My beta went to a 3. Clearly not pregnant. This is new-found devastation I haven’t experienced before. I also had to report my finding to many people hoping a praying for a positive result.
She said she doesn’t know if was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I doubt it was the trigger shot. I was pregnant for a few days. WOW this is so hard. I want to scream, cry, just have a moment. Well I am at work and can’t leave.
I have made some decisions and started getting ready for Thursday. Yes Thursday is when I start this again. I called in my prescription for Letrozole. I picked out a new sperm donor. My two major components past pregnancies and CMV negative.
I am planning my melt down for after five pm. I know how the hell can you do that. I don’t know I am working on it minute by minute. I am trying not to cry in this office. I don’t know if I can stop if I start.
I am feeling like such a loser. I know I am not. But can’t help the feelings. NO man, No marriage, No kids. Not in a good place. I need to have a moment. I can’t wait until five pm. I am running out of here. I am going to try to make it home and get my moment.
This is a new type of torture I am not used to. I need to look on the positives. I will do that tomorrow. I need a moment. I don’t need to feel bad because other people have cancer blah, blah. I need my moment. I don’t want to talk to many people. I don’t want to explain anything. I had so many people in my corner they are waiting for good news. I don’t think I will be returning calls for a while. I need my moment. I don’t want to hear any rationals of this and how I should feel blah blah. I need a DAMN MOMENT!!!!