25 DPO

No period!!! I still haven’t taken a test and trying to wait another week. I did get nauseated today and had to get some diet sprite to get it together. This could be real. I emailed known donor and he asked when was the period supposed to come. No response after that answer. I wasn’t looking for a parade from him, but a little more than that.

I have done it again. Looking at the pictures on Facebook and getting jealous. Then I had to think of a friend I have that relationship looks great on the outside but a horror show on the inside.

The guy I was supposed to meet on Saturday. Called at 9 pm after I left him a text saying lets meet at 5 pm. Yeah clearly a loser and would not get my attention. Well he even stated in the message he got my text at 10am. Then proceeded to go into some excuse that sounded like totally bullshit. I deleted it and assumed he would get the message with my lack of response. Well I guess that was too much to ask. He sent me a text on Sunday asking if I got his message. Are you freaking kidding me. I didn’t reply to that either. From the hot comment to this. Every time I don’t go with my first in-stink, I am reminded it works believe it.

I am tired. I am always tired actually. More tired than usual. I took a nap in my car during lunch and I wanted to stay out there all day. I had to drag myself back to work. I feel like everything is coming together. I have no complaints at the moment. I am going to put this man thing on the back burner. Which is annoying since I paid for a site not to long ago. I just not in the mood to deal right now. I have bigger things to focus on. I am staying positive.

I know relationships are hard. I am not in the mood for hard right now. I need some, no drama kind of world for a while. HERE IS TO NO DRAMA. I am going to take the time to hide my profiles. I will use them again I am sure.

Random Saturday Activities

I woke up about 10am. Staying up the night before until 3am doesn’t make me an early riser. I actually never been an early riser. I don’t know if it is totally my medicine or I love sleep. So I woke and looked in the mirror. My boobs looked bigger. I felt bloated. I just felt fat. I got my scale. Not my usually activity. I am in denial for longer periods of time. I was shocked, I am down 8 pounds. How the hell did that happen. I am feeling heavy as hell. Still no period so I am getting more and more excited. I am still not going to take a test for another week. The old me would have been at Walmart several times to confirm over and over again.

I got some breakfast and laid in the bed until noon. I was wondering if that guy was going to call me for that date. I really didn’t want to go. So I text him. No response, which was great for me. I wasn’t interested in meeting this guy. The more time had passed the less interested I was becoming. I took myself to the mall. I thought about buying clothes. I hate shopping. Especially when I am overweight. I went to the eyebrow place. They made them too thin. Once the hair is gone not much you could say. I also needed some shoes. I actually bought nothing and ended up at Chipotle, then I went to a two dollar movie. I saw The Man of Steel. It was okay, but I can see how people didn’t like the movie.

I haven’t been too many movies by myself. It was okay. Except for the germ infested children in the movie. I hate when people bring babies. I hope I never regret saying that. Now movies come out on video so quickly that you aren’t missing much. I hate hearing crying babies in the movies. I know when I have children I might think differently.

I know you can’t lose weight while pregnant. Is there any way you can eat healthy that when you give birth, you can lose an additional 40-50 pounds. I need to do some research. Things are coming together. Now I feel a man is so far down on my list. I would love companionship and someone to help me through this process. Now reality has kicked in and I am going to have to use my village. Thank god my cousin has moved back to GA. Granted she lives 45 minutes away. She already said she would drive up to help me when needed. Maybe she can come up every other week to do some grocery shopping. I am thinking ahead. I would pay for her gas. She is a struggling single mother. I have my old roommates. I am going to call in everyone. Also my goal is to be debt free one of these days. Not to owe to credit cards are loans unless it is for a house or a car. I know people go crazy with babies. I am going to try to buy 90% of my stuff used. I will accept all gifts. I know I will be living on credit for a while after giving birth. All I can do is plan, but you know god laughs when you do that. I am going to have to do what my father said and take it one day at a time. Father knows best!!!

22 DPO

I think I am counting correctly. I know my period is a no-show. I thought I saw a brown spot when I was in the bathroom. Checked again and nothing. I have to say I am happy and nervous. I been having something going on in my abdomen. I am not going to call it pains. Cramps and some spasing in the couchie area.

So I talked to my father last night. I haven’t filled him in on what I am doing. All I said is I am still working on having a baby. He said can we do this the natural way. I said what do you mean. He said a man and a woman, maybe a husband. Dad a husband isn’t easy to find. Yes it is, a good one is hard to find LMAO. We both laughed.

I will tell him eventually I guess, maybe. I did tell him he will be babysitting. I got the speech I live my life one day at a time. Yeah, Yeah you will be babysitting. I heard him talking to my step sister, Who lives upstairs with her kids. I said ask her if she would babysit. She asked if I was pregnant. I am positive my father hasn’t told her anything. She said she would babysit. Her youngest is in high school. Everyone loves babies. I would want her to help my father more than babysit. Either way I am not doing all this to have my kids with other people all the time. I am building my network, village, folks. What ever you want to call it. When I do need someone, I need to know who will be on the list.

I sleep allot. I am nervous about having a baby and sleep deprivation. My medication makes me very tired. I am going to the neurologist to see what I can do about that. I am going the end of October. So I should know if I am pregnant by then.

 

Life is so crazy!

One or my readers mention how she thought the guy who wanted a hot girl was arrogant. I have to totally agree with her. These guys want a model. I am thinking if all it takes to get you is good looks you are an idiot. A pretty face and body doesn’t always come with a nice personality. I digress, I am still going on the date. We will see what happens. I was annoyed with the comment. Who knows maybe he thinks I am hot. I would put myself in the more average, chubby category. You never know!!

My boss might have TB (tuberculous). I am scared because I still haven’t gotten my period and I don’t want any problems. He knew he has been exposed to it. He didn’t pass the skin test. Now they are doing additional test to see if he has it. To make things worse. My throat  is getting tight and I am coughing. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it in the past. I hope I do not have some contagious illness that could affect a possible pregnancy. My friend and cousin talked me off the ledge. My bosses kids don’t have it. I am praying I just got a little cold and nothing else. I swear if it wasn’t my life I wouldn’t believe it. So my boss is at the hospital getting additional test. I am praying for good news.

19DPO Still nervous!!!

it is 19 days past my ovulation. No period in site. I am happy and nervous. I am cramping. Not allot but it is making me nervous. You go online to see if this is normal. Online searches is the worst thing to ever do. I never seem to find good explanations. Maybe I don’t know how to search.

The very handsome guy who sent me an emailed called. I am not feeling his personality. He seems a little stiff in his conversation. He sounds like an old man and he is only 38. He wants to meet today. I do like that he has some urgency. This week isn’t good for me. So he will have to wait. He also said something about he could not date someone who isn’t hot. WTF does that mean?? So do you need to look like a super model. If that is the case drop my resume from consideration. The truth is looks are so subjective. I am not seeing a great turn out with this one. I am still going on the date.

No real reason not to. He lives close to me, it isn’t taking me out of my way.  Trying to stay positive!!!

My dating life

I met this new guy online.  We were emailing last week sometimes. He gave me his number. I called left a message. Five days past, nothing. I just put him in the bullshit people online category and moved on. Well on Saturday I get an email from asking about us talking. I told him I called and left a message. He used the excuse (the message had a lot of static and he didn’t know my name). Okay I gave him that one. Didn’t sound to bullshit. I emailed him my phone number. This was about 5 or 6 oclock on Saturday night. Then I got lost in The 4400 and my The Sims 3 game and other random crap. I looked at the clock 12:30 and no call.  I wasn’t waiting for his call. I just happened to remember he said he would call. The last email was I am feeding my daughter I will call you later.

So I sent him an email. I stated I am not into playing games. Please lose my number and I wish the best of luck in your search. Well this must have put this mans pants on fire. I got an instant reply.  With don’t be a meanie HEHEHE. I had company and I didn’t want to call you late.  I have to tell you guys. The benefit of the doubt is no longer something I give. I played that game for years. It is about 90/10. 90% they are lying out their ass. 10% they are telling the truth.

When he didn’t  understand my message I left, he went five days with no contact. Now you say you are very interested. I give him my number, and still going to pull this waiting shit. You are not the man I want. The man I want would have at least sent me a text. Granted I hate text but I would have respected that. Then he kept sending me emails. I guess he was getting upset I wouldn’t reply and wrote him off.  One of his notes said: “I said I would call you later, Is it to late to call you now. ” I looked at the message and said hell yes it is. Not because of the time, but you are a loser and I HAVE NO INTEREST. The next email he sends says, “I am 45 and don’t play games”. Caught you I went back to his profile and it said 40. When they say they don’t play games that is all they do. I learned that lesson. That is like when a man is always boasting about his manly part it is usually disappointing.  Certain things men say it is the automatic reverse.

So my new belief is I don’t owe anyone any explanation. I also refuse to argue with anyone. Not just men, anyone.   I swear people will tell you who they are, wait and just listen. The last of three more emails stated  “number lost.” Hey works for me. I don’t give a damn you had a tantrum because things didn’t go your way. That is another thing I hate bitch ass men. I know I am being hard in this blog. But acting like you are five-year old,  makes me lose interest quickly. He might have gotten an eye raise if he started with an apology.

Men are not complicated. If he was interested, really interested no time would have passed and he would have called me. I been around the block to many times for this.

On a brighter note. A very attractive man sent me note on a website. I was like wow I like that. So he got my number we will see if he calls. If not he will be tossed to the side like the rest. When I say I don’t play. I MEAN IT. I am not just talking.

There have been times of desperation in my life. Hence why I am having a baby by myself. The desperation is over. I am not longer looking for a husband to implant his child in me. So I have no reason (not that I should have ever had one) to deal with any man’s bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17DPO and no aunt flo

I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.

I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.

I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.

Loving myself day 3

Things are going pretty well. Food not perfect, but a whole lot better. I got my new fat jeans from Old Navy. I wish I didn’t have to buy online. Being six feet tall, makes shopping online a necessity. All that to say they are two big. I keep having to pull them up. Which I secretly love and I am not returning them. Secondly when I am pregnant, I can have turned into maternity jeans.

So I did part of my homework. My therapist said make a start and don’t beat yourself up. My cousin is coming over this weekend to help me lift boxes. Since box lifting put me on my ass for three days.  Also she is taking back her heating pad. For her trouble I said I would take her to lunch. I need to find my exercise equipment to try to attempt P90X again. Yeah I said it!!!!

I been happy with no complaints over the past three days. Work has been stressful. There is something I need to complete that has me pulling out my hair. It has to do with taxes. Not my favorite subject at all.

On the man front, no men in my life at present. This one guy gave me his number. I called and he never called back. Oh well, I left a message that is all you get out of me. I am not into chasing anyone. PERIOD!!!

I am working on a new YOUTUBE channel. I am feeling kind of shy about it. I know after I get in the habit I will be at ease.  I am still waiting to see if I am pregnant. My nipples have been hard for two weeks. I haven’t taken a test. I have one, but haven’t even attempted to take it. I don’t know what I am waiting for. The longer I wait it will be obvious because my period will be here. I have to say it has been a lot less stressful not taking the test. One test leads to many for me. Especially if I see one little sign of a double line.

PEACE and HAIR GREASE (that use to be a saying I said in my youth to my little group of friends. The things you remember)

Homework!!

My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight.  It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion.  My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????

I am boring!!

I didn’t do much this weekend at all. My friend came over to download a few things to my computer. When I do it I always get viruses. I bought him lunch for his trouble of driving to my side of town. I use to live in his subdivision, so I wouldn’t feel guilty for putting him out of his way. My back is about 85% better. I still have a pain. It isn’t crippling like last week.

I have been a little depressed lately. I have an appointment tomorrow with the therapist and I will discuss it with her. I am feeling lonely. I got rid of the non-committal always his agenda EX. I told him I don’t want to talk to him anymore. He then asked me if I found a boyfriend and that is why I don’t want to talk to him. I didn’t even answer that question. Why I let him in my life for so long I will never understand.

I put myself online, and a few people seem interesting. One guy was interested and he asked me if I had Skype. I Have only used Skype once. I set it up on my new computer and I noticed I was the only one with a video up. Why would you asked someone to Skype if you don’t want to show yourself. First red flag. Then he did what I call kicking a disclaimer. He told me he looked a little different from his picture. The picture was old. Red flag number two. Then he went into what his race was. I looked back at his profile and saw it said other. Okay he shows himself. I had his face next to the profile. I didn’t see once resemblance to this picture. Okay dude why you paying for a membership to straight lie. First of all the picture was in black and while and looked like some model shot. Like it was taken by a professional. Usually people don’t take contemplating thoughts type pictures. I told him I was going to bed and cut that crap off.

I am not the type to play the catfish game. I really have been desiring a relationship lately. I just can’t put together how that will work with my baby dreams. I am going to have to figure this out.