My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight. It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion. My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????