Ending a Relationship

A relationship ending is the hardest shit to go through. Especially when you are not the one ending it. Over the years I have shed many tears for some man who didn’t want my ass for one reason or another. I have actually been on that receiving end of bullshit more than I care to admit.

Now I have a friend close to me. A marriage is ending and she is crying and not doing well. I feel her pain and want to give her strength. There are kids involved and to be honest I have never been married. I can only give her my limited advice.

This might sound horrible, but you can only give a certain type of advice to certain friends. She is a friend but not a homegirl. A friend I say, pray about it and work on protecting you and your kids. Get ready to do it by yourself.

A homegirl, FUCK HIM. Tell him to kiss your ass. Do not let him see you cry. Don’t give his ass the satisfaction. The best revenge is living well and lets him know you will be just fine without his full of shit ass.  All this to say you kind of has to know your place with your friends.

I smell another bitch on the scene. She does too so we can have a real conversation about that. Even though the realities of relationships there is no protection. Some of the relationship I see my friends have, no way in hell I could be in. Probably the reason I am terminally single. I have a low tolerance for bullshit. The ones with all the bull are always attracted to me.  Such as life. I am glad the importance of a man in my life is very low. Not to say if Mr. Dream man or Mr. Right now (I will deal with him to) comes around he would get a chance.

I am still dreaming about the second baby. The plumber is still keeping in touch. I can go for a co-parenting situation. My eggs are getting older by the second.  I using the law of attractions for some money to come to afford the process of getting pregnant and the money needed to raise another baby.

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Autism Center Evaulation

We were approved for the Eval with much arguing with the insurance company. I brought my aunt with me for a second opinion. When you don’t have a man in your life, the family will do. Ava couldn’t wait to get into the center. She could see all the toys from the office we were in. She was looking over the child gate, with bated breath.  As soon as the gate was opened, “see ya ma”  is what she would have said if she could talk.

While they were doing the testing, We went in the room with the owner for the questions she had for me.  I was glad my aunt came but she kind of got on my nerves a little. This is the first autism thing she has been to. So she was asking a question from her base of knowledge which was little. Asking questions, Why are there so many kids with autism? What changed over the years? Those questions are great. She needed to look them up online. I had questions for the present situations. I interrupted my aunt and touched her a few times to shut up.

She asked me before the visit if she could ask questions in her defense. I wanted to ask about the center and Ava being there. Not general autism questions. I asked if she could give my aunt a tour. She was happy to.

My aunt loved the place and felt this was a great option for Ava. I know I felt that way but having a second opinion that was making the right choice made me feel great.

I put in for the transportation. I wanted it to be ready and waiting for her first day. If they were any hiccups I wanted it taken care of before we needed it.  Ann from my autism group IM me the language for the transportation. I am so thankful I met this woman. I am defiantly getting her a gift and the woman who started the organization once everything is done and Ava starts this program. Finger still crossed no more hiccups in the process of Ava first day.

Hard day!!!

I was hit with a blow. My insurance doesn’t want to pay for the ABA center. In this place call the Untied States with it bullshit for profit insurance companies. Thank god for the woman who works at this place. She told me another family with my same insurance company didn’t want to fight it. WTF, I told her I pay a lot of damn money for my insurance fight those bastards. There is a mandate in Massachusetts to pay for autism therapies. They are saying they will pay for home, not center.

She played the single mother card. Told them I am at work paying for their insurance how the hell can I be home for her therapy. I thought to go girl!!, God is putting these Angels in my life to bless my baby with the things she needs. She got them to concede and they allowed the payment for the initial evaluation.

The insurance company called me and try to talk me out of the center by saying it will be 30 bucks a day. The lady at the center said don’t listen to that bullshit. They don’t have an in-network option so it will not be 30 bucks a day. They are riding the line of legality. The autism center said they have no problem sending a letter from legal.

Also with a mother love I called and harrassed for my secondary insurance for Ava disability to be approved by the state. I should have done it a lot earlier. God on my side it all came through they same day of the bad news of my insurance company being a bunch of assholes.

So even if it was 30 bucks a day. It should be covered by my secondary insurance. The secondary insurance will also pay for transportation for Ava to the center every day. They gave me a premium for this insurance. Which was not outrageous. I would have squeezed it out of my budget even if I had to charge it.

I was approved for premium assistance and it was covered. I told the woman at premium assistance she was my angel. They had a 90-day backlog. This woman did mine in one day. Yes, one damn day. God was so on my side. So no money out of my pocket and my baby get what she needs. We still have a few hurdles before she actually starts. Every hurdle can stop her going to Autism center in its tracks. So far we are still on the road to success. Please pray for my baby. I have been asking for prayers from everyone. I don’t care who you worship or pray to. Send one up for my baby.

Graduating EI

The end of the Early intervention. All her therapist came to my house when I was at work of course. I bought a cake for everyone. Which said Ava graduation. No one took a picture for me. When I talked to my mom they already ate it.

When I called them I thought they would have my baby talking in no time. Little did I know when I called them I would be going down the rabbit hole of diagnosis, therapist, Autism, ABA, advocacy, and stress. My life has taken a turned I can’t say I was prepared for. I gained 50 pounds eating out of stress and worry for my baby future.

Even though she has made massive improvements. She still has not spoken a word. Which is the reason I called them in the first place?  Advocacy for my child is my number one priority. EI told me they have parents that tell them not to come back when they suggest they get a diagnosis of autism. I pray for those babies that someone will help them.

I took her diagnosis very personal. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What did I not pay attention to? Ill prepared for any of this. I had many nights crying in my pillow. Until I met other autism parents, I realized I am not a freak. A lot of these mothers are crying and eating the pain away.  With the crying and eating they still get up and take care of their kids and advocate for their success. The tears of the mother are the prayers to god to spare their baby from any struggles or pain.  Life is not paved in gold for anyone. We all have problems and things we have to deal with. I wouldn’t advise anyone to gain 50 pounds. If those 50 pounds keeps from a complete breakdown then eat dammit. I am sorry food got me through. I am working on getting it off now. But I am glad I ate than drank.  Thank god for that!!!

Dreadlocks

I am not getting a new hair style. I have natural hair. For my non-black readers. I will add a picture.

I have had my natural hair for I believe five years now.  With this hair, I don’t have to go to a salon and put strong chemicals to straighten it out. I can love the hair coming out my head. Which I do. The problem is, I am lazy, tired, stressed. I don’t want to be bothered with hair care. This leads me to now combing or detangling my hair for months on end. Even though my hair has new life when I take care of it. I have no energy or desire. So when I get ready which can take me a ridiculous amount of time I decided to comb, detangle my hair. By this point, some of my hair has bonded in a way I can only cut it out. When the comb is going through my hair it is pulling out an unbelievable amount of hair to clear the lack of maintenance.

Thank god I have no bald spots. I still have a ridiculous amount of hair on my head. My lack of care does not go unnoticed. Neither does my lack of sleep. I clear the not and my hair looks great. I don’t even promise myself I will do better. I don’t even have the energy to lie to myself. I will be pulling my hair out until my life stress starts to go down. I am glad I have the hair to pull.

Depression and complaining

I am not a complainer. I have suffered from depression my whole life. Doctors have always said it isn’t bad enough to go on drugs. Which I don’t want to go on drugs. I took them one time and the outcome was crazy. I have enough drugs I have to take for my neurological condition.

So a friend said she had a bone to pick with me. No need to go into all of it. Then I said look I am depressed and have a lot going on in my life. She said to see a therapist. I told her where am I supposed to fit that in. Here are my issues with a therapist. You have to have time for them. Which I don’t. It is hard to find one you like. Not all therapist are equal. I have been to therapist lets say five times in my life. I only had success with one. The woman that was there for me when I had all those miscarriages and thought I would never be a mother. That lady was great.

My friend said why didn’t I say anything to her about my depression. I am not a complainer. Complaining doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I know a few women in my life that will let the complaints fly. Now I there is a difference from sharing the hard things going on in your life to straight up complaining. I have friends I share with. Complaining I don’t do. There is nothing to be gained. What can anyone do about my depression. I can’t do anything about anyone else depression.

I am not a therapist and I actually have a friend finishing a school for therapy. She said we are friends and she can’t be my therapist. I still run things by her. LOLOL.

I remember someone telling me why  complain no one is listening.!!!

All about Ava

I did a montage with Ava videos on my Youtube channel. It is so funny how I have this channel, and I don’t have a whole lot of videos of her.  I found these old video’s which I wanted to share. I noticed she did look at me when she was young. I have no idea when the eye contact went away. Someone asked me how old was she when this happen to that. All having to do with things of autism. I have to say I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. This journey of autism and Ava had all to do with her lack of words. The rest went over my head.

Introvert Guilt

I can be in the house all the time with no light and never want to leave. I have always been an introvert. Sometimes my house being a safe haven was much more comfortable to me than going out into the world. I will go to work by groceries and pay my bills. My free time would be in the house entertaining myself with movies, online, etc. I never felt like I was missing anything. I was in my own world of happiness.

Now with a child, I feel guilty about that tendency of mine. If she could talk I would like her to give me insight on what she wants to do. I have no idea if my daughter loves the park to the mall. She actually shows no excitement for either.  The only time I saw a real smile was the trampoline place. We have been twice and going again this month.

I knew I would have to get out the house when I had a kid. I was hoping that kid could help me with the process. My daughter isn’t capable of that help. She also doesn’t seem to care if she is the living room all day with her tablet, TV, and toys.

She does like to leave the house. We were at the door about to leave. I forgot something closed the door to get it. She fell to the floor upset that we weren’t leaving. Ava is really a go with the flow type. I had the last visit with the BSBA (supervisor) ABA person. She said she has progressed and does not have the behavior issues. I am really thankful for that. I enjoyed staying in the house this weekend. She woke up at 4 am two nights in a row. My mother lets me have a nap. I slept for three and half hours.  I let Ava have a late night which I will pay for when it is really time to go to bed. I needed a break. So I let her sleep. The shit you do to survive mentally. #mommyproblems