Learning and Learning!!

I came home late. I was supposed to get the deep freezer today. That was rain checked which is fine with me I am tired. I hit the store looking for pork rinds. No luck at my grocery store. I did get more almonds.

I did so much better on my new lifestyle (diet) today then yesterday. I ran out of almonds at work. Had to take a walk to two corner stores to find them. Which is so not me. I am very determined with this thing. Also my co-worker had the bypass surgery and she is pretty much eating the same way.

I haven’t been excited about eating in years. I really been on point. I also don’t beat myself up. Which is something totally different. Work is uneventful, but I am not complaining. I like uneventful instead of stressful. So far so good. I have been there almost two months. I am feeling very blessed.

We finally got Ava on a schedule. Getting my mother to do something I need a 2/3 congressional vote. Once I told her you tell Ava to lay down and she will. That is all she needed to know. Now she eats lunch at 11:30pm and nap at noon. Then when I get home dinner, every other night a shower with washing hair on Sundays. Hang out for a little bit and she goes to bed at 8-8:30pm. It has worked for the past three days.

From what I am hearing afternoon nap is done with no push back. Going to bed for the night, I don’t have it that easy. She gives me that hell no look. I have to keep stressing it. Until I show her I am the boss and will get over her whining and fake crying. Eventually she gives up lays down and falls asleep.

Today things are good. I did play the power ball for 300 million. I am about to start a lottery team at the job. Clearly I can’t give up my gambling ways. #LIVINGTHEDREAM

Face Reality!!

Okay Winter is finally coming. I just order some boots and gloves online. I know I am late. I was praying winter would pass me by. Last winter in Boston was so ridiculous I can’t even describe how I hate snow.  I have my boots from last year which I think has a whole in them. My foot got wet today.

First day Low Carb, High Fat Diet (LCHF). I did great today. I am still snacking to much. It has only been on almonds and pork rinds. Pork Rinds are not my fav, but I am getting use to them. I think I stayed under 30 carbs today. I was trying for 20 but 30 is good. I am so ready to get this weight off. I can no longer go to my old program. I finally realized I don’t have time for that type of commitment. #singlemomproblems. Yes my child doesn’t see me enough as it is. Committing to that program was really hard for me.

I digress, even thought the food is delicious on this diet. This shit isn’t easy when you are use to putting a bunch of crap in your mouth. I have gained 35 pounds in a very short period of time. I want to lose 60-70 pounds. One day at a time. I decided I am not going to eat the apples I bought. I didn’t know it was against the diet plan. I really was going to put my foot down. I bought them I am eating them. Then I thought how stupid that is. I can barely fit into my big clothes. I am going to mess up a chance to get into my cute clothes for a baby of apples. Yeah sounds crazy I know.

This diet goes everything I been taught about dieting my entire life. I been listening to a lot of YouTube video’s on the subject. I also bought the book the insulin resistant diet. I am waiting for it to come in the mail. I am all in with this. Trying to curb my snacking. Also knowing the right things to eat and not eat.

Dave and I talked today, I have a feeling we will work things out soon. We will see, I am keeping hope alive. 2016 is coming so quickly and I am shocked how quickly my life has gone by. I am going to make a point to enjoy every once of it going forward.

Low carb Fail!! Try again in the morning!

Thank you, to one of my readers. I am not sure if she wants me to put her out there but thank you. I was lost in a sea of WTF am I going to do about my weight. She reached out to me about the Low carb diet. Which I have to say I am doing better on this. Then I have ever done on my own with anything else.

What messed me up today. Apples, I had two. Which are a no no. I also ate some food off my daughters plate and it all went to hell. I will be trying again tomorrow. Since I bought all these apples. I will be eating them until they are gone. One a day. I did find a Greek Yogurt with 5g Carbs. I love almonds which I had no idea before doing this diet.

I sat on YouTube all day, watching video’s on the Low Carb diet. I am ready to drop these pounds. It is hard as hell to give up Carbs. Then I listened to Oprah bullshit commercial for Weight Watchers. We are in this together, YEAR RIGHT. Oprah has peddled more diet and work out plans I can’t even count them all. I have a feeling weight watchers is not going to be the end of the road for her. She is a freaking billionaire, does she really need Weight Watchers to lose weight. She can have her personal assistance count every calorie that goes in her mouth.

On a better note. I am back to using the Laws of Attraction. I knew I needed to change the script for 2016. Which all started for me years ago when this guy gave me the book Working with the Law by Raymond Holliwell. I started reading it last night. Then I realized someone what the whole book on audio on YouTube. Score, I listened at work and at lunch. It is something about hearing the words that have just captured my spirit.

I know when I was working on those principles, I felt indestructible. I want that back. That inner feeling that you got this!!!

My father is moving and has a deep freezer for me. Which was right on time. I was going to buy one. Even thought Dave and I are having our issues he is going to take his truck and pick it up for me. I have missed him over the past few day. Absence makes the heart grow stronger. I will be strong and will not dial that number unless totally needed. We need a break to reevaluate the situation. More I am giving him time to sweat. We will see what happens. I always felt men are like susses there will be another one in 15 min. I really like Dave so I will see what happens. I am not optimistic. Which is caused from years of bullshit men in my life.

Santa is gone!!

Christmas is over and I have work bright and early tomorrow. I didn’t scratch all my lottery tickets. Maybe I will get through it tonight. Or maybe I will save them for New Years. Dave and I are on the outs. We might get over it, might not. When people say relationships are hard, I totally understand. I swear my life changes on a dime.

I know I am quick to pull the trigger and kick someone to the curb. Not one of best traits. I will work on it in 2016. I did not tell a bunch of people what happened with Dave and I. I learned from my mistakes. If you let to many people in, it opens it up for opinion. I use to welcome those opinions back in the day. Now not so much. What I decided to do where he is concerned I will work out myself. If it ends in a big ass hear break, I will call my road dogs for comfort.

I am still considering having another baby. I will make the decision by the summer. Ava is doing well. She is a happy baby, who makes me laugh all the time. Her lack of speech does bother me. Only because I don’t want my baby to have any issues. Then I watch the St. Jude commercials with children with cancer, and I thank god my baby is healthy.

She wasn’t really into Christmas. Spent more time playing with the boxes, and the cheapest toy. Didn’t like the dolls. The talking Elmo got about ten minutes of attention. We will see what happens next year.

I really like my job so far. I had to leave early last Thursday to take Ava to a followup Doctor’s appointment. No more ear infection thank god. We had to do two rounds of antibiotics. I have noticed my baby is a brat, and cries anytime she doesn’t get her way. Which I ignore, and Nana does not. LOL she knows she gets away with murder. That face is hard to see cry. I do it!!!

She Ate my Cooking!!!

20151220_175912Okay, I have been horrible about not really cooking for my child. She has advanced to the Gerber meals. Which look like little TV dinners. She seemed meat adverse. All meat she would spit out. They are only four options for those meals. For a min she would only eat the Marconi and cheese. Over night that has changed. I was eating eggs and she was all over my plate. I gave her some and she ate it. I was shocked. The last time I gave her eggs she spit it out. So this morning, I made her eggs and she ate most of it.

Tonight I cooked salmon, mash potatoes and broccoli. She ate most of it. Thank you Jesus, I really didn’t want a crazy picky eater. We had a good day today. I is 7:15 and she is sleep. No nap today, she wouldn’t take one. So she went to bed nice and early. I barely know what to do with myself.

I hear Star Wars was great. I can’t wait to go see. Dave is supposed to take me after the New Year. Which is a time we both agreed on. These next couple of weeks will be a little hectic.

I haven’t bought my father a present for Christmas. I am going to do something big for his birthday. Which we actually share the birthday. His house was broken into and his laptop was stolen. I am going to replace it for him.

Oh how I wish I was rich so I could take care of my family. First order of business buy my father a nice condo in a great area. Well I have my scratch tickets to scratch on Christmas. A gift to myself. Hey I play and keep hope alive. You never know what could happen and what is possible.

I am shocked I am a mother. I didn’t know if that would be possible. On a side note I can’t find my ovulation again. I am going to keep on looking for it. I am going to keep working on life, I really feel like I have to do more to get more.

Working on life!!

I bought a journal with laws of attraction motivation statements. Hoping it will help me with my attitude. I feel very defeated and depressed. I know this is a illness that just comes on and off in my life. My baby and I had a pajama day today. It was very cold outside. We stayed in our jammies. I watched her play and danced with her. I also discovered she like eggs now and pancakes. Yes I ate those things today. She shared and I realized we can expand her food choices.

A reader has me thinking about a low carb diet. I haven’t looked into as much as I need to. I am so tired and did nothing today. I have several things to work on before I go to bed. Namely these video’s and my online presence. I am trying to make side money with YouTube. Which is not the easiest thing to do. They say make video’s that you are interested in. Which is what I do. I have made some money, not a lot to jump and down about. The truth is I do like helping people The people who have reached out to me is amazing.

I know when I was on the journey, I wanted to talk to someone who had did it all. Help me to avoid many mistakes. It is almost 2016, and I am praying for good things in this upcoming year. I like my new job so far. Not stressed, get to leave on time. The commute sucks, and money could be better. All in all I am very happy. I heard the job I left is a complete mess. I am so glad I am out of there. Now I have some decent health insurance.

My life in Boston is so different from my life in Georgia. I was single doing what every I wanted to do. Now I have to come straight home. I have to take care of someone else besides myself. I am very worried I am not doing the best job I can.

The speech therapist commended me for being proactive. I felt like I should have been doing more. Then I talked to my cousin and she confirmed being a working mother is no joke. Reading a book can be a lot when you got up at 5:30 am. Go to work, get home and have a list of things to do before bed.

I have a love life. Which is so strange. I haven’t had one of those in a real long time. We see each other once or twice a week. I haven’t been to his house yet. He said he will invite me over after the new year. I am not as suspicious as I use to be when I was younger. If it works out it does. If it doesn’t’ it doesn’t. I am really not pressed. Just enjoying the ride as we go along. I wish I had this thought process years ago. Would have spared a bunch of heart ache.

Therpy Appt!!

This is the first speech therapy appointment and it went very well. I left the room and let her do her thing. I could hear everything, and it was very interesting. God is good and I need to have faith. Stay prayed up.

So she put things in perspective. She does have delays and she doesn’t want to minimize that. Granted they have no clue if she could catch up. Which could happen, you know I am praying it will. I will deal with it if it doesn’t.
I really like her therapist. We have a hearing test and a developmental intake coming up in the January. I am blessed that I have a half a day on Friday. To do all these appointments and be there for my daughter in all things that she needs.

Having more kids seems like a lot at this point. I know I hated being an only child. Granted I have a cousin who is my brother even though we don’t have the same parents. I want my child to have someone connected to her. Granted I don’t know if I have the strength, energy and time for another child. I am going to THUG it out if it happens.

New man in my life has made me feel like I’ve been missing a lot not being in a relationship-. Granted I dated a lot of men who didn’t have there shit together. This guy has his life together, and doesn’t need me for anything. Which is a good place for me to be.

I feel like I am falling in love with this man. I am not telling him about it. That is going to take sometime before he will hear those words. Which is so strange, I will tell strangers online and not the man I might be falling in love with. You guys know how it is. Not ready to put even those intentions out there. I like that he is very interested in what my daughter needs. Granted he doesn’t really play a hand in it. It is nice to have someone to talk to and shoulder to cry on. He did say he would go with me to her tests. It feels good to have someone to depend on, more then anything. Which is something I taught myself not to get use too in the past.

Addicted to Food!!!

WTF, why can’t I stop eating. I say this knowing the exact answer. My face and stomach is getting bigger. I know I need to stop eating and exercise. I remember talking to this lady about weight loss. She said it is very easy eat less exercise more.

Today was my Office Christmas Party. I ate so much I feel they should have rolled me out of the office. I talked to Dave and he said he would come over and watch Ava so I could get on the Treadmill. Yes, I have a treadmill in my house. After my mom watches Ava all day, she is done. So it would be nice if he could come over and do that. He works for himself so I am not sure how consistent he will be. I will take whatever he can do.

I know I need my program. I have no time for it. I know I am not being the best Mom I can be with all this weight.

Things are good in my life. I really have no complaints except chronic fatigue. I am also stressed with Ava not talking. I am trying to handle it one day at a time. My mind wonders to what did I do wrong. How did I hurt my baby. I know it isn’t rational. I move it out of my brain quickly. I have set up a hearing test, and a delay doctor test.

Tonight is my late night. Of course Ava had a late nap, and is sitting up in her crib, like you know I am not tired. I on the other hand feel like I am about to collapse. I need a shower, find out what outfit is not to tight for tomorrow.

Her speech therapist will be here tomorrow. Granted her first meeting she was so sick and not interested. I am praying for a better experience. For me and her. I am paying attention to what she does. So I can repeat it when she is not around.

One more day until the weekend. Waiting for that, I need a nap in a major way.

Do I think I am Beautiful!!

The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.

Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.

Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.

I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.

So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.

I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!