Death of a stranger

I am a YouTube fanatic. Daily I watch the video of the people I subscribe to. Sometimes I am envious of there lives. You know the same as with Facebook  Well this one couple mention that a Vlogger died. Her husband posted her death during child-birth. I was thrown back. I went to her channel immediately  She was posting about her natural hair journey. Also keeping a video log of her pregnancy. The last post was her saying everything with her and the baby were fine. Wow!!! I thought. How life can change on a dime. You never know what is in your future. When things like that happen I work on being grateful  Which I have a lot of things to be grateful for.

The baby made it and is ICU. Now a father is left with two children. An eight year old and a newborn. The whole this is very sad. I am going to pray for that family!!!

 

I need to let the past go!!

I was talking to an ex boyfriend yesterday. We met 12 years ago. We made an attempt at a relationship twice during those years. They both failed miserable. We are great friends. Sometimes I get caught up in the good times we had. My mind wonders to how this could work out. It forgets he can be a major jerk at times. That uses my feelings as a punching bag. I don’t have those issue just being his friends. My expectation for a relationship is much higher.

Why do I keep going backwards. It could be I have nothing in the pipeline at the moment. I could be I am in limbo living with friends. Even thought I am ready to move home. I am glad I missed the hurricane. So far my family is all safe which is a blessing. I have a heavy heart for the folks in New Jersey.  I liked every person I have met from NJ. One of my crushes in college was from there. I wish I could find out how he is doing. Damn there I go again. Stuck in the past. I need to move from the past into the great future of potential.

I was on Facebook last night. Trying to figure out how it works. Crazy right!! I have been on that website for years. I am the post pictures, look at pictures, read a little and get off type. I really have no idea how the website works and how I get all these random messages with crazy links attached. I guess I really don’t care. But I did spend an hour last night trying to figure it out.  Waste of my time personally!!!

Working on staying in the present. That is my new challenge!!!

 

Daddy Rage!!

My father made me very upset yesterday. He was telling me he was considering buying another step grandchild a car. If you do for one you need to do for another. I said hold up. I never got a car. You are buying cars for kids that are spoiled and doing nothing to deserve it.
This man made up every excuse in the book. Also told me I should not be jealous. I am a grown woman and got all my stuff together. Yeah from my own blood sweat and tears. Not to much help from either parent. My father bought one of these step grandchildren a car. Yes this is his deceased wife grandchildren. Then he crashed it up. My father fixed it and gave it back to him. Did I mention he barely has a part time job. Graduated from high school with no plan at all. Doesn’t have money to put gas in the car. But it seems he has money to buy an X box.

I was steaming!!! These kids get a father I never had. My step monster never liked me and I hated her. She wanted my father to deal with her kids and grandchildren and forget about his own. Now that she is dead I get all this interest about my life. I thought I let all this go years ago. But to hear you are doing all this for these kids is really getting under my skin. My father doesn’t understand how much of a jerk he really is. I didn’t use those words. But really wanted to. One of his excuses was I am a woman and have ambition. They don’t. I damn near jump through that phone. I told them so you give them gifts for doing nothing.

The step grandchild who got the car crashed it up and got it back. My father and step mother raised since he was 2. I am not seeing a great job here. The question is what the hell is he doing now. It looks like absolutely nothing. I was raised by my grandmother and I have strived and worked for everything. It got to the point I was screaming on the phone. You didn’t pay for one book when I was in college. He mention he paid my health insurance. I said correction you paid one year I paid the other three. Oh he made me so mad. It is unfair. I know I need to let it go. I don’t know what I wanted him to say.

Was he going to say sorry I was wrong. Hell no this is my father we are talking about. It is you need to get over it. How old are you, and all you accomplished. How can you compare yourself to these kids. Compare myself bullshit. These kids can’t compare themselves to me. I got nothing handed to me an accomplished alot. They get everything handed to them and accomplish nothing. So dad tell me how you did a good job raising that boy!!! When you daughter who was trying to make a better life for herself you did what???

My SHERO!!!

My mother is my hero today. I had an argument with my father. I was very hurt. He was telling me all the things he does for his step grandchildren. Then he used the words you do for one you have to do for another. I was spitting nails at this point. I jump in hold up you never did this stuff for me. He made every excuse in the book for why it was okay. I let it go but was still very upset. I never usually argue with my father. Usually because it goes no where. Other than that I don’t know why. I guess when I argue with my mother I know she will always love me. I guess I don’t feel the same about my father.

I told my mother what happened. She asked my if I wanted her to say something. I said no. That is like telling the grass not to grow. I talked to her yesterday and she cussed that man out. The man known as my father. She told him you will not hurt my daughters feelings. Also those are no your grand-kids.  Yes you raised them I understand that but they are not yours. She said a lot to put him in his place. I wanted to cry. My mom has my back. She jumps to protect when she knew my father hurt me.

She also schooled me on my father is not a bad guy. Which he isn’t. He has done for me over the years. Not with money LMAO. But he has picked me up and dropped me off to college with all my crap. He went to court with me when I got in trouble. Thank god that was all cleared up. It is just hard to swallow that these kids get a father I never had. I had a get in here and their dad. Not even consistent. They had an everyday dad.

This was all over a car. A car he gave one of these kids. Then he said he needed to get the next one in line a car. My mother said it better than I ever could. She told him it has nothing to do with a car. She doesn’t need you for that. She can buy herself anything she wants. It is about being loved and respected and acknowledging that you are proud of her. DAMN I love my mother so much!! I love my father too but I am glad my mother put the smack down!!!

 

I am ready to go!!

User:Grunt's insane stamp.

 

My direct boss went to work for our sister company. My boss, boss gave her notice. I think the writing is on the wall. I am ready to give my notice also. Well give my notice in my head. My date to give my notice in reality is the second week of January to move in February. I wish it could be tomorrow.

 

I told my boss, boss that I am not taking on crazy responsibility and I am not sleeping at this job. If they let me go they do. I will go to Boston with an unemployment check. Which would actually be great for me. I severely doubt that is going to happen. They actually value me here. At-least they have in the past. With new management coming in it is anyone guess how things are going to go. I just want everything to go in my favor. Wouldn’t that be nice!!!

 

I did win on a scratch ticket. I haven’t found out how much. So I can fantasy all day about my next step if I have won. As I stated many times before my fantasy life is so much better than my reality. I want it to be the reverse. Then life would get very interesting.

 

Now for the real news. X boyfriend that I wished dead contacted me. Yes I talked to him. It was a decent conversation. First text then ended in verbal. How about he started talking about marriage. Yes, can you believe that. Okay let me clear this up. I made a joke about marriage and he alluded to us talking about getting married. Shocked is what I was. You know I love this man. I have to, to put up with all his shit all these years. Should we get married. When I think of all the shit I put up with I would say hell no. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is something totally different. Am I ready to say yes to this. absolutely not!! It might be his last-ditch attempt to keep me. He knows I am out of the state in four months. He knows I am going home to get pregnant. Which was actually his job not to long ago.

 

I have no idea what to do. I did tell him, I would have to hear something really extra special for me to change my plans. Shit that still might not be enough. I am sick of being disappointed by this man. Can I say what well happen at this point. NO!!! Life is stranger than fiction. My life is not different.

 

You couldn’t have convince me five years ago, I would be buying sperm online and living with my mother again.  We will see!! Presently nothing has changed but the man I have had known for 12 years creating controversy. God HELP ME!!

 

Not to mention every time I see another wedding or baby on Facebook I want to delete my profile. I guess I also have issues. But what else is NEW!!!

 

Taking a break

I am home alone with the dogs. My roommates are out-of-town driving her mother back from California. She will be the new addition to our roommate situation. I am very nervous. I haven’t lived with a lot of people since I was a child. I grew up in a house of five people and one bathroom. I know family can be a strain and know how to hit you where it hurts. A friend of mine said she isn’t your mother. Which is true. I have my own room and space. I am hoping for the best. Plus I am only going to be here the latest February.

I was kind of sick yesterday and spent the day on the couch watching on demand. I usually don’t get to watch too much on demand except on my computer. Now I am watching the big screen in the living room. The only noise is two dogs with needs I am actually not in the mood to deal with. I have been enjoying my time in the house alone. It makes me miss my own space. The more I think about moving in with my mom and having children. The more I think about moving in with my mother and having babies how being alone with my thoughts will be a thing of the past.

Am I ready for this!! I think so and that is my best answer for the moment. I know this journey is going to have it’s up and downs. I am going to be in emotional and conflicted forever.

Where is the light!!

I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. No luck on the scratch tickets. I am saving but I don’t feel fast enough. I look on the websites and I see jobs I would apply for if I was in Boston already. Limbo sucks!!! How do people stand it. I am trying to decided if I am going to inseminate myself. NW Cryobank sends the sperm to your house. I am thinking if I am to scared I can get my home girl to do it. She is an RN. Granted she hasn’t really practiced.

It really can’t be that difficult. I might give it a shot. I am working on my issues with things will come in their own time.

My boss got a new job within the company. Then my boss, boss quite. In two weeks we are going to be stuck like chuck. I am ready to blow this pop stand. I don’t want to be here when hell breaks loose. My goal is to be out of here in January. My mom was shocked I am coming so quick. For some reason she thought it was going to be April.

Everyone shocked I am leaving in the cold. I know I am going to freeze my ass off.  I need to get this crap started. My eggs are not getting any younger. I will be 38 in February. So hopefully by April I will have a job, been there several months and can start my insemination  That is my plan. Which is all subject to change when the bag of money falls in my lap. HEY A GIRL CAN DREAM!!!!

Not feeling great!!

 

positive pregnancy test

positive pregnancy test (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A SMC  friend got a positive pregnancy test. I am so happy for her. She has had such a difficult time. She needed some good news. It will be confirmed next week.

 

I feel fat, alone and pitiful  My mom is always screaming you are blessed. Yes I am. I know I am. But my constant answer is I am human. I have not been the most positive person. If anything most of my life I have been a very negative person.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard. Things are going my way in a big way. No more house to deal with. Do I miss it. HELL NO!!! I am glad to be out of it. A friend of a friend asked for my Realtor information. She wants to do the same thing. I feel the biggest monkey has been lifted from my back.

 

The guy I didn’t sleep with. That was the best decision I made in a long time. I have called him we have chatted but that was about it. The interest was clearly lost on his side. Not unusually for me to meet another loser. No biggie!! I am so no phased by men who are jerks. I think I will be knocked off my chair to find someone caring, generous and the big one honest!!!

 

I am ready to move. I mentally ready to take Boston by storm. I am not financially ready. A recruiter called me for a job yesterday. I had to let him know I wasn’t interested. I am out of this state shortly.

 

My roommate said she is going to save a room for me if it doesn’t work out in Boston. That is one of my biggest fears. The aspect of it not working out. But I am an adult. I can find an apartment and live on my own again. I have options. They would be expensive options.

 

Even if I want to leave Boston I doubt I am will be going back to GA. I was thinking the DC area. I have family there. I don’t want to be isolated from family again. I have a cousin that moved back to GA. She lives so damn far away. We have only seen each other a few times in about four months.

 

My mind is all over the place. I want some thing in my life to be easy. I feel like I have always had it the hard way. Can I get a little easy!!!

 

Sex and Power!!

The moment I have sex with someone I give them power. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me. Other times it creates emotional and mental chaos  I had my little escapade in my car. The kissing and touching and heavy petting. Well I had to put the ca bosh on what was clearly going to come next. I took a major rain-check on going to Mr. Man house and watching a movie.

Clearly the gate way to be butt naked doing the dance to give a way my power. This man was honest he has absolutely no time for me. Did he say that no. He said he can make time. Yeah right !!! I heard his schedule and it sounds like there would be no time to make. Plus the moment a man get some sex then the tables turn. You see what they are really about. At your expense. I have no intention of giving this man this power. I have no time in my life to figure out if he is an asshole. Do I want him physically?  Oh yes I do!!

I also am not the best judge in this area. My body tells me something totally different from my mind. So I took my damn self to see the Avengers at the two dollar theater  Now that he knows he is not getting the goods we will see if he keeps in touch. Since I didn’t give him my power and he doesn’t keep in touch. I can let that go a whole lot quicker. It would be clear that his interest was a sexual one and not friends. Yes the man did use the word friends.

We will see if he stands by that  since I have no interest in going to his house. I also am sick of this house dating crap. Take me out. It can be a walk , it can be for coffee. It doesn’t have to always have to be at someones house.

Since I now live with roommates my house is off-limits anyways. I am changing my whole approach and perspective. Is sex worth the danger it can bring to me. I would say no. Women know the deal. You sleep with the ones you don’t want and don’t sleep with the ones you do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

After being put through the ringer by many males I finally learned a few lessons. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Now I am changing lanes and doing a double take before I take any leap.

I was at lunch and my girl said do you want to F^@&@ him. I said no. Then don’t go to his house. That is pretty much cut and dry. My mind would tell me it is the total wrong thing to do. Where as my body would totally win over. So I am planning not to fail!!!