My aunt use to say that I married my friends. I was never into my family. For many reason I wished I had another family. I never felt they had my back. Other than my grandmother who I wish was still alive.
All my family seems so selfish and have this need to be right. My aunt and I were yelling at each other this morning. I hung up in her face. I just can’t take her bullshit sometimes. She is the most controlling ass person I know. Something happened at her job and she told my cousin and I. We were not blown away or even moved by her drama at work. She was immediately pissed off. She told me we should be upset because she is upset. I said it doesn’t work that way. You can’t control my reactions. How sick is that. I know I have my own issues. Believe me. I have my own brand of crazy. Dealing with my family brand of crazy drives me insane.
For the most part my mother and I are getting along. I still with I had my own house. My own space, my own cleaning regimen. No one really cares that I feel like a fish out of water. I have lived on my own for over 15 years and I am feeling like I am 10 years old again. My aunt can dish is out but can’t take it. She can be mean judgmental and demeaning. You give it back to her she has toilet tissue feelings. Believe me I give it back I don’t have time to coddle a grown ass woman.
I have compiled some scratch tickets and wouldn’t it be lovely to win money to blow this pop stand. Some days I am feeling like I made a big mistake moving back home. Other days I face the harsh reality no matter that my aunt and mother can be the biggest bitches. They will need me sooner than later. They are old and need help soon. It also pisses me off that my cousin my aunt son can so retract out of this family bullshit. Granted when his ass show up it is like the Jesus has come and spoken and we must listen. I don’t command that much respect at all.
My mother is a clean freak that washes the floors on her hands and knees with a wash cloth. Where as my aunt rarely cleans anything and house is beyond crazy. I told her you have the money get a maid. Her answer I don’t know any. The woman I use to respect so much for her competence. Seems to not want to deal with life and deflects any chance she gets.
I know you can’t pick your family. I know other people have it worse. But damn what new hell am I in. I want an escape plan badly. We argued because I said I will be looking for a job in October. She said the bathroom might not be done. Now how the hell does she know this. We haven’t talked to the contracted. She just like to throw a monkey wrench into shit then when it starts an arguments she doesn’t want to deal with.
I called my cousin, who must have knew I was having issues. He didn’t pick up. I left a message. I am not stupid. My aunt swears I never recall any of conversation accurately. This is a woman who forgot to pay bills and said her memory is shaky. But my recall is off any times she needs to be right. To all my readers please pray for my ass. I am feeling like I really miscalculated this moving to Boston!!!! The one light is my mother joy of being with Ava and myself.
I have been neglecting my blog. Which I have no excuse for. Especially since I don’t have a job. I don’t know if I mention this in a prior blog. I was approved for unemployment. God is ridiculously great. Money I wasn’t expecting to enter my life was beyond what I expectation. I didn’t think I was going to get it for a while with all the drama and explanations needed.
I don’t want to neglect my blog. When I was reading other people blogs, I would hate when they wouldn’t update after a while. I might not be as consistent when I start working. Right now I have enough time on my hands to update it.
Living with my mothers has pros and cons. I love seeing how much she loves Ava. I know she is happy I am home. She is not one of those parents not wanting me to come back. She never wanted me to leave. Now that Ava and I are here she is thrilled. We run errands together. Which she loves. She hates to drive but has a car. She has a 1995 Geo Tracker with 75,000 miles. She said she puts 4 dollars of gas in her car a week. So being a passenger is her cup of tea. She loves sitting there while I drive us from place to place.
Now the fact that my mother is a control freak drives me crazy. She is the opposite of a hoarders. She loves to throw things away. Which drives me insane. She hates clutter. I am having adjustment issues with not living alone. I miss having my own place, and doing my own thing. Living with my mother is challenging to say the least. Not the worst situation and I am learning to suck things up and let it go.
I also am trying to work on not dating for a year. Making a commitment to not date until I get myself together is not that easy for me to do. I miss the attention of a man. More companionship than sex. I need some adult time. My mother watches Ava when she feels like it. Since I am not working that is her option. I haven’t been getting to the gym like I thought I would be. My mother enjoys the control of watching Ava when she feels like it. Since my child screams like someone is killing her when anyone else touches her. My babysitting options are pretty limited to my mother. Please god let her grow out of that.
My mother is still working two-part time jobs. She also has her life and the things she likes to do. My life is based on my daughters care. At this point I don’t know how I would date. Unless it is house date which I am totally against. You need to take me out. No sitting in the house watching a movie and not going anywhere. I refuse to start that, because it will create problems for later.
I am pretty much a stay at home mom. I have a new respect for women who stay at home. I could never work from home. I know it sounds good. I am not motivated in the house. I went to one of my meetings. This woman said she was a stay at home mom with a au pair and a husband. I was instantly jealous. My mother is great, but she is not my employee. So I can’t tell her what to do. Which makes it a whole different dynamic. My mother does what she feels like doing. Which I totally appreciate, but telling someone to do what exactly what I need. Not what they feel you need. Would feel great right now.
I am not adjusting very well to Boston. City living feels so tight. The streets are tight, driveway is tight. Even thought I lived in an apartment complex. I didn’t live in the city of Atlanta. So I didn’t feel so squished on a daily basis.
My baby sleeps like she has two full-time jobs. Which I am grateful. Yesterday she didn’t have her naps. Which my mother did not make me aware. Which I found out how a overtired three-month old acts like in Wal-mart. A damn fool is the words I would use. She had a crazy melt down. Now I need to watch out and make sure this child has her sleep.
I was getting my hair did. Which my stylist who is a gay boy. Gay men do great hair. He convinced me to dye it honey blonde. Granted all he said was that color would look good on you. That is all I needed to know. As I was sitting there with the cap on. I was thinking what the hell am I doing. As I am watching my hair change under the cap.
I am getting use to it. It is dramatically different. I felt I needed some different in my life. He also didn’t cause much pain while doing my hair. Which was great because it was a hot mess when I got there.
I have completed absolutely nothing today. I need to do better than this. Ava and I will be making our way to the park to walk tomorrow. I am getting to use to only going out with my mother and the baby. I need to go it alone. I have been thinking about having another one. I want a husband and a nanny. You never know dreams do come true. I still have my scratch tickets going. They just say Massachusetts instead of Georgia. If I win I am kicking out the tenants down stairs. Re model the whole house. Or find a suburb that makes me feel less cramped. Anything is possible.
I had a particularly busy weekend. Of my own making. I went to Ava god mothers house. She is starting to get use to people. Then we headed to my father house. They live in the same town. While we were visiting my father and step-sister. Which Ava let herself be passed around. I was totally shocked. When it was time to go. God mother says some one smashed your window. I said what. I didn’t hear what I thought I heard. She was right my window was smashed in. I swear my life amazes me. My father brushed the glass out and put a cardboard box over the window. I was so paranoid about glass. Ava car seat was in the backseat. I vacuumed the car twice today.
My father said he didn’t think it was a person. Maybe something hit it and it smashed. At first I thought yeah right. Then we discovered nothing was stolen. My GPS was still in the car. Plus all our purchases had not been touched.
So I been riding around with a cardboard box on my window. It looks so ghetto, but what can I do. I was hoping it would be fixed today so I wouldn’t have to drive around embarrassed. No such luck they don’t work on Sunday. They are coming to my house to fix it tomorrow. So happy it isn’t costing anything. Insurance taking care of it.
I went to another friends house and chilled out with her and her kids for a few hours. Ava went to her also. I started thinking where did this kid come from. She is being more agreeable to strangers.
I then when to the single mother by choice picnic. I met a lot of people it was very nice. Then I really felt bad. I asked a few women if they knew a blogger in the area. I been reading her blog for a few years. They said it sounds like this particular person. But she doesn’t have a blog. It started a big discussion. Then I found out a woman at the meetings read my blog. What a small world.
So my blog shero showed up. I really like her blog because she open and honest and makes me want to know more. There has been blog I just couldn’t take any longer. They never really said much. I knew it was her by her daughter’s name. She was shocked I figured it out. Then I realized others didn’t know about it. I said sorry a few times. Which I do believe her when she said it was okay. I still felt bad. If she wanted to be anonymous, I didn’t want to be the person to blow that for anyone.
If she ever reads my blog, I will say I really enjoy her blog, writing and family topics.
I thought I had a splinter in my foot. I ended up in urgent care. I was given a humongous needle in my foot and he took out glass. My mother broke a glass earlier this week. My foot is killing me. Due to the big part of my foot it looked like he cut off. I am exaggerating, but there was blood.
My mother has to go to work tomorrow. She has had the beginning of the week off, for the past few weeks. She will be missed.
I finally put Ava on a bath schedule. Which tonight was one of her bath nights. The child screamed like I was killing her. Even before I put her in the baby tub. She saw the tube and started screaming. Damn who knew almost three-month old is so smart. I let her scream, but she needed to be washed. This child shits a whole lot. I am not going anywhere with my child smelling crazy. We got through bath time. She screamed like I was killing her the whole time.
After the bath my mother who was so upset the Ava was upset, she grabbed her up. She started chanting mean mommy. Eventually Ava stopped crying. Usually she wants me, but mean mommy gave her a bath and she wanted no parts of mommy. After about twenty minutes my mother gave her back. She was laughing and smiling. My child has some short-term memory. Which I am grateful for. I don’t want her to think I am mean. At least not this early in life.
I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.
Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal. Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.
Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.
My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.
I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.
I had to wake up this morning to go to my weight loss meetings. I officially start tomorrow. I am excited and nervous. No more crappy food. I am not looking forward to eating right. I do use food as comfort. I am looking forward to a sexy small body.
I realized today, my child is antisocial. She cries when I give her to someone else. Which makes me feel so special. Then on the flip side makes me feel like I will never have a social life ever. We went to visit family today and every time they picket her up the tears came on.
Even my mother can’t get her to stop. I am really going to pray she grows out of that quick.
I stayed up to late last night. Like I was single and childless. I use to stay up late doing pretty much nothing but killing time. Then sleeping most of the morning. Well Ava was like get your butt up and feed me and play with me. I was praying for her to sleep longer. No luck.
Tomorrow I am going back to my weight loss meetings. I need to be there early in the morning. My mother is going to watch Ava. Which my mother is not a morning person either. Granted she hates me being fat. So she told me to go back to the meetings. Which I really need to facet that reality. I have a full day tomorrow. Then I need to meet my friend at the YMCA. She has clothes for Ava. We are then headed to my cousin’s house for them to see the baby. I got roped into doing that. Long story!! Then my mother wants to get some exercise and walk the park.
I really need to get use to being out all day with baby girl. I haven’t had to, and it has been great. I want to do things and enjoy life more. So I am going to have to put an end to being house bound. I still am waiting a decision for unemployment. Once I am given the green light, I am going to find a mommy and me class for me and baby girl. I also want to go to the single mother by choice meeting. Lots to do and get done.