Life Changes!!

I know my life is going to do a complete change when I become a mother. I asked for this change. Actually I asked for a husband first. That is life, you can never plan it. You can pray and wait and see what happens.

I am not into reality shows at all. But in the mornings I seem to watch Make room for multiples or the baby story on the TLC channel. This morning it looked like a loving couple having twins. They already had two kids. I felt envy for how they worked together. I feel when you look into people’s life it can be manipulating to the mind. Meaning they are showing you what they want you to see. Like Facebook. No one is on their telling you their life sucks. Not even me. It is not the forum to tell all your business. Granted some folks do cross the line at times.

I know people in decent marriages and bad marriages and great marriages. They all say the same thing it is work. I understand that from past relationships. It was work, and what you are willing to put up with. Clearly I was not willing to put up with much because I am solo at the moment. I know some friends felt I had to high standards. Some of the things my married friends tell me I could never deal with. I don’t know that kind of love. I don’t want to know that kind of love.

I know my casual dating world will be on a hiatus for a while. Which is so difficult. I am the serial dater. I use to get mad when people call me that. But hey that is how you meet people. You put yourself out there. Well my dating has come to a halt for almost a year and half. I am so bad with dates. I know for a min I was dating my ex and trying to have a baby with him. I forget when that happened. I try to wash negative crap from my memory. I have been thinking about him lately. The last time I heard from him I hung up in his face. I felt I had some insanity going on there. If you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. How many times did I have to figure out that man was not going to change.

I am so proud of my cousin and aunt. They both have taking their health by storm and lost a considerable amount of weight on their own. Shit I am envious. How the hell do you wake up and make that change. I need to figure out that formula or secret code in my brain to make that happen. I know when I am thin and feel good about myself, my self-esteem and social life is always on a positive up swing.

I have taken to eating french toast and pancakes for dinner. I am really eating whatever I want clearly. I know that isn’t what the midwives what to hear. I am at the point I don’t care!!!

My life is on a time clock for change. When it isn’t just me in the world I need to worry about. I will be a mother. It is funny mother’s day is around the corner. I have to work on getting a card for my mom this weekend. I have been in my own world. Which doesn’t include cleaning. I have the little suit case out for my hospital bad. I have a few things in it but I need to get it together.

A friend of mine is giving me clothes for two babies. Her words. I am grateful for any gift to me and my child. She has a friend coming to Atlanta and I need to meet up with her to retrieve the clothes and other goodies. I am trying to look at all these changes in my life as major positives. I will begin my life as a mother in a different city and a lot more wisdom. I have to say I finally know what I want out of life. I need to get off my ass and work on achieving it.

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I can’t sleep!!

When I am laying in the bed I look at the walls. For hours I can’t fall asleep. Then when I finally do and it is time to wake up I am a zombie. I slept for an hour in my office at work. That was not enough. I am completely exhausted.

So moving is on my brain again. Hire movers our attempt to do this myself. I am going to get a quote and see how I feel about the amount.

I am ready to stay home, but when I did last Friday I was board by mid day. So I am not sure what to do. In some ways the carpel tunnel feels great. Certain movements it is still horrible. Whipping myself in the bathroom creates excruciating pain in my wrist. I have to do it so I work through it.

I called my mother at mid-night and asked her what she was doing. She said watching TV and about to go to bed. I let her go, but wanted to talk because I couldn’t fall asleep. I had a sleep issue before. I had a lot on my mind and couldn’t fall asleep. I am not feeling the same way. Then I couldn’t turn my brain off. I don’t feel that way now, but maybe it is subconscious. I will be a mother very soon. The physical part is taking a major tool.  Walking to the bathroom around my office, I feel this pain in my pelvis area.

I have nine scratch tickets I have been holding on to. Clearly my days haven’t been that bad or I would have scratch them. Or I forget about them when I get home. Which is more the truth. When I get home I try to get something done. Take a shower and try to go to sleep.

I sterilized all the bottles this weekend. I made sure to wash my hands all the time. I used the microwave sterilize. Mainly I have a bunch of Dr. Brown bottles. Also glass bottles I got very cheap from Wal-Mart. When I sterilized them I put them all together and there is a cloud of water on the inside of these bottles. I got the sterilize from the consignment sales. It was brand new and I just found where I put the directions. I am going to read them and see if I have to do this again. Dr. Brown bottles have so many parts I couldn’t fit many bottles in there at a time. So this should be very interesting to do it again.

In two weeks I will be full term. She really beats me up from the inside sometimes. I am glad to feel her move. I feel she is doing alright when I see my stomach moving up and down. Here is to a healthy baby girl coming my way!!!!

Hospital Bag!!

I have been trying to get my hospital bag together. I have been asking everyone what was important to them. Everyone has a very different answer. I am starting to understand each hospital might have different kinds of snacks. If they have snacks at all. Some hospital have great food. Others don’t. I think I am done all shopping for my hospital bag. I am going to put it all together this weeks.

I am not looking forward to the delivery. I am scared to death actually. I am also nervous I am going to have this little person and have no idea what I am supposed to do. I am hoping and praying my instincts kick in. I have a lot of appointments coming up. I will be 35 weeks very soon. Almost full term in a couple of weeks. I took Friday off. I am ready for work. I was so board on Friday. I know I am not going to feel like waking up tomorrow. Especially since I really didn’t get out of bed until 2pm today.

It is 11pm and I watching The Game of Thrones. My new obsession. I am so envious of this man imagination. He has about 15 stories going at one time. I find it so incredible. I need to stop being so lazy and work on the books I have in progress. They been in progress for longer than I want to admit.

Motivation is what I plan to work on. Motivation with my writing and weight loss and body. I want the body I truly desire. There is this girl I went to high school with. She went from a size 18 (what her pictures looked like) to a body builder wearing a bikini. I am so impressed. I want that switch to click in my brain and I finally get the body I want also.

My focus now is having my baby. All these other things are a check list for the future.

Dr Appt!!

I took the gestational diabetes test again. I went to my OBGYN appt. today. The midwife blasted me about my weight. I gained a total of 40 pounds I am 81/2 months. I already had a complex about my weight before I got pregnant. Now these folks could drive someone to drink as much as they harp on it.

It could also be a problem because I see a different midwife every time. I have seen them all once. Now I am working on seeing each one again.  I called my aunt and she made me feel a lot better. My co-worker did also. It is funny when I go to the specialist I haven’t got one comment about my weight. Now am I happy about 40 pounds. Hell no!! If you been reading my blog. You would know this baby journey was not simple or easy. I am still paying off the thousands +++ dollars I paid to that fertility clinic that did not bring me a baby. That is when the food got out of control and I was trying to comfort myself.  I was so upset it wasn’t happening. I even started seeing the therapist at this time.  I was having so many issues coping with possibly not having a baby. So I gained weight then. I am 87 pounds away from my ideal weight. Not 40 pounds. Yes I gained 40 pounds walking into their office. But the truth is after I have this baby I am trying to get to my ideal weight. Not just my pre-pregnancy weight.

I asked her if there is any way I can have this baby early. She said we don’t do that anymore. There needs to be a medical reason. I am over being pregnant. I want a happy healthy baby don’t get me wrong. But I am ready for this stage to be over.  I am ready to see my baby and become a mother. Then work on all that needs to be done. Weight included. I think I am going to join the program I was in again. I haven’t made the total choice yet. When my mother is here I will try to make the decision!!! This weekend I am working on my hospital bad for just in case. To be ready if when this baby is ready to make an appearance.

I am grateful for so many things. I am sick of wasting my thoughts and time on my weight.

Doctor’s Note!!

I went to the physical therapist for my carpel tunnel. He gave me a shot in my wrist. I think it made it worse. He also supplied me with a doctor’s note. Meaning I could get out of here and sit home on short-term disability. Which sounds like a plan. Except I get 60% of my pay. Also I would be bored out of my mind. There isn’t much to do at home. I am 34 weeks soon. I am sure I will be leaving this place in  four more weeks.  One way or another.

I am sick of being pregnant. I want this baby to be totally healthy. But I am not enjoying it at all.  I am not that busy at work. I working on the temp taking care of all my responsibilities. That is what will happen when I am gone.  She is a friend I actually met at this job who was laid off. This is the first time I ever got someone I know a job. First I think she is perfect for it. But it also makes me feel good to help someone.

Eventually I am going to have find me a new job. I hope it goes smoothly. There are a lot of things I hope go smoothly. Right now I hope I can sleep tonight. I am having the hardest time falling asleep. Then getting up is some new type of torture.  According to my pregnancy app. I have six more weeks. I am hoping for four. They say two weeks early two weeks late. Lets get the early!!!!!

I cleaned !!

I finally got the motivation to wash the last of the baby stuff. I cleaned the living room, kitchen, and bathroom. My bedroom is last on the list. I feel like a big ball of crap. I don’t know how other to describe it. I am so tired and feeling like I need to throw up. I am also having a few pelvic pains. My carpel tunnel is getting worse. I am going to see a physical therapist today. I am trying to get the temp up to speed at my job. I am feeling I am not going to make it too much longer.

Old Friend and Crushes!!

How do I have a friend for 10 years that I have met one time. I met him at a club ten years ago. Anyone who knows me in a social arena, knows I can talk to anyone. Especially when my confidence is high. Which usually corresponds to how fat or thin I am.

My cousin and I went to a club. When I say we had fun, that was an understatement. We danced all night long with a barrage of good-looking guys. When we were about to leave I see this very handsome body builder type guy in the lobby with a frown on his face. I take this opportunity to speak. I said you are not having a good time. We get into a conversation. He said I touched his butt. I don’t remember doing that, but I will admit it wouldn’t have been out of my character. He was visiting from NC. He attempted to set up a one night stand. I didn’t go for it. We did exchange numbers and talked on and off ever since.

He did a lot of contracting for companies outside of the U.S. So we stay in touch emails, Facebook, and when he is in the U.S. the phone.  I have sent him a few care packages over the years. We were on the phone to almost 1am last night. I know this doesn’t make sense with my complaining about being tired every day. Which that problem has not gone away. I almost didn’t make it work this morning. But I was having such a great conversation with him. Years ago I thought could we ever be an item. My answer now is no. Our friendship is great and that is good enough for me.

I also talked to a guy friend from college yesterday. Now this guy I had a major crush on. Nothing happened between us. He was not interested in me at all. I was put off because he slept with everyone at school. Me he had no interest in me. I was hurt. Granted I didn’t want to be a booty call. But damn what am I Godzilla. We slept in the same bed one night. A twin size college dorm bed. It was like sleeping with my brother. Nothing at all happened.

Years later I got up the courage to ask him what was up with that. He told me he thought of those women as just a piece of ass. He had more respect for me to treat me that way. That put a major smile on my face. We have stay in touch on and off since 1997. I do remember this girl he was sleeping with, didn’t like me. She had nothing to worry about. He treated me totally like a little sister. But when I came to his dorm she said something off to me. He jumped in and immediately told her, you will not talk to her that way. I know he cares for me in a friend/family type of way. I am totally over that crush.

I still have to admit my high school crush is still alive. I doubt I will ever have the chance to do anything about it. He is in Boston with four kids. He hit me up on Facebook a few years back. My heart fluttered like it did when my locker was across from his in the high school hall way.

I actually had a lot of crushes in my Boston years. I was fat with low self-esteem. So I wouldn’t do anything about them. When I moved to Atlanta 100 pounds lighter I took this city by storm. If I found a handsome or sexy man I would not hold back. I met my first boyfriend when I was here three months on the train. I looked at this man and had an instant attraction. I told myself he will be mine!!. Long story short he ended up being mine. Until I kicked him out. I miss that type of confidence. I was over the top with it back in the day. When I wasn’t successful I would instantly tell myself his loss and move on.

I do have a fetish. Not the only thing I date, but when I find it I am so turned on. A black man with different color eyes. Not the standard brown. I have dated all kinds of men, but it is something exotic about a black man with eyes that can look through you. I have dated black men with Blue, Green, Hazel eyes.  That fetish started when I was 16 and fat and I had crush on this guy I met on the church van. No I didn’t go to church, but my aunt was a member of this church. They had events for teenagers on Friday night. You drop your teen off. They take them somewhere. Movies, bowling etc and then they drop the kids at home. I was head over heels for this your black guy with hazel eyes. He didn’t look at my big butt once. How about he is my Facebook friend and married now. But I have dated men that look ten times better than him living in GA. I really feel I was trying to prove something when I got here. I am not a mud duck. I can have attractive men I wanted. Attractive men want me. Now I just want an average guy who treats me well. He does not have to be overly attractive. I am totally out of that phase.

Granted when will I date again. I have no idea. I need to focus on having this baby and getting my life together in a new state!!! Then once the dust settles dating will be on the agenda!!!!

I need Sleep!!

I feel like I could sleep for 100 years. I am beyond tired. I am not falling asleep early anymore. I use to be asleep by 8pm. Now my body won’t let that happen. I am asleep by 10pm. Some night I sleep through with several bathroom breaks. Other nights I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep for hours.  It is so random when any of this happen. The consistent part is of the deal is it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. I feel like I am going to pass out every day from being tired.

I also decided my child drains every bit of hydration from my body. My lips are dry. My skin is dry. It doesn’t matter how much water I drink. I am so tired doing my hair is not an option. I spray water on it and brush into a pony tail. Which the hair with in this pony tail has not been combed or brushed in weeks. It is a knotted mess. When ever I do get to it with a comb I am sure I am going to have to cut out the knots. The funny part is I could careless. If I have to shave my head and start over again. OH WELL!! I don’t have the time or energy to touch it other than water and pony tail. I know I am not the first person to have a baby. How the hell do they do this with other small kids.

I was watching a YouTube video and this guy who just had twins was discussing all the issues. They also have another child that looks about 2 1/2. So said a shout out to all the people who have twins and all the single mothers. He had a lot of respect, because with him his wife family and friends they were struggling.

I have come to the conclusion people do what they have to do. I know there will be times I want to pull my hair out and scream.  Like this morning when it was time to wake up for work. I felt like I hadn’t slept in ten years.

I am getting sick of my mother’s comments sometimes. When I complain, she says you wanted a baby. I know that, but I still can complain. She drives me crazy with that comment. I remind her, You wanted a grandchild. She doesn’t seem to remember years ago when all her friends had grandchildren. She wanted one also. She told me go get pregnant by someone and come home and we can raise it. Yeah that is how bad she wanted to be in the grandmother club. With me being her only child she was going to pimp me to get it done for her.

Yes I want this baby with all my heart. But no this was not plan A.  A co-worker asked me today if I was nervous about being a single mother. I have much respect for this person. She hasn’t asked me any questions about the daddy. It was clear I was doing it by myself and she left it like that. I told her I am not worried about being a single mother. I was worried I would never get the chance of being a mother at all!!!!

Getting ready for baby!!

I am starting to get my stuff together. Which is hard to do when you have no energy. I also wish I was already in Boston. It would be easier on the brain. To know I am going to have to pack up all this crap and move it across country is stressing me.

I put together the pack n play I bought second hand. It was clean no stains but smelled musty. I was tired and had it set up in my room. I woke up in the middle of the night and that smell was bothering me. I couldn’t take it. So yes I woke up at 1am on Saturday morning and started cleaning the damn thing. I was looking at YouTube video’s and reading articles of the best way to do this.

I didn’t have a hose. Also had no place to leave it outside to dry. I took this one woman’s advise and dropped it in the tub with detergent and baking soda. Then all the accessories except the mattress and changing table, I put in the washing machine. I washed the mattress and changing table with a sponge. I put towels in my living room floor. Set up the soak and wet pack n play on the towels. Then I had a fan on it all night.

Now it is set up in my room with out that musty smell. First mom duty completed. I am very proud of myself.

The bottles ugh. Everyone has a difference preference to which bottles to use. I did get a positive review on the Playtex bottles. Less clean up was the main pro to these bottles. But everyone complained that the inserts eventually start getting expensive.

I received and purchased a lot of these Dr Brown bottles. So that is what I am going with. With the only reason being is I have them already. Now I need to sterilize them. Everyone uses the boiling method. I want to use the microwave method. Which I am going to attempt this weekend. I know am going to have found my own way with this stuff. What I feel comfortable with, I wish I had more confidence with my choices.

I am going to the therapist tonight. Which I need, but I am beyond tired and really want to go to sleep at my desk right now. I will make it, because I do need it. My anxiety has been going down, not completely gone!!!

I been thinking about calling my ex boyfriend. It is strange that I miss him. I guess it isn’t strange I did love the man. Being that the last time he called I hung up in his face. I also didn’t have a nice conversation with him prior to that. I come to the conclusion that I am lonely. He is comfortable to me. Granted he has no idea I am pregnant. I know I need to move on in my life without him in it. I just want some companionship. I know husband aren’t always useful in these situations. These are the times I wish I had one.

Successful People!!

I envy successful people. More so people who have a dream and actual live it. Having this baby is a blessing. I worked towards it and it happened.

But the success I am talking about is writing a book, going into business for yourself.  Starting a non-profit. Being a total risk taker. I am more the safe person. Even with my life now. I have it planned out as much as I can. The parts I don’t have planned or can’t control makes me very nervous.

I always think of projects and begin them and never finish them. I am a horrible time manager and very lazy when it comes to my personal life. I feel like I could have been so much further and successful if I wasn’t such a procrastinator.

I am not down on myself, just need to work on a few flaws. Time management being the first. Which I am sure is going to come into play in a major way when my baby gets here. Also stop being such a procrastinator. I wish I could hit a switch and those two things will be fixed. But that is my dream world at work again!!!