I am no religious. I don’t claim any religion. I don’t go to any place to worship. I did go to many places to worship during a period of my life. I been to a mosques, which to clear up the Farrakhan, black Muslim mosque in the Boston area. I been to Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic, The church of Christ. I been to many more. Not on a search usually because I am a friendly person who will talk to anyone. I was invited to I went.
I was agnostic in my beginning years. I believe there was a god. I just felt he didn’t do shit for me. Like Santa Claus skipping my house on Christmas. I didn’t get a spiritual life until I was 22 and committed to a 12 step program. For a major addiction I had in my life. FOOD!!! There are several 12 step programs for food. I have been in a few. I will not name them because it is supposed to be anonymous. I lost a 100 pounds. With asking god to help me stop eating. The program I also stopped smoking asking god for help. It help me to realize there was something other than myself helping me through life.
I don’t care if you called him Christ, Jesus, Jehovah, Allah. I am more spiritual than religious. I have never really read the bible. I feel god has my back and I try to be a good person. Not a perfect person but a good person. I also feel prayer works. A lot of my prayers have been answered.
I was talking to a good friend and she was telling me about the movie War room. Ultimately it is about black people praying. That is a quick synopsis. It is really a B movie, but it had such a impact on me. I need a war room. Which is a prayer room. I have no space in this house for that. I am going to find a way to set it up. I have so many things I need to focus on in prayer. I have to remember god is listening. I don’t say that because someone told me, like a preacher. It because I seen the miracles happen in my life. I have real struggles and issues that I have found a way through prayer. Believe me I have many other things and people to pray for. I am just a beginner.
Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.
God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.
It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.
I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.
I force myself to sleep that night. I couldn’t watch the election. Then I woke up at four in the morning and found out the Anti-Christ is running my country. Ava was in the bed with me and I hugged her tight.
I didn’t like Hillary Clinton. I voted for her because she was the only choice. Does that sound bad. Well it is bad. I feel the DNC is corrupt like the RNC. In different ways, different kinds of evil. Neither really benefiting me.
The difference is Donald trump pretty much declared war on all minorities which includes me. I don’t want to hear from any white person we are being dramatic. You know what, when a white person says that shit it holds no weight. They will never walk in the shoes of fear for themselves, family and children. That there child might be targeted at school. Told that there hair is too ethnic and countless other downgrading thing I have put up living in the united states.
Hillary was to cocky and thought it was her turn. She thought they voted a black man twice you know they will vote me in. Yes she won the popular vote. She didn’t win by a landslide. The country is divided straight in half. We are at war with each other. The Republicans gave an Obama a hard eight years. I am positive the next four will be harder for them. They can whine all they want to about it being unfair. There knew thing is we need to join and unite with Mr. Trump. That will never happen. Most minorities are against him, and as soon as those campaign promises go to shit the whites will be against him too.
This generation, this time in history will not be dealt with by bystanders. They are in the streets, they are fighting back. They are boycotting products that support him.
Why am I in this fight when I didn’t like Hillary. This a question I was asked by a white friend that I known since the sixth grade.
I told her she has the luxury to ignore this because she is white. I have a black child I have to protect. I will die for that protection. I don’t have the luxury to let hate consume my country. Not for four years but for her future. White privilege is so ingrained it is hard to put yourself in a minority shoes. Are all white people racist. No they are not. For the non-racist ones I have a question. I have been asked my whole life why black people do this? Why do black people do that? You non-racist white people. Tell me why more then half your race in the united states stood up for hate. Doesn’t feel good does it!!!!!!!!!!!
I started a knew diet plan. Hopefully it will get me to where I want to be. LCHF, Low carb high fat diet. I know I could figure this out on my own. I don’t have the energy. I need someone to take me through like baby steps. I have joined http://www.dietdoctor.com. This handsome Swedish guy who is a doctor. He has a bunch of videos and much more. I am addicted to his voice.
Don’t judge me, my kids will be watching everything she wants on TV all day. So I can get through this entire program today. Yeah it sounds bad, but single mom life shit happens. I know she is supposedly not to watch to much TV. Well I hear that, but shit I need a minute to myself and other things need to go on.
One of the therapist with a young child agreed with me. She knows sometimes she needs a minute. My plan is to get this big body back to a size 8.
Ava isn’t progressing the way I want. She is progressing which is a positive. I know I have issues with patients. I want my baby to be completely OK over night. That is not going to happen. This is going to be a long hard process.
Thank god for the mother I met in a similar situation. She really boost me up in a way that no one else can understand. She speaks from the heart. Also of the mind of we are in the same boat.
Am I doing enough. I always want to think no. Ava plays with her tablet to much. I can’t get her to eat to many varieties of food. Also I am not that big of a cook. Her sleeping is all over the place. She is not in a daycare. Which is a blessing because I have trust issues. Also can’t afford it right now. She probably needs to be with more children her age. I feel really guilty about that. She will be in preschool in six months. Mother guilt is crazy!!!