Freaking out!!

I have been taking these home pregnancy test. I took another first response and got a negative.  My fears have come true. This is what I have been scared of!! I have six positive test. Three negatives and I feel like my period might be coming. I am so sad. I need a confirmation one way or another. I haven’t seen my period yet but my sad face is on today.

I am going to wait and see if my period will show up soon. I swear all this positive and negative sucks big time!!!

 

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Baby Project #42

Yes my crazy ass is still taking pregnancy test. This time I got the equate version of first response. I got a negative. I was horrified. The only thing keeping me is sane is I should have started my period two days ago. No Aunt flo in sight. I bought a new bra and my boobs thanked me so much today. Gaining weight sucks in a big way. No I am not talking about pregnancy weight. That is only going on three weeks.

Just the random eating to damn much and not exercising kind of weight.  I have to find a dress for a wedding. I hate shopping. I hate shopping even more when I am not happy with my weight. I need to find this dress soon. I have about a month and a half.

I am also ridiculously tired. I have been drinking decaf coffee. One cup of regular coffee a day. My body is hating me for it. I know caffeine is a drug. It is a drug I miss big time. I have no real complaints today. I am just praying and keeping hope alive that everything works out with this pregnancy!!!

Baby Project #41

I been having Decaf coffee today. My eyes can barely stay open. I am having some issues. I came home and had a rash on my face. I have no idea where it came from. I am going to pick up some benadryl on my way home. I am clearly allergic to something. I wouldn’t care if it was anywhere else on my body. My face is too much. My make up did a great job of covering it. Thank you GOD!!!

I have been very nervous. I want this baby to stick. I want it to be twins. I know I have to give it all over. NOT worry about it. That is easier said than done.

I took another first response this morning. It didn’t look darker. The line was still there. Granted I would have started my period today. It is not here and I am still stressed. I believe the stress will not subside until I give birth!!

I am trying to stay in the day and not project!! Clearly this was meant to be.

 

16DPO (BFP)

I started taking the progesterone. I decided as soon as I received a positive test I was going to use up my prescription. My friend called it baby sticking glue. She had progesterone shots through her whole pregnancy. She had miscarriages in the past. Now she has a beautiful baby girl!!!

The problem with progesterone is my symptoms are out of control. I am so damn tired. I fell asleep in my car at lunch. I know I had to go back to work. I had to take ten more minutes. I had no energy.

I know I need to give up coffee. It is so hard to do. I will make it happen but it will be a painful experience.

When I was working with the reproductive center. They said one cup a day. I never followed that rule. I tried and tried. Now that the bun is in the oven I have to do it.

I went on an OBGYN search yesterday. It was so damn difficult. There are some baby hospitals in the Atlanta area. Northside hospital and Dekalb medical are the major ones. I wanted a doctor affiliated with Gwinnett Medical. I live in Gwinnett now. Being a single mother by choice I don’t want a hospital 40 min or more away. When there is one 5-10 mins away. After an hour and a half I found a doctor that uses that hospital. So I guess the first step is to confirm the pregnancy.

I told the woman I didn’t know what I was doing. She still wasn’t helpful. I had to pull all the information out of her. July 10th is my appointment to confirm the pregnancy. Then the end of July early August I will have an actual OBGYN appointment.

I am still taking pregnancy test. I want that line to get as dark as the test line.  Praying for all to be great and perfect!!!

Baby Project #40

testI was trying to make it to Sunday morning. My crazy person held up until Saturday evening. Still not first morning pee, but I had to test. I was at Walmart at 9pm buying more test.

Well the line was darker on Saturday night. Then I tested again at 5am Sunday morning. I didn’t mean to get up that early. My bladder forced me to. The line was even darker. I had to be very creative for the camera to show the second line. I am happy and nervous. This is what happened last time. I got the double line then it went away. Well I will be testing probably every other day for a while. Looking for that second line to get as dark at the test line. My friend said my known donor must have some super sperm. I am scared as hell!!! God is it possible?? Are you giving me all I desire??

Baby Project #39

The ex has been keeping in touch this week. Not sure what is up with that. I called him today and asked if he wanted to see Superman. We went to get something to eat first. He was near my location so I couldn’t go home and eat my food I had planned out. While we are standing in the restaurant, waiting to be seated I got this quick nausea. I was sick to my stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything. I ate my meal and was feeling even worse. I gave him the excuse we shouldn’t see Super Man. I heard from two people it wasn’t a good movie. Which is true, but I still wanted to see it. He asked me what was wrong why was I sick. I told him I don’t know. I did have an idea.

When I got home I took a first response pregnancy test. While I was waiting I was talking to one of my most supportive friends. I swear I saw a very very very faint line. I stared it for hours. I do mean hours. I put it in the trash and then kept picking it up to looking at it. Could it be!!! I am going to re test in a few days. Sunday morning is probably the longest I can wait.

After seeing a faint double line and being very disappointed before, I am trying not to be too excited. I can’t help it I am excited!!! I will keep you posted. You have to know I am going to look at that test a hundred more times before I go to sleep!!!

 

Baby Project #38

Jerry springer logos

 

Nothing to report. I am still waiting to test. I am going to take my first test tomorrow morning. It will be two weeks from the happy face. I need to know if I am truly having symptom. Or is my mind play tricks on me.

 

A co-worker told me I should put some make up on and go to the sports bar. I told him I don’t drink or like sports. Why everyone feels I need a man??

 

If you follow my blog you will remember the past co-worker, I was talking to in a dating manner. We actually never went anywhere. We talked on the phone for a week before the shit hit the fan.

 

Another co-worker (a very trashy one) said that she was dating this guy. I don’t know if I believed they were dating. I did believe there was something going on. I confronted this guy, stating my life cannot be an episode of Jerry Springer. He was very cavalier about it and then did not speak to me for two years. I was pissed and ignored his ass also. He did apologize for his actions in so many word (TWO YEARS LATER). Swearing he didn’t date her.

 

He no longer works at my job. The reason for this story. His friend informed me that he didn’t date the girl. She just serviced him in the work parking lot and he dismissed her. Wow such an asshole. I am glad I dodged that bullet.

 

God spared me from that foolishness. I also think using a her as his personal hook up and then getting rid of her makes him a jerk. The girl clearly had issues and really like him. He just used her. I feel sorry for her because men can be so cruel!!. They know when a woman has low self-esteem. They use their weakness against them and throw them out with the trash. What goes around comes around. I am sure he will get it back ten fold!!

 

Baby Project #37

This two-week wait is so different from the others. I don’t have the paper to go to Quest Diagnostics. Waiting on pens and needles to hear a positive. Yes I have been looking online for the most sensitive pregnancy test. So I can test on my own.

I have come to my conclusion I need to be patient and just wait. I will buy a first response next week. Waiting with batted breath for a success story.  My early signs that I might be, or just going crazy.

1) My eye is twitching I have no idea if this is a pregnancy sign. When I got the positive the last time my eye was doing the same thing.

2) Sleep- I took a two-hour nap on Saturday and still went to bed early.

3) Stomach- feeling upset with my morning coffee

4)Twinges- I am feeling these twinges is the only way to describe in my uterus area.

5)Burping

I know all this could be real or me being dramatic. I am praying for the double line. I purposely did not take any progesterone. I still have the prescription. I don’t want to be upset with progesterone symptoms. When I get the positive test I will take the them.

Keeping hope alive everyday.

 

TGIF

I couldn’t wait until five pm today. I was so mentally done with work. I have been eating again. I swear I need to stop. I been feeling twinges and my nipples have been hard. I don’t want to get to excited.

I do have a date with someone I met online. Something doesn’t feel right about this guy. We will see how it goes. I am not optimistic. I have been looking online for a sensitive pregnancy test. I know I should wait but patience is not my biggest strong suit. The work week has been stressful because I been disinterested in work.

I cried to a friend about my desire for babies. I feel so cursed sometimes. I know it irrational and I am very blessed. I want this more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I took a deep tour through my life. I haven’t had a desire and want so deep. It is hard to explain the need for motherhood. The switched was flipped and I am ready to open that door.

I am going to work on being positive and stop all my negative behaviors.

Baby Project #36

I have been feeling twinges. That is the best way to describe it. I am only 5DPO. So it should be too early to tell if anything is happening. I am not taking the progesterone. I still have a prescription. When I get a positive pregnancy test I will begin taking it again.

The twinges are similar to how I felt when I got the positive pregnancy test. I am not getting overly excited. Maybe a little excited. I am trying to figure out an early pregnancy test to buy.

I am not going to do that clomid challenge. I decided that more information will not change my program. The only information I want is positive information. All the test in the world will not predict what will happen. The doctor even said that. So I do not need anymore claims going to my sucky insurance.

My weight is still high and I am having a hard time not eating over stressful things.  I want to be back in my size eight’s. Even with that being my desire it isn’t the first thing I am focusing on these days.

I am regretting not moving back to Boston when I had the chance. I know it is too late to cry over spilled milk. I love my job. My boss is great no stress. I miss my family and would like to be in the place I desire to be for a while. Now I created this debt, which I am not happy about. I want to find a part-time job. I make good money, but I want to pay it off faster.

I am going to really look for a job this weekend. An extra hundred to hundred and fifty bucks a week would make a big difference in my world. One of my goals is to be debt free. Here is to working on goals!!!