Even thought I gained all this weight. My diet usually contains no flour or sugar. I was trying to stay true to that for the most part. Today my co-worker gave me saltines. They are doing something. I think I am so sick I am starting to look green. If this work I am going to the store and buying three boxes.
I talked to known donor via email. He is very happy for me. Still such a strange relationship. I am beyond grateful. If I could pick the traits I want my child to have. His green eyes would be my first choice. I am not sure about my traits. I am trying not to worry about things I can’t control. This has always been a challenge for me. I have never been carefree. I actually envy people who live there lives that way. I was strolling the SMC forum today. A topic of this being Plan B popped up again.
I could totally relate. This is not how I planned for this at all. I remember when I was going to college. I had a summer job at Suffolk University downtown Boston. I told my boss I was going to find my husband in college. We would get married shortly after graduation. I do feel I found him in college. I was in love with my Panamanian man. He was 6’2 dark chocolate and yelled at me in Spanish. I remember I stalked him for a few months before he actually dated me. Looking back I was pretty desperate chasing him like that, but shit it worked. I was more caught up into him the he was into me. We argued a lot which fueled my love for him. We were born on the same day two years apart. He was graduating and I was going into my junior year. I thought of course we would date until I graduated. He didn’t live two far from the school. He had other plans that didn’t include me. I was totally crushed.
After I graduated and moved back to Boston and he was in Connecticut. He all of a sudden found interest in me again. I wouldn’t give him a second chance. I was so wounded by the way he got rid of me. I felt I could do better. Now looking back he was the one I let get away. Regrets are not useful to anyone. Because you can’t do anything about them. I have several regrets from poor decision-making. I did the best I could do at the time. I didn’t have a crystal ball saying HEY YOU, YOU ARE F–KING UP GO LEFT NOT RIGHT.
He did Facebook friend me years later. He was married with a child. I noticed I have been de-friended. Not sure why and I guess it doesn’t really matter. I can’t go back only forward!!!