New Guy!!

I met this new guy online. I like the feeling of being wanted. I am no hurry to meet this guy. I know that is strange. I really don’t have time for a relationship. He would have to fit in my life. With my lack of totally time and babysitters.

I am also not at my ideal body weight. Which I told him I was on the plus side. It is not an issue to him. It is just hard for me to have confidence at this weight. I know love yourself Blah, Blah. I have to admit I love myself more when I can fit into some cute clothes.

Even thought my body always has the damage of being overweight for a large portion of my life. Which is hard. When the guy sees you in the cute clothes. They think you have a bikini body. What you really have is stretch marks and flab. But shit I will take that any day at this point. I told myself if I get to my goal weight I won’t care about the flab. Which I really didn’t the last time. How many people see you naked. If he is trying to get some and he turns you away because some flab and stretch marks he can kiss my ass. Most men are not that complicated. At least not the ones I dealt with.



Support Groups

I joined a support group online. Ava and her struggles makes me feel very lonely in this process. I found someone who lives close with a daughter with similar issues. She lives close and we are meeting up this coming weekend at a Park. I am so excited. Hopefully we have new friends. The site we met on you couldn’t sent a direct message. She created an email address so we could contact each other without putting our information out there.

I  know when you are around people in a similar situation the support is priceless. I know it helped me with my weight. My being a single mother by choice and other things. I hoping the girls like each other. We will see!!! Oh Early intervention gave me a compliment that almost made me cry. She said she has been doing this for seven years. She has about 15 clients at a time.

She has only met four other parents like me. I thought really that is it. She said you want to know everything you can do. Additional things and how to connect with people. I am there every Friday for that therapist visit and I ask a lot of questions. If they say anything will help Ava I buy it and it is there in a matter of weeks. I thought most parents would do that. She said not even close. She also said there are a variety of reason why.

My daughter is my life, my breath, the love of my life. She was not an accident. I begged god for her. I pleaded that he couldn’t let me be motherless. How could he let me be motherless. I went to a therapist because I was so heart broken behind miscarriages. I wish I had money and could stay at home and do ten times more for her. She is doing great, but we still have a journey.

I will do anything and everything for this child. No sacrifice is to great. My life is for her not me anymore. Yes I need to be informed and educated. Whatever it takes to help my baby.

I do wish we had no issues. Why did this happen to us. Why does my life always have some kind of struggle. I know I have many blessing also. I still can’t help to wish my life was easier.

Movie night fail!!

I finally got a night out. I was heading to the movie with my friend. We went and got something to eat. The food sucked but I was so happy to be out. We get to the theater I asked for my ticket. Bad Mom’s please. I was looking for to this movie. Overwhelmed motherhood is right up my alley.

I was not prepared for what the cashier said. SOLD OUT. WTF!!! Are you serious. The movie looked cute. It wasn’t even opening weekend. It isn’t Star Trek, The Avengers. It was a stupid chick flick comedy. I had to ask her again. Are you serious. She looked at me in her please get out of my line teenage face.

I ended up going home and pissed. I waled around Walgreen’s near my house. Yes I know it is pitiful, but I didn’t want to go straight home. I am going to try again this Friday. My mother felt pity on my ass and will to try again. I love my mom, even thought she would drive me to drink. If I drank, I have an addictive personality I don’t need more problems!!

Life and more Life!!

Mr man and I are a dead issue. He is no longer in my life. I keep telling this fool to not call me but he continues to dial my number. I don’t understand men. He fucked up and I forgave several times. Each time this fools says he will do better. I should have knew better. I got sucked in big time. Then I get fed up and over it all together. He sorry he was wrong he misses me. WTF, I don’t get it. He wants to be friends and call me and talk sometimes. Do I look like I am put here to make you feel better. Hell Naw!! I have to many responsibilities and things going in my life to put up with such bull. First of all I know the game. He wants to stay in touch to work his way back in. How do I know he did it before. So I am going to stop being the idiot of my life and move the hell on.

So I was home one day and he showed up to see my mom. In his defense I shouldn’t have been there and he is friends with my mom. He spent the whole time in my face trying to convince me to talk to him. I had to swear and he says don’t do that. You should have seen the look on my face. Don’t you tell me what to do again. And leave me the hell alone. Then he says can I call you, tell me you don’t want me to call you and I won’t. I told him I am not saying shit because I would just be repeating myself.

If he likes me so much what is with the games and not acting right. I will never understand this concept. I will be alone with a dusty V-Jay before dealing with that mess again.

On a brighter note my baby is doing well with her therapies. I still get stuck in the why my baby. I know things could be worse. You never want to hear anything about your babies. Then I was watching this girl on YouTube. She just had twins. One of her twins barely made it and has seizures and had to come home with an air machine. So I would agree it could be worse and I need to stop bitching.

I am working on my weight once again. How the hell did I go down the whole this deep I will never know. God has my back and one day at a time. I got this far on faith and my life has never been perfect. It has always been blessed. Not a fairy tale, but reality that has gotten me this far.. Pray for me and my family. Thanks to all who read my rants. It is so appreciated!!!!