Well I had an ultrasound yesterday. I have a cyst. I will be having another ultrasound on the third day of my period. If the cyst is still there she will not give me fertility drugs. It would aggravate the cyst.
I asked her if I could do a natural cycle if the cyst is still there. “If that is how you want to spend your money” in a your crazy tone is the answer I got.
I am ready to do the damn thing. This could be good showing me I don’t need to spend all this money. A natural cycle takes the expense down big time. I also told her I would be doing one insemination not two. She said she gives me a 1% chance.
So natural and one insemination instead of two took my 10% down to 1%. She also told me when I do get on the medication, I should do it each month not every other month.
I have been listening to my positivity CD for the past two days. I have to say my faith is improving. I didn’t cry when she said those things yesterday. I had a feeling in my heart it will work.
I have read of a woman who had identical twins when they told her she would be wasting her money.
I went to see my acupuncturist, because we got out of work early. At the end of the session she said have you gained some weight. Pretty hard to hide when you are practically naked on the table. She said no good lose it. She wasn’t mean about it. Very to the point and immediately went to something else. I thought damn she couldn’t give me that with a chaser. I left and decided to do something about my weight. I have eaten great today. I also walked around a park twice. I would have went for the third if it didn’t start drizzling. Life is good, no complaints!!!
First ultrasound today. In two weeks I should be doing my first IUI. Reality is kicking in. I am listening to my positive thinking CD at work. I needed to hear more of it. My commute isn’t long anymore.
I am letting it start over again and again. I want it to sink into my brain. I know my clothes were not fitting the way I liked this morning. I didn’t start off in a good place. Now that I am on the second time with this CD I am feeling a little better. I just started to realize my VJAY is going to be on display a lot. I am not used to that. Once a year at the doctor’s office is what I use to.
I know I am going to have to get over it. I never thought it bothered me in the past. I wasn’t in love with spreading my legs in front of someone, but I could deal with it once a year. Well now it is going to be around five times this month.
I heard when you give birth everyone is down there. I’ll deal with that when it happens. I need to stay positive. My uterus is a fertile place. I will be pregnant with my twins this month. CD is working!!!!
First insemination is coming up. First ultrasound in a series of many is tomorrow. At first she told me I had to do the ultrasound on the second day of AF. Can you say I was more than disgusted I don’t want to deal with AF let alone sharing it with someone else. Well she said I can do the first ultrasound tomorrow. AF will be here soon.
Every time I think of something negative, I say something positive out loud I will conceive. I will have healthy children. I will have financial security. I have been overloading my friends with my concerns. Everyone has been good about listening to me. The best advice I got was saying something positive after thinking something negative. That is all to my friend D. I appreciate that!!
A lot is going through my mind. I am not coming back to work after the procedure I am going to use that time to think and pray. I might back to that park I found and walk around. Walking the trail will clear my mind. It is hard to think on a treadmill
in a gym. I am sending a thank you to everyone who has been there for me. I have surely got some great people rooting for me!!!
My first IUI is schedule for next month. I will be having several appointments. I sent my boss a vague but important email about doctor’s appointments. When I mentioned it before he seemed very worried. I asked a few people and let him know I wasn’t dying. In so many words.
I am worrying my ass off. Also re thinking using the Soy Isoflavones. I just want it to work so bad.
Doctor dude called me at 1am on Sunday. I said why you calling me at booty call hours when you can’t do anything about it. We both fell out laughing. Unless he has a Jet to get from PA to GA. We talked for a few hours. He still wants to buy me a plane ticket. I am still hesitant I have so much on my mind. I can’t worry about him right now. It is hard to concentrate at work with my mind swirling.
On a good note my insurance accepted my ultrasounds from my doctor. So I have almost got my deductible paid up. So many they will start covering something. Here is to keeping hope alive.
I am so happy it is Friday. I been feeling like I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I am sleeping in tomorrow. My cousin is in town for the weekend. He stayed with me last night. He put together my desktop today. Not it isn’t hard but my lazy ass haven’t done it. I am going to acupuncture Hopefully will attempt my taxes. Get some rest and enjoy life.
You will not believe I won another 60 bucks on my scratch tickets. I didn’t scratch all the ones I bought. You know my gambling self reinvested. This is fun and risky and stupid at the same time I was in the store and a woman told me she won 10k not to long ago.
The one thing I can say about scratch off. You have just as much chance as anyone else. So Yes I have reinvested the money I have won. I am up to 460 bucks. But each time I have bought myself lunch. Kept 20 bucks out the deal. I haven’t contributed any additional money then what I won. Now I can’t say that when I usually purchase these things.
My co-worker told me I am on a winning streak and need to keep playing. I know he said that because he is just as addicted as I am. Granted I am not using bill money or savings to play. That is where I draw the line.
I met a new guy online. He seems interesting. Since I been online so long I don’t get caught up in it. I always keep hope alive. You truly never know. I am debating about taking soy is0flavones with my femara when I TTC. I haven’t decided yet. I am so trying to stack the deck. Acupuncture DHEA, COQ10, Dirt Tea, Soy Is0flavones. I am doing everything I can!!!
I have issues. I was supposed to be reading my law of attraction books. Working on my weight loss and doing my damn taxes. Yes DAMN TAXES. I don’t feel like doing any of it. I feel like lying around like useless lump.
I really need to snap out of this. I have a lot to do and stay focused I am letting life live me again. Not living life.
I wish someone find a way to bottle or sell motivation. I would break out my credit card right now!!!
I thought it was so funny when Charlie Sheen was going downhill he kept saying he was winning. Not funny he was going downhill. The delusion that things were great. In this since I am winning. I won another 115 bucks on my scratch tickets. So we are close to 400 bucks in a week and a half. Granted I have reinvested most of it each time I win. It does put a smile on my face when I win.
Now mama wants to win the big money. 🙂
I am waiting for the social worker to contact me with my instruction for this first IUI. I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. I don’t take disappointment well. I guess I need to work on that. My optimism needs to not go down that road. I haven’t tried yet to get pregnant yet.
I was supposed to stop reading about IUI on the internet. It keeps making me depressed. So many stories of no success. I will have success!!! That what I need to keep telling myself.
In a way I wish I started with home insemination. Even thought I am not the do it yourself type. I am spending all this money in Georgia. When I found a place in Boston to do it a lot cheaper. To bad I am not in Boston. I sometimes regret not moving. It is cold there and I hate the cold. The job was too good to pass up.
Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I am still in this state. I need to stay focussed on my goals.
Everyone is on board with my baby success. They are all praying for me and it fills my heart so many people want my happiness.
I am not religious more spiritual. I live in a very religious state. The bible belt. So my friend told me to confess today. I didn’t know what she meant. I asked for an explanation. You state it is going to happen. Say you are fertile, say you will have your babies and be their mother. I said I am down for anything. I am going to begin my confessing tonight. It is right in line with my positive thinking. I will have my twins. They will be healthy and I will be their mother.
So on a funny note doctor dude called. He asked me am I really going to do this. I said well your sperm didn’t make in the mail so I guess I have no choice. We both broke out laughing. He still wants me to come PA to visit. On one hand I want to go. On another hand I been watching too much ID DISCOVERY and hearing about catfish which me not the risk taker I use to be. I think he needs to come my way first. On my turf, where I fell comfortable. I told him it has been five years.
The funny thing is I am not pressed about doctor dude. I have had so many bad dates from online. I can not see myself being stuck in PA and this dude turns out to be a dud. Plus I have a game plan. He isn’t included at the moment. He also needs to make more of an effort to be included.
Confessing and positive thinking and optimism are the new things in my life. I won another hundred bucks on scratch tickets I was shocked. First I won 100 then reinvested of course. Won 80 reinvested of course. Then another 100. Will be reinvested today. I haven’t finished scratching all the tickets I bought from the initial 100. So who knows. I am on a winning streak. My meal ticket might be a scratch away.
The fantasy will get me through work today with a smile.
Well ex showed his ass again. I swear this time it was my fault. I was feeling fat and insecure and called him. I am praying I don’t do that again. I put him on the reject list on my cell phone. If he calls it will go straight to answering machine. I don’t want to hear anymore excuses.
I went to acupuncture and let her in on the bad news I wasn’t pregnant. She asked me what they said. I told her my eggs are bad. She gave me the nasty tea I am supposed to drink. I have to say I wasn’t excited about drinking this tea. It taste like I am drinking dirt. I need to do all I need to do for baby, so I am cooking the dirt tea right now. I have to drink a cup every other day.
I am so grateful to have good friends. I was feeling like the biggest loser to be in this situation with ex again. Two people told me we all been there. You are no different from most women who is in love with someone.
Yes I love a jerk and I wish I didn’t. I swear I have issues. The dirt tea is smelling up my house. Not in a good way. I was very depressed and upset yesterday. Today I am doing pretty well. I found a park near my house. I walked around it twice. I asked someone how many miles it was. It was a mile and half around. So I did three miles. Yeah for me. It is already five and I haven’t done half of what I should. Lazy Sunday!!!
I got a double line on the Wondfo ovulation kit. The clear blue easy no happy face. I think the Wondfo is more sensitive.
Mr. Man is out-of-town until tomorrow. We will see if another attempt gets underway. I am not banking on it. On a brighter note I am going dancing with the girls tomorrow night. I feel fat and don’t really feel like it.
I do need to get out of the house. I want to go and dance and have fun. I been spending to many weekends running errands and not trying to have fun.
I had to pick another damn sperm donor. This is getting ridiculousness My third choice that is CMV – is not out of quarantine.
The bank I am using is small and less expensive as the rest. So I am calling to get the updates of inventory. There website clearly is not updated on a regular basis.
My right side has been spasming for about an hour. It is tingle more than a pain. It kind of feel electric. I am not sure if this my ovaries telling me it is working. Or some blow back from the HSG test. It isn’t painful as much as annoying.
It is Friday and I am happy. I am going to try to make it to acupuncture, try to do the baby dance,pay some bills aggressively, go dancing and do my taxes.
I am trying to accomplish a lot this weekend. Hopefully I am successful. I did scratch several of my lottery tickets. I won 30 bucks. Of course I reinvested Got to play to win.