My weight has been an issue my whole life. In my adulthood I am 100 pounds smaller than I was in my adolescence . 30 pounds might not be a big deal. The problem is I have an addiction to food. Long story short. I use it for comfort. I use it when I feel my life isn’t going according to plan. Which has been a lot lately. I will admit I use it for every damn thing. Happy, Mad, Sad, Glad. It is my defense mechanism. I do have a program to work on these issues. Which is all I can really say. (long story)
Tomorrow is the day I give up caffeine. Once that is done I will have no mood altering drugs in my life. Smoking was given up last year. I can barely believe it has been over a year since I took a puff.
I am in a tight size 10. When I say tight my pants leave marks. I am doing better because I was in a 12 not that long ago. Which I had sparingly in my closet. I have a closet full of 8. Did I mention my highest size was a 22. So I tend to think what the hell am I bitching about.
Well I want to be the best me I can be. So I need to get off my ass and exercise. I have a gym membership I haven’t used in almost six months. The only reason I am not that upset is due to the price being ten bucks a month. I have spent a lot more on a gym memberships that I have never used. Since I never focused on exercise in my weight loss. Just a life style change of what I put in my mouth. I will have to say I am more flabby than tone. It isn’t a crazy amount of flab. Enough flab I am not happy about it.
I need to get myself in a good place. I don’t know how I am going to do that. It is on my mind daily. Will I not be happy until I achieve pregnancy? I need to be happy every day. Recently it has been hard. I am not a patient person at all. I am ready for my life change.
I look at myself and think I did a lot but, still not enough for my standards. The funny thing is I thought I had an endless amount of time to conquer my dreams. So being lazy for countless weekends went Unnoticed. I only feel a sense of urgency when someone dies. Especially when someone dies young. Then I start getting on the ball with the to do list of crap that has sat on my computer, or in a corner for countless days, months or even years.