My depression came to a head on Sunday. I slept all day. I didn’t get out of bed until 3pm. I decided at 3pm I am not going to do this anymore. I go up, cleaned the house and left to get a cup of coffee. I didn’t really need the coffee. I needed to get out of the house.
I couldn’t sleep last night. Which wasn’t a shocker since I slept all damn day. I started watching YouTube. Looking into other people lives. A commercial for a new series Blue came up. A friend told me about it last week. When I saw the commercial, I thought why not. I got addicted very quickly and was up to 1am watching what happens next.
It was a great distraction, Granted I really should have been sleeping. I am suffering for it now. I want to fall asleep on my desk. I don’t feel as bad as yesterday. I want to be optimistic. Wants and desire or not always reality. Sometimes when I talk to people I know what they are said in valid. I just don’t have the mental tools to make it happen. I wish I could stop feeling this way. I wish I could accept whatever comes down the road.
I want this so badly and I trying to prepare myself if it doesn’t happen. I don’t have an infinite amount of money to keep this going. I am not going to put myself in debt that I can’t pay back. Life isn’t easy and not always fair. I hate that I usually have to learn things the hard way!!!