I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed.  I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.

He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.

So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An  hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.

So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work.  They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.



Aunt Flow is here!!

No pregnancy this month. At least with this upcoming cycle I am not going anywhere. Known Donor and I have had a come to Jesus meeting. We will see if he continues to act right. I took yesterday off. I was mentally sick. I needed a break to just do nothing. Which is exactly what I did. I stayed in the bed to three pm. Then I got my ass up dusted myself off and rejoined the world. I think on a better note. I needed to be pitiful for a day.

When I got up I walked the park twice. I didn’t over eat yesterday. I had a hard time going to bed. Which figures after sleeping on and off for countless hours. I even did my Dance central 3 game on my XBOX. I am still keeping hope alive.

I have been lonely lately. I need to do more and meet people. I am back online. Yes what else is there to do at my age. I don’t want to join a bunch or random groups. Which is the usual answer from any non single person. I want one on one male attention. I find it hard to do while trying to make a baby with someone else. I am going to phrase my ad as looking for a friend to hang out with. Instead of I am looking for the love of my life. Which I have to say honestly at this moment I am not. Also I don’t have to tell them a damn thing. I think one of my major problems is I have a big mouth.

I am going to begin the soy isoflavone again today. 1-5 is to help achieve the pregnancy with old eggs. 5-9 is for multiples, 3-7 is a happy medium most women use. I am going for 1-5. Yes I would like multiples but if I have to get pregnant again it is what it is. It has succeeded in pushing my ovulation back. Which in my mind is a great thing. I am not sure if the cervical mucus is harming the sperm. I am going to look into doing something about that this month. I haven’t noticed an influx of it. Who knows, anything is worth a shot. I think I drink some Robitussin for a few days. I can do that. As you can see I am willing to try anything.

I just found this on a mommy website.

1-5 = you produce more eggs, and ovulate sooner, with a stronger ovulation.

2-6 = you produce more eggs that usual, but not as many as taking it 1-5. Eggs may be more mature, and ovulation will be slightly more strong than 1-5.

3-7 = The best of both worlds, a few more eggs, and all eggs will be strong & mature, and ovulation will be alot stronger than 1-5.

4-8 = No more eggs will be produced, but the ones already there, will be matured alot more than usual, and ovulation will be very strong. Ovulation may only be brought forward a teeny bit.

5-9 = You’ll have one very mature strong egg, from the ones you already produced on your own. Ovulation will either happen when it usually does, or a few days later, but your egg will be of great quality.

I might be going at this very wrong. I am going for 5-9 this month, or 4-8.


Where have I been!!

I am in a rut. That time out-of-town put me so off-key. I haven’t really been exercising. I swear I lose motivation like people lose their keys. I am going to force myself to go to the gym today.  I want to be married. I say that after attending two weddings. The last one everyone in the damn place was married. I thought, wow no single people come to weddings anymore. My aunt said the next wedding will be mine. I told her I doubt it. I am not that kind of girl. I will go to Vegas, or the justice of the peace. I am not a big fan of so much extra to get married. I don’t think I ever thought of having a wedding. I guess I am strange.

I know a few people who would love to see me get married. I would love to see myself get married also. I can’t predict the future you never know. I am not doing to well dating. I met this guy online of course. We had a great conversation one day. Then the next day he is sending my 1-900 text message. I was so disgusted.

So on the baby front. Which is my real focus at the moment. After I have my twins I will worry about a man in my life. I have no idea if I am pregnant. Haven’t been focused on it at all. Which hay they say that is when it happens. I am 9DPO ( nine days past ovulation).  I would buy a pregnancy test, but with my overly aggressively trying to pay of bills. My checking account is lower than I like to see it.

We all know when I buy one I end up buying many. I am just going to wait to see if my period shows up.

Vacation needed!!

I have actually cleaned parts of my house. I went to the grocery story. I swear I spend too much money in the grocery store. I know I over shop. I don’t know how to fix that. Well I decided I am making veggie soup. It will be low cal and help with my hot liquid fetish. I love hot liquids, like coffee, tea, hot cereal. It will be my first attempt at making soup. I also bought other things I have never cooked before and going to give it a try. Zucchini spaghetti and egg-plant. I am working on the healthy overhaul to my life. I begin tomorrow.  I will have time to prepare these things and start over with my couch to 5k.

The out-of-town trip messed me up big time. I am so tired. I create a project and just can’t let it go. I am making a video for my cousin wedding. From pictures and some video I took at the wedding. The video parts look crappy. I used my phone and small flip video camera. Which doesn’t take crisp video in the dark. They will appreciate it, and I can’t wait to see what they say when they see it.

I have a welcome party and a wedding to go to today and tomorrow. I am so tired I feel like I could sleep for days. No chance on that until Sunday maybe. I am going home, getting as pretty as possible. Granted I don’t like my shoes. I bought two new dresses for the occasion. Both under 20 bucks. Actually one was on clearance and I saw a little stain and she gave me another 20% off. Which totally works for me. No one is going to notice that little stain. Now the shoes is a whole another issues. I have big ass feet. A size 10 when I am skinny and a size 11 when I am not. So we are not in the not stage. I noticed the new fashion thing these days are the shoes. I have pretty much basic color shoes. I use to also make the mistake and buy cheap shoes allot. So I decided no more. I gave away most of my crappy cheap shoes and I have a bunch of black shoes.

I have never been a fashionista a day in my life. I did make the effort to look for some fancy shoes. NO LUCK AT ALL. Oh well it isn’t my wedding. Black shoes it is. I did make an effort which is so unlike me. My eyebrows need to be done. I might swing over to the mall after work to get them cleaned up. I am not trying to look like a wilder beast. I might check out a few more shoe places in the mall. I am a friend to the groom. He is my cousin friend and sold my house. I know he is going to have some cute single guys there. So I need to put my best foot forward. I could flirt at my cousin’s wedding but that was it. The rule of naught dating his friends, I do understand. Still sucks in my mind. I guess he is spearing me but still.

I miss dancing with my  Xbox. There are not enough hours in the day. After I finish this wedding video project. Which looks like it could be up to 30-40 min long. After seeing how the video turned out. When some money comes in my life. Not like I can’t put it on a credit card. I don’t want to do that. When some disposable money comes in my life. I am going to work on getting a better video camera and video editing software. Another gift to me. With paying things off aggressively buying those kinds of things don’t seem on the agenda.

I still have some lottery tickets to scratch. You never know. I could be telling you a whole different story next week!! Praying for a financial windfall.

I am tired!!!

I was up until 2am working on a wedding present for my cousin. It is a video of my own creation. With pictures from past and present of him and his wife. Also wedding pictures and video I took. I have no idea why I get on something and don’t let it go. I been up late for two days. I can barely keep my eyes open.

I am very upset with myself. Before I left I was doing great with the food and working out. I haven’t managed to muster any desire to get back on the wagon. I told myself I am going to start on Sunday. I was invited to another wedding. I hope there are some handsome single men there. Here is to keeping hope alive!!!

What has been UP!

Well four days in a hotel room with my mother was a bit much. I did have a great time at my cousin wedding. I was flirted with and enjoyed every minute. Granted there has been a hard rule since high school. I am not allowed to date any of his friends. I did make a hook up. Yes my lonely ass playing cupid with others lives. I think one will work out. I am not sure about the other.

So I have to say I was flabbergasted. At the bar one night where all the folks from college congregated. I was fat and awkward in college. My cousin on the hand was in his element. Well this tall sexy man, who everyone had a crush on in college. Was whining to the women he is 40 and wants a wife. I told him I would never thought in a million years that I would be having this conversation with him. Then the four women in this conversation deducted the reason he wasn’t in a relationship. He had all these ridiculous requirements.

Good times were had and I enjoyed seeing these people without being fat and feeling out-of-place. So this one particular guy. We went to college with him and his older brother. His older brother was the nerdy awkward guy. Which is actually my type. The younger brother is the suave, with crazy swagger who cold talk your drawers off in minutes type. I told him I liked his brother back in the day. Which I did and he liked me. What happened was he had tried to talk to four girls before me. They were all discussing it and I couldn’t bring myself to be the last one on the list. I was 18 in a new environment and didn’t want to be talked about.

I been talking to him on Facebook instant message. He is in Afghanistan working as a contractor. So maybe he will take me on a date when we are both back in Boston.

Well let me tell you how pissed off I was Monday. I got the double line. Yes, it worked out I got the happy face when I got back home. Well I text my sperm donor all damn day no response. Then I decided to email him. He said he left his phone at home, but didn’t say anything else. I know I turn into the crazy sperm lady during these couple of days of the month. But shit this is what he signed up for. I am not dating him so I have no idea how to handle this crap.

I then drafted him a kiss off letter. Now his ass wants to respond. He apologized and said if it wasn’t to late we could do it on Tuesday. Which actually wasn’t to late. Shit I don’t know it might be right on time. So we did the insemination at noon. Which actually worked out because I was off work and he works down the street from his house. So I didn’t have to run over there at night in traffic.

Still me being me, I had to say something. I told him he needs to do better with communication. He said I can’t help my job. I wanted to scream I don’t give a damn about your job. Just don’t have me waiting.

Whatever, life is never easy. My problem is I am comfortable with him. I don’t want to have to start this process over again. He is my stud until I am ready to roll out. I know he can get me pregnant. I just need it to stick. Well blogosphere that is what is up with me. I hope things are going great for you. Anyone trying to have babies much baby dust to you!!!!


Pissed off!!!

I have a big ass stain on my carpet. How about I didn’t put it there. It looks like a stain coming from the bottom up. The apartment complex says it something I will have to pay for in the end. Can I say pissed the f off. I don’t know if I just didn’t notice it. Did the carpet cleaning they did before I moved in cover it up until recently. Well thank god my old roommates still have my carpet cleaner. I am going to try to get that crap up. If it works and comes back. I will use it again before I move out. I am always pissed to be left holding the bag for crap that wasn’t my fault.

I know the complex probably heard it all, but I swear there is no way in hell I did that. They don’t care, which was totally obvious when I was talking to the leasing agent. I have several months to worry about it.

Presently going to get an insemination tonight. I didn’t get the happy face today, but with my old calculations it should be tomorrow. New calculation it will be when I get back. I am trying not to be stressed anymore.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my scale. It looks like my weight went up again. To be honest I should have weight myself when I originally started this new plan. It could have went down. I decided to go back to weighting myself once a month. Clearly I can’t take looking at the scale to often.

Random stuff

So I did my second day of couch to 5k. Still not graceful but better than the day before. I am going to the gym today to finish out the week. I am going to continue the same routine when I am out-of-town. I contacted my Donor and we are meeting up on Thursday. I have completely no idea when I ovulate these days. So I am trying to cover all bases. I am praying no happy face will show up when I am out-of-town. I am taking my sticks to test day and night. I am going to begin testing tonight which is actually day 8. When I do the insemination it will be day 9. Before I started the soy isoflavones I have been ovulating day 10. Last month I ovulate Day 14. I get back day it will be day 13 of my cycle. I am praying it all works in my favor timing wise.

Even thought it is a 20% chance or less every month. I would at least want to give it a real try. I did my soy at the time for better egg quality at this point. I just want it to happen. I also decided I am not going to stay in Georgia to long after my lease is up. If the baby is not made by January. Hopefully I will have lost the 50 pounds and will be Boston bound. It only makes sense to go back to Boston the way I left. Thin and confident. I am thinking about getting a night job when I get there. For various reason. I can go to school, and also work on getting pregnant during the day. I am sure it will pay less than what I am use to. As long as I can pay my bills, eat and save I can give a damn. It is time to live my life for my dreams and nothing else.

I was thinking a hotel assistant manager. I am going to keep an eye out. I also need to update my resume. That is going to be on my things to do list.

Couch to 5k (Pray for me)!!!!!

51MOMrOIMDL._SY346_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_So while working on getting pregnant, I am getting my fat ass in gear. I started reading this book my mother sent me, The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person by  Judith S. Beck. I was pissed she sent me this book. Always judging me about my weight. Why does she think I have so many body image issues. I don’t blame her anymore, but I do think she F me up in that department.

Never the less I started reading the book six months after she sent it. I was a Christmas present.

So one of the first things to do was take some index cards and write the Advantages of losing weight. You are supposed to copy this card several times and place them where you will need them. I put it in my car. The vehicle that takes me to all these bad places to eat. My office computer, where the thoughts of food begin. Also the cream in my coffee foolishness. Next to my bed, to read morning and night. I have to say it has worked. Better than I expected. I have not had cream in my coffee in three days. I know cream, your thinking  what the hell is she talking about. I think I like cream more than I like coffee. So the empty calories of cream which I did calculate one day is crazy. I do actual like the taste of coffee. So no cream has not sent me over the edge. I do miss the cream, but the craving is going away slowly.

One of the other things she suggests or part of her solution is give your self positive praise. Example: I got coffee no cream good job. I past that buffet place I like so much doing great. It is kind of crazy to talk to myself in that manner, but hey what do I have to lose but 50 pounds. Sounds worth it to me.

50 pounds sounds like a lot to different people. Losing that weight is where I will be content. Regardless of what other think. I am actually sick of people telling me what my goal should be. For example: All you need to do is lose weight in your stomach. How the hell do I pick where I lose weight without paying a plastic surgeon.

So I started the couch to 5k. I downloaded the RunDouble App.Slide1

I used it yesterday and can I say my ass was kicked. Yes I tried and made it through the whole work out. Not gracefully at all, but made it. I am headed to the gym today to make a spectacle of myself for another day. I am proud of the accomplishment. I also came home and did a short Zumba class with my Zumba Rush game for my Xbox 360 Kinect.

I did chart my calories on So I am getting in there. I am a great starter. I am trying to work on being a person that does not start something and don’t finish. So if it takes awhile to get pregnant. Which I have accepted. I am going to work on the problem glaring in my face. This extra weight.

I am headed to New Jersey for a wedding this weekend. I am packing my workout clothes. I am sure the hotel has a treadmill. I will be continuing my workout and try to achieve a goal to the end.


Baby Project #50

Aunt Flo showed up and is kicking my ass. I started the Soy Isoflavones on day 1 instead of 3. I want the egg to be on point for the sperm. The only problem, which I hope doesn’t happen. I will be out-of-town next week at a wedding. I haven’t received my ovulation predictor kits yet. Well the new ones, since the first order went to my old address. I am hoping all these things align in my favor.