I will be 39 years old on Thursday. I have no plans for my birthday. I will be at work and it will just be another day. I am shocked how close to 40 I am. I will be 26 weeks pregnant by tomorrow. My mother keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. I have no wants other than a money windfall. I don’t see any gifts that I desire for my birthday. I have been blessed with a stomach full of my best gift ever. I been shopping for her like I have no sense. Granted at consignment sales. So I don’t feel to bad about it.
I need to do my taxes. I am thinking about completely fixing my car if I get enough back. One less thing to worry about. I am going to work on it this up coming weekend. It will be pretty simple. I really need to tally all the medical expenses of the last year. Once I get that together I am sure my taxes will take less than an hour. I use Turbo tax.
I am waiting for the nurse to call me back. My hands are swelling at night. I wake up and my hands hurt. Until I move them around then after about five minutes they are back to normal. I need to know if this is normal. I don’t want it to be a sign something is wrong and I ignore it. I am also very stiff when I sit for to long. Which is difficult because all I do at my job is sit at a computer.
My stomach is sticking out a lot. I am also not eating a very good diet. It has been so hard to get on track. I have 14 more weeks. I finally sent out my baby shower invitations. A few people already received them. I only purchased 40 and I only have once left. Which is for me to put in the baby book. I was shocked I used them all. Half were sent out-of-town for people I doubt will be coming. My aunt is coming and that is about it. Everyone keeps asking about my mother. She will be coming for three to four weeks once the baby is born. It doesn’t make sense to spend more money on another plane ticket. She will be a big help when she gets here.
My apartment is tight quarters so I hope we don’t kill each other in those few weeks. I can’t take any time off when my aunt gets here. I am saving all my time for maternity leave. We will have to make due. It is all coming together and my anxiety is still there, but working on them. It is so funny that people keep minimizing my anxiety. When I mention it I get stop worry about that focus on the baby. Okay to tell my mind to just stop doing something does not work. I wish it did, Life would be a whole lot easier. I know they are trying to help, but that is not how anxiety works. Shit if all the doctor had to say is stop doing that. This world would be a whole different kind of place!!!
I am always cold in my office. I have had a fleece jacket on every day. It also covered my baby bump. Which I have to say I was getting sick of all the attention. I also noticed everyone at work did not know I was pregnant. Today at work I felt fine not cold at all. So today was the day to walk around with my baby bump in full view. I know it is a beautiful thing. With my body image issues and not the one who likes to be the center of attention it is hard to deal with.
I went to the therapist yesterday. She just let me talk, which I went on and on about random things. It is nice to have someone fully focused on you. I am going to another consignment sale with my co-worker tomorrow. I want a swing. Also I feel I have a lot of sleepers. I want more cute outfits. After this week these sales are going to be coming back to back. I need to decided which ones I am going to hit up.
I couldn’t sleep last night and woke up this morning like I could sleep for ten more hours.
I been feeling lonely. Most of my adult life has been spent dating. Since that is off the table for a while, I am missing the male attention you receive from dating. Work is also taking on a new struggle of staying focused. I am still buying lottery tickets with the fantasy of getting out of the rat race completely. This fantasy can help me get through many boring hours at work. I wonder does anyone else Day Dream at work???
I have three months to go and I want to know what my daughter looks like. It is a present I have no choice but to wait and see. Which totally sucks. I am going to do the 4D ultrasound. I am going to wait until I am further along. I feel like I am missing something or need a check list of what I am going to need.
I notice everyone has their own list of what they found useful and not useful. It seems more of personality and preference thing. I am less stressed about the future. Not gone but not taking up as much of my brain anymore. Thank god for little miracles.
I went to my appointments. They were delayed and pushed to this week due to the weather. The specialist nurses said I look great not big at all. Then I got this not to friendly midwife at my regular OBGYN appt. She said I was gaining two much weight.
I discussed this with my friend. She made a good point. This lady has no knowledge of my past weight struggles. Yes I gained 25 pounds in six months. I have been no to gain that much in two months when I am really eating. I know I am not eating right, but the lady pissed me off. Not because of what she was saying. She was so damn cold about it.
In other news my boss gave his notice. In a company meeting which I missed due to my doctors appt. It was said I got it covered. I didn’t like that because in no way do I feel I have this man’s job covered.
Then my boss who is leaving seems to have vested interest if I stay or go after maternity leave. He made the statement about not going home and living with my parents. Interdependence blah, blah. I am thinking why do you care you are leaving. Also I let him know he was the only one with that view. Everyone else told me to go home. Family is invaluable. Plus I am not someone who messed up got laid off or destitute and moving home. My mother would benefit greatly from me moving home. Not just emotionally but financially. I plan to get a job and pay most of her household bills. I let him know ever family situation is different. He had a clear view which seems to come from his family experience. The fact is I have done a lot better than both my parents. I will probably get a job making more money then either of them have ever made. I can not make my decisions on a corporations needs. They don’t make any decisions based on mine. I could get laid off at any moment. What do I say, you can’t do that I have bills to pay. They do what is right for their company. I do what is right for me!!!
I am going to my therapist tonight which I almost forgot about again. Thank god it hit me and I will be there. I need some guidance. Life has been pretty lonely. I haven’t stressed that much about all the things that will be on my plate. My baby showers will be in early April. I really need to finish that registry. I am going to work on that and my resume by the end of this week. I need to be on my toes at all times.
I cleaned my house. I have no idea what got me motivated. Sunday I got up cleaned the kitchen, bathroom and living room. I even vacuumed. My bedroom still looks crazy, but the rest of the apartment looks great. I washed all the baby stuff and have it in a big bin and in a corner. I really need to head to Home Depot and pick out colors for my mom. I need to be more proactive instead of the constant lazy trend that has taken over my life.
It still hasn’t hit me that I am going to be a mom. I keep wondering how I will balance motherhood and social life. My mom tells me stay home with your baby. I thought that was funny since that is not what she did. I am sure I will get into some kind of routine with my life of singlemotherhood. My anxieties are still there but not screaming in my head, day after day. I was working on my registry and invitation for the baby shower have been purchased. A friend of mine is doing it at her house. She wanted to change her mind and do it at the clubhouse in her neighborhood. I told her I am not hard to please. Why pay when she can do it at her house. She has a very nice house. Even thought it isn’t an open flour plan I think it will be perfectly fine. I am shocked that I have 20 people on my list to invite.
I am such an introvert loner the number shocked me. I also have several people out-of-town to send an invitation to. I am not the type looking for gifts. What ever someone want to buy me I am all for, or if they don’t want to buy something that is fine too. I think it is tacky to expect gifts. I don’t know anyone’s financial situation or if they wanted to do it. I was going to send a cousin an invitation even thought I didn’t tell her I was pregnant. My aunt said I was being childish. Then I brought it up on the forum and someone stated It might look like I am looking for a gift. I am not looking for gifts and I would never want it perceived that way. So I opted to not send it. I thought it would be a fun conversation started hey I am pregnant. Oh well no invitation to her if, it will start some kind of controversy. The truth is I have been very closed lipped to family.
I am not feeling the report my business to people who I am not really involved in their lives in any way. They will no when I post her picture on Facebook. If our only interaction is on Facebook then that is where you should find out. My aunt wants me to tell because she talks to that side of the family more. They will probably ask her why she didn’t say anything. She can tell them because I asked her not to. No ones business. Are they going to be big in this child life. The answer is NO. The people who are in my live have the information!! That works for me. I am not concerned about anyone else.
I am now addicted to consignment sales. I got a bunch of baby equipment for 80 bucks. I am going to add pictures that I found online. The ones I gotten might be older models, but I couldn’t believe the discount. I am going back on Saturday for 1/2 off sale.
1) Rockin Bassinet
2) Pack n Play with changing table and bassinet
3) Fisher price bouncer
4) Baby carrier
and a few other odds and ends.
I finally stopped being upset about how I look. My co-worker is going to take a picture of me once a month from here on in. So I can document this for pumpkin. Can someone and I mean anyone send me some motivation. I am tired of looking at my dirty ass house. Things I should be doing, like going through my crap throwing things away. I go home lay in the bed and that is about it. Life has become very boring. My old roommates came over Saturday just to hang out. I was so happy. I was beyond board. There company was greatly welcome. Thursday I will be working on my baby shower invitations and registry. I have no idea what to put on a registry. My friend who is throwing the baby shower is going to help. Thank GOD!!!
I feel so lost with what to do next. I don’t know if this would be easier with a partner or not. The lazy ass men I dated in the past would not have been any help. Life is good, no complaints. Other then I didn’t win on my scratch ticket. I told my friend who is Catholic to pray to whatever saint can work that out for me. I don’t know much about Catholicism other than they pray to saints for different things. I told her, her prayers didn’t do it. So the dream house I been looking at online is out of reach once again. Oh well back to reality!! Why is my fantasy life so much better!!!
I am getting fat. I know I am pregnant. That still doesn’t help my body image issues of being over weight. In good news I think I am feeling baby girl move. I am not totally sure. I think that is what it is.
I have so many clothes for pumpkin it is insane. I been at so many consignment sales and racked up. I been told not to buy any more clothes. She won’t wear them. Well for 1.50 I am not concerned. Talk about great deals. I been washing them and folding and putting away. I am still at a loss for sizes. So I have been picking up all sizes. Some things I couldn’t leave. Liz Claiborne baby sweater. Who the hell knew Liz Claiborne had a baby line. Not me. I don’t buy her stuff for myself. For two bucks it was worth it to me.
I am still having anxiety. I know it will all come together, so way some how. But putting all the pieces together is stressing me out. I didn’t win big bucks on my scratch tickets. So I am still at my job chugging away for a paycheck and health insurance.
I was looking up car insurance rates in Boston. Can I say outrageous. I will have to suck it up I am sure. Pregnancy has been uneventful but not fun at all. I don’t think I have been this lazy in my life. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. I have to force myself to the basics. Life is good otherwise. Other than my anxieties which I am working on.