Anxiety!!

Why when I mention to anyone I have Anxiety they think they can fix it with logic. I know they mean well, but it doesn’t work that way. I have worries that turn into anxiety. Anxiety is not rational and can’t be cured with rationals. My parents feel if they tell me to stop it enough it will go away. My therapist understood where I was coming from. I asked her if I could discontinue our relationship. She said I was doing well and she wouldn’t worry about me if we did end therapy. But she thought it would be best for me to get over my anxiety first. I agreed, so that is what we will be working on. She gave me homework. I will start working on it tonight.

I am getting bigger and have quite a few request for baby bump pictures. I am going to work on taking some soon. I am not a fan of getting fat. Okay I know I am pregnant not fat. I feel fat!!! If I sit to long my bones feel stiff and I have to walk around my office every now and then. Getting out of bed in the morning has turned into a new type of torture. I am so damn tired and want to sleep and sleep.

I will get to sleep on Sunday. On Saturday I am going to my first consignment sale. Yes, I don’t mind buying used. Some friends have given me grief about buying used. Clearly we are not on the same page. Also if they want to spend their money that is fine. I don’t like being looked down on, how I spend my money. My friend offered me her crib. I was thrilled. I was going to have my father buy a crib. He is off the hook for that. I will have to move it to Boston, which I will have to suck up. I don’t know how much it will cost to move, but we will see. Especially hiring movers.

My mom is going to paint my room and the baby room. She is going to get it professional done. Which shocked the hell out of me. My mother acts like she is a world-class painter. She gets paint every where. But what can you say it is her house. I appreciate she is doing this for me. Now my lazy ass have to get to a Home Depot or Lowes to pick out some colors. Did I tell you my motivation to do anything is totally shot. My house is a disgusting mess. To make it worse I don’t care!!!! I wish I did care. I am completely tired all the time and can just wash some dishes and barely make my bed. I told my aunt I have to be motivated to wash clothes. She gave me shit about that statement. I told her whatever, I meant what I said. I have to be MOTIVATED to wash clothes.

My fear and anxiety of the unknown is harsh. Most of it having to deal with money and logistics of what my life will be. The big changes and how will I deal. I know I am smarter and wiser since I left Boston the first time. I am praying it is going to be easy to be employed.

I know I say this all the time, but if some money hit my way 80% -90% of my anxiety would be gone. Hey a girl can dream. I haven’t allowed my father to tell his sister. His family is all over Facebook and I don’t want my pregnancy posted there. I had one friend tell me she wanted to tell everyone. She is proud of me. I appreciate she is proud but it isn’t her business to tell. I am a very private person to people I don’t consider personal friends. If you are a person friend I will tell you every damn thing. Random people I don’t know or what I wouldn’t consider a personal friend knows nothing about me.

Plus family that really hasn’t included me in their life I am not in a rush to tell. They can find out when the baby is born with all finger and toes.

I am excited about the consignment sale I am going to rack up hopefully. I am going to a consignment store today after work. My friend told me they have buy one get one free. Work is dragging, and I am trying to stay motivated. I wish there was a motivation pill. I would totally invest!!!

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I passed emissions!!!

I know this might seem like something small to most, but it made my day yesterday. The light on my dash has been on for a long time. It was on last year. I went to my mechanic and he told me I needed a new cadalitic converter and a H2 censor. Totally 600 bucks. Last year the light popped off. I ran to the emissions place and I passed. Well the light popped back on a week later. This year I had to do it again. The light has been on for months. This weekend I was going to pay the 600 on my credit card to get it taken care of. I have to pass emissions. I woke up yesterday morning and the light was not on. Could this happen again I thought? I told myself if the light was off by the time I left work I was going to get my emissions test again. It was still off I passed again. Damn god has been on my side. I know I will have to take an emissions test when I get to Boston. But for now, I do not need to get in anymore debt.

Before I drive back to Boston.  I will get a good tune up. Right now I am great with my Honda CRV. My father said I should have a head of grey hair because I worry so much. I actually don’t have grey hair. If I do, I don’t see it. I do worry a lot. There is allot going on in my life. Shit it isn’t easy. I wish when my parents tell me to stop. I could just stop. Life isn’t that easy. At least not for me!!!

Pregnancy Brain!!

I forgot my therapist appointment. I felt horrible missing it. I hate wasting people’s time. Thank god she didn’t charge me for the session. We rescheduled until next week. I need to talk real bad. I am having anxiety over my life and how it is going to change. I have so many things I have to do when my baby gets here. I know my biggest worry is money. I know that is everyone worries. It doesn’t make me special. I do not regret all I did to get pregnant. I just don’t want to worry anymore!!!

Not sick, but feeling fat!!

I know myself very well. Weight issues have consumed my life for a long time. I am feeling huge and I am only half way through. I know I am pregnant, but damn. My co-worker made my day when she told me my baby bump was not that big. She showed me a picture of her daughter in-law at around the same time. My bump looked around the same as hers. I told her you made my day. She is going to take me to a baby consignment sale in February.

My mother and I had a great conversation. I asked her if she thought we would get along with me living there. She said yes. She is no longer doing her drug of choice. Which has been almost ten years. I have to say god is beyond good. She is not the same person, and I have to agree with her when she says that. She also said that is your child. I am the babysitter when you are at work. I thought I love that my mother and I can have conversations without yelling and screaming. It is a very beautiful thing. I love my family. Now I haven’t lived with them or close to them in 13 years. So I might be singing a different tune when I get there. But I have to say I love them dearly even thought they drive me completely crazy.

This is a big and new chapter in my life. I have to say I am beyond scared. So many things are up in the air and have to work out. Moving is going to suck big time.

My boss has joined me and my employee lottery addiction. He has one 750 bucks. I have some tickets on my night stand. I am going to scratch them this weekend. Money wouldn’t take away all my fears. More than half of my fears would be gone instantly!!!!

Happy New Year

I know I am a little late. Forgive me I am pregnant. I know that is no excuse, but it is the only one I got at the moment. I have been using that excuse for my many procrastination’s. I went to the fetal medicine doctor and everything looks great. I said if everything looks great then do I have to keep coming back here. He said yes. You have bunch of problems. Fibroid s and the medicine you take. I am was thinking gee thanks. All in all good appointment. Every organ in the baby is doing well. Thank GOD!!!

I know I shouldn’t be worrying, but I can’t help it. By the time I get to Boston I am going to be in a lot of debt. My co-pay for my insurance is now 50 bucks for 2014. What the hell can I expect. The insurance is kind of crappy. My cousin has great insurance. She pays high but it seems to cover everything. That is what I am talking about. I am nervous about finding a job in Boston. I haven’t been on an interview in six years. I know I need to focus on the present. It is hard sometimes. I am sick of people just telling me to stop worrying. If it was that damn easy don’t they think I would do it. CRAZY. I got some pictures.2014-01-07 14.36.37 (1)