Baby Project #35

The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.

I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.

He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.

I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.

To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.

I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.

 

That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!

 

Boring Sunday!!

I am home on a Sunday afternoon. I am doing absolutely nothing. I need to get a hobby. My roommates are at church. My roommate mom is upstairs. I am down in the living room watching a corny romantic comedy that I have seen before. The dogs are enjoying my company. Lucky them!!

I changed my profile back to Georgia. I might be optimistic. They haven’t offered me the job. Well corrections they have offered me the job they haven’t met my salary terms. I am not excited for a promotions or the extra responsibilities. I am looking forward to ttc with less financial stress.

I have to say I am a little disappointed that my move is delayed. I was looking forward to going back to Boston. Get back in with family and friends I left. I wasn’t looking forward to the cold and snow at all. New experiences was on my agenda of excitement. I guess I have to make that happen here. There has been some stress where I am living. I am not going to go into that in this blog. I am hoping it calms down and there is more peace.

With this  job comes a comfort level at the job. I know the politics and how the place works.  I wouldn’t be the new person having morning sickness and needing days off.

I started acupuncture again. I went on Friday. I told her I was beginning my fertility treatments soon. I was relaxed after the treatment. I actually felt my ovaries pounding. Hopefully they are getting prepared for baby making. I couldn’t have planned all this in my life. The twist and turns is not predictable at all. I am praying I get the job with the salary I want, and get pregnant quickly.

I am ready to go!!

User:Grunt's insane stamp.

 

My direct boss went to work for our sister company. My boss, boss gave her notice. I think the writing is on the wall. I am ready to give my notice also. Well give my notice in my head. My date to give my notice in reality is the second week of January to move in February. I wish it could be tomorrow.

 

I told my boss, boss that I am not taking on crazy responsibility and I am not sleeping at this job. If they let me go they do. I will go to Boston with an unemployment check. Which would actually be great for me. I severely doubt that is going to happen. They actually value me here. At-least they have in the past. With new management coming in it is anyone guess how things are going to go. I just want everything to go in my favor. Wouldn’t that be nice!!!

 

I did win on a scratch ticket. I haven’t found out how much. So I can fantasy all day about my next step if I have won. As I stated many times before my fantasy life is so much better than my reality. I want it to be the reverse. Then life would get very interesting.

 

Now for the real news. X boyfriend that I wished dead contacted me. Yes I talked to him. It was a decent conversation. First text then ended in verbal. How about he started talking about marriage. Yes, can you believe that. Okay let me clear this up. I made a joke about marriage and he alluded to us talking about getting married. Shocked is what I was. You know I love this man. I have to, to put up with all his shit all these years. Should we get married. When I think of all the shit I put up with I would say hell no. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is something totally different. Am I ready to say yes to this. absolutely not!! It might be his last-ditch attempt to keep me. He knows I am out of the state in four months. He knows I am going home to get pregnant. Which was actually his job not to long ago.

 

I have no idea what to do. I did tell him, I would have to hear something really extra special for me to change my plans. Shit that still might not be enough. I am sick of being disappointed by this man. Can I say what well happen at this point. NO!!! Life is stranger than fiction. My life is not different.

 

You couldn’t have convince me five years ago, I would be buying sperm online and living with my mother again.  We will see!! Presently nothing has changed but the man I have had known for 12 years creating controversy. God HELP ME!!

 

Not to mention every time I see another wedding or baby on Facebook I want to delete my profile. I guess I also have issues. But what else is NEW!!!

 

I might have F@#! up!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Mr. Persistence showed up on my yahoo IM. I met him in 2005 via the internet. He was new to Atlanta  when we originally met and he was parting. So I didn’t want to start anything with him . I felt he would learn about the Atlanta night life and forget my name. That happens with a lot of newbies. We fooled around in 2005 nothing major. He consistently would come in my life and see how I was doing. He has always asked to hang out. We got in several arguments over the years. Presently I can’t think of what most of them were about.

The random arguments would always make me think we could never work out. I felt he was very critical of me at times. I am very sensitive about criticisms. Some time would pass and he would contact me again like nothing happened. Well fast forward seven years. He contacted me again and was flirting. We all know how I have been feeling lately. I fell in hook line and sinker. He came over and we went to a place we haven’t been in the seven years we known each other.

We talked after and I wonder where this was going. I told him about my moving plans. I guess in my fantasy I thought he was at his home just as lonely as I was. This is totally in my mind because I never asked. I just went with my feelings and my body aches. He is dating. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had no expectation when he came in the door. Now I have expectations when he is leaving. That is why casual sex for me is not a good idea. I don’t really no what to do in this situation. He didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. I don’t want to feel bad about myself on any level.

I have expectations but I have no idea what they are. I am confused! Hopefully the fog will clear soon. I have had casual sexual relationships before. This is with men I knew I didn’t want. I can’t say that about him. That might be a problem. I new casual sex is not my thing any longer. My body doesn’t know it but I am going to have to keep the mind focus. Mr Persistence hasn’t called. Which puts him in the ass hole category in my book. Which I probably knew all along. He caught me at the right time and place. It is all about timing. Lesson learned life moves on!!

I have 99 problems and man ain’t one!!!

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella

Cinderella - Prince Charming & Cinderella (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did a little paraphrasing from a rap song. I am sure you get the point. I swear I thought for a long time a man, a partner was going to be a cure to a lot of my issues. I have to say looking back a man has been a big part of my issues.

1) Looking for love in all the wrong places

I can’t expect a man to love me when I don’t love myself. If a man did love me in this state of mind I wouldn’t be in the position to receive his love. I wouldn’t believe I deserve it.

2) Trying to figure out how he feels

We as women spend countless hours trying to make sence of what a man feels, thinks and acts. The truth is we will never truly know. Also they are usually to much of wimps to tell you the truth. There are never going to say I just wanted to have sex with you. I told you everything you wanted to hear to get what I wanted. Or I had a girlfriend/Wife when I met you. Or I am just an asshole who likes to get my way and what you want doesn’t matter. We will never get the truth. At least in most situations I have never gotten the truth.

3) Emotional Drama

I have had many men use me for an emotional punching bag. Especially when his words never mirror his actions. I am hanging on like a puppy for he to give me half of what I put into the relationship.

4) Low Self-Esteem

I know my self-esteem has played a major part of how and why I let men drag me down.When my esteem is high my thoughts are not consumed by the prince charming coming into my life. If I really think about it the I have never really had a prince charming. I have had many randoms a few devils and some that are good friends. Prince charming not even close.

5) I don’t need to be saved

There was a man I was in totally love with. He wasn’t that interest in me because I didn’t need to be saved. He was part of the save a hoe tribe. He liked a hoe he had to save. Single mother struggling to pay her bills. Needed him to pull her up from her tragic life. I never been that girl.  I always handled my business. So pretty much he dropped me for a girl he could save.

6) Who am I without a man

I a valued human being. I might not have a sex life or a male companion to take me out. I have to say my single life does bring me freedom from a lot of drama. Especially the mental drama I put myself through when a male is in my life.

7) My terms

The next man I allow into my life will be on my terms. I refuse to compromise. When I compromise I always except way less than I deserve. Then trying to convince myself the whole time that is okay because he Blah blah. I will not fill in the blanks or make any more excuses for a man not doing what he needs to do to keep me. He will be history immediately. At least that is the plan.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am getting off the insane bus when it comes to men!!!

Ex’s of Christmas past!

Mega Millions logo

This must be the week of my ex’s resurfacing. Another ex called me last night. We are friends and I usually call him every six months or so to see if he is ok.

Well he called out the blue. I was shocked. I told him my plans of moving home and having a baby. He said I should re think this. I told him has he ever known me to not have  plan. I am a very responsible person. I know this short sale is going to ruin my credit. I also know I will never make back the 60K my house is upside down. I know I will never be able to afford a baby in GA. I didn’t need his you need to think about it advise. I know he cares and that he had no malice. None of my decisions were made lightly.

He said I thought you would get married and have kids. My first thought is your ass didn’t want to marry me. What made you think I was so enticing to others. I thought I would be married and have kids also. I am not far from 40 and that shit didn’t happen. So I am moving to plan B. If I have to explain to one more person that this is not how I want it to be, I am going to scream. Thank god for my single mother by choice friends. They seem to be the only ones that understand my position.

I don’t have to justify myself to him. Also he knew I was serious and let it go in a matter of minutes. He said he can’t believe I am moving home. He never thought that would happen. Well damn I didn’t either. I have to do what I have to do.

Everyone is buzzing about the half a billion dollars in the mega million right now. I still play the lottery. Now I am happy to say the lottery dream is not the only way to achieve my dream.

Men!!

 Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk

The one single mother by choice meeting I went to something interesting was said. My friend that came with me was in a relationship. One of the members said do not delay your plans for that relationship. Then you are further behind the eight ball.

She did hold off her plans and the relationship ended. Well Doctor dude has faded in to obscurity. You would think I would be upset but he was not interrupting my plans at all. He was a fantasy that I never really felt would go anywhere. I kept a little hope but not enough to care. I wish him the best but I refuse to call him again.

Then ex boyfriend text me. Yes he text because he is to much of a punk to call. He is getting off the road and going into the office on a permanent basis. My first thought is why the hell are you telling me. I have long since let my resentment go against him.

I decided to call because I don’t text and drive. He answered. We had casual conversation. I told him congrats for getting off the road. I told him my plans of trying to move back home as soon as possible. The man acted devastated and actually tried to convince me that was not what I wanted to do. I thought this fool can not be serious. Then he said keep him posted.

That is when I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I have to be honest. There is no way in hell I was keeping him posted. He sounded shocked like what did I do. Now I was really mad. I told him this is the first I talked to you in many months. You text me because you were to much of a coward to call me. You can’t act like a grown man and take your lumps when you are wrong. I harbor no resentments against you and I wish you the best. BUT you showed me who the hell you are. I can’t even put you in a friend category. It is all about you. Then my last statement stung. Which I am happy it did. I told him it is my fault. Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result. I was insane to ever date you again. You are and always will be the unreliable jerk I dated before. So it isn’t your fault it is mine.

Then he says in a sorry voice I am a bad person. I got really pissed and said look I don’t want to hear that crap. Have a good day and I wish you the best.

I am sick of men wanting to make them selves feel better for being ass holes. I finally have a plan and I am so happy. I want it to happen quicker. At least I have a plan!!

WTF!!

I don’t know what I expected. I am so excited with my dream of motherhood coming to be. Why I am not getting a parade of excitement is kind of pissing me off. My mother of course can’t wait. It is others ruining my buzz to actually have a plan.

A few other people are worried about the ramifications from my credit with this manner of dumping my property. Do they know I was willing to walk away from this property. I still would. Do they realize I have no partner and I accepted that crap. I cannot and will not accept not having children. My prior plan was waiting on lottery winnings. I saw no way out!!

They don’t understand my desperation. How I want to scream from the dam roof tops it is un fair. Granted no one told me life was fair. Also with my past I should already know that ten times over.

Can a girl get some moral support from her village. NO that seems like to much for people. It is funny I have this aunt who is so sensitive about her feelings. God forbid I hurt her feelings. Which I have hurt her feelings and sometimes I don’t feel bad. Not that I do it on purpose. The reason for not feelings bad is she will stomp all over others feelings all the time. What about do un to others as you want done to yourself.

I have only been talking about a baby for a year. Do they really think I give a shit about real estate. Home ownership is very much overrated. I was worried about my credit. Now I could careless about that either. I do want some buying power don’t get me wrong. I will need another car eventually. I might need to use a credit card. That is just not my main concern right now.

I need to get them out of my head and not give a crap. It is a let down when you think people will be happy for you and they are not. Well I will be happy for myself. God is good. I am not standing still in my baby making dreams. I have a possible plan to make it happen. I am beyond excited and everyone else can kiss my ass!!!

My life has some direction. I can’t wait to meet this guy this weekend to talk about the short sale. I am so ready to get this party started. I hope it all works out!!!

I do have a funny. I told Doctor Dude. Well he was half sleep when I told him my plan. Even half sleep he seemed disappointed. I am not really a Beyoncé fan, but I told him he didn’t put a ring on it I have to do what I have to do! LMAO!! Get on a plane dude then we can talk. Other than that I don’t have time for B.S.