I was very much involved in a weight loss organization. I have taken a break from it as of today. I don’t have the time energy or effort to keep up with it. I feel I will be back there eventually. But I need to work on it on my own. Which is very hard and damn near impossible. I am going to keep hope alive and do my best. I have to lose 30 pounds to get to my goal wieght. With gods help anything is possible.
Someone will not go to sleep. I need to take a show and work on a few video’s and then I can go to bed. I know, my life is so entertaining. NOT!!! I am boring myself. I need to do more things. I am going to try and find a meet up I can bring Ava. That is on my list of things to do.
I got to work at 7:15am and left at 6:30pm. I could have stayed several more hours and still had much to do tomorrow. This job is a trip with the work load. I also been told I do not have the work load of others. Which is too damn scary. When I was childless working late hours was no biggie. Now I want to see my baby. Who has a bit of an attitude for the last couple of days. We think she is getting more teeth. She is crazy fussy and coming up with some new crying sounds.
I know my mother is tired of her by the time I get home. Which I can understand it is a long day. She was cool about watching her late tonight. I decided I am going to have to look for an alternative for a job with better hours. I don’t mind working hard, but damn. I am sure the more I know the better I will get at the job.
The plumber is still trying to stay in the game. He called my mother and told her he wanted to contribute to Ava’s birthday. My mother said buy a gift. He wants to pay for part of the party. I am telling you he is trying to stay in the game. Which it is nice to be wanted. Believe me I haven’t had that feeling in a long while. Mostly by choice. I am having baby fever. I still love every new phase of Ava and I don’t miss the baby phase. When I was basically walking into walls because I was so tired. I have no idea how I would juggle more then one child.
One of my sister SMC. Which I met at my first meeting is pregnant with her second. Which I don’t even know how I would handle that because I was so tired when I was pregnant. I was in a comma every time my head hit the pillow.
I appreciate having a job. It came right on time. I make decent money. I am still jealous of the folks that don’t have to work. Such is life!!!
I had plans to do some work. That did not happen. I am hoping I am very productive in the next few days. I have a lot to get done. With a child under one, it is impossible to do work at home.
I believe I am ready to date. I let a friend know if she has anyone in mind for me. Let me know. I did tell her my requirements. Which are not many but very important. We will see if she comes through our not. I have been looking on line. I would rather have a personal reference from someone who knows the person. Not that I am against online. Who knows how things will go.
I am very proud of myself. I put in Ava’s new car-seat all by myself. I tend to ask others to do things because I lack confidence of doing it correctly. My mother even said who was I going to ask to put the car-seat in. I went to my truck armed with directions and did the damn thing. I tried to put the seat in the middle. It didn’t go well. I realized I do not have the hooks in the middle seat. I have them on the left and right. I guess it has to do with the age of my car.
So she is on the right, but I can’t see her in the mirror. I am going to have to find a way to put a mirror back there. So I can see what is going on with her during the ride. I also was looking for something for her to play with in the backseat. With the infant carrier they had things you could hang. Not so much for the next size car-seat. I had to take her in and out all day. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. So I think we will be fine. I love my babies face.
Sometimes I doubt myself as a mother. I know I am doing the best I can. She is my heart and soul. I wish I didn’t have to work and could spend many more hours with her then I do. Who knows, anything is possible. I have the baby I dreamed of. Now I know my dreams can really come true.
When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing. I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.
I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.
Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.
Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.
I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.
Just a little picture of my 11 month old.
This job is getting there money’s worth out of me. I am not stressed by management. I am stressing myself. I have a lot of work at this job and it is getting done slowly. I have deadlines and I feel behind the eight ball. I appreciate having a job, but I can’t lie to myself. I hate what I do. It is a means to a pay check not what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I wish I knew what the hell I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Life would be a whole different can of worms. My mother and I have been getting along great lately. One blessing I am claiming. If she didn’t stop the craziness I was going to crack. Pack my baby and get out of dodge. Now on the real I have no idea where I would go. But plans would have been made. She has also excepted we will eventually be moving out. You know how some parents don’t want you to come back. That is not my mother. She wants us to live here forever.
The plumber has been given his walking papers. I am not saying the door couldn’t possible be open one day. For now he got to much baggage for me. So moving on in dating land. Granted I haven’t put in the effort to date. I just don’t want any confusion by anyone. So I gave him the speech I don’t do drama and I am not waiting for you buddy. I don’t do waiting.
Now that I think about it, there is a lot shit I don’t do. Have sex isn’t one of them. But sex seems like such a distant memory. Not that I been feel extra sexual. It would be nice to have it as an option. Also never say what you won’t do. I wanted my child sleeping in her crib. Which the cat is in more then she has ever been. Not my plan at all. My mother pushed the issue and so that is how it went.
I know Nana is going to spoil, but I need my space to do things the way I want them. I digress. Life is good so far no real complaint. I have luxury problems. Which in the grand scheme of problems. I rather have luxury problems.
I got into a minor car accident. I am fine my car is fine. The Mercedes I hit is dented and bumper fucked up. Of course I hit them in the back, which makes it my fault. All this lead me to admit to my mother I am depressed. I think I have known for a while that I am depressed. It took something traumatic for me to admit it.
What the hell am I am going to do about it. I have no idea. I know I should be beyond happy. With my child she is my endless joy. With my job not so much. With my social life it is practically dead. I miss my friends in Georgia. I know I wanted to come home. Which I don’t regret. I have not lived here in 15 years. So I don’t have relationships with people I had in Georgia. My life is very bland. I can’t wait until Ava is older and we can hang out a little more.
One day at a time. It is Saturday night. Ava is asleep and I am about to go to bed at nine. This is so pitiful. I know things will get better. I need to figure out how to feel better. I am not in a good place.
I have no time for anything. I cancelled my gym membership yesterday. I really needed to be realistic. I have been three times since I signed up four months ago. I have a busy schedule. Between work, my daughter, these meeting I go to (long story). I have no time for myself. I have a treadmill in my house. Which I could use at anytime. The point of the gym was to get mommy time away from everything. That is impossible when any free time you have you want to sleep. I could sleep for countless more hours then I actual do. The weekend went so fast I thought it was going fast forward the whole time.
We did go to a friends children’s birthday party. I have another one in a few weeks. She is not even one years old, but we have been to at least three birthday parties. What is up with that. I am planing her birthday party. I swear two years ago I would have never imagined I would be planning a birthday party.
It is going to be at a pizza place. I needed a place they were not going to charge per head. I wanted to just pay for the food. It is going to be two hours and hopefully very quick. She doesn’t have a big attention span. I am going to try my best to make sure she gets a nap that morning.
I have no complaints other then I wish I was rich. But doesn’t everyone. God has been good to me. Everyday I wake up and look at my little Diva I know how good god has been to me!!!
I am sorry. I really wanted to be consistent with my blog. It hasn’t worked out that way. I have been a little depressed lately. I am in a city I don’t like. All my friends are in another state. I do have friends here, but they are married and doing there own thing most of the time. Her god mother is the only one checking for me.
I want to date, but have no idea how I can fit that in. I am having trouble fitting in sleep. I miss living in my own place. I no I am complaining, There are more pros in my life then cons. My cons are driving me insane.
My new job is stressful. I hate when training is not that great. I love my trainer she is very helpful, but she also has her own work to do. Which the boss doesn’t seem understand and give her more and more to do. I wish I didn’t have to work. I got a eight month break. I would love to go back to school and do something I want to do with the second half of my life.
I need to pay off all this debt I have. I still buy lottery tickets, which I am sure folks think is crazy. I have to have some kind of vice. That is mine.
I been doing horrible with my food. I finally got honest about it. I gained seven pounds. I am still wearing my size 12. Well they are tight. Size 14 are a little big. I don’t have many of them which sucks. I have an abundance in 10/8 which I can’t fit at all. I am working on getting back on track tomorrow.
My child watches to much T.V. I feel really bad about it. I need to entertain her during certain times, to get things done.
I am working on getting my life together. I know I need another vision board to see my dreams come true again. Also see what I am working on doing.
There was this daycare incident here. A male college student was molesting the kids. Can I say I am so blessed my mother watches my baby. Sometimes I feel she would learn more in a daycare. When I hear horrible stuff on the news like that, I am so thankful she isn’t in a day care.
I will be taking my life one day at a time!!