I won the lottery!!

Before you start jumping for joy. I won 500 bucks. Which I appreciate don’t get me wrong. But it isn’t enough to get me out of the house of crazy. I love my mother and appreciate her, but I so need some space. She has a level of control being my only form of daycare. Which I actually did some research today. Finding a daycare close to this house was not an easy feat. I talk to an old friend and she has her daughter way on the other side of town. She also has a voucher. All the daycare asked for vouchers. I know as soon as I get a job I will make too much money for a voucher to work for me.

My mom drives me insane with her level of paranoia. She didn’t want me to cash my ticket by myself. I am thinking are you serious. This the same woman who will use her ATM card late at night in a Walgreen’s. I know what I have to deal with. I didn’t remember why I left this city and house in the first place. My father told me to look at the positives. There are a lot of them.

I might need to move in with the plumber for freedom from my family. Then I might be going from the pot to the frying pan. How can I win. Well you know I reinvested my scratch ticket money. Is there enough to get my own place and a nanny. That would be the greatest thing in the world right now. My mother can just be a grandma and not my primary support. It really makes me upset anyone has that level of control over my life.

I really should have thought all this through a lot better. Can’t cry over split milk. Moving on. I won 500 buck. How could I be mad about that. Today was a good day!!

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Getting myself together!!

My baby is having issues sleeping. Her rash is not gone. I would like to bring her to the doctor’s. But I have an appointment Monday on my own. My foot has been bothering me. My baby is having issues sleeping and the rash is not done. I am bringing her to the doctor’s on Tuesday.

I went to the harvest party at my friends church. Another girl from High School was there. She had three kids and seemed a little off. Still friendly and nice. The last I heard about her she was married. I remember her cheating asshole of a boyfriend. That is the guy she married. I only met the guy once. So a whole bunch of friendly conversation. Then she came into the bathroom when I was changing Ava. Things are not good in her life. Not going to share on here, that is her personal business. It is my mind walking into a place thinking wow she is married and have three kids, how lucky. Little did I know. Which was nothing about her life. When I was leaving I said I would call her. She said you aren’t just saying that. Which was a response that threw me off. Sounds like she doesn’t have that many friends.

I am going to reach out to her. Shit I need friends in my life. I just don’t need a draining friend. I need uplifting more than anything else.

I gave the plumber my number. Not sure why I did it. He is talking all this great stuff I want to hear. I don’t know his personality at all. So it is time to see if I would even be interested in this man. I am thinking not, but life is stranger than fiction.

Early morning wake up!

My child wakes up at 4:30am. Sometimes she makes it to 5:30am.

Tonight we are going to a harvest party. Churches do harvest inlue of Halloween. My mom said she wouldn’t go because it’s in Roxbury. Granted not the greatest part of town. I am not worried about going to a church.
Plus she gets to wear her Halloween outfit. There is a possible work contact at this shindig. My unemployment ends in two weeks so I better get hopping on a plan. I am not broke yet, but I also don’t want to be.
I realize my baby is a crier . When you hear it a lot you start getting amune to it. So miss thing doesn’t want to play or eat and is clearly fussy. Meaning she needs a nap. I put her in her crib and cries. With in ten minutes or less she is asleep. I was doing well with putting her in the crib until she got sick. Then I went into hugs and kisses mode. Plus I watch her on the video cam the whole time. She woke up today after fifteen minutes. Instead of rushing in there I let her cry for two minutes. She fell asleep again. She needs these naps. I got to do dishes and use the bathroom in peace. Which might seem like small things, but they aren’t to me.

My childs mood!!

Ava has been extra clings over the past two days. Crying her head off even with my mother. My mother is not convinced she will not babysit if I have another kid. The second kid could be easier than AVA. She is surely high maintenance. She cried for an hour when I left today. I feel bad that my mother is going through all this for my kid. I thank god for my mother. Even thought she treats me like I am 12.

Home ownership is overatted!

I owned my own home. I was not a big fan of owning. Having to be responsible for everything. So I am back home and they have been putting a new roof on our house for the past three days. My aunt is here saying she is supervising. Which I find funny since she knows nothing about a roof but okay. She is mad the contractor is not here. I told her the contractor sub contracts it out. She is mad he went 3k up on the estimate. Which I would agree with if she didn’t sign the contract and get more involved with it before these men were up on our roof. Basically a man second guess it and now she is pissed. I do understand the feeling of being jilted.

When my door got kicked in I had to get a new door immediately. I know I got taken by the amount and the horrible workmanship. My mother said there was five roofer up here. I have no idea why she picked this guy. There is a lot more work that needs to be done. I pray this doesn’t slow down the process. We need a new bathroom big time. I am going to pray for things to work out. I still don’t want to hear the bullshit. She is on her way here I am sure that is what I am about to hear.

Being a mother is very interesting. I really think it would be different without my mother’s input. I have to suck it up. This is what is best for my little family.  She amazing. She turns over and lifts her head up. She also loves to talk. I know her and when she is tired and needs to sleep. She has her own personality. Mommy is her main girl. Everyone else is second fiddle to me. Which I have to admit I secretly love.  I can’t really leave her on my bed she is moving and grooving. I am not comfortable leaving her on the floor. Especially with this crazy cat lurking. I am feeling there is going to be some crying in the pack n play. While I get a bottle or whatever I have to do. I can’t have her in my arms all the time.

Life is good and I am trying to appreciate it.

Missing Sex!!

Yes a relationship would be nice. Relationships that worked in my life was always hard to come by. Sex in my life was not that difficult. I use to have a few regulars. I get so real with you guys online. Hey I have no point to hide. Well the need for sex has always been there. Even when I went a long time without it. I have dated for a number of years. Had many short and mid length relationships. I would never call anyone long. Except for an ex that has come in and out of my life for 12 years. But there was no consistency there so I would not use that in terms of a long-term thing. I think he gave me a call when some other woman broke his heart. Not that he would ever admit that. On some occasions depending on my emotional state at the time I would let him back in. Then eventually kick him out again for the same exact bullshit each time. I know insanity.

He was supposed to be my child’s father. Thank god I dodge that bullet. I feel what happened was meant to happen.

I am trying to type with Ava on my lap and it is a losing battle. Now back to sex, good sex is always hard to come by. A good casual situation is even harder. I think I have had two casual situations that somewhat worked for short periods of time. They worked because I had no interested in them as long-term. Why did I keep them around. You got it purely for the sex. I find those two situations very unique. I know a lot of men who want to have sex with me. I am not bragging more saying men want sex. A relationship is something totally different. To have a casual situation that would work for me. There is a respect factor. Yes I know it sounds strange. But I demand respect. If you think you are going to treat me like a two dollar whore and I am going to lay down for you. You got the wrong woman.

Over the years I figured out which man just want to use me  and run. I have been caught out there with my feelings hurt because I thought a guy was better than what he was. That is when I took a three-year break from dating. To regroup and get myself together. Sometimes a break is needed in a big way. That was my break. Then I had another break when I decided I wanted to have a baby. So I do miss a guy being interested in me. Now the plumber who is hitting on me is nice. Not the guy I want but the attention is great.

He wanted me to call him. I am not feeding into that. I haven’t called. Being in this new city. I know I was born here, but knew in the since of my relationship. I clearly have no casual situation to jump into. Which I wish I did. I really never thought I would come back to this place. I should have kept up with some folks.

This is so bad, but my ex boyfriend from college dropped me as his Facebook friend years ago. I have no idea why. We didn’t really talk on Facebook other than when he first added me. Maybe his wife had him do it. Well that was 8 plus years ago. I think, or at least five. Maybe he isn’t married anymore. I wouldn’t mind meeting him some where. We were hot and heavy in that department in college and I didn’t leave disappointed. A girl can dream!!!

Modern Medicine!!

The rash looks so much better today. Thank God. I felt let the worst mother in the world. Five month old with diaper rash. I really feel it had to do with the food not diaper changes. I did wake her up between her long night sleep and changed her diaper. She was not a fan of getting up and she also stayed up for an hour and half. Which I was not a fan of. I have no idea how I am going to do this work thing. I am so tired. I know I will get into a routine.

Ava is such a restless sleeper. So my mother said the plumber is a whore. LOL do I want a man who cheats. The short answer hell no. He told me to call him. Which has not happened. I really need to start applying to jobs. I am so not motivated. I heard from one of the two jobs I applied to. They said they received my resume. I am feeling a little financially insecure. I know things are not that bad and it is my own neuroses.

I have to go through my stuff and find an interview suit to put together. Not what I want to do at all. I know I need to grow up!!! I am working on it!!!

Mommy Fail!

Babay foodI really think this rash was started from baby food. The nutritionist said she could have baby food from 4-6 months. The doctor said six months. She is five months on 10/16/14. She did say try one food for three days to see if she is allergic to the food. I really thought she would only take a few bites and I would put it in the fridge. Did I know this kids would love food and eat the whole damn thing. I should have known, her momma loves food. She was opening up wide and putting her head down for more.

Well Three different foods in a week. Peaches, Sweet Potatoes, and Bananas. Which did it? I know I need to listen more than I do. I really thought it was just a little diaper rash. But when she scratched herself. I can’t have my daughter in any kind of discomfort. I ran to urgent care. She said cut out the food until six months and gave me some medicated cream for the diaper rash. When I got there the rash was now on her stomach too. Yep allergic reaction. Why to go Me, I felt so damn bad. Now when we get back to food. Which will be a month from now. I will try food for a week and see what happens.

The doctor told me I can put cereal in the baby bottles and the nutritionist said don’t do that. Everyone has an opinion. I am going to stick with the doctor from now on.

I was asked in the comments about Single mother by choice meeting. I say go. I met a person that was my buddy in the process. She wasn’t just on my side. She understood everything I was going through. Our daughter are literally a year apart. I was there for her and she was there for me. I randomly met her at a meeting.

Coffee late at night!

It is 8:30pm and I am drinking coffee. I like the taste and I have somethings to do and passing out right now is not one of them. I was so tired this morning I gave my child a bottle and put on some cartoons and went to sleep. I really didn’t think it would work. It did to my surprise. My child shocks me every day.

She also has the beginnings of diaper rash. I felt awful. I must be the worst parent in the world. I know it is because she sleeps so long and I am sure that diaper is wet. I am not going to wake her up to change it. So I decided she is getting a bath every night. I am also going to put diaper rash cream and powder before she goes to bed. To protect my baby from rash. I felt so bad. It is isn’t cleared up in a few days we are headed to the doctors. I am shocked how much time I have spent in the doctor’s office.

I went to the single mother by choice meeting this past Sunday. It was an eye opener. I think I am going to become a regular. There were two people there with twins. Remember I wanted twins. Well god knew better. It was a bit of a drive. But Ava did not freak out in the meeting. She talked and looked and engaged as much as a five month could possible do. I was impressed she didn’t melt down. Now on the way back in the car is a totally different story.

Someone has a crush on me. He is around my age. He is my cousin friend of a friend. He has been handling the family plumbing since 2000. He wants to take me out. There is a lot of complication to this. We will see. It is nice to be hit on.

I have to finish Ava blanket. I finished her nursery. But I have made blankets for a bunch of people. I need to finish the one for my child. The most important person in my life ever. It is pink, chocolate and white like her nursery. I will put in pictures of her nursery once I am done with the blanket.2014-10-13 20.33.58

Yuck mouth!!

I forgot to brush my teeth yesterday. I can’t believe I did that. I am happy I didn’t go anywhere to be embarrassed. My daughter had to deal with my bad breath. She didn’t say anything. I was consumed with being sick and tired. She finally slept until 6:15am. I think we have turned a corner into feeling better. The snot still coming out like crazy. She was sneezing herself awake. We started eating baby food. She is spitting out more than she is eating. But it is clear she likes pears. She is leaning into the spoon to get more. I am going to venture out tomorrow to buy more food. I only got two of each kind. I really want to head to Walmart. I am not feeling the long drive, but I am going. If it isn’t raining crazy.

My mother wants me to wait until she gets off work. I know she likes going with us places. I don’t like cramming everything in one day. When I don’t do much each day. I did find a job I was interested in. I will apply to it by the weekend. I know I am smart, but feel so inadequate when applying to a job. I know they make jobs so much more than they are. Then you get there and you realize it wasn’t that big of deal.

This will be my first time working with a child. That part scares me a little. How will I juggle everything. It has been a blessing I been with her so long. Now I have to get back to reality. I am scratching some tickets tonight. Maybe retirement is in my future. Hey I can dream!!!