Big feet!!

My whole family has big feet. Ava is in the crew. Her feet are not wide, but they are long. They grow all the time. I am always investing in shoes. After Striderite closed, I bought my own foot measure. I also take her to Payless on occasion. Thank God for the internet. The only problem with buying shoes on the internet you never know if they are comfortable.

Since I gained weight my feet are huge. I am most comfortable wearing sneakers. I always like sneakers the best. Every season I would find one or two pairs of shoes I can deal with. Since I can wear sneakers at work, I haven’t even done that.

I have turned into someone who does not sweat the small stuff at all. I have five pairs of the same black yoga pants. I decided I am not squishing my fat into anything uncomfortable again.

I am over feeling stuffed into anything.

Cute face!!

I know I am biased but my baby face is cute. I was told she is one of the favorites at the autism center. She likes to hug people and can be friendlier then I want her to be. I went to pick her up when she was sick. I always talk to the therapist as they are eating lunch. Several of the girls were telling me they loved working with her.

Then the girl who brought her out said I only got you for twenty minutes today. She seemed disappointed Ava was leaving.

Ava is a happy kid. Other than the tears I get when I ask her to do things she doesn’t want to do. The tears are usually fake and overdramatic. Most of the time she has a smile for me. Yes, she has her tablet too much. Yes, she is spoiled. Yes, she is the love of my life. I don’t think I am the greatest mom. There are things I am lacking. No one can be perfect in everything. I guess I am a good mom. It is hard for me to take compliments in that department. I am always beating myself up for things I could do better. I always strive for more.

Will she ever talk??

I can get discouraged on occasion. Will my child ever talk. Will she ever catch up. There are times when I feel Ava is very smart. Other times I feel like she a four-year-old teenager that doesn’t want to do what I ask. Other times I don’t know what to think. Right now my mother helps so much, I am scared to face life without my mother in the picture. It’s not just child care. It is special needs childcare. Who do I trust with a child that doesn’t talk?

I wish I didn’t have to work and could be more hands-on with Ava. It is hard not only do I work I sit in traffic a lot. I come home tired and stressed. She is a high maintenance child. With all her medical needs, doctors appointment, parenting training. I am beat with the reality of having an autistic child. I find myself jealous of other people and their kids. I know everyone has there problems. I was jealous of a friend. She has a son a year younger than Ava. He talks and is potty trained. The grass looks greener. With that being said my friend is sick and doing through major medical problems. She has several kids and a husband. All this to say life isn’t easy for most people.

I do want to be easier for me. Will she ever talk. No one knows. All I can do is wish and pray she surprises me and actually calls me mom one day.

Dreams/Goals

I have many dreams I am working on. They are actually my future goals. I would love to meet a man that loves me and Ava. Start a family with someone I can depend on. I would like one more child. I would like to give birth to that child, but wouldn’t rule out adoption.

I would love my own place. Living with my mom has major benefits, but I miss my independence. I would love for my book to be successful. With that man with a job and some benefits. I can be a stay at home mom, and working on my projects when the kids are at school or have a babysitter when needed.

I have to say all these things out loud. I do believe in the law of attraction and bringing these things into my life.

I have another book to start working on. I actually have about 30 pages. I started writing it years ago. I need to catch up with my past life and projects. Many things on the horizon.

Selling myself!!

My book is complete. I have to get my business license back to open a bank account. Once that is done, I can work on my publishing date. I also have to sell myself. My plan is to send a copy of the book to famous people in the autism community. I need to draft a letter to persuade them to market my book.

I am having a hard time with this letter. I am not secure enough to sell myself. I wish I could farm this out to someone else. I need to work on it and see what I can do. I have been procrastinating lately.  There are many things on my agenda. I have been tired lately and been going to bed when Ava goes to bed.

I need to stay up for several hours after Ava goes to bed. It is going to be difficult to live my dreams. I am making time for this blog. It was on my list of things I wanted to do in 2019.  It is therapeutic to write out my feelings. I need all the free therapy I can handle.

 

Ran into!!

I ran into the guy I turned down. He was gracious and nice. I ran into him again at the grocery store. I am still into this guy. I sent him a text that I like you. He texts me back that he liked me too.

I don’t feel like a fat unattractive lump when he is around. I might have to give this a chance against my better judgment. I haven’t totally made the decision. I will keep you posted.

Ava has been sick again. I had to pick her up from school. Four other kids were also sent home. I took her to urgent care they cleared her, but when I got her home she threw up.  She went to sleep at 5pm and woke up at midnight. My mom was with her and told me she didn’t get to bed until 4am.

I went to work and called my mother. She wasn’t doing well at all. I had a house full of sick people. I stopped at CVS and got emergency. I can’t afford to be sick. I am hoping that a high dose of vitamin C will prevent me from catching my child’s germs.

 

NEED TO READ EMAILS

I use an online software Grammarly. I bought it for a coupon last year. My subscription was up. A few weeks ago I an email them to ask if I would be charged at the discounted rate or the new rate. It is my fault I didn’t read the whole email. Since I bought it through a coupon, my payment information was not on the website.

They canceled my subscriptions. Obviously, I complained. Then I realized it was entirely my fault. Who the hell has time to read emails? I wasn’t in the space to pay attention. They felt bad for me and gave me a discount. Not as good as the one I had prior.

I try and stay on top of everything. Things do fall through the cracks, and sometimes it is my fault. If it were not my fault, I would raise hell to make sure they accommodated me. I paid someone on FIVVEER to edit my book. I kept looking at it making changes over and over. I had no idea if I was doing the right thing. My confidence was going down the drain with every edit I made.

I should have it in a few weeks. They are going to send it with Track changes so I can see the edits they made. I am still working on publishing in February, but things are going slow. I am writing this on a Sunday. I did nothing today, but watch TV. I need a day to vegetate. I do feel bad not taking Ava anywhere. I haven’t really shared my daughter with the world for months. Next week we are going to Granddad’s house. I pray there is a cool movie out I can watch. If not I will find something to do with myself while she is visiting with my dad.

I had no mental energy to be productive today. You need a break sometimes.

Making an investment

This is the year I am making an investment in myself. I have been Lazor focussed on Ava for the past three years. I let myself go in so many ways I don’t want to discuss it. I haven’t kept in touch with friends and I miss them.

My life has been challenging to say the least, but I need to get out of this hole I am in. I wouldn’t say my life fell apart. I feel as if I crashed into a wall of depression and grief. A lot has happened and I am not dealing with it in the best way.

I bought this laptop which has come to be a great purchase. It is easier to use laying in my bed. Sitting at a desk 40 hours a week, then coming home to do the same is torture. I’ve been productive and that makes the purchase less frivolous.

I bought a very low budget laptop so I will need to use my desktop for several projects. Keeping up with this blog and my novels I am working on is its sole purpose. Steven King commits to writing so many words a day. I am working on making similar commitments. I need to change my habits to gain success.

I received my plus size work out gear from Walmart today. I bought cheap work out shoes and I am ready to do some basic workouts.  Exercise is not my thing, pushing myself to do it will be difficult.

255.8

No more hiding I am coming clean in 2019. I weighed myself on January 1. I started the KETO diet today. I know it is cliche to start a diet on the first of the year. I went to the grocery store and spent 200 bucks on myself. Usually, I am running around the store to find the few things Ava eats. Then I don’t plan my meals and end up eating crap. Well, today on the first of the year I am going to deal with meal prep for the rest of the week.

When I was in the 12 step program for food that is what worked. Having the food already in the fridge and all I had to do was pop it in the microwave. I have a goal of 100 pounds. Well, a little under 100 pounds I want to be 160. Which might seem too small for my six-foot body. I am not a curvy woman. I have more of a basketball player frame straight up and down. My weight extends to my stomach. Giving me the pregnancy look with no baby in site. All my weight has brought me is depression, fat clothes, and self-loathing.

My first meal this morning was a spinach omelet with 3 pieces of bacon. I am drinking coffee with heavy cream. I have a notebook which I will document everything going in my mouth. I also weigh my food. My brain knows nothing concerning portion control.

I have started over 100 times in the past few years. What will make this different, I have no idea. I am sick of being sick and tired.