Still no Aunt Flow!!!

I have a feeling her ass is showing up. I have a few cramps which I pray are pregnancy symptoms. I have a pad on to have basis covered. With all this trying to have a baby I have no idea when her ass will get here. I always try to be prepared at work. I am self-conscious of those kind of accidents.

So I had a therapist appointment yesterday. I asked her if it was crazy to date during this TTC process. She said not at all. I was shocked. I know the world is changing. It just hard for me to wrap my head around a man being interested knowing you are trying to get knocked up by someone else. I always felt they were territorial. Who know? I know I don’t. Life is stranger than fiction.

She also told me I need to get out of my comfort zone. My aunt and my ex roommate informed me, I have no idea when men are looking at me. My ex roommate said I walk around like I am married with kids and have no interested in no one else. Which is so far from my true feelings. I just don’t see myself as that attractive. I know men find me attractive, but I don’t see it. Especially when I gain weight.

Hey I know most women have self-esteem issues. Mine is about my looks and confidence.

Yesterday I am in friends cube. I would say co-worker but we really don’t work together. He is the gay guy at work. It is fun to have a gay guy friend. I know this is so stereo typical. He is not the stereo typical gay guy. He is not the high maintenance type. He is a lot of fun and says outlandish things. So I am hanging out in his cube chit chatting. My work crush was in the cube over. He is about 6’1, and I saw him look over at me. Then when he was walking by my friend engaged him in some work conversation. We are all in the cube, my friend in his chair. Me leaning on the desk and work crush standing by the entrance. This is the longest conversation I ever heard this man have. He is another person where I work that I barely have contact with. He is so country.  He has that southern drawl. I have to say it was a big turn on. So I am staring at him as he is speaking. Even thought the conversation has nothing to do with me. So he takes a look at me our eyes meet and he turned away and seemed a little embarrassed. So they finished and he walked away.

Immediately my friend, DID YOU SEE THAT. He saw the look also. Now of course we are trying to interrupt what that means.

Okay I had to bring this up in therapy. She said I should go for it. After the look I surely thought about it more. So me and the friend and ex roommate who use to work here came up with a plan to make that happen. Let him know I am interested by way of my work friend. All this seems so high school in away. I never see this man unless we are in the break-room usually with others. I have no reason to talk to him work wise. He is service so he is out of office most of the day. Also I will be straight embarrassed if I did it myself and he gives me the hell no look. I will roll up and die.

So here is to possibilities. You make plans and god laughs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

14DPO (I am not smiling!!!)

I was reluctant to test this morning. I knew enough time had passed. I didn’t want any bad news. Well I looked at that test in all kinds of light. It screamed at me, Negative. I know I still could be pregnant. I can’t scream fail until I see my period shows up.

This process is some new kind of torture. I emailed Mr. Known Donor and he is still willing. I feel like I always need to check with him. I don’t want him to flake out on me. I am going out-of-town for a wedding next month. I pray it doesn’t interfere with my insemination dates. I have no idea if or when my period will show up. So I can’t calculate for the days I am going out-of-town.

I have one more first response I am going to test again in a few days. I am going to try to wait until the end of the week. I could be surprised.

I have another therapist appointment tonight. I am going to ask her about these coping skills. I need a few of them now.

 

Life Stuff!!

Second therapist appointment went well. She confirmed a few things in my world. It is nice to hear an opinion that has no reason to pick one side or the others.

A while back I was working on making my own hypnotherapy CD‘s. I started the project, never finished as usual. I also wonder if I was being a bit crazy. I was thinking who else could convince me better than my own voice.

Well according to my therapist that is not crazy at all. Also others do make their own hypnotherapy CD’s. I don’t know why not being the only one makes you feel good.

I don’t want to be the only freak that feels a need to record my voice to talk to myself.

I am going to work on completing this project by this weekend. My voice doesn’t sound the same recorded as it sounds in my head. It is kind of freaky.

I need to have more follow through in my life. What is funny is she pointed out I follow through with a lot of things in my life. Baby making project being first on the list. I told her it was my obsession. I don’t know if she was buying me using such a strong word to describe my actions. My do we criticize ourselves ten times worse than anyone else could. I guess that is the million dollar question. I need to find the million dollar answer to that question??

 

Sanity Project #1

Therapist appointment went better than expected. She talked not just listen. I loved that. She read me like a book. Sounds like she knows what she is doing.

What did she deducted:

1) She doesn’t think I need to go on medication

2) I need to work on coping skills

3) Work on being my own best friend

4) Stop playing the negative tape in my head

5) Learn how to not internalize thing from childhood

6) Work on Liking\Loving myself

I thought myself damn she hit the nail on the head. I also like the being my own best friend. I never heard it put that way. I told her about the baby making and all it entails she didn’t blink hard. I am sure she has heard a lot in the four walls. She actually sounded like she respected my decisions. So I think I found my new therapist. I have to say I was nervous. I didn’t want to waste my time in any way. Not at the specialist co pay. My homework is to be aware of when I play the negative tape. Here is to sanity!!!

 

Baby Project #49

Second insemination yesterday complete. I was a little worried. He text me he was exhausted. I wanted to say I don’t give a shit, stick to the plan. I know that is ugly, but I can be honest on my blog. He did come through. I haven’t gotten any response from a possible new known donor. So I have to work with what I got for the moment. So now the waiting game is on. I know me and I will be crazy in a few weeks with the first response test. I can lie and say I won’t, but come on!!

I am going to the therapist today. I am a little nervous. She didn’t call to confirm my appointment. We will see if she shows up. I never had a medical appointment not confirmed the day before.

I need to work out my issues. I know everyone has issues, mine just seem a little too much these days. I am so freaking happy I found that damn happy face. I thought my ovulation went to shit.

I remember the doctor telling me she didn’t want me to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on the 10/11 day. She wanted it in there longer to grow.  I might have hit the jackpot. I didn’t get the happy face until the 14 day. So if there is any truth to her theory that might have helped out. I don’t know if the soy isoflavone helped also? I know I am going to keep taking it. I know I felt my ovulation this month. That never happens to me, so hopefully I am doing something right.

I am not sure if I should buy more ovulation predictor kits. I don’t want to be without if I need them next month. Also I need to know the cheap early pregnancy test. If anyone in the blogosphere knows where I can order online,  Please put a link in the comments. It would be much appreciated, because first response can get expensive. Especially with my constant testing.

I still can’t believe I had six positive pregnancy test last month to disappear. The good news is I can get pregnant. Now how do I do it and stay pregnant with a healthy child or children???

 

Baby Project #48

One insemination down. So I am going back today. He actually apologized again when I got there about standing me up on Sunday. I accepted his apology. There is something about getting an apology in person. Text message makes apologies seem worthless. I actually hate text message. It is the way people communicate these days.

 

I am feeling my ovaries doing something. Can’t really describe. I am keeping my figures crossed for success. The drive to his house is no joke. I am used to a long commute home every day from work. Now that I live closer I have become spoiled. I don’t like sitting in the car for long periods of time.

 

English: The Microsoft Kinect peripheral for t...

English: The Microsoft Kinect peripheral for the Xbox 360. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I have become obsessed. I want an Xbox 360 kinect with the dancing games. Here is the problem. I can slap my credit card down and purchase this at anytime. I actually can take the money out of savings. What is the hold up you ask? I bought a lot of things over the years, that sounded interesting and fun. Usually to work out. Which is the reason I want this, the workout games.

 

I am a lazy procrastinating mess. So that is why this has not been purchased. I don’t want to buy it and not use it. So I looked into to buying it used. These damn things are like Honda’s, they clearly don’t decrease in value much. I am also skeptical of buying something I can’t return.

 

So I am going to try my best to ignore my obsession. I have a treadmill in my house that barely gets used. Shame on me!!!

 

Baby Project #47

I went away to a bridal shower in Philly this weekend and gained weight. I am so pissed off with myself. I am giving up the latte’s that been giving me empty calories. I am going to follow my food plan this week and see what happens by next Monday.

Known donor stood me up yesterday. I have to say I was beyond annoyed. I called him when I got off the plane. He said he would be ready in a few hours because he was at his dad’s. Three, four, five hours later nothing. No response to my messages or text. He turning me into a stalker. I finally got my smiley face last night. Thank god it was still there this morning. He left me a text at 4am stating his cell phone died and he fell asleep.

I wanted to say, excuse me do I look like I am dating you. I don’t want any bullshit excuses. Which is exactly what that sounded like. So I don’t want to miss this month. I am going there tonight and hopefully tomorrow and look for a new known donor. Which sucks the big one. I was finally getting comfortable with him. Hopefully it takes and stays this month and I won’t have to worry about anyone. Here is to baby dust.

 

Missing Happy Face!!

Ovulation test

I still haven’t gotten my happy face. I am praying I see it when I get home from work. My last insemination is tonight then I am going out-of-town. I know live sperm last 48-72 hours. So hopefully I am covered. My body usually works very well. I wonder what the hell is throwing it off.

I wonder if being pregnant for a  week through it off?? Missing a day of the soy isoflavone??

I am trying to cover all bases. I had another insemination last night. I feel like a crazy fool. Thank god traffic wasn’t that bad. I got there in about 45 min.

I felt something twinge in my lower area today. I am not the person in-tune with my body. It could have been gas for all I know. I am supposed to have another insemination when I get back on Sunday also. I was thinking of bringing my ovulation predictor kit with me if I don’t see it today or tomorrow morning. I haven’t finished packing. I also heard it is raining in PA so I need to rethink my outfits. Which sucks because gaining weight limits my wardrobe in a big way. I can’t believe I been in my apartment six months. Time is flying and I need to decided what I am going to do when my lease is up.

Working on the baby first then I can think about something else. Trying to stay focused.

Baby Project #46

Sugar free!

Sugar free! (Photo credit: ladybugbkt)

First insemination complete. Yesterday traffic was hell. It took me an hour and ten minutes to get to his house. Then he was still 25 minutes late. It was just one of those days.

I am still not thrilled with going out-of-town. I have to suck it up. I have so much going on with me. My food has been great actually. Still haven’t given up the coffee. I love the taste with creamers. It isn’t the coffee that is my downfall. It is that damn creamers. That is where all the calories are. Also I go to the gas station Racetrack. They have a sugar free french vanilla cappuccino. I love that damn drink. The cashier know me. When they can they give it to me for free. This guy at work is jealous I get free coffee and he doesn’t. I told him I am cuter then he is. I doubt it has anything to do with my looks. I am friendly and talk to them.

I was told anything sugar-free has a lot of fat in it. Anything fat-free has a lot of sugar in it. Which is so true. If you ever look at sugar-free candy ex Russell Stover , says not a low-calorie snack. So staying away from sugar you can rack up many calories. You just can’t win on the diet front.

I got a light double line on my cheap ovulation kit this morning. Which usually means by tonight I should get the happy face on clear blue easy ovulation kit. I need to see that damn happy face!! Lord show me the face!!!

I am praying traffic is not that bad today. I decided to not use my GPS. It had me go through Atlanta because of the traffic on the highway. I think with the lights and crowded streets it took longer. Not that it mattered since I had to wait for his ass anyways. He is going to let me know when he is out of work, before I leave this time. I was also pissed at myself, I forgot one day of my soy isoflavone. It was during the fourth of July weekend. I was doing absolutely nothing special that day. I have no idea why I forgot. So we will see if it helps this month or not. Life is stranger than fiction, So who knows!!

Baby Project #45

I started testing for my surge today. I believe from my calculations I should get the happy face tomorrow or Thursday. I am supposed to inseminate for the next three days.

I have to say my donor has the worst communication skills ever. I could never ever date this man. He does show up in the end. I guess that is all I can ask for.

I started working on what I put in my mouth and exercise. It has been going pretty well. Except for the coffee.

I keep running into this woman. I met her at a meetup that a friend invited me to. She clearly lives near me. I ran into her four times. Yesterday walking around the park was the latest. I guess I been stand offish. I need to work on that. She asked if we could walk together. I have no problem with that. I told her this week was bad. Clearly insemination all week, and he lives 45min away. Next week when I get back from Philly should be great.

Hey I might be creating a new friend. That is usually how people enter my life, Randomly. Since she lives close maybe we can find some places to hang out in the area. I need to get my ass out the house!!!