now I just can’t shake it.

I text this guy that made my toes curl. We had a brief relationship years ago. We had a long conversation this morning. My first question to him is how was his relationship? There is a reason I start with that question. He said pretty much the same. I wouldn’t mind a see him again. Not if he is in a relationship. The reason I ask about his relationship is because I know him. We had great chemistry in that department. I know if I had told him what I called for he would have never been honest about his relationship.

Karma is a bitch. I do not want to be evolved in anyones cheating situation.

It doesn’t change the situation of my lack of male attention in my world. I don’t know what my next step will be in this department. I would be nice to leave GA on a good happy note. No one can disagree good sex is stress releasing. I have been under a lot of stress.

I was talking to a guy friend. He said I am sure there are plenty of men who would take you up on that offer. That is the problem I do not want a one night stand. I want a friend with benefits. There is a clear difference. A true friend will help you move. Will come get you if you are stranded on the side of the road. You don’t do the walk of shame with friends with benefits. He didn’t get it. Oh well he doesn’t have to. My one night stand days are over!!

I might just have to suck it up and ignore my body and keep it moving. I have no idea at this moment. It is on my mind!!!