Delivery Man (Spoiler Alert)

I went to see this movie due to my Single mother by choice status. I didn’t use a sperm bank to create pumpkin. I did start out with a sperm bank. From the commercial you can see this man has 533 children from his sperm donation. I understand that they wanted to meet the man who contributed the DNA. What I didn’t like was some of the children really wanted this person to be their father. In once instant the child said I want to keep you for myself. Then I didn’t like the one child was on heroin and instantly drug free.

I don’t know what I was expecting from this movie. The one thing I did like was when the lawyer said yes these are great kids, but none of them would have been here if the donation wasn’t anonymous. There is a new TV show coming out on MTV. Concerning the same topic. This blessing of a child is beyond the greatest gift. I know there are a lot of men who would drop out as candidates if it wasn’t for their anonymity. It is a catch 22 in away. The father of the 533 children girlfriend was having a child. He made the comment to one of the donor kids that he is denying time with his real family. The kid took this harshly and kept staying we are your real kids. I felt it was insensitive to the men who expected no involvement with these children. No comment on the families they came from that actually made the choice to have an anonymous donor. It wasn’t one-sided, but the movie felt one-sided. Or the issue that the Cryobank made such an error to let this happen. They really should have been held up to more scrutiny then what was portrayed in the movie.

I know this was comedy and originally a French movie. I think I am a little to close to the issues to appreciate it.

 

Baby First Picture!!

Finally an ultrasound. It sounds like I will be having many more do to my fibroid‘s. I didn’t cry. I have to say it has all become more real.I was shocked at the picture. I been feeling lonely lately but in that room I felt totally fine. My dream was coming true. No not twins and I think that is perfectly fine. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Since I can count the amount of diapers I changed in my life I think he made the right decision to give me one. I text everyone who has been in my corner, the picture. My phone has been blowing up. I am so distracted it is hard to work.

2013-11-19 11.46.18 (1)I am going to tell my job next month. I was at that appointment for over two hours. They think it is a girl. I will find out in two weeks for sure. They did the genetics testing and talked to me. I was very evasive about known donor. I just want it to be accepted it is just me. Everything looks great. They aren’t concerned about the medicine I take. If it wasn’t for those damn Fibroid’s I would only be at the Fetal Medicine Doctor a few times. I know women are happy for a lot of ultrasounds. I keep thinking of the expense. Insurance don’t cover the same way they use to. As soon as January hits my deductible will be ready for payment again. Which the limit increased this year of course. I wish I didn’t worry about money. I guess it isn’t money I worry about more than debt. Which all these expenses will be going on a charge card. It is good to have credit. After this my next goal is to be debt free.  It is still hard for me to believe that is in my stomach. It is strange and unreal. I am staring at the picture in amazement. I pray for the health of this baby and myself. God is great not just good. I have gotten this far. I need to stop worrying about anything.

On a family drama note. I told my aunt how I felt about my cousin. She said that is harsh. I swear this woman acts like she has virgin ears sometimes. If it wasn’t her nephew she would feel the same way. I told her family doesn’t get a pass. When I talked to one of my cousin she totally agreed ed with me. Crimes against women and children are a no go for me. I don’t care if we have similar blood lines. On a brighter note I am great and living the dream. Two years ago I never thought this would have been possible. First the house I had underwater. Then the lack of fund amongst other things. God moved all those things aside and gave me what I asked for.

Being positive is my new outlook for today.

11 Weeks and 5 days

In two days I will be officially on my way to the second trimester. Woo Hoo. Still sick, the midwife said it might be the prenatal making me sick.  I gained five pounds in a month. I was told that was not a good thing. I got to hear the heart beat. It sounded like white nose. It took a minute for me to hear the actual beat. I asked her a lot of questions and that was pretty much it. Tomorrow when I see the Fetal Medicine Doctor I believe it will be more exciting.

My mind has been on this transition back to Boston allot lately.  I really don’t miss Boston I miss my family. They are in Boston and never leaving, so I have no choice but to make the move.

In recent family drama, my cousin just got out of prison. He has been there since I was 13 years old. I am 38 almost 39 years. His crimes I am not going to discuss but they were heinous and against women. He is going around to seek out family members to say hello. He went to my mothers job and said do you know me. Then finally revealed himself as her nephew. I told my mother I have no interest in seeing him or being friends. My mom said he served his time. Yeah what ever. The things he did to get his ass locked up is not redeemable to me. He should have died in prison. I am not the family gets a pass type of person. He shouldn’t be walking the streets in my opinion. What makes me feel good is I am sure he has no idea what I look like. I hope he doesn’t think he is going to get invites to any of my family functions. If he happens to be at any other I will not be there.

You stand for something or fall for anything. After being a victim myself  of a man I refused to accommodate that. On a lighter note I am starting to feel a little better. I am hoping this worked day ends quickly. I am ready to call it a day!!

Dentist!!

I have rescheduled this cleaning about three times. First I was nervous because of the pregnancy. Then it looked like I had so many appointments, so I rescheduled. Today is the day for my cleaning. I am leaving work early. Which I am thrilled about. I been having the worst time concentrating. I am actually hate the dentist. I go because I don’t want to be toothless one day. Plus I have bad teeth genes. We all seem to have the same gum issues. I thought it was because I smoked for so long. Then my aunt informed me she has similar issues and she never smoked. At least I have gotten rid of the stains on my teeth. Not a big fan of the yellow looking grill. I started using Arm & Hammer whitening toothpaste. My hygienist was amazed with how white my teeth stays.

Even thought my aunt and I had our usually issues we are good now. I swear my family gets over stuff quick. That works in my favor. I still feel pumpkin doing something in my stomach. I am not totally sick, and not totally well at the same time. I ate last night and threw up. It such a random thing with pumpkin mood. I went to my therapist and it was another good experience. I am working on being focused on life right now. Not what coulda, shouda, woulda happened in my life with different choices.

I am blessed to be exactly where I am at this moment. She made a good point. Am I worrying or just thinking about things. Once she explained the difference I am just thinking about my issues allot. Not really worrying. I am not losing sleep, wearing the carpet out because I can’t deal.  That gave me some relief about my life at the moment. I can’t predict the future. I did win on a scratch ticket. 16 bucks Woo Hoo, I can retire. As you see I have jokes today.

My hair looks crazy. Pumpkin has triggered a dandruff explosion. I wanted to wash my hair last night. It is so damn cold I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I have always had dandruff issues, but it hasn’t been this bad in years. I am scratching like I have fleas. It will be me some Selsun Blue and plastic cap when I get a chance. My dermatologist said you need to let the stuff sit on your head for 15-20 minutes. There are my weekend plans. I am taking one of my old roommates out for her birthday. Her partner is coming to of course. I like hanging with them. They are some cool people. I feel that they both care for me as family. I am going to miss them so much when I move. Not that we see a lot of each other. It will be harder to see them when I am a 16-18 hour drive away. We are going to a movie and lunch. Good times I have a date. Haven’t had one of those in a long time. Not with a man but a date none the less. Woo HOO!!!!

 

Day by day!

I think my all day sickness is calming down. I feel better. Not perfect, but a whole lot better. I love my family but sometimes the selfishness drives me insane. My aunt wanted to come to Atlanta. Which I have mentioned. She has a laundry list of things she wants to do. Getting her hair done being one of them. I told her I am not catering to her whims while she is here. As my therapist said it isn’t my job. I go out for a few hours to run my own errands and I am ready to take a nap on the weekends. During the week, I bring myself to wash the dishes take a shower and go to bed. Usually by 8pm.

When I first said this she got mad and said she will come to Atlanta on her own and get a hotel. I said great we can do lunch or dinner. Nope she didn’t want to see me at all. Clearly being a brat because I didn’t say what she wanted to hear. I ignored her. Then after time she slowly eased into coming to stay with me. Like I forget the tantrum this grown ass woman had because I told her no.

She said I can drop her off and pick her up for this hair appointment. I know she doesn’t like to hear no, but that is what she heard hell no. This place is 40+ minutes from my house. Not going to even almost happen.

The next attempt, I will come down for a doctor’s appointment. Sounded nice and like she was coming for me. I should have known some bullshit was up with that. She also agreed to rent a car to do her own thing. Wow sounded even better. She did ask to use my car. Which I said no. First it is my only mode of transportation. It is having issues and she would never let me driver her precious car. I was down with the doctor’s appointment. Well here is when I realized it was more about her than me. She starts thinking about when she is going to buy her ticket. I said wait, you need to know when I am actually having a doctor’s appointment to make a flight right. Ahh I got you!!! I love my aunt, but the world does not revolve around her. No matter how much she think it does.

I told her if she wants to come down rent and car and stay with me it is not a big deal. But you don’t have to tell me this bullshit about a doctor’s appointment. She got in her I don’t know what you are talking about voice and said okay. Then I reminded her of her tantrum early in the year that she was going to stay in a hotel and not see me at all. I heard another okay let me let you go. REALLY!!!

She has known me all my life. I rarely do shit I don’t want to do. I am not worried about her. I have enough on my plate with life stuff.

A friend said I don’t need a Douala. She seemed a little offended for me wanting to pay someone to be at my beck and call during delivery. Her and her partner got my back. Here is the thing. If it comes down to it and I am left hanging I am going to beyond pissed. I also don’t feel comfortable calling people all times of night. I know I am pregnant. Everyone keeps giving me this blank check of favors and be there for me. I appreciate it and really need to accept the help. Here is the problem, I am still me. Miss independent who don’t depend on people. Usually because when I have in the past I was disappointed big time. So I decided early in my life to do shit on my own. It is hard to break that from me. I need to work on it!!!

 

Not a good day

After Golden Corral last night I rushed home to throw up. OMG, I was a hot mess. All I did was eat a bowl of cream of wheat. I had to have something on my stomach. Then went to bed. Nothing else I could do.

Now I am at work feeling like totally shit. My stomach is poking out which is bringing back a lot of insecurity of a fat childhood. I know I am pregnant. I am not ready to share that fact with my job at the moment. So still working on hide mode. The crap I am eating might be making the whole situation worse. There is certain food I look at and I am disgusted. If I found food that would agree with me I would eat it morning, noon and night.

I am also feeling insecure about doing this by myself. I do have a lot of friends that I believe would help me. I just hate asking for help. I am the do it yourself type of person. I don’t really depend on many people. I know my mom wants to come. I wonder about her financial situation taking to long from her jobs. This would be so much easier if I was already in Boston. Between feeling insecure and fat, I am feeling like I might need to leave work early. My stomach is all over the place. I feel like sleeping for ten years. How do women have so many babies.

I was talking to a friend and she said some women love pregnancy and others hate it. I am motioning towards the hate it category. I know I am going to be in total utter love when this is over. Not regretting all I am about to go through. How do I make it through a work day is my problem. I been pulling it off, by the skin of my teeth. I just don’t want to be here. After sleeping 11 hours I am still crazy tired.

Women who do this with toddlers at their feet I have much respect for. I want my mommy!!! I am serious, I want my mom. She can drive me crazy at times but I want her here with me. I lived away from my mom for the past 13-14 years. I haven’t had such a need for wanting my mom since I was a child. I feel like she would take up the slack. Go to the grocery store and do everything for me. I am going to have to suck it up and push through. I made this choice and I have no regrets. Regardless of the feelings I have surrounding my choice. Sometimes I feel like people don’t get it. I would never change the success of my pregnancy for anything. I am still sad for the circumstances were not my ideal. I am so glad another SMC friend go through this first. She told me I would have those feeling. She was so right. Now I am trying to digest paying for having a baby. Yes my crappy insurance I am sure there are going to be some massive payments on my end. I am the payment plan queen. Also I have no idea what my insurance covers. I am a little scared to find out at the moment. Not in the mood for the stress. I am going to scratch that ticket this weekend. My whole outlook might be totally different come MONDAY!!! Wish me luck!!!

 

Pimpled faced girl

I had clear skin most of my life. You wouldn’t know it looking at me now. The first sign of skin madness was when I took the DHEA. That jacked me up and I didn’t know what to do. I was so embarrassed. I found makeup to cover it up. I am not the makeup girl, but I was getting pretty good at it. Until I lost interest in putting it on every morning. Now that I am pregnant pimples are showing up in clusters on my face. I have no energy to put makeup on them. I have put some pimple cream that seems to help them before the blow up my face. The red dots are still there. It is like I have a pimple rash. If one person says that is what you asked for being pregnant I will scream. So I am no complaining about my pimples even though they are bothering me. It might be the fast food I have been eating. I am trying to eat healthy. My stomach doesn’t feel right with most things I put into my body.

Still nervous and haven’t started my daily praying yet. I am going to get on that tonight. I have been so tired, after I wash dishes and eat I am in the bed. My motivation to do anything is zero. I am also trying not to stress about my financial situation. God has always worked everything out for me.  I am so sick of owing people money. I guess it is life. I have a scratch ticket I know is a winner that I haven’t scratched yet. It could be a free ticket which is five bucks. Or enough money to make my ass stop whining about money for a good while. Here is to Lottery money. Life is stranger than fiction. My father knows a guy who won a million dollars from a convenience store he buys scratch tickets from all the time. So shit, you never know. The top prize isn’t retire money but it is pay off bills and have a nice saving money.  Which my plan would be to move back to Boston and be a student with a part-time job if I scratch to victory of top prize. So nice to fantasize. I say always dream. My dream of pregnancy has come true. I am scared shitless that something is going to go wrong. But looking back three years ago. I wanted it, but all I could think is I can’t afford it and it is not going to happen. Now my life is turned around and it is happening. As I said Life is stranger than fiction. I couldn’t have scripted my life at this point. I have a lot fears. Which I am going to talk to my therapist about my next appointment. Other than that all is good in the hood. I can’t wait to get off work. I want a hamburger big time. Or a big salad from Golden Corral. We will see which way I go when I get off work.

Making it another day!

I am sick but not as sick. So hard to explain. I went shopping for maternity clothes. I was very disappointed. There isn’t much in the sections and they are expensive. We ended up at the thrift shop in the plus size section. I am going to get some maternity tank tops and figure it out. I also need some additional maternity pants which I think I can find online. I am still comfortable in my regular pants. I am afraid one day I am going to pop and not be prepared. I am not ashamed to where my one pair of pants for several days.

A guy from college got in touch with me via Facebook to meet. He was in town. I felt like he was squeezing me in. He couldn’t tell me ahead of time he was coming into town. The fact that he doesn’t have my phone number and contacting me through Facebook says a lot. I feel fat, have pimples on my face and tired as hell. It wasn’t going to happen. I have to say I been feeling lonely lately.

My aunt wants to come visit. She has her own agenda. I told her if she thinks I am driving her around town, then that is a hell no. When she is here I usually try my best to do what she wants. My therapist told me I am not responsible to take someone everywhere they want to go when they visit. I told her this and she agreed a few months ago. No she is back saying when do you want me to visit. I have no energy to entertain anyone. I am freaking tired. I lay in the bed all day on the weekends. I have to push myself to do everything. So unless she wants to sit in the house I suggest she does not come and visit me. My aunt doesn’t like hearing the word no. She told me I was mean. She wants to go to this hairdresser her daughter in law had at her wedding. I am not the hair chick. So I don’t get why this is so important. Also not my problem. She can keep asking I am going to tell her the same answer. I am not taking you to some hairdresser 40 minutes away from my house to wait or come back for you. It is freaking hair. I say this as my hair has been looking beyond crazy these days. I am going to have to figure out what the hell I am going to do with it one of these days. As least as possible is what I feel at the moment.

So if I don’t care about my own hair. I damn sure don’t care about hers. Sorry I have no time to worry about anyone else. Me and pumpkin as my mom calls the baby. My main and only concern. If your mad be mad. I have to say I don’t care and I mean I really don’t care.