Problems all around!!

So I get a letter in the mail. Ava insurance will be kicking her center out of network and she will have to go somewhere else by some random date in February. Can I say I was about to have a nervous breakdown? Of course, I get this letter at 4:45 on a Friday. I am calling the number on the letter like a freak. I finally get someone on the phone thank god.

It was the secondary insurance. I finally could breathe. While I am on the phone Ava transportation drove up. He was trying to take her out of the car with no shoes. They are very nice people, some of the drivers are very young. I yelled him to put her shoes one. All while I am on the phone trying to understand this damn letter.

I called the autism center insurance person. She and I are like rode dogs at this point. She walked hand and hand with me to fight my insurance company to get my baby in the autism center. Her work phone was linked to her cell phone. She said they were in a fight with the secondary insurance. They got a lawyer involved.

Can I say thank you JESUS and God and whatever spirit luck or whatever that help my daughter get in that autism center? I am in constant fear they will try and kick her out. Insurance companies are the enemy. Especially with all the politics around insurance now.

Truth is I want my daughter to talk and be in regular school. I am fighting because she has a true need. I need to find me a man with Blue Cross Blue Shield. I am joking but not really.

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Remembering things!!

I am trying to keep my blog going with content. I love this blog, it is my personal diary that I share with the world. Three prior jobs ago I could update it at work and it was not an issue. This job I don’t even want to cross that line. Things go on that I want to run and put on my blog. Then I get home and time flies so quick that it doesn’t happen. Then I spend a Saturday like today writing things that have happened and scheduling it out to keep the content in a constant manner. I use to hate blogs I loved to read go dark for weeks and weeks.

We were supposed to go to my father’s today. It is seven degrees, so my mom and my dad both said we should stay in the house. Ava has been in the house all week, due to her vacation from school. The true problem is this child refuses to keep a hat, gloves, shoes, and socks on her body. They are supposed to be working on it at school. I have seen a little improvement, not much. My mom thinks if it is cold she should stay out of school. I do not want this child missing school. She has the door to door service, she will never be in the cold long. Plus she loves school. They let her run around and do her thing, which I feel we are always hindering her at home, due to her bouncing over the heads of our tenants. Second I need her to progress and I don’t want her to miss anything.

I broke out the thick winter coat I bought her with her snow pants. At least her body will be warm. I need it to warm up just a little bit. Out of the single digits would be great.

New JOB!!

I love my job. I don’t love what I do for a living. The thrill is not being in corporate America. They think I do a great job, and there is no stress. I hated the stress of prior jobs with what seemed like wardens that stressed you out about every deadline.

My only issues with my job are the commute is horrendous. I have been on that road for two hours trying to get home. Now they are trying to take away our parking. Plus I work late one day a week. My mother takes over where I fall short. I wish I found this job twenty years ago. My problem is how the hell would I do this if my mother wasn’t here. There are several issues if my mother wasn’t here. I can’t afford to live in Boston.

I told my friend I am looking for a man with a house in a good school district. She laughed, but hey if I did find that man I would jump at the chance. My only problem is I am so paranoid about my daughter being at risk with a man in her life. Since I was raped by a family member when I was young. I do have that fear of my daughter safety. Also with her lack of a voice makes me more nervous. Pray for us. I always pray for you.

My plans for 2018

I already have written this post and it disappeared. Lucky me, I am writing it again because I want to lay claim to my success in the new year.

I just spent another hour out there shoveling. I need a strong man in my life for real.

  1. Finish my book completely published in 2018
  2. lose 80 pounds (praying no stressful situations will have me in the fast food drive-thrus)
  3. My baby talking (I am praying by four we will be talking to each other)
  4. Pray daily ( I don’t have time or space for a vision board. I am going to pray for what I need, want and desire each day)
  5. Get into a relationship(This will be hard but not impossible, Major trust issues to work on, but I am finally ready to work on them)

I don’t remember my original list that disappeared but this one is good also. I hate the snow and a few days ago was the first storm. It makes me miss Atlanta in a big way. My two-way street is not a narrow one way. My mother is concerned about the transportation picking up Ava. He usually doubled park. My feet are frozen pops right now. I have to wait until Ava falls asleep for my mother and I will try and get the snow blower running again. It knocked out last night and we are hoping after a good night rest it starts working again.

Past Crush

I had a neighbor I was in love with from 10-22. I didn’t really love him I was obsessed with him. The problem is he only dated white girls. Very high end from wealthy family white girls. He did try me once. He was having a party at his house when we’re teenagers. He was drunk so I felt it was the alcohol that created the interest. I was upset that he had to be drunk to like me and I left without anything happening. Then in my early 20’s I ran into him while I was on break from college, alcohol came into effect again and we actually had sex. Yes, it squashed any emotion I ever had for the man after. It was totally awful and life went on.

Well, now he is not doing well. He is addicted to alcohol and back at home. He had such a bright future. I thought he would be a future CEO or a politician of some kind. I have only run into him once and I was shocked. I had not seen him in over 20 years. He didn’t look bad, but not what I expected.

We have several great neighbors. His mother is one or best residents. She keeps the neighborhood in line. She is always looking out for people. So she was out of town and gave my mother her sons number, he would be there by himself. I cooked for Christmas which is hilarious. Not something I thought I would ever do, but the food came out delicious. I made a ham, spaghetti and meatballs and lemon pepper wings. I need to work on side dishes, but no one complained. Well, my aunt complained, but I wasn’t stopping her from cooking some sides.

My mom called him and asked him if he wanted some food the next day. He basically indicated there was no food in the house. Due to a family emergency, his mother and his stepdad would not be home for an extended period of time.  I was heartbroken he didn’t have any food. We fixed him several things from the dinner and I raided my freezer for anything I could give him. Due to autism, I have bought a lot of things Ava refuses to eat. I could not bring myself to throw out good food. I sent my mother over there with several trash bags worth of stuff. He was very appreciative. I know addiction, my family is full of addicts. I included, food is my addiction.

I am praying for him to get this all turned around and having a grand testimony of success. No one can predict the future. Did I think at 10 this boy wouldn’t be successful in the future? Hell no, I thought my fat ass was the loser and would end up nowhere.

Some Bullshit

A person contacted me to interview me about being a single mother by choice and my Youtube channel. I waited for her to call during our appointment we set up and no call. I am sick of being disappointed. It was known skin off my back really. I was really excited that a major magazine was interested in my story. To be honest it was an email online. I have no idea if this person was real.

I work through a lot of disappointment. When you feel you always get the short end of the stick. Every time I complain, I always feel like shit because I have a very decent life. My child is autistic with seizures, which is a club I would have never joined on my own. I don’t think anyone wants a membership to that club. I saw this on Facebook and I had hope again.

24991368_1884062021622521_4329735449812239914_nThe hope ends when I stop striving. Whatever the outcome I need to continue the fight. The fight for my child and my dreams. Which my child was a dream that came to reality. So her talking and living the greatest life can be another dream come true!!

No Confidence

I started working on my book again. I took a long five-month break. I was watching a guy on youtube going on that rant. I think I mention that on the blog before. I worked for a few weeks. I thought I was making progress. On this particular Saturday, I put in several hours. I kept feeling my book sucked.

I know this is self-deprecating. I really can’t help it. It is a great story that I would love to be a best seller. I don’t really know if the book is awful. This is just a reflection of how I been feeling about myself these days.

Where is my confidence? I need to have more appreciation for myself. I took a break and started writing blog posts. I really have many things I could be working on. Ava peed on the potty twice today. Then I fell off working on my book. I wish I could afford a nanny. My dreams every time I scratch one of my lottery tickets.

I will get back to this book tonight. I need to fight my fears. What do I have to lose? If no one likes it or buys it. I should careless. Pursuing your dreams has never been betrayed as easy.

Upcoming MRI

I had to schedule an MRI for Ava. I pushed it back as far as they would let me. I know this is crazy but I am not looking forward to this test.

They have to put her to sleep. Which scares the shit out of me. I did an MRI in my teenage years. It feels like you are in a coffin. I am praying there isn’t anything wrong with my baby. I hope the seizures will never happen again. Now I am in no rush to put her in her own room. We can share indefinitely.  I canceled my appointments because I have so many for Ava. Mine can wait a few months. I know I have to take care of myself. I am taking a lot of time off work for Ava and I need my job. I don’t want them giving me the side eye.

I really like my job. Even though they are about to take our parking and making our park in the neighborhood. Why do I find these job with parking issues I do not know.

Fish Oil success

When the speech therapist said she felt Ava had Speach Apraxia. When I asked to explain further she said she doesn’t have speech Apraxia she has Apraxia like behavior. What the hell that means I don’t know.

I comb the internet as usual. I found many articles that stated fish oil helps Apraxia and late talkers. Of course, I jumped on that information.children dhaI bought the Children’s DHA. I had to buy the liquid version. Ava is not going to eat anything she doesn’t recognize. I immediately noticed she started babbling more. Then in a Facebook group, they started to go up from 2.5ml to 5ml. The week I started the increase she was watching her Tablet and Barney Itsy bitsy spider came on. She started to do the movements with her fingers. I am sure to the average person that doesn’t sound like much. For my child it is monumental. She has not imitated up to this point. She doesn’t mind if you do it, she doesn’t want to do it herself.

Then the speech therapist report came in a few days later.

Here is what it said:

Ava had an awesome session today!!! She imitated so many movements (itsy bitsy, lifting arms for yay, swimming and clapping hands) She didn’t imitate sounds but did put her hand on her mouth showing emerging awareness of what I want her to be able to do. She was engaging the whole session.

When I read that I fell to the ground. Every report prior to this was awful. She cried, she was tired, She watches me do this or that but didn’t participate. I cannot let the coincident go that the week I up the fish oil we finally get a good report. We finished that bottle and I moved onto a new brand this woman was pushing on Facebook.

PR108This brand has Omega 6 and other vitamins that were not in the first brand. I am going to go through this bottle and document what I notice. After the bottle is almost gone I will decide if I will continue this brand or go back to the prior brand.

I am so desperate for my child to talk. #AUTISMMOM

Feeding Evaulation

I was freaking out about the food I was bringing to the evaluation. I stress over the little things. Finding parking was a nightmare. If anyone knows where Boston Children’s Hospital is located, you know it is a traffic nightmare. The test was three buildings over from the hospital. I went to two different parking lot to finally end up in the correct one.

Ava ended up eating Mac & Cheese and mandarin oranges. The verdict she has no physical issue why she doesn’t eat but four things.

She said her food choices are sensory. She had some dried veggies and Ava brought it to her lips. She didn’t take a bite. She said that was great. Other children wouldn’t even do that.

I also tried to give her pepperoni. She screamed like a mad woman when I put it on her plate. Clearly not going to be one of her favorite foods. We got home in one peace. One appointment down. Many to go!!!