September 24, 2014

I am in total love with this little girl. She has started waking up at 4:30 am in the morning. Granted she goes to sleep at 5pm. She is a very restless sleeper. I haven’t had a chance to put her in her nursery. It is getting close to completion. She hasn’t slept in there yet. Working on that. She has slept in the pack n play. It is getting cold in Boston. I purchases an electric blanket. It was helpful last night with the cold.

Waking up early I am beyond tired because I don’t go to sleep at 5pm. I wonder how I would feel if I did that one day.  I am sure I would be up in the middle of the night if I went to bed that early.

I am nervous about going back in the work force. I know I will have to go back, but I am not in a total rush. Granted sitting home isn’t as fun as I thought it would be. I have a total new respect for stay at home moms.

My mother and I had a major heart to heart.  She said when she gets on my nerves to say time out. I told her she was making me feel 12 years old. I know my mother doesn’t mean to make me feel that way.  I am coming back to the home I grew up with. She wants to play the mother card. I am an adult that has lived a lot of my life. I will be 40 at my next birthday. So I don’t need to be ordered around.

Motherhood isn’t easy!

I do not have an easy baby. I went to run some errands today and she screamed with my mother. Being a stay at home Mom is really making her so connected to me. She doesn’t like people. How the hell am I going to have a social life?? The doctor said she should grow out of it. I am looking forward to that. I got my toes done. They look great and I feel great with them done.

I bought a scratch ticket today. The lady pulled one I didn’t want. I bought it anyway. If you are a lottery player you understand. The accidents could be winners. Right place,right time. Any clerk mishap could my mistake to financial freedom.

Mommy Fail!!! I cut my daughters finger nails. They have been doing a number on me and her face. Well I drew blood by accident. It was the equivalent of a paper cut. It would not stop bleeding. She only cried for a minute. Something so small to make you feel like the worst mother in the world. I am still going to have to cut them from time to time. I will be more careful.

I met a woman who two out of three of her children have autism. I thought OMG why do we have so many cases of this now a days. I pray Ava is okay. I also decided I will make the choice by 42 if I want another one. Now if that clerk has made me a millionaire. I will be on the way to the fertility clinic as soon as I deposit my money. Got to keep the hope alive. Life is stranger then fiction!!!

Lonely!!!

I finally admitted I am lonely. I have my daughter which the best gift of my life. But I miss Georgia and my friends. Here all my friends except for her godmother is married with children. I have been over her godmothers house several times. I am thankful to her. She loves my daughter and buys her clothes. We have a great time hanging out. I am really feeling like a fish out of water. The house situation is calming down. We had an electrician fix the issues. The exterminator was here yesterday. The contractor has us on the schedule to re due the bathroom and roof. So all is great in that situation. I am very thankful.

I had a melt down yesterday and ate everything I could get my hands on. Which is not the best thing to do in my program. I was debating if I should be honest or just lie. I was looking at the clock and I was about to not call. Let my time go buy and text her later that I ate my ass off. That I am scared that I have gained a bunch of weight. Ava in the bed with my as usual. I am staring at the clock. I called and admitted it. She was so great and loving about it. I didn’t feel like the biggest failure in the world. I got on the scale this morning. I wasn’t supposed to, but I couldn’t help it. I have lost 5 pounds. Which is right on track for the middle of the month. God is good, but I have to get over these feeling and imprint on my new life in Boston.

I feel so isolated and lonely. I have a lot I can do with my spare time. I wish I had the motivation to do all I need and desire to do.

Peace in Boston!!

I know it is easy to share the bad. I need to focus on sharing the good also.  My mother asked me if I got her message. I am horrible at listening to my messages. I asked her what she said. I apologized for yelling at you. I looked at her and said Thank you!!

She was in such a good mood last night. When I was making bottles, I heard her have a very long conversation with a four-month old. It was completely hilarious. She asked Ava if she could watch her DVR of Judge Mathis. Then I walk in the room and Ava is sitting on my mother lap very quietly watching judge Mathis.

Things are good today. I have been sleeping entirely too much. I was supposed to go to the doctor today. My period came and I postponed the appointment. Ava is four months old next week. I can’t believe time is going so fast. She can turn her head and sort of roll over. She is more busy and not as she was. I would put her and one place and that is where she would stay. Now the head is moving the feet are kicking and she is going to be mobile soon. I am sure of it.

Aunt Flo strikes again!

I haven’t figured out when my period comes. I use to be so regular it was crazy. Which I learned doesn’t mean you can get pregnant because your period is regular. I felt it was coming for a couple of days. Well it is here. I am going to reschedule my doctor’s appointment. I can’t do all that with my period. I don’t like dealing with myself. Let alone with an audience. I did have some questions for the doctor. They will have to wait.

Today is Ava four months appointment. She will be getting shots today. Poor baby!!! My mom is so excited to go. I have my question written down. I already started giving her cereal in her bottles. Which she drinks down like there is no problems. Her gas has let up, but still there. I am trying to decided when I am going to head back to work. Staying home with a child all day is not what I expected. I love this little girl more than life itself. I need some adult time.

Tomorrow I will be picking my friend’s son up from school. I am learning that you give help, because I could need help. I always been a helpful person. I know I would eventually need help which I found out majorly when I had Ava. I also have to allow people to help when I need help. Which is not the easy for me to do. Can I hit a switch and fix me!!! I wish it was that easy.

Moving on!!

I learned today that my family and I will argue. Then the next day all is good in the hood. The arguments are dropped so quickly you can’t believe it. I think I am going to go with the flow. My mother and I argued twice two days ago. Now she is happy and not holding a grudge at all. A little crazy but okay I am the understanding of how to deal with this woman.

A friend of mine came over and put away most of Ava clothes. How thankful I am. I forgot there were in drawers scattered around the house. This child has so many clothes it is ridiculous. Nothing interesting to report today. The child is sleep at 5pm. She will be up early of course. I am a little board. Need to get myself together!!

Principles before Personalities

I swear if I had money I would be out of here and hire a nanny. I am going to scratch my tickets tonight and pray for some relief.

My mother and her twin sister could drive someone to drink to the point of passing out. I don’t understand the frustration and attitude these two generate. I would just hand up the phone and go about my daily life when I was in Georgia. Now I am here with no wear to turn.

Ava woke up at 3am this morning. It was unusual for her, but going back to sleep was not on her agenda. I was tired as hell. Thankful the electrician was not coming so I could sleep in the morning. I don’t know why but I can’t seem to shake this tired feeling. I know when I go to work it will be ten times worse. My mother juggles between Ava being her baby and when she annoyed or tired come get your baby.

Ava was sleep and I was right next to her knocked out. The door bell rang. WTH who the hell is that. I went to the door it is the electrician. I said why are you here you said you wouldn’t be here until Monday. Did your aunt tell you. Nope she said absolutely nothing. I let him and tried to go back to sleep. He let himself out. Once I got a few minutes of sleep I called my aunt and said why didn’t you tell me about the electrician. She got a instant attitude and told me she didn’t know what I was talking about. I didn’t care she didn’t know it was the attitude that pissed me off. What is with all the damn attitudes around here.

An hour later she said he left a message on her answering machine. Like opps but no apology for the stankness she gave me over the phone. I said whatever and got off the phone.

My mother called and I asked her if I could go out when she gets home. By myself shopping. I need sometime alone. She said okay. Then when she gets home she had all these things she needed to do. Now it is seven pm stores closes at nine. She yelled at me three times aggravated by I don’t know what. Again I am like WTF is up with all this damn attitude. I should have packed up my daughter and went out my damn self. I am sick of this power struggle with my mother and I. She loves the control Ava gives her over my life. I literally hate it.

I have to find a way to shake free of her grip or I am going to go straight crazy.

Finally getting nursery together!!!

I have Ava furniture. Thank you Jesus. I will never shop at Babies r Us again. Or at least the Dedham Massachusetts locations. I had nothing but problems from beginning to end. They are not customer service based at all.

1) The associated didn’t seem to want to sell me the furniture

2) Complaining to customer service was a waste of time. I clearly was calling India and they were reading from the script. When I finally got to a supervisor they told me all the other customer service people I talked to didn’t know what they were talking about.

3) They gave me $50.00 in gift codes. Which were 25.00 a piece that could not be used together. You also had to shop online.

4) The customer service line is for online and basically can’t do shit for the stores.

5) I was told on three different occasions a regional manager would contact me in 48 hours. Never happened

6)The deliver and assemble company were late. They said they were late because the store couldn’t find my dresser and made them wait an hour and half until they found it.

I wouldn’t be shocked if that sales consultant hide it.  I am so done with them.  I really feel when it comes down to it they suck and you can buy things online cheaper. Granted I needed someone to assemble.

I have been ordering things like crazy. Ava room is the first time I spent decorating in my life. I have an idea of what I want. I have a name decal. I am thinking about the tree decal for her wall. Her theme is Owls. I fell into that theme. My mother liked the bedding set.

I will share pictures once I am finished. I have a few more things to purchase and wait for delivery. I ordered the bedding set and a rug and night-light owl theme. A lot of people have a glider in the room. I am not sure if I want that or not. I am still thinking about it.

I am going to work on being more productive when I am home.  I am also trying to decided when I want to go back to work. Not an easy answer!!

Moving and shaking!

The electrician was here all day. Working on the house. He was really getting it done. I am so grateful for some progress in this house. He changed out all the sockets. Also the recessive lights in the dinning room now works. All the lights and plugs will be working soon. Also that the lights in the back hallway will be working. So I can do laundry when Ava is asleep. Pretty soon I need to look for a job. I don’t know how I feel about that. I have been so tired lately. I am going to discuss this with the doctor. I have no energy. My mother said I should take my medication at night. I am going to start that tonight. It does have the side effects of tiredness. But I have taken it in the morning for years and never been this damn tired all day.

I lost 9 pounds. 229 is my current weight. 64 pounds to go. I wish I didn’t have to go to work until I was slim and trim. Actual I wish I never had to work again. I could work on my many projects. My aunt told me I don’t live in the present. She has a point. I have to snap back my dreams come true. Look at my beautiful little girl I thought was not possible. I dreamed about her, I prayed for her and she is here. So I live in what could be in my life. I don’t see the problem with that.