Bad Fertility News

pregnancy test - negative

My test came back. In so many words my eggs suck. Yes I said it. They are old. My AMH was .28. Normal is 1-3. If I am pregnant right now, god was really on my side.  She wants me to start taking DHEA. The supplement that put all these damn pimples on my face. I have to say I am not excited about it.

She did say the results were expected for being 38. I swear I should have gotten knocked up years ago. No I was the safe sex poster girl. I need not joke about that because I know a few people who are HIV positive. I know I was doing the right thing. The problem in doing the right thing, I feel like I am getting the shit end of the stick.

I remember last year when a reproductive place said the .2 AMH just means you are going to go through menopause early. You could leave here and get pregnant right away. I am trying to stay positive. There are no guaranteeing in life.

I could be crying and my causal circumstance this weekend could have been my dream come true.

I don’t feel comfortable telling the doctor about the casual circumstance. So I am not sure how to maneuver through that one.

I am not feeling positive right now. I am going to work on it. I asked her does she still see good odds after my test have come back.  I am waiting for that answer. I swear I checked my email five times already.

I can not afford IVF. I am going to go all in with the medication and recommendation for the IUI.  I am hoping I don’t have to. I know, still trying to keep hope alive!!!!

I know people who have passed all test with flying colors and couldn’t get pregnant. Then their women who did horrible on the test and went home with a baby. God here my prayers. HELP ME!!!!!




Happy Birthday


I am officially 38 years old. My mom gave me her usual speech about my birth. I love hearing it every year. I called my dad. It is his birthday too. I was born on his 30th birthday. So he is 68 today. Which he told me last week, do not call him and remind him how old he is!! I thought that was so cute. He says it every year.


I came to work with a balloon on my door and a fruit basket from a co-worker. She also shares a birthday with her son. I always get them presents. Her son has been my little boyfriend for three years. He will be ten this year. He is so sweet, respectful and shy!! He made me a card, which I immediately put up. I have several cards from him, which is so precious.


I am not going to let the drama of yesterday get to me. Which I was shocked it played out on my blog. I digress ! I am going to enjoy this day. I have to appreciate I made it another year, where a lot of people have not.


A co-worker family friend died at 34 of cancer. She found out she had it in December and now she is gone. I feel sorry for her family and children. I made it another year and I need to show appreciation.


Another year to do better


Another year to try to live my dreams


Another year to appreciate my friends and family


Another year to not let anyone steal my joy


I have to say I would have never guessed my life would be this way. You make plans god laughs!! Life is also stranger than fiction.  The details of my life that I have shared with friends and on this blog have been great. Thanks for all the well wishes, optimism about my choices and journey to be a SMC.



Friends Past and Present

I use to be so close to my past friends. My aunt said I would marry them. Having a non Brady childhood and a lot of drama. I clung to my friends for dear life. For understanding and love that I felt I wasn’t getting at home. Growing up in the inner city all my friends had similar problems.

I felt my friends were family not just friends. With age I realized friendships fades with time. It doesn’t matter what you been through. I realized several of the people I had in my life, I had a  one-sided relationship. I was doing all the work and putting them on pedestals and not getting anything in return.

About five years ago I decided to stop the BS. I removed myself out of the situation with certain people. Recently one of these people have contacted. I wasn’t bubbling over with joy to hear from her. Five years had passed. She sent me an email like we are great friends and haven’t talked in a little while. I told her where to go because I wanted her to understand why I was replying to her email like she was a stranger. To me she is a stranger.

I am not some crazy person who expects to talk to someone everyday  I use to call every two or three months. She didn’t have time to talk. Only when she had something to share. Then I realized this chick hasn’t dialed my number in over a year. Literally I did all the calling to her. Then she didn’t even return my calls when I called her. I had enough. Actually she wasn’t the only one. So it took her five years to notice she hasn’t done her part.

The email dialogue continue and ended on a bad note yesterday. Well today I get an apology email. I accepted her apology. I still do not desire to pick up where we left off. I am not the same person and refuse to be put back in the box of lackey friend.

My friends in my life now are tangible  Some are long distance and some are local. When I talk to them I feel the care and concern for me and my life. I have gotten rid of the access baggage.

With the acceptance of the apology she is sending get to know each other email. I might stop responding! I just not feeling it.


Possible Change of Plans?

I am officially moved into my own place. The movers were slow as hell and it cost me an additional hundred more than I was expecting. I will never use them again. You live and learn!!

So I was inseminated on Friday. The ex came by and yes the baby dance was done. I didn’t have my strips for the ovulation. They were in a box somewhere, which I just found this morning. I should have gotten the double lines on Saturday.  The relations happened Friday night.

Just in case you are wondering. I did not trick this man. He knew what was on the table. He travels 90% for his job. He just happened to be around. This could be a big mistake. Who knows I can’t predict the future and am not going to try.

I went to my acupuncturest on Saturday. I told her I was inseminated on Friday. I asked my SMC friend what I should say. I am not big into giving details. I know it sounds crazy, since I tell all my business on my blog.

That is different, I don’t know you guys. I didn’t want to tell this woman I had relations when I have been talking about insemination for about a year.

I have to say she gave the royal treatment. She told me to come back next week. Not to eat pineapple (never heard that before). I don’t have my supplements.  They are also in a box somewhere in my new apartment. I am going to buy some prenatal and folic today.

If I am pregnant with my twins. I would be the best coincidence of my life. Here is to keeping hope alive. I am still ready to pay for insemination. That is not off the table if a baby does not materialize from Friday activities.


Life Choices

Moving day is tomorrow. I don’t want to do the work but excited about having my own space.

I love my dog, but he is not coming with me. He is home. I know he will miss me and I will him. I won’t miss walking him in the cold and rain. Does that make me a bad person??? I more of a cat person. I had him for seven years. I love my five-pound pain in the ass. Now he has brother dog and seems happier. He was board and lonely when it was just him and I. Now he plays and runs and has a good time. I have to admit I do feel guilty. I am going to have to work through that.

I am starting to get bitter about a few things.

1)My weight

2) no sex life

3) Paying to have a baby and other just have sex!!

I knew I was going to go through a lot of emotions. They have always been there. They are just multiplying by the day. Every time I think about the price of having a baby, I get upset.

I have literally never tried getting pregnant. Even when I had the ex in the picture, he was never around when I was ovulating.

I could be fertile mertile for all I know. I have protected my eggs from sperm for a number years. Hindsight is a MF!! I could have tried to get knocked up years ago. I had no idea I would have been in this position.

I have to admit I still want to find an easy way. Will it happen?? I have no damn idea. I am keeping hope alive. The war is not lost until that first insemination. Which will probably be in April.

I still think about my ex. Yes the man I cursed to high hell. We talked yesterday!! I asked him why I have been obsessed with him for over 11 years? That is why I need not judge anyone. I have issues like everyone else!!!


The best laid plans. I wanted to have a washer and dryer when I moved in. I coordinated with the leasing agent to open the door for the delivery people. Well his ass isn’t in the office at the moment. Which pisses me off, since I confirmed this with him a few days ago.

Well whoever is there told the delivery people who I don’t have a signed lease. Which is total bullshit. My lease is in my purse. I have paid them all the money from Friday until the end of the month. Now they took a lunch break. I been calling every five minutes  Not because I believe they will suddenly be there, but every time I think about it, I am dialing the number again.

Finally I got the manager on the phone. My lease does not start until Friday. She is willing to make an exception, and the young dude who told it will be okay is going to get in trouble. How about today is his day off. I am not feeling sorry for him. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. I thought they do this all the time. I even called this fool two days ago to remind him. It is his damn day off. Clueless is all I can say. My friend who lives there said the staff is clueless. So I will tell her she is right!!

Now these people have me paranoid. I called my insurance company and tried to start my renters insurance pronto. They won’t start until 12:01 am. I can live with that. I pray for a smooth move on Friday. I need to breathe and let go and let god.

So the date I went on a little while ago. I thought I would text him. I wasn’t expecting much of a response because I felt he wasn’t interested. He actually did respond and said he had been busy. So we will see? I told him we could watch a movie at my place once it is together. I finally have a place to invite males over to.

I got two nice emails from two cute guys online today. Even though I take those things as a grain of salt. It is nice to hear you are gorgeous every now and again!!!

So much to do!

I am trying to keep it together. I did nothing last night. I am such a procrastination. I did go buy three more boxes. I didn’t put anything in them. 🙂

Tonight will be packing night. I also been trying to see the best way to handle this fertility stuff financially. I do plan to pay as much I can as I go. But if it is going to be on a credit card, or line or credit I want the lowest interest rate possible.

I need to put in a change of address. I am going to do that tomorrow. So do I want to push for my first insemination to be in March or April. I think fear is really starting to set in.  I need to jump and take suggestions. So I will wait until my doctors appt to make the call.

I called my sperm bank. They have 50 vials of the guy I want. I was trying to decided to buy a lot or pay as I go. I do desire two children. I am praying I get them at once.

If I do not have twins, the questions is do I care if they have different dads. I am leaning towards no. I know a lot of siblings with different dads. I guess it isn’t that big of a deal in this century. So no storing sperm. If they run out they run out. I do want to look at the list again. They have added five more people to their bank.

My pants are tight. I am not happy about it at all. Granted these are my small pants. When they are big on me I have a smile on my face. They have been getting tighter and tighter. I am not dying yet, and hope not to be.  I am not ready to deal with this. I will think about my weight again on Sunday. After my move, and hopefully fully un packed and ready to seattle in to my own space.

Stress always made me eat. Where I am, I feel stressed. So it is time to go. Three more days!!!

Packing Sucks!!

moving day


I have four days to get my stuff together. I started packing last night. It looks like I am only going to need two additional boxes. Am I ready for my own place? Yes!! I still hate the process of packing and moving.


I picked a mover and I hope I don’t get screwed but you never know. I am going to have to say a prayer and suck it up.


My roommate mom and I got in a argument on Friday. Thought I was going to be able to leave unscathed  I guess that was not meant to happen. People usually assume I am soft and a punk because I am quiet and giving.


Well this woman and I went toe to toe and it was ugly. She started with a back-handed apology that I was not going to accept. You know I was wrong but you do X kind of crap. She also insinuated I was listening to her conversation. Lets just say I let her have it!!!  I wished I could leave that day. Not because I am scared of her or anything. I just hate stressful environments. Well to my surprises she came back with a real apology. She said she was wrong no excuses. I have to say I was surprised and amazed. I thought hell just froze over. I accepted her apology and said a few things I had to get off my chest,  Now all is good in the hood. Hopefully until Friday at least when I make my exist.


I went to my complex to see if they will let me see the apartment. No luck it isn’t cleaned yet. I did run into my old co-worker and her husband. The reason I picked the apartment. She looked great. She had lost 40 pounds which I was very impressed. We talked for a while and I went to buy a few things for my new place I will be calling home.


I am waiting for my credit union to get back to me about that loan. Today is president day so it will not be today.


This would be a great time for a scratch ticket win. 🙂


I have six of them. Which I decided will not be scratched until I am in my own place.


My mom is coming to visit. I am excited, she has only been here once in 12 years. This time we are going to do more. My aunt is already getting ready for her visit. Then I have to take time off for my cousin/Brother wedding. (Cousin/Brother=he is more like a brother. No Jerry Springer situation LOL)


I am praying I get pregnant on the first try. I am sure everyone has that prayer. But god has been on a roll with me. I know it is possible  I also know myself. I am going to stack the deck with some Soy isoflavone with my clomid. That is if she gives me clomid. I have to wait to the doctor’s appt.


Finally in the GAME!!

Waiting for aunt flow to show up is a very different experience for me. I am finally in the game of TTC. No more talking and dreaming about it. The credit card is ready to be used. I need to call and find out the limit. It might get maxed and I don’t care. I really don’t want a whole bunch of debt if possible.

I am on the phone with my credit card right now to get the interest rate lowered. I guess I should have thought about that before now. Oh well, better now than never. I am sure they will be less interested when I have thousand and thousand on a credit card. I love my blog it really makes me think about what I am doing. I am going to look for a loan at a low rate instead of a credit card. My credit card is 15%. That is to damn high. They lowered it to 11.9%, still not good enough for me. I just filled out a form for a loan with my credit union. They gave me a 10.9%. How about I was 4 points short from A+ credit where I could have gotten a 8.9%. Damn short sale!!!  He did say I can call for a rate modification in six months. We will see if they approve me. They will call me back in a few days.

I was asked about the protocols they are suggesting. Well first I like the concept of not having all these test right up front.  I went and did blood work today. I am not coming in infertile. Now do I know if I am or not? No I don’t have that answer. I also have no reason to believe I am not.

I do know several people who did all the test, at their expense. Passed with flying colors and did not get pregnant. Also a few that did bad on a few test that are pregnant or had babies.

My problem with these test is you could pass all with flying colors and still not get pregnant. They put you in the unexplained infertility. Not to say they are not helpful and no I am not a doctor. I just had a problem with that. A friend of mine had a five percent chance with an IUI and got pregnant on the first try. She got pregnant and is doing well.

I know I could have something wrong blocked tubes etc. All that to say you never know. A friend of mine husband had a vasectomy reversed. They told her she would never get pregnant by him. Well she is on baby number two. I do not believe doctors know everything. Faith needs to be evolved in a big way. I am going to take it as it comes.

Okay their protocols that changes the price.

1) whether you want to do two insemination one the first day of ovulation and another the next day.

They do advise you use to sperm samples. Regardless if you use it the same day or split one for two days.

2) Profasi only (Trigger shot to make you ovulate)

3) Letrozole or Clomid and Profasi

4) Letrozole or Clomid and Profasi and Menopur

Not sure what the Menopur does. I will have to look that up. Now if you decided to do samples on one day it is one price. One sample on two consecutive days a different price. The basic protocol is you show up get an insemination with no medication. The cost range from 400-1210. I haven’t gotten what is not included in that cost. This place is pretty good about detailing the price of everything. This I was not to clear on.

I hope I answered the question. Any more feel free to ask!!!


Today was my consultation. I took the day off because I had other things to accomplish. Plus I had several vacation days I needed to use. I also just wanted a day off.  I walked into the office with a bunch of emotions. The counselor was very nice informative and positive. This is not a reproductive center, which I felt were money-grubbing. This is a non-profit women’s center. They cater to lesbian and Single Mother By Choice. She said I was doing several things correct and was very impressed.

1) Acupuncture

2) Supplements (Prenatal, Folic acid, CoQ-10, DHEA, Fish Oil)

3) Periods Tracked for A Year

4) Ovulation tracked for a four months (Tracked twice a day)

5) Sperm Donor picked out

She was impressed with my knowledge and knowing what I wanted. I even discussed what she said in the seminar I went to last year. What I learned from my two hours. This is not going to be cheap. It is going to be far more expensive than I ever expected. I am having a hard time with the financial part, but there is no turning back. I have a clear credit card ready and waiting.

The good news she said I was a good weight. Which blew my mind. I gained 20 pounds I told her I wanted to lose 40 pounds. She told me I would be too thin. My body mass is fine for having a baby. You don’t want to be to thin or to heavy. When I said I needed to lose weight she gave me a dirty look and said “I don’t think so”. She told me she is not telling me to eat french fries everyday, but I don’t need to lose weight right now.

That took a lot off my mind. I have been obsessed about my weight for 20 years. I don’t want to gain anymore unless I am pregnant, but the whole conversation put a smile on my face.

I know my friends feel I been obsessed for over a year. Which they would not be wrong. I advised a few people to walk in my foot steps if they wanted to achieve a baby. Most put it on hold. It was their choice. I didn’t want to put it on hold. I guess I wanted to feel like I was doing something while waiting to figure out how the hell I would afford having a baby. Now after this consultation I am happy I was obsessed. It worked in my favor big time. I might have my first insemination in March. The only reason it might be on hold is due to the doctor having a vacation planned.

She told me I had a third of my testing already completed. I thought to myself YES!!! that is great. She gave me a paper to get blood work on the third day of my period. Then we will make an appointment with the doctor. I am on my way.

Now the cost, there was four options. Each more aggressive and more costly. I am such an aggressive person with lack of patients. I am ready to go all in. I talked to another SMC and she said I know two people who got pregnant with a non medicated IUI. Which she is correct. I am still ready to go all in. Now the Doctor will look over my test and give me her opinion. After that I will make a decision. I was told regardless of what the doctor advised I can do the protocol  I want. It is totally my choice and that was refreshing.

I also put the money down and signed a lease on an apartment today. Yes I will be living alone in about two weeks. I am excited and sad. I miss having my own space that I can make my own rules. I will miss my roommates and the fun we had. It was nice to have people concerned about me. Living alone I didn’t have that. When I lived in my house, I had neighbors I didn’t visit in months. So being around people everyday was new. I really enjoyed it, but now with the added person and extra stress of the situation it is time for me to go. All in all a good day. Now waiting for aunt flow to show up so I can get my testing done. I am praying to get pregnant with my twins the first insemination. God brought me this far!!!!