Friends Past and Present

I use to be so close to my past friends. My aunt said I would marry them. Having a non Brady childhood and a lot of drama. I clung to my friends for dear life. For understanding and love that I felt I wasn’t getting at home. Growing up in the inner city all my friends had similar problems.

I felt my friends were family not just friends. With age I realized friendships fades with time. It doesn’t matter what you been through. I realized several of the people I had in my life, I had a  one-sided relationship. I was doing all the work and putting them on pedestals and not getting anything in return.

About five years ago I decided to stop the BS. I removed myself out of the situation with certain people. Recently one of these people have contacted. I wasn’t bubbling over with joy to hear from her. Five years had passed. She sent me an email like we are great friends and haven’t talked in a little while. I told her where to go because I wanted her to understand why I was replying to her email like she was a stranger. To me she is a stranger.

I am not some crazy person who expects to talk to someone everyday  I use to call every two or three months. She didn’t have time to talk. Only when she had something to share. Then I realized this chick hasn’t dialed my number in over a year. Literally I did all the calling to her. Then she didn’t even return my calls when I called her. I had enough. Actually she wasn’t the only one. So it took her five years to notice she hasn’t done her part.

The email dialogue continue and ended on a bad note yesterday. Well today I get an apology email. I accepted her apology. I still do not desire to pick up where we left off. I am not the same person and refuse to be put back in the box of lackey friend.

My friends in my life now are tangible  Some are long distance and some are local. When I talk to them I feel the care and concern for me and my life. I have gotten rid of the access baggage.

With the acceptance of the apology she is sending get to know each other email. I might stop responding! I just not feeling it.

 

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11 thoughts on “Friends Past and Present

  1. This self righteous nonsense is incredible. I wasn’t all too eager to talk to you because I no longer was able to identify with you. I wasn’t 16 anymore and for the good and bad didn’t share the same concerns or time. You called me at 7am about some clown you met and how you were about to ‘kick him to the curb” (or maybe you’ve conveniently forgotten that but do remember sending my daughter a jumpsuit which you classlessly mentioned in a previous email). You would complain how your friends with kids just don’t make time for you anymore. I couldn’t make time to listen to stories about your…. endless non-committal dating, weight worries, clubbing, food battles, fears of aging, static gossip about how you make better decisions than your ‘friends’ and my friends and how you are above settling, and how giving you were to people that didn’t give back equally, how great Sex and the City was (one of the WORST and most delusional shows in history mind you) your hair (to perm or not to perm), the gym, your house, your cousin, your dog, your pop and his blue collar work (who’s line of work moderately embarrassed you- so conflicting for a self described inner city kid). The list goes on and on. I thought it was fine to phase out contact for a bit in hopes that you would grow and catch up down the line. Contrary to your belief, friends can go quite a bit of time without talking and allow time for growth without growing bitter or resentful. Since we didn’t have beef, I didn’t think it was hostile but I knew a break was warranted.
    I let you have this one sided view for as long as I could stand. Write me off…play the martyr, twist it and make it all better for you..promptly delete the comment of the target who completely disagrees with you. whatever is going to get you through this life semi intact. But understand that you are in no way a victim from other people’s bs and that maybe just maybe you are a victim of your own arrested development. Come on down from that soap box and join the commoners. There’s a lot of fun, love and newness down here or of course defer. As usual it’s your choice.

    • Victim is not what I claim. Calling me self righteous is laughable, clearly from this comment. I am sorry I didn’t fit into your superior life. Since my conversation about (endless non-committal dating, weight worries, clubbing, food battles, fears of aging, static gossip about how you make better decisions than your ‘friends’ and my friends and how you are above settling, and how giving you were to people that didn’t give back equally) was so below you to listen to. You were correct the end of the friendship was warrantied. I guess what you call arrested development I call life.
      If you feel no contact for five years warrants a continued friendship then sorry we are not on the same page. No we are not 16 anymore. Thank god I could see through this from the beginning.
      I wish you and your family the best!!!

    • I’m curious as to why didn’t you tell her how you felt? That’s what friends do. It’s also funny becasue you seemed to have been silently critical of her and her way of life. If that was the case and all this time has past, why bother getting in touch again at all? It appears as though you guys were at a crossroads, and had clearly taken different directions. Also, it’s a little crummy to write this on her blog don’t you think.

    • As a single mother myself, I understand that time for anything outside of children seems like a luxury. While I do not claim to still be able to lunch / club / coffee with my girls the way I used to, I do make time for those friends who matter to me (which is why they are my friends). The only time I have ever taken a break from a friend for longer than six months without checking in has been when there has been major beef. If you feel that not speaking to a “friend” for more than five years is acceptable, perhaps you should reassess your definition of the word. If you couldn’t make time to lend an occassional ear to a friend, that makes you selfish. I’m sure she grew tired of listening to your umpteenth story about your child using the potty, etc. If you couldn’t be honest with her and say that you couldn’t identify with her any longer, that makes you fake. The only one playing the matyr in this instance is you. If you didn’t identify with her and felt a break was warranted, then why did you spend so much time reading her blog and using the information as justification as to why you’ve decided to cut ties with her? It seems to me that in attacking her for what she felt when she cut ties five years ago and for what she feels now, you recognized the need to examine your own actions and didn’t like what you saw. But friendship is a two way street and a true friend will help you grow by calling you on your BS while accepting your comments about hers. Can you rise to the occassion?

  2. In reading this I am left confused and in disbelief!! When in the hell did normal girl talk and everyday life that was supposedly between friends become frivolous!! If it was so many underlying issues that were between you two, as a grown woman that is no longer 16 why didn’t you address them several years ago!! Yes, it is true that people grow up and things and situations change..but true friends remain through it all!! Life is just that…full of change and differences, you address them and you move forward!! You don’t get on someone’s blog and slander them and display malicious hurtful information. As if in order to embarrass them!! When at the end of the day..it is you that popped up out of the blue. If you had not, life would have surely gone on!! As it will even after all this is over!! I personally know the blogger and I consider our friendship to be solid with mutual respect!! We have not been friends since childhood, but we have known each other for several years. She is humble, honest, loving, and straight forward!! To me those make the traits of a damn good friend!! You may want to get off of your high horse, and come back down to earth…and check yourself and what the meaning of true friendship is…and realize that you can’t lay in wait for 5 years and expect someone to welcome you back with open arms!!

  3. It’s all just very sad. I can see it from both sides and it’s always sad when something ends and even sadder when it ends badly. I know both parties, although one better than the other. Lack of communication and understanding is a death sentence to any relationship. Things change, people change and relationships reach the end of their life cycle. Maybe in this situation there is no victim and there is no hero. Just two people who have grown in different directions. Not better or worse directions, just different.

  4. What sad about this whole discussion is that she has no inkling of the meaning of friendship. For this I forgive her…… Most working adults, stay at home moms, college students or whatever you do can relate to the fact that you sometimes may not have time to stay in contact with your “closest of close” friends. However, despite all our daily demands, you come to a point when you reach out to those (that you consider a friend) to “catch up”. Of course this is not warranted daily, but definitely not every five years. You communicate with people at reunions, conferences, social gatherings every five years but not people you consider friends. What appalls me is the fact that she has put your business on blast without any disregard. This is a clear illustration that she is not a friend. If your babbling about your life bothered her so much why did she reach out after so long? True friends tell each other the TRUTH. We don’t go silent hoping the problem will go away.. What you probably did is talk about her for five years instead of talking to her. What I think is that she realized how good of a friend you was and she didn’t have any real ones so decided reach out. Also what is up with the email????????? If I haven’t heard from someone in five years I would miss them and want to hear their voice so I would call or try to stop by. I am just saying……that is what commoners do.

    Honey, please seek peace and closure from this toxic relationship. Girl you are blessed and with your most recent accomplishments you are doing well. You did the right thing accepting her apologies now move on-not worth your time . A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother-Proverbs 18-24

  5. Situations such as these are never pleasant but they are a part of life and growing as a human being. It’s clear that both parties had different expectations of friendship and each other, be it right or wrong. My grandmother always told me that people will try to project on you what they truly feel about themselves. What’s ironic is that you didn’t mention any names in your blog and folks didn’t know who you were talking about; however, I alway find it amazing how the guilty one always speaks first and the loudest!

  6. I agree with most of the comments. We all grow as people, and things change as we grow. Our interests change and our priorities change. We do grow apart as time goes on. What shouldn’t change is our kindest and compassion toward our real friends. Sound like this wasn’t a real friend. I have a habit of letting time pass between conversations with my friends, but when we do get back in touch, we are back in step. My friends know me and give me that space. If you are my friend, talk to me about all trials and tribulations, big, small, frivilous,… it doesn’t matter because you’re my friend . I’m here because I’m your friend. For someone to indicate she doesn’t want to deal with your drama, just means she was not your friend. She was an acquaintance who decided she no longer wanted to be an acquaintance.
    It’s ok girl. It’s important to know who your friends are, and now you know. Let it go (as you have) and keep it moving.

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