My beta went to a 3. Clearly not pregnant. This is new-found devastation I haven’t experienced before. I also had to report my finding to many people hoping a praying for a positive result.
She said she doesn’t know if was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I doubt it was the trigger shot. I was pregnant for a few days. WOW this is so hard. I want to scream, cry, just have a moment. Well I am at work and can’t leave.
I have made some decisions and started getting ready for Thursday. Yes Thursday is when I start this again. I called in my prescription for Letrozole. I picked out a new sperm donor. My two major components past pregnancies and CMV negative.
I am planning my melt down for after five pm. I know how the hell can you do that. I don’t know I am working on it minute by minute. I am trying not to cry in this office. I don’t know if I can stop if I start.
I am feeling like such a loser. I know I am not. But can’t help the feelings. NO man, No marriage, No kids. Not in a good place. I need to have a moment. I can’t wait until five pm. I am running out of here. I am going to try to make it home and get my moment.
This is a new type of torture I am not used to. I need to look on the positives. I will do that tomorrow. I need a moment. I don’t need to feel bad because other people have cancer blah, blah. I need my moment. I don’t want to talk to many people. I don’t want to explain anything. I had so many people in my corner they are waiting for good news. I don’t think I will be returning calls for a while. I need my moment. I don’t want to hear any rationals of this and how I should feel blah blah. I need a DAMN MOMENT!!!!
This weekend was so hard for me. I had a complete melt down Saturday morning. I went off on my family. We worked it all out later. I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t a few tears it was that nasty sobbing snooty nose cry.
I was no good this weekend. The pregnancy test were saying negative. I stopped the pregnancy test. I took my blood test this morning. I will find out tomorrow. I haven’t gotten my period yet. I am four days past my period. You never know. I am trying to stay positive. THIS SHIT IS SO HARD!!!!
I took my blood test on Thursday Waiting for the answer today. I have had more crazy moments with a bunch of pregnancy test.
The social worker calls me. How are you doing she ask. Crazy I stated. I understand and I have something to tell you. Okay, I am waiting for a yes or no. She says, I have only had to make this kind of call three times last year. You are the first in 2013. OH SHIT!!! I am thinking what the hell is this about.
Your test was intermittent What the hell does that mean. Well your levels are there they are low. We need to test again on Monday.
I know my blood test is today. I still have the band-aid on. Last night I went crazy. I was pretty calm during the two week wait. Well that all fell apart last night. I had a first response in my house. I had this test for a long time, not sure why. I took it and got a faint double line. I would post it but I couldn’t get the picture to come out. Then I immediately went online. Found a site that stated any line is a positive. Or it could be to early or the test expired. I looked at the back of the box 2/2013. Now my face was hitting the floor. I put on some sweats and a tee shirt and was off to Walmart. It was 9pm and I didn’t care. I ended up buying four test. Clearly I didn’t do any research. One negative from EPT. Come to find out isn’t that sensitive. Another faint line First response.
Then the site mentioned taking them again on the first morning urine. I did and of course it wouldn’t be my life if anything was easy. The line was even fainter. I don’t even know if fainter is a word. But I am sure you understand what I am trying to say.
Then after some research I found out the dollar tree test is very sensitive. I spent all this damn money and could have gotten a test for dollar. I was feeling very stupid at that point. Thought Dollar Tree was not open during my moment of craziness.
I went to take my blood test this morning. They said I will know in a day or two. Or they freaking mad. I will be dying in two days. I am barely making it now. So of course I went to Dollar Tree on my lunch break. I got three test, because one was just not enough.
I am going to take them when I get home. God please make this happen!!!
I have issues. I know I was not supposed to pee on a stick. I heard when the doctor told me not to. Did I listen. Of course not. I have taken three home pregnancy test. I have gotten a negative each time. The last being this morning. My sad face went to work. My blood test is tomorrow. I know that will tell me the real deal. She also said the trigger shot would give me a false positive. It did not I got a negative.
I don’t want to spend anymore money. I have everyone I can think of praying for me. I want it to happen so bad. I know I been having symptoms. If I am not pregnant I have no idea why my body is acting in such a way. I have been having these little pains in my belly area. My nipples have been so hard at times they can cut glass. My boobs have been very sensitive. I finally get to the two-week wait, and I am not doing well. I want to know the answer on Friday. Then I don’t want to know if it is a negative.
Here is where I have to be a big girl again. Being a grown up sucks!!!
Still in the two week wait. My friend asked me about my phantom symptoms If I am not pregnant I would be shocked. Not just because I want it so bad. My boobs have been tingling. I felt something in my lower region. Not what I would call menstrual pains. I am not a doctor.
I know I need to stay offline. Every symptom I am looking on-line to see if it is an early sign of pregnancy. I driving myself crazy. My father and I finally had a great discussion concerning me having babies. He admitted he told his friends I was trying to get pregnant. He is not allowed to say anything to the family. I am not really close to his side. I have one cousin I talk to. I already told her my plan. I don’t care if they know, but they don’t need to know.
My father telling his friends was the first glimpse that he has been hearing what I been saying. I had a feeling he was ignoring me.
I joined my food program again. My sponcer called me last night. We had a long talk and, I been fat and miserable. So when I get the news I want on Friday we will adjust my food plan for pregnancy.
How do I learn patients. I wish I had a crystal ball. I want to know that I am pregnant right now. I am experiencing issues. My yogurt tasted horrible today. I eat yogurt pretty much every day. I thought that was a sign. I been very tired for the past two mornings. I am going to bed at my usual time. I never liked getting up in the morning. I still have never been tired for no reason. I thought that was a sign.
Then someone rained on my parade and said you wouldn’t know that early. Also being tired could be from the progesterone I have been taking everyday. I read many blogs about the two-week wait torture. I thought then it couldn’t be that bad. It really is that bad!!
The two-week wait is torture The expenses are totaling up. I am trying not to worry about them. I hate being in debt. I had a few pains in my breast. I hope that means what I want it to mean.
I am at work, having a hard time concentrating. I actually talked to my father again about my insemination. He said he wished me luck. I still think he would rather I got left by some man. Then do this process.
I read the single mother by choice forum. I have to say I am a little jealous. Not all but some have high-powered jobs. I know I wasn’t ambitious in pursuing employment. I just wanted my bills paid. I do alright but I wouldn’t call it high-powered.
It is funny a lot of women put their career on hold for children. I have to say I wasn’t one of those people. I always felt I had a job not a career. It is a career but since I don’t enjoy it, I feel it is a job. To keep food on the table and roof over my head. I am appreciative for my job. I don’t have much baby thoughts today. All to say I am praying for good news!!!
Second insemination went smoothly. Five follicles have released I was laying there thinking HELL YES!! It sounded like good news. My doctor is very dry. She even had a great tone to her voice. She did say if this didn’t work, she wouldn’t change the protocol at all.
The social worker and I talked after my 15 min of laying there. I told her I was excited by the number of follicles. She said it is a good sign. How good are they and will they create a baby is the big question.
The cervical cap came out easily last night. She placed another one in today. I wanted to go to my acupuncturist today. I will be there tomorrow. The last time I was there she said they got robbed. When she left late at night. So I decided against going because I wouldn’t get there until late. I don’t want to put myself or my acupuncturist in danger. Her husband is out of the country for a while.
The social worker said try not to worry about it. If I can pull that off I need to write a book. I am going to assume right at this moment I am pregnant with my twin girls. Here is to the Law of Attraction!!!