Saltines save the day!

Even thought I gained all this weight. My diet usually contains no flour or sugar. I was trying to stay true to that for the most part. Today my co-worker gave me saltines. They are doing something. I think I am so sick I am starting to look green. If this work I am going to the store and buying three boxes.

I talked to known donor via email. He is very happy for me. Still such a strange relationship. I am beyond grateful. If I could pick the traits I want my child to have. His green eyes would be my first choice. I am not sure about my traits. I am trying not to worry about things I can’t control. This has always been a challenge for me. I have never been carefree. I actually envy people who live there lives that way. I was strolling the SMC forum today. A topic of this being Plan B popped up again.

I could totally relate. This is not how I planned for this at all. I remember when I was going to college. I had a summer job at Suffolk University downtown Boston. I told my boss I was going to find my husband in college. We would get married shortly after graduation. I do feel I found him in college. I was in love with my Panamanian man. He was 6’2 dark chocolate and yelled at me in Spanish. I remember I stalked him for a few months before he actually dated me. Looking back I was pretty desperate chasing him like that, but shit it worked. I was more caught up into him the he was into me. We argued a lot which fueled my love for him. We were born on the same day two years apart. He was graduating and I was going into my junior year. I thought of course we would date until I graduated. He didn’t live two far from the school. He had other plans that didn’t include me. I was totally crushed.

After I graduated and moved back to Boston and he was in Connecticut. He all of a sudden found interest in me again. I wouldn’t give him a second chance. I was so wounded by the way he got rid of me. I felt I could do better. Now looking back he was the one I let get away. Regrets are not useful to anyone. Because you can’t do anything about them. I have several regrets from poor decision-making. I did the best I could do at the time. I didn’t have a crystal ball saying HEY YOU, YOU ARE F–KING UP GO LEFT NOT RIGHT.
He did Facebook friend me years later. He was married with a child. I noticed I have been de-friended. Not sure why and I guess it doesn’t really matter. I can’t go back only forward!!!



Random Post!!

I am still sick every day. It might let up on occasion, but stays pretty consistent. It doesn’t matter what I eat. I still feel exactly the same like I should be throwing up. I been listening to my prosperity YouTube video at night. Money in my life at this point would be great. All I see is more and more going out. I haven’t gotten over the fear yet. I think other people have an idea about how I am supposed to feel. My aunt said you should be happy. I am happy that I am pregnant. Doing it alone is not what I am happy about. Yes I am getting what I want. I wanted a baby and with god on my side hopefully everything will be perfect for that to happen. I still don’t feel out of the danger zone yet.

I am still sad that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband. I have a right to feel that way. I think people have a right to feel how ever they do. I don’t need to explain it or justify it. I know everyone is happy for me and have advise. I have to say a few things that have been said pretty much on a regular is annoying as hell. The first question is how are you doing? Then I mention I am sick all the time. The response is well that is pregnancy. My mother even laughs when she responds. Since she had such a horrible pregnancy with me. Shit I know it is pregnancy. So four different people asking me how I feel then the next thing is that is pregnancy.  How many times do you have to say it damn. I get it!!! I am sick you asked me how I felt. Why are you asking how I feel just to declare it is pregnancy. Unless you have some useful information or help please stop telling me the obvious. I know I am being a brat, but I am really sick every day all day. It is hard to get to and get through work.

I am not complaining I am glad my baby is letting me know they are there. It makes me feel better to have this sickness. It is very hard to get through the day. I am going to work on praying at night. I gotten out of that habit and need to bring it back. My spiritual life is lacking in a big way these days.


So Damn Tired!!!

I went to bed at 8pm. I woke up a few times to pee and get some gingerale because my stomach was sick. I am falling asleep at my desk at work. I am so, so, so tired. How do people have so many children. How do they deal with the older ones feeling like they are about to pass out. I guess it pays to have a good partner. I found out sour icebreakers make me feel better for a few minutes. Now my tongue is burning from all the sour candy. I can’t win lol!! I can’t say I am loving pregnancy at the moment. I can see how people only do this once.

I have a bunch of fears that I need to work on. I am debt. I have been in debt for a while and I hate it. I think it is a reality of life, but a hard one to swallow. Now when I go home with baby/babies in hand and get a good job. Which I am worried about. Getting a good job is on my list of things to do. The question is how easy is it to do in Boston. I have no idea. I left Boston doing one thing, now coming back I am doing something totally different. My goal when I do get everything together and a job is to get out of debt. I feel it hanging over my head.

I look at the job listing from time to time. I hate the job listing because they always give you the professional bullshit of what you do at the job. You could be shuffling paper and data entry busy work. They make it sound complicated. I want a job that is not stressful. Which I feel is hard to find in this day and age. I know I need to stop worry about something so far down the line. I have a cousin that worries about absolutely nothing. It is so effortless to her to not stress. That is so not me!!

I need to work on being more like her with the lack of stressing. Stressing about something doesn’t make you feel better or fix the problem or issue. It useless worrying. I know this but it is so hard not to do!!!

7 Weeks 5 Days first OBGYN appt

This appointment was a lot longer than expected. I had to call me job and tell them I was going to be late. Of course being 38 I am high risk. Then taking the medicine I take I will have to see a fetal medicine doctor. So no ultrasound today. She said the fetal medicine doctor will do it. They also have better machines. I did have to take the diabetic test today. I wasn’t prepared for that at all. Because I am old and my dad is pre-diabetic.  So that next appointment with them will be in a month. The fetal medicine doctor, they have to run through my insurance first then make an appointment. She gave me a prescription for prenatal and nauseous medicine. The midwife didn’t ask a lot of extra questions. I said the father was not in the picture end of subject. The phlebotomy lady was very nosy. Asked me why I waited, did I just get married, and a few other personal question. I gave her vague answers. I wasn’t upset she was being nosy. I was caught off guard. She did share personal information about herself. Nice, nosy woman taking my blood.

I did learn I am so overweight I only need to gain 15 pounds. When they weighted me it looks like I lost six pounds. From the highest I seen on my scale. All this is hard to take in. My family is calling asking a bunch of question. My aunt wants to come visit and go to a doctor’s appointment. I appreciate all that, but I am trying not to throw up at my desk. I wasn’t that accommodating when they called. I am trying to get through this work day in once peace. I am also nervous to make it past one trimester. I also declined to do any testing they have to stick needles in my stomach. I took the less evasive blood test that when I take it, is about 95% my child is okay. I am going to pray and ask god to bless the baby in my stomach. When she asked.

I am not jumping for my aunt to visit. She wants me to drive her all over the place when she is here. If she comes it isn’t about her and we are not crossing town because she wants to check on this and that. I am not in the mood to cater to anyone at the moment. I just want to lay in the bed any moment i have. I don’t have time for anyone else, I have another month to get through.


Pregnancy isn’t for whimps!!

No throwing up, but my stomach just feels uneasy all day. I ate Mexican today, which tasted great. My co-worker I went to lunch with doesn’t know I am pregnant. I did feel better when I was eating. I read online to never let your stomach get empty. I am going to have to find some snacks. I love fruit. I am going to have to invest. For the past couple of days I feel the worst in the morning. DUH, Morning sickness. The shit doesn’t subside until four pm. Now I know what people mean about all day sickness. I am going through a two liter of ginger ale a day.

I know I need to try ginger tea and chews. I haven’t had the energy to find a store with these things. I am usually looking for something to eat and going straight for my bed.

I thought I had some crazy powers. My TV in my bedroom has went straight crazy. Turning off and on and changing channels. I unplug it so it could reset. If that TV turned on while unplug I would have run from apartment screaming. It kind of worked with me playing with it. I bought this TV off my old neighbor for my workout room in my townhouse. It works perfect in my bedroom now. I am not into electronics, so I don’t own any flat screens. They are nice but not in my present budget or necessity at the moment.

This weekend is about finding some shirts that make me look less fat. I need some shoes and groceries. No other plans.

I will have to say a friend and I got into it. I thought it was going to go bad. We didn’t see eye to eye. I said we can agree to disagree. I meant that but was a little bitter. Then she said can we continue or we need a little break. After a very long awkward silence. Once she said that I had to laugh. Yes we disagreed no one was killed. She doesn’t have to think how I do and I don’t have to think how she does. We slipped into another conversation with ease after that. I thought it was kind of cool. Not every situation works like that at all.

This website I had a profile on I can’t figure out how to hide. So I said F-*$& it. It is free so who cares. I seem to be popular these days. I would love to have male attention right now. I don’t feel my condition can be explained  away. Shit dating was hard before pregnancy I can’t imagine it getting easy while pregnant. Wouldn’t that be amazing if it was.


Always something

Shake up at work. Long story I can’t really speak on. This is making me not to happy to be in management. When people are affected in a bad way I don’t want blood on my hands. It really isn’t my decision but it still sucks. I feel for people in the line of fire. There is nothing I can do. I need a job for now at least until child is born. I have to think about that.

I know my job hours and stress will be increasing greatly. I am the grateful to have a job category again. I know my long term plan is to not be in Georgia. Leaving on your own and being asked to leave when not prepared is a different thing. Also the pregnancy things makes it all very tricky. I know I have a fear of finding a job in Boston. It is a waste of time to worry about things you can’t control or might not happen. I don’t think I am worried more concerned. I have so much more on my plate right now to even think about that.

One day at a time. I can hear my father saying to me. I need to focus on today. All the work on my desk and not stress when the pile of work increases. I know I need to work on my resume. Another thing I need to put on my weekend list. Not that I need it right now, but I can always be prepared. Life is full of challenges.

Day by Day

I am trying to function everyday. I am so tired it is crazy. The nap I take in my car at lunch time feels like ten seconds instead of 45 min. I talked to a friend I met many years ago at a job. She offered to plan my baby-shower. To early for that but I was so thrilled. I planned hers with one of her friends years ago. I love this friend dearly. Even thought we do not talk much at all. She is married with two kids.

Even thought we do not speak often, I always felt she cared about me. I also care about her. She will talk to me about things going on in her life for advise. She respects my opinion. She can be to nice like myself. I told her I had to stop that nice shit for my own sanity.

First doctors appointment coming up. I am nervous. I don’t know what to expect. My old roommate offered her girlfriend to take me to doctor appointments. She said she would love to go. I hate asking people for things. I don’t know why I have always been that way. I am going to take her up on it when more time has passed. It would be nice to have someone share the experience with.

My mom expressed she wish she could go to the doctor’s with me. That would have been so nice. The issues of living so far away from home. Sometimes I regret that decision I made  to move years ago. Then I realized I had to live my life and experience all I have. I always have in the back of my mind what would have been different if I stayed in Boston.

My life hasn’t always been boring like it is. I was a party girl when I first got here. I had a lot of fun and stories of 2001 when I landed in Georgia. I will never have that crystal ball to see how things would have been different. Or that potion to rewind my age. I been watching to many movies. Someone told me a long time ago. Appreciate your life it isn’t a dress rehearsal you only get to do it once. That means a lot at this age. I really made steps to accomplish some dreams. I am not going to stop I am going to keep moving along.

Yesterday in the grocery store someone asked me when I am due. I do not look pregnant. I am just fat and my weight goes in my stomach when I am fat. I was asked the same question for many years being overweight. I thought she asked what I did. It ended in an awkward silence. Eventually  I know will have to answer that question. My feelings were hurt from the question. I know I am going to tackle this weight issue. Just not right now.

So Tired!!

I took a day off to sleep. I don’t know why I thought there was a way to catch up with sleep. I was totally wrong. I am so tired all the time. Also I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach. I don’t have to throw up. Which I don’t know what is better. Constant sick feeling your stomach or throwing up. As I said my office is so far from the bathroom that wouldn’t be cool if I didn’t make it.

My first appointment is around the corner. It is next Monday. I know I am supposed to get my teeth cleaned sometime soon. I need to reschedule that appointment. It is so hard to know what is permitted and what is not. Also everyone is telling me what I should stay away from. Which I am not sure is truth or something they heard.

My apartment has been crazy this weekend. The wilderness is coming in. I killed a green lizard looking thing. It walked across my keyboard. I screamed my head off and beat it with a roommate. A green lizard thing in your apartment. Then a centipede fell on my leg from the ceiling. I swear it is the window in my living room. There were bees coming in. It is crazy. I called and complained, they need to do something. I am not feeling things that should stay outside in my apartment. I also barely go on my balcony so that isn’t it.

I been feeling a little lonely, but working through those feelings. What I asked for is happened. I am trying to accept where I am now.

Sour Stomach

My stomach has been sour for over a week. I don’t feel like I am going to throw up. My stomach feels like crap. It doesn’t matter what I eat.

I took the day off work. I needed a day to sleep and do nothing. Which started out to be a great plan. I forgot to buy the lottery tickets for the office and send it out on Thursday. So I went out to get the tickets and some ginger-ale. A few things from the store and came home. Thank god for scanning. I sent it to someone in the office to send out. Mission accomplished.

A friend of mine was telling me about her financial situation. I was thinking damn she got it together. I am in debt. I had a plan about the debt which was in motion until expensive fertility treatments. I know I will get it together eventually.

I did sleep alot today, but not as much as I thought I would. It is nice to have a day of no errands or things to do. I know soon that will totally change in my life. Mom and I are doing great. Which is usually how it goes. A complete breakdown and then she acts like nothing has happened. 

If getting out of my bed to get lottery tickets makes me rich I will thank the gods for me staying home today. Wishful Thinking!!!!

Kind of Early

I am six weeks as of today. I think, this whole counting system is strange to me.

I am not sleeping straight through the night. I am getting up three or four times. I am really thirsty or have to pee. So interesting, I have never been the one to not sleep. I don’t have to throw up, but I have this sour stomach all day. I am taking this all in stride. This is what I wanted and asked for. I really don’t want to throw up at work.  My office is not close to the bathroom. Also if anyone is in there while I lose my cookies, I don’t want to answer the question are you okay?

My mother and I are on the outs again. Mother, daughter relationships are so complicated. I just want a normal mother. In typing that I have no idea what that means. Everyone I know has issues with their mother’s. Some better some worse. My relationship with my mother has improved greatly over the years. Presently she isn’t talking to me and told me to have a great life. This will not last long. How do I know, I known this woman my whole life.

Work is good, but I want to go home and get back in the bed. I took a cat nap in my car, and barely made it back to my desk. Since I work pretty independently unless I have to say something to my team. I am not usually missed. I come in check my phone and email. If nothing I am good. I don’t want to look like a slacker. I want to feel like I am pulling my weight. Even thought I want to say I am not a 100 percent can I leave. Then I will be leaving all the time. I don’t think I am going to be 100 percent until labor and delivery and recoup-oration.

I went to my therapist yesterday. She was so happy for me. I still want to see her even though I am not as depressed as when I first walked in her office. The conversation makes me feel good and points me in a positive direction. She did tell me she has patience she worries about. I am not one of them. That made me feel great. When I first got there I was not great or feeling that way at all. I felt beat down by life.

I am morning the lack of man again. My SMC friend that has already had her baby said I would go through this. She was totally right. She also said once I see my child’s face I will instantly forget about it for a while. I do believe that. My therapist had great advice. I need to work on accepting where I am at. I am in a great place. It might not be a fantasy but it damn sure is not a bad place.