Not the choice of my baby. The choice of moving home with my mother. The past few weeks have been crazy. Nothing but family drama. I finally remember why I moved so far away from my crazy ass family. My biggest concern is that I am crazy just like them and don’t know it.
My mother has been a bunch of drama for weeks. In one of her good moments, I told her to the truth about how I was feeling. That I was regretting moving in with here and thinking of how I can move the hell out. She apologized and said she didn’t want me to move out. Which was a step in the right direction. We will see how long that last. Living with my mother indefinitely is not going to happen.
I know I need to appreciate the benefits. Which is financially I can get back on my feet. I don’t have to take my daughter out the house in the morning. I know she is safe and loved. In my fantasy land I would love to have another baby and work part time. I am going to stay focus. A lot of things I thought was a pipe dream actually happened. God has been good to me. I will continue to keep hope alive. I also do appreciate having a job. Which I really should be doing work right now. Oh well I will get to it eventually. Life is good, even thought I keep buying scratch tickets praying for some financial luck.
I tried to paint my toe nails tonight. It is going just as well as me trying to type this blog. Not at all. My toes look like a blind person painted them. She was asleep when I started and started screaming in the middle. I would wait until she goes to sleep again, but I am so tired.
I want another baby. I know I am writing a blog about not having twenty minutes to paint my nails. Still looking in her face makes me want another one. Granted I wish I could go to a nail salon. Which has nothing to do with money. More so with time and parking. There is still no where to park in Boston.
I forgot to call my mother I when I got to work. Which lead to a downward tail spin of the day. My mom freaked out and was mad at me for most of the day. I hate drama and which I had my own place to vacate to. She eventually got over and riled up Ava who now won’t go to sleep. I feel like it is her getting me back. LOL `
I really need to get myself together and carve out some me time. The fact that my toes look all crazy tells me I am not doing a good job with myself. I will put it on the list. LOL
I am so tired I don’t know how I am thinking straight. Ava is feeling a lot better. This rash on her face keeps coming and going. She has a doctors appointment on Monday. I have a list of questions to ask. I been leaving work at five pm when everyone else is staying late. I get to work an hour and half early every day. I rather do my overtime in the morning. The job is okay but I can’t help but think it isn’t what I want to do with the rest of my life.
My cousin said I should fly back to Atlanta to make baby number two. Even if that was possible I think we would be looking for a different sperm donor. I don’t care that my children have different donors. It would be nice to be full sibling but not a requirement for me.
I have so many project I have no energy to do at the moment. I did let a stranger in on Ava inception and my single mother by choice status. She opened up and I opened back. I want to be a resource to women who feel alone. She said she was suffering in silence and I was the first person she met who had a baby on her own.
I told her a few things to get her started if she wanted. I am not pressuring anyone. It is hard to do it alone you really need to be committed. I have no complaints today other then I still dream about the lottery. If money came into my life I would be working on baby #2. Right now I am happy with my little Diva Ava!!!
I have a job which I am happy to have an income. It is a big corporation. Which made me very shocked that they have crappy health insurance. The premiums are low, but the deductibles are ridiculously high. They are right at the level of the fair care act. I even checked to insure myself. The deductible are the same. I in no way don’t want people to have affordable health insurance. I don’t like the punishment of the middle class to get it done. They only offered one plan. I am the type that would pay higher premiums for a lower deductible. No luck on that. The benefits person basically said don’t get sick. Is this bitch serious. I am working for your company and this is the crap you give me. It is my fault. I asked about the benefits. They gave me the premium list. Not what the health insurance actually entail. I won’t be fooled again.
My next job I want to see the actual benefits. On that same note my baby is sick. I got a cold from the office. Which I passed on to Ava. She doesn’t have a fever but not a happy camper either. She had me scared. It hurt my soul to see my baby sick. She is fine now. She has her nine month appointment next Monday.
On a great note. I discovered errors on a report at work. Which I was correct about and it had to be redistributed. My co worker let my boss know that was my catch. That made me feel good. I knew i liked that girl. She is very happy all the time. Which my boss stated. I said it is contagious. Not everyone agrees that is a good thing. I think it is a great thing. Shit I want to be happy all the time. As Ava and I lay in the bed. Where she tries to push me out of my queen size bed. I have to say I am happy.
Every time I look at her I want another baby. I am leaning towards she will be my only child. Single-motherhood is very hard. My mother drives me crazy at times. But she is my rock that has helped me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. My mother is also a clean freak. I never do dishes. Or wash clothes. She is always cleaning. Or stealing my laundry because she has some OCD about thing being dirty. Hey it doesn’t bother me. If it is what she wants to do I have no problem with it. It is making me very spoiled.
She also watched Ava for two hours on Sunday so I could take a nap. Nana is on the job and I so appreciate it.