“You gotta be able to smile through the bullshit.” – Tupac ​

giphy-downsized Life is full of bullshit. I am trying to smile my way through it. It is hard and difficult. I wish every day it can get a little easier. I am blessed in many ways. My thought process can be so difficult when it comes to my struggles in life.

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Another diagnosis

Childhood speech Apraxia

Ava speech therapist at the autism center says she has Apraxia. I don’t know how I feel about it. I am happy if this diagnosis will get my baby to talk. To learn that my baby brain is not working correctly for her to talk is heartbreaking. I wanted some good news. I am not sure if they are good. I asked her if she has seen 3-year-olds talk and catch up with this Apraxia. She said she has. So I am keeping hope alive.

Praying hard to finally hear the words mommy on a regular basis. She has only been in the autism center for two months. It seems that she is doing well. I want things to go faster, but it seems to be going on her own terms.

I have to be patient and let the process work. I am advocating on every front. The OT wants her to get a feeding evaluation at children’s hospital. My baby has a lot of issues. From muscle tone, speech, sensory, feeding. I wish we could catch a break some damn where. I know things could be worse. I am just in my why my brain tonight. Hopefully, it will change tomorrow.

Saturday Bust

I had plans to go to my fathers. He wanted to see Ava. It has been awhile since we have been over there. I was going to take a few hours and go shopping for myself. Something I don’t do often for any reason. First I hate shopping. Second Ava is not easy to go shopping with. She is all over the place when we are out. I can not take a minute and try on shoes if she is on the lose. I was going to take time and do a few things for myself. Well, Friday night thank god I took a shower and gave Ava a bath. Our water heater broke. Almost flooded the basement. Thank god my mother saw it before the water did damage. So we have no hot water. We called the plumber (ex-boyfriend). Of course, his ass is in Jamaica. He did contact us back. He will be there until next weekend.

I was thinking what the hell!!! His brother is supposed to put it in today. He had to get to the plumbing supply place before noon and is closed. Well, I found out he did pick up the water heater. He has yet to make it to my house. It is almost 2:30pm. Clearly, we aren’t going anywhere today. Ava is all over the place. The days of her sitting in the living room with all her toys are over. She has to be all over the house causing problems.

I am annoyed that my day is pretty much sitting in the house waiting for this guy to show up. On any other random Saturday, it wouldn’t really make a difference because I don’t do much. The day I have plans this happens. Not shocking it really my luck. I feel bad complaining because all of Puerto Rico doesn’t have power. So my bullshit problem is clearly bullshit.

When your FAITH is decreasing!!!

My faith uses to be indestructible. Lately, it has dwindled so much. I know people say you can have faith as little as a mustard seed and god will do the rest. I lived in the bible belt for 15 years. So I stole that saying.

I have lived my life not religious but very spiritual and having a whole lot of faith. All in all, I have had a very blessed life. I am still having a hard time with Ava autism. Not the fact that she has autism. I pretty much accepted that and I do everything to advocate for her. The unknown has been keeping me up at night. I am shedding a lot of tears and having a lot of anxiety about my daughter future. The reason is no one knows anything. They can’t predict the future and they refuse to try.

I have no idea what I am dealing with long-term and it scares the shit out of me. Will I have a child that will need constant care? Or will she get over the hump and strive beyond her peers. I love this little girl, but I feel so guilty on many levels that this is my fault. I know it isn’t rationale but shit none of these thoughts are rational. If I had some faith I would take all this one day at a time and have faith. That is how I lived my life for many many years. Now it is a struggle.

I want to go to church. I am still not a religious person, but I need a weekly uplifting. I was told about a church that has a daycare that accepts autistic children. Which is another battle? I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I have a fear of leaving my child with anyone. Putting her on that transportation took a lot out of me. So the church daycare would be another struggle for me. I need something to get me out of my feelings of defeat.

The worst day!!

Ava was put on the transportation by my mom. I am usually at work already taking a nap in my office parking lot. I know it sounds crazy, but my job has a parking space issues. I have anxiety issues that flare up when I am pressured in looking for a place to park. Especially when I am under pressure to get somewhere on time. Such as a job or a job interview. To not have an anxiety attack I tend to get places early.

I don’t actually enter my job until the time work starts. I don’t have a key to get in and I don’t have to work overtime at this job. So my mom usually calls if the transportation is late. She wants me to call and see where they are at. Or she calls when Ava is off to school. Then the Autism center is instructed to send my mother and I a text saying Ava got there. Well, my mom called me back after she said Ava was off. I said whats up, annoyed because she was interrupting my nap.

She state Ava threw up on the bus and they are bringing her back and hung up the phone. I know two other children that were throwing up last week at the Autism Center. I was hoping this illness skipped Ava no luck there.

I called my mom later and they said throw up was everywhere. They didn’t take her out the car seat. When my mother came outside they sat her on the sidewalk car seat and all. My mother said the throw up was everywhere. The driver was acting like he was going to be next tossing his cookies.

My mother hasn’t had to deal with Ava for a whole day in a long while. So Ava was driving her crazy because she was getting into everything. I called the transportation and told them she wouldn’t be back to school until Monday. Since she got sick on Thursday, give her a few days to make sure she is alright.

So after that morning drama. I have to work late on Thursday. On my way home I was rear-ended by an older man on the highway. So I ended up getting home two hours later than usual. It was a horrible day and my car is some bullshit I didn’t need. Thank god I didn’t get hurt. #REALLIFE

More Test!!

I had a meeting with the OT at Ava autism center. She is finishing her evaluation. She said Ava need a feeding evaluation. All I could think of is damn more test. I have a series of things I have going on. Ava pediatrician is leaving. I really like her. I now have to call the insurance company on this feeding evaluation.   If they cover it and, how much will I have to pay.

I also have to get the medical records for her Ears, Nose and throat test. I just found out that the man who conducted the test retired. The OT wants to see the results. When I was there the doctor said she was fine. All this feels never ending.

When the love of your life text you!!

I have been thinking about him. He has crossed my mind at least once a week maybe more. On a random Sunday, I looked at my phone. There was a text: Hello, how are you doing good I hope.

I saw this text two hours after it was sent. I never look at my phone. No one calls me, or text me like that, to keep up with my phone. I was shocked and wanted to talk to him immediately. I text him with no response due to the time of my reply I figured he was a sleep.

How does my heart still skip a beat? Just because he is thinking about me. How I still love? To this man that didn’t act right. If he asked me to marry him I would be ready to say yes?

I am not a stupid woman. I have many things that would hold me back. He asked how I was doing? He has gotten in touch with me over the years. For mere curiosity not for anything deep. So I am not going to let my mind go there. We will see if he responds. I will say I am going to bed with him on my mind.

Angels in my life

I have people in my life who are angels. They might not realize it. I should spend more time telling them. I have a friend who reads my blog religiously and sends me a text about my updates. My friends who haven’t forgotten about me when I left Atlanta. A lot of folks forgot about me when I first left Boston and moved to Atlanta. Ava god mother who I met in 1997 at my first job out of college.

She is one of the few who stay in contact and visited and her friendship never wavered even after I left my place of birth. She still is inviting and enjoy my friendship as I do hers. My friend that came to visit me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We enjoyed Boston in a way I never have before.

The woman I met in an Autism Group who took it upon herself to guide me in the struggles of being a #autism mom. My friend and I (my other autism mom buddy) bought this woman a gift. I tried to compliment her in several ways. She is so humble she never really accepts my compliment. She is the reason Ava is at the autism center. She guided my friend and I with so many resources. How do you THANK a person like that? How do I show God god blessed me by bringing her in my life at the right time?  I bought her a plaque. I cropped out her name on the top.

autism mom

We are also going to give her 100 Visa gift card. She deserves ten times more. My mother and my aunt. They drive me crazy, but their love for me has never wavered. Their love for Ava is strong. They are my number one angels!! They are my up front village. That makes my journey in motherhood not so lonely.

Tears for my baby!!!

I wanted to start with I schedule these post out. So I can keep a constant flow of content. I write them when I have the time or during my emotional dramas. This particular Sunday I woke up with nothing to do. I feel like a horrible parent if I kept my child in the house too often. I called a friend who loves us to come over. I never go over there. I knew her since the third grade. Ava loves it at her house. I have no real reason why I don’t go over there more often. She has four kids. Her oldest is adopted her only girl which she took her in after her mother died. A friend of hers from High School. We went to a very big High School so I didn’t know the girl until years after we graduated. Her daughter loves playing with Ava and watching her. Which gives me a big break. I can actually converse with my friend and feel like I can have some adult time. 20708309_10154739282880785_1644540416486451776_n

Well her youngest is two and we had a cute conversation. He likes Ava to and kept bringing her toys. He would say this is for Ava that is for Ava. I told my friend I wish Ava could talk. She is over a year older than her son. She said don’t compare them. He doesn’t have autism. I know she is right but my soul was sinking hearing this little boy talk to me and ask me questions.

We stayed for several hours. I got in the car ready to go. I cried all the way home. I want to hear my baby voice. I want to hear mommy come from her lips. No one can tell me she will talk. I mean no one will say those words. My now close friend who daughter goes to the autism center with Ava. We put them in together. They told her, her daughter will talk. She is saying her ABC’s and singing songs. She has also been in preschool for a year and is older than Ava. I know these kids are all different. I know I can’t predict the future and no one else can. Please God Please give my baby words. Help her to be successful and be able to handle life on her own. My worries my fears are great. My love is deep, my heart is broken with this word I never dreamed would be a part of my life. AUTISM

Dating Not working Out

I joined Eharmony. I met one guy that it hasn’t been great. To be honest I haven’t put much time into it. We were supposed to meet for a date. I am not feeling it, so why would I waste my time. He seems like an OK guy. Still, I am not drawn to meeting him.

I would rather go get my nails done. So that is exactly what I am going to do. Since my life has been so full of stress. Men are really low on the list of my life. I had a lonely moment and signed up for a few dating sites. Now I am feeling like deleting my profiles again. #mommylife