I know my life is going to do a complete change when I become a mother. I asked for this change. Actually I asked for a husband first. That is life, you can never plan it. You can pray and wait and see what happens.
I am not into reality shows at all. But in the mornings I seem to watch Make room for multiples or the baby story on the TLC channel. This morning it looked like a loving couple having twins. They already had two kids. I felt envy for how they worked together. I feel when you look into people’s life it can be manipulating to the mind. Meaning they are showing you what they want you to see. Like Facebook. No one is on their telling you their life sucks. Not even me. It is not the forum to tell all your business. Granted some folks do cross the line at times.
I know people in decent marriages and bad marriages and great marriages. They all say the same thing it is work. I understand that from past relationships. It was work, and what you are willing to put up with. Clearly I was not willing to put up with much because I am solo at the moment. I know some friends felt I had to high standards. Some of the things my married friends tell me I could never deal with. I don’t know that kind of love. I don’t want to know that kind of love.
I know my casual dating world will be on a hiatus for a while. Which is so difficult. I am the serial dater. I use to get mad when people call me that. But hey that is how you meet people. You put yourself out there. Well my dating has come to a halt for almost a year and half. I am so bad with dates. I know for a min I was dating my ex and trying to have a baby with him. I forget when that happened. I try to wash negative crap from my memory. I have been thinking about him lately. The last time I heard from him I hung up in his face. I felt I had some insanity going on there. If you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. How many times did I have to figure out that man was not going to change.
I am so proud of my cousin and aunt. They both have taking their health by storm and lost a considerable amount of weight on their own. Shit I am envious. How the hell do you wake up and make that change. I need to figure out that formula or secret code in my brain to make that happen. I know when I am thin and feel good about myself, my self-esteem and social life is always on a positive up swing.
I have taken to eating french toast and pancakes for dinner. I am really eating whatever I want clearly. I know that isn’t what the midwives what to hear. I am at the point I don’t care!!!
My life is on a time clock for change. When it isn’t just me in the world I need to worry about. I will be a mother. It is funny mother’s day is around the corner. I have to work on getting a card for my mom this weekend. I have been in my own world. Which doesn’t include cleaning. I have the little suit case out for my hospital bad. I have a few things in it but I need to get it together.
A friend of mine is giving me clothes for two babies. Her words. I am grateful for any gift to me and my child. She has a friend coming to Atlanta and I need to meet up with her to retrieve the clothes and other goodies. I am trying to look at all these changes in my life as major positives. I will begin my life as a mother in a different city and a lot more wisdom. I have to say I finally know what I want out of life. I need to get off my ass and work on achieving it.