Baby Project #31

It is funny how things come full circle. I have another appointment with a gynecologist. I need to get my STD screening again. I am also going to work on getting a prescription of clomid. I know I wasn’t successful the last time. They wanted me to take tests. I took the test and  now I want the prescription. I am really paying for not having a regular Gyno. Everyone gets this prescription with ease. I am the one who gets all the trouble.

My known donor is very handsome. He also has green eyes. I have to say I like that.

How about my mom and aunt are all on board to. They have really shown themselves supportive. They both said when I started this process and explained the expense. Can you just find someone to have sex with. My high and might self was against. Well I did try with the pain in the ass ex. Which I did talk to him, and we decided against it. He wants to be a father. I am moving to Boston and do not want to deal with the drama of someone wanting me to stay in GA.

 

Baby Project #30

I am not pregnant. I knew I wasn’t when I got my period this morning. I was supposed to come back in to get ready for another IUI. I called it all off. I need a break.

The financial part of this is stressing me out. So the social worker was great about it. Said if I wanted to I could come back. Well the doctor called me back and said no she does not think it is a good idea I come back. She was nice about it explained her side of things. She thinks my next step should be IVF. I cannot afford IVF at this point and also do not have the insurance for it.

My next step is a known donor. I know I am going backwards. People start with a known donor first.  The appointments of the process didn’t bother me. It was tossing up another 2500 bucks.

I went to the Known Donor Registry.  I saw a guy I met online years ago. I never met him in person. Funny how small the world is. I was a little put off by the doctor. Telling me not to come back.

I still was calling it quits. It seemed that she thought I was an emotional wreck that couldn’t go on. No I didn’t want to spend money I did not have. The amount I owe right now is on a credit card. I don’t like that shit. She said she understood. Oh well moving on in my world.

How does a regular person by themselves afford this? I have a good job. Not a six figure job, but a good one. I feel punished for following the rules.  She also gave me a lecture about known donors also. Either way I am an adult. Even with my old eggs. I have to make decisions that work for me.

Pregnancy Test

I take my blood test tomorrow and find out on Thursday. I took an early First Response this morning and got a negative. I was upset.  Last time I got a light positive around this time. I know it is too early. That blood test could say anything.

We all know what I want it to say. I have to say I wanted a lot of different things over the years. I want this so bad I don’t what to do!!

Memorial Day Weekend

I have to say my party days are over. I was asked to go a few places this weekend. I wasn’t really that interested. I am such an introvert. I really need to change that when my children get here. I don’t want them to be a shut in like me.  I will have to push beyond my personality traits and show them the world.

Do I have my twins in my belly. I am praying and hoping. I am long-suffering for my desire for children to be fulfilled. More than a I ever desired a man. If you would have met me years ago. I didn’t desire to be married.

My desire for a husband didn’t come to me until late in life. I was about 28 when I seriously considered being married. Before then I was marriage adverse. It wasn’t age that made me want a man’s last name. It was not being alone. Wanting my own family. Most of my friends had found their husband. I really should have paid attention to time passing. I have to say I was ignorant to my youth slipping away. I feel I made a mistake not moving to Boston. I do miss my family. No matter how crazy they are. They all expressed wanting me home in their own way. If money fell into my lap at this very moment. I would pack up and move in a matter of weeks.

I was almost on my way. I am in Georgia for a reason. I hope the reason is for my dreams to come true. I find out in a few days what my fate entails.

 

Baby Project #29

My stomach has been upset for several days. I have no idea if I should be excited or not. I left work a little early today. I wasn’t feel great.

I forgot to take my progesterone this morning. I am supposed to put it up my Vijay twice a day.  I put on the pad so it doesn’t ruin my underwear. I put on the pad and forgot to put in the progesterone. I wonder where my head was at this morning.

I am addicted to Dr. Phil show. I usually watch this show on YouTube. Also the OWN network has it on for several hours some days. To me it is so funny. He gets paid big bucks to say the obvious.

I really like he isn’t nice about his obvious advise. It also makes me think I need to be on point with my future children. I am excited about the long weekend. But it is getting closer to finding out the baby answer. Which is scaring the shit out of me,  to find out the answer to the two-week wait question.

Baby Project #28

I don’t feel well. I know it could be all progesterone related. My stomach is way off.  I don’t know what it is. I am trying not to get overly excited. My claim to fame last time. Yes the progesterone I took gave me symptoms. I was pregnant. It didn’t stick but I was.

When I was showing my doctor the acupuncturist pills she wanted me to take. She asked me why she gave me these. I told her to make it stick this time. She said she couldn’t truly confirm I was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I know it wasn’t. She doesn’t have to confirm.

I been unbelievable tired also. I took an hour nap in my car during lunch. It so didn’t help. It made it worse. I had to get some coffee to make it through the day.

I have been working on my projects. I started writing a Sci-Fi book. I actually have two stories. One people like more than the other one. A friend of mind said my mid is always working on something. She is right. I just need to finish the stuff I create in my mind. I have the big issues of procrastinating and not finishing things.

I put my dreams and aspirations on my vision board. I am looking at it every night for at least five minutes  Trying to be obiediant. It is so hard for me to be consistent. This is a big step for me.

My clothes are tight. I don’t know if it is from poor diet (probably) or fertility drugs. I know I am not comfortable. I am working on it day by day. When I get the positive I will be gaining weight and need to accept it. I don’t think I have a problems with pregnancy weight. At least that for a reason. Not just stuffing your face with crap.

How this started!!

I was talking to my mom years ago. I am so bad with dates and they all seem to run into each other. Lets just say years ago. She told me about the movie and book The Secret. She saw it on Oprah  She was really into. I totally brushed it off. I am not a big fan of Oprah. Long story.

Years past and I meet this guy online  We had a great date. I wasn’t attracted to him and wanted to be friends. I really thought that wasn’t going to happen because it sounded like rejection. To my surprise he agreed. He told me I had a lot of positive energy. I thought this man was totally nuts. Then he brought up the movie The Secret.

He told me that book was the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot more to learn. I had the energy to make great things happen. He invited me over to his house. We were now friends and he seemed cool.

He gave me a book. I was shocked, he met me once and ordered a book for me. 51cX2MApMFL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_I started reading it. Actually studying it. He told me not to read it like a novel. So I was reading it with my notebook and pen. I was intrigued. I also realized how many negative thoughts go through my head in a day. I was astounded on how negative I really was. I decided to work on it. If I thought of something negative I would counter it with a positive thought. I was getting pretty good. Also me and the guy would talk and he began to guide me. Things seemed to flow in my life. It seemed to happen all of a sudden. I couldn’t believe circumstance after circumstance just worked my way.

The guy and I fell out of contact. I felt he was getting to intense for me. Now thinking back it was me not him. I didn’t want to do the work anymore. I regret letting that relationship go. When he gave me the book, that week I went to a neighbor’s house.

My cable had went out and I wanted to borrow some movies. I was going through all his movies and THE SECRET was in his collection. I was in shocked. I asked him why he has the movie. He said it was for his mom. I immediately borrowed it, thinking this was not a coincidence this was meant for me to see.download

Reading the book first and then watching The Secret I could see what this guy was saying. The movie gives you an overview. The book actually lays it out for you.

Of course even after all the good things were happening, I got lazy and totally fell off.  Why do I let go of things that totally bring me good. I have no answer!!

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Then I was talking to a friend and she mentioned a book a friend gave to her.

It was similar principles that was in the book about the laws of attraction I read years before. It also came with a CD so I didn’t have to read it. I could just listen. How great wast that. It feed right into my laziness. I started listening to the CD as soon as it came from Amazon. I was so into it I got a lot of people on board. My mother my aunt, cousin, and anyone else who would listen to my new crazy obsession.

Of course again I fell off. The funny thing is my mother did not. She will quote things to me from the book.

Now the Hypnotherapist and I had an intense conversation about my working with the law. She told me to pick it back up. She gave me a CD that she produced for her clients to listen to for stress reduction.

Me being me, I had to find more. I found several Hypnosis video’s on YouTube  This one is my favorite. .

Okay to show how even more of a freak I am. I thought what could be more convincing then my own voice. I started making my own hypnosis video. I know I am in the special people club.

So hopefully that answers my readers questions. Thank you for the question by the way.  I think all this was worth a blog!!

Sunday Thoughts!!

I slept so much today. I really believe it has to do with the progesterone I started taking again. I went to bed at 11pm and didn’t really join the land of the living until 12pm today.

A lot has gone on with me. I am working on being positive. I created my vision board this weekend.

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I am creating what I desire in a husband also. The hypnotherapist told me to put it on the fridge. I will give anything a try. I been listening to my  CD to lower the stress. I been falling a sleep to it every night.

I decided I give no one the benefit of the doubt anymore. In my quest to be fair it has led me to keep people in my life that I shouldn’t. My ex called me and asked if we could be friends. I told him he doesn’t deserve my friendship. He asked if I still love him. I told him yes I wasn’t going to lie about that. Then he stated in his try to make feel guilty voice. If you never want me to call you again I will. I said that I can say yes to. I never want you to call me again. You are not good for me in any way. I also have let a few friends go also. There was no fight about it. I am just done. I am not going to explain to anyone why I should be treated a certain way. Another friend said I should explain. I told her when a man leaves he doesn’t give an explanation. My mother told me years ago you owe no one an explanation for your choices in life. I totally agree. I am not picking up the phone and moving the hell on. If you are not for me you are against me. I don’t want anymore negative people in my life period.

I am in the beginning of my two-week wait. I am trying not to stress. I am taking the herbs by my acupuncturist. I am listening to my CD to lower stress. I made my vision board with my prayers to my twins. I am working on doing the next right thing. All prayers are appreciated and wanted!!!

Baby Project #27

OB/GYN appointment has been made. Now I am waiting for my positive results to actually confirm the appointment.

I decided to find a OB by my job. I will change the appointment when I am several weeks in. My Gyno now said my pregnancy will be high risk from the start. The moment she lets me go she wants me to have an OB ready for me to see. I love that her plans are so optimistic.   I am looking forward towards the weekend. I was off two days this week for my insemination  I didn’t get to sleep late which sucks!!

I was working on my vision board last night. Almost all the things have been printed and cut out. Now it is time to glue and post to my poster board. I want to brain storm again and see if I am missing anything.

I realize that I have less things I need to put on my vision board than before. Less things on the board shows progress to me. I have several books I need to read. I am going to work on that!!! I decided to take a writing class also. It is an online class. I need to start working on my dreams. I actually have more dreams than motherhood. I have to get started!!

I bought another SMC choice friend a baby showers present. It was the best baby shower gifts I ever bought. Not because of the amount or the actual gifts. It was a gift to a person like me. Someone who is where I want to go. I was going to buy one thing but ended up buying two things. They were not on her registry. I know some folks have issues with that, but I think she will love them. I try to buy gifts I feel people will use. I hope she likes it 🙂

Brica Baby In-Sight Auto Mirror, Magical Firefly and the Munchkin Nursery Projector & Sound System

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Baby Project #26

Today was my second insemination. I have been on a good plain. I had four follicles that did release by the second insemination. The doctor seemed confident which is a great feat for this doctor. She has never been overly optimistic.

1) She told me to get an OBGYN and make an appointment for 10 weeks. (Just in Case)

2) She is willing to do forth insemination instead of three. Granted I don’t know if I can afford four. But the fact that she is optimistic of achieving pregnancy makes me happy.

3) She wants to try Clomid if I want to do Three insemination. If I want to do four then she will do the letrozole for the third do to my good response.

All these this things are optimistic conversation.

I took her suggestion and went to the hypnotherapy which I really enjoyed the appointment. If I could afford it, I would go once a week. I can’t afford that at all. 🙂 The appointment was positive. I loved that she listen to me. She would say babies because she knows I want twins. She also got me started on my Laws of Attraction mission I was on.

She had a plaque on her desk that said IF YOU CAN DREAM IT YOU CAN HAVE IT!!! I am ready for my dreams to come true.

Doctor dude dropped out of sight again. Which I am a little pissed about. I agreed to go to this bridal shower to meet his ass. Well My aunt bought the ticket and I will try to enjoy myself regardless.

The ex contacted me again. I swear I know this man so well. I asked him what the hell does he want from me? He claims nothing. I told him that is a lie or he could finally cut ties and not get in contact with me again.

He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore. I told him I couldn’t say that because I am not an untruth. Then he said do I want him never to contact me again. Now that I can say yes. You are no good for me. Then he asked if we could be a friend. I told him he doesn’t deserve my friendship. Which all I been through with him, he isn’t any kind of friend.

I was a little upset with the conversation. I didn’t let it linger, and moved on to I am living my dreams. I am working on my vision board again. I am working on my life and what I can dream I can have. That is a new lease on life.