Crazy is as Crazy does!!

As I mentioned before it is easy to meet crazy people on the internet. I have been watching too much ID discovery Stalked. When men act to damn aggressive and we barely know each other I run. Red flag, Red flag abort. Well the new guy I met online. We had two conversations. By the second conversation it was abort time.

First conversation was ok. No bells and whistles. We are both single and don’t like it blah, blah. I had the feeling he was a bit desperate. I am not into desperate men. It can lead to a lot of problems. He said he had to call me back. I told him when I was going to bed and said if he doesn’t make it to call me the next day.

Well in the morning I got a I am sorry I didn’t call got in late. That was fine no biggie. Then during the day I get about five more random text messages. He got one response early in the morning. First of all I am not a texter. My cell is in my purse in the drawer of my desk. I have no idea when it is going off usually. I don’t text at work often. Especially since it takes me forever to type anything.

Well by his third text with no response the desperation started to show. He didn’t want to be a pest. He knows I am ok.

I am thinking dude really. We talked once. Well my cell phone battery isn’t worth crap. When I got home from work I put it on the charger up stairs and played my Sims 3 for hours. About 12am I looked at it and saw his messages. Did I mention I got a you must be busy goodnight text.

I text him sorry phone was on the charger goodnight. I was headed to bed. He text back I am still up. All this texting made me nervous. What is up with this crazy person.

So the next day I still get these random text which I did not respond. Then he calls in the evening. I was not in the best mood. There was a big lay off at my job. Thank god I am still employed. I have to say I was a little jealous of the women who had husband with jobs who were laid off. As we know I don’t have one of those. Needless to say I was spared thank god because I need my job.

Well he try to mirror my tone that something was wrong. I said what is wrong with you. He said I am trying to be supportive. I swear I thought what the hell is the twilight zone. I got off the phone with him saying I was just not in a good mood. Then the texting started coming. I hope you are okay, I feel like you are blowing me off, Pray about it and let me know what you want to do.

That was it. No doubts this fool is crazy. I had to let him know I wasn’t feeling his stalker nature. I talked to you once in two days. What the hell is your problem. He wanted to explain. I said not thanks I am good this is not going to work.

I dodged a bullet with that crazy. I told Doctor Dude. He seemed a bit jealous that I was talking to other men. What the hell am I supposed to do wait on him. Ah hell no. I haven’t even met the man. He did agree dude was crazy. Thank god I have radar and figured this out before there was ever a meet and great. I hope he got the message and never contacts me again. He is crazy he might try!!!

Excitment!!

No Joke!

I never want to get to excited. I hate being disappointed. It comes from a mother who made a lot of promises and wouldn’t follow through. She would tell me we are going to the park on Saturday. Saturday would come and she would be in the bed. Screaming leave her alone as a begged to go the park. I would be looking forward to it from the moment it left her lips. Then when she didn’t follow through I would scream over and over you promised and cry. So from childhood trauma I hate disappointment.

Well Doctor Dude said he will be showing up in Georgia to see me sometime soon. He will let me know in a few weeks. I am excited. I don’t want to be excited. If it falls through my disappointment will be great. I have talked to this man on and off for over three years.

My next issue is will I let him stay with me or not. I haven’t decided. I have let people stay with me I have known a lot less. I do not believe he is a serial killer. I have confirmed all the things he has told me about himself. I will wait until a plan is in place to make a decision.

I asked him when he going to make an honest dog of Mr. Shitty paints. He needs a daddy to call his own. Our little inside joke. He knows I want a baby. He is clear if I had money he would be put on the back burner to my baby dreams.

I met a new guy online yesterday. Met being we talked on the phone for the first time. It was a good convo, we will see what happens. I can’t wait until Friday. I need the weekend tor rest my mind. I am going bowling with the girls on Saturday. Woo hoo a social life!! Just what I needed. Something to make me feel less of a hermit!!

Not Excited

I haven’t been excited about anything in a long time. Even thinking about Doctor Dude doesn’t bring me fake excitement. My life is become so humdrum. I think my dog is even bored with the routine. He tries to get us to walk different ways in the evening. He probably thinks his mommy is so predictable.

My life has become very predictable. It is kind of pathetic. When I first moved here I was a mover and a shaker. I was going out having fun. Those things don’t excite me anymore.

Meeting new men doesn’t excite me anymore. My disappointment meter with men have over flown. It is hard to muster excitement when they are concerned.

My gloomy  gus attitude needs to change. I talk to other people and there lives sound just as boring as mine. Is that what happens later in life. Is that why people have mid-life crisis, to muster some excitement. Prayer works, I am going to pray for excitement and happiness. Not drama, excitement just to be clear.

On another note Doctor Dude received his present. He asked me how I knew he like dark chocolate. How about I had no idea it just looked pretty in the picture. Also it was inexpensive that sold me. I told him it was a lucky guess. Hey I will take my brownie points. I didn’t want to say I didn’t really think about it. Which I didn’t

I made someone happy. That is cool. Now I need to work on myself!! Which has always been extreme hard for me!!

Not so High and Mighty

The Cleveland–Loretta Quagmire

I know the past few post makes me seem like the strong independent woman. It took a long time to get to this point. I didn’t go through my dating years with these philosophy. I like most women had self esteem issues. I grew up in a plus size body, with inactive parents. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. It took years of being stepped on. Years of tears. Losing over a hundred pounds and loving myself. Even after all that I would slip back into the foolishness of a man.

I am not different from any woman. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I try my best not to be insane when it comes to a man. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I fail.

I was talking to a friend. We were discussing a friend of hers who has a cheating husband. I came off like I never been the other woman. I had to think about this and correct myself. There have been times I didn’t know I was the other woman. Those were not my fault. I blame that totally on the lying asshole.

There was one time I knew he was seeing other people. He treated me so well I accepted the arrangement. I was not his girlfriend. We didn’t put labels on it. I also knew the label would have been rejected. He treated me like a princess. We went out all the time. He brought me gifts that made me feel special. I was 23 he was 36.

We were out one night at a party. One of the women in his life was there also. It was not a great scene. The drama began and she was not about to let it go. She asked me how I knew him. At first I had no idea who she was and I answered the questions. Than I thought who the hell is this woman? He walked up and avoided her who was standing in front of me. He asked me what did she say to me. Well that set her off. She started screaming. I was embarrassed we were in the Marriott lounge about to go into the party. I told him to handle his business and I walked away.

Did I mention this woman was 45. He found me about ten minutes later. I said who was that. He said an ex acting crazy. I knew that was a half truth and requested him to buy my drink at the bar.  I didn’t believe his explanation but I was not trying to get into it that night. While standing at the bar this woman comes up to me again.

She starts talking to me. He was with me last week, driving my car paying my bills blah, blah. I turned to her. I am young enough to be her daughter. I said he lied to you. He didn’t lie to me. I think you need to take all this up with him. Well this set her off.

She tried to throw the drink he bought me in his face. I wasn’t going to let that happen. Not that I cared if he got wet. It was my damn drink.

She started screaming at him again. They were both escorted out by security. I never got a real explanation for this woman actions. I continued the relationship with him for another year. Not my finest moments. You live you learn and try not to repeat your mistakes!!!

Fears and more Fears!!

My doctor friend is trying to convince me to visit him in PA. I am not a risk taker. He is a stranger. I don’t feel he is serial killer, but who knows. We have talked on and off for three years. I am sticking to my guns he needs to come see me. I watch too much T.V. with all these random missing women. I refuse to be on unsolved mysteries. When I go on dates now I make sure and give someone the guys information. He has me in fantasy mode again. Why is it so hard for me to stay out of that place. He makes a lot of money as a surgeon. I started talking to him when he was a broke resident. Money doesn’t sway me. I am not materialistic at all. Even if I had money I wouldn’t spend it willy nilly and on unneccessary things. He has a very expensive truck. I told him I would want a Honda regardless of how much money I have. They are good Cars/Trucks and last.

I am like my grandmother in that area. My grandmother was not poor at all. She owned several properties and a summer home. She could also be seen in the goodwill looking for a good deal. That was Nana, and I am just like her. I don’t own one designer thing. With being six feet tall I buy what fits and looks good. I could careless whose name is on it. Also I refuse to spend a lot of money on anything.

I know a few people who brand drop. Meaning I have Coach bag. Or this Donna Karen. Well yah for them it doesn’t impress or move me at all. My pocketbook could be worth ten bucks and I am just as happy with it. That is me and I don’t fault people for who they are.

Back to the fantasy Doctor dude is throwing out the if we get married situation. I might have started it but he put his two cents in. He said I wouldn’t have to work!! You know that is music to my ears. I would do something. I am not the sit at home type of chick. Not having to report to a job would be winning the lottery ten times over. That is the fantasy in my mind. I have to meet this man in person and see if we vibe. There are several steps that need to happen before marriage. Granted I have heard the story of they met and three days later are married. I sincerely doubt that will ever be my story. I can’t predict the future but I don’t see it.

On a lighter note I had a presentation today. I nailed it. I was so nervous my hand was shaking but they couldn’t see it. I got claps and someone mentioned how I do a great job. It was really nice and uplifting. I haven’t done a presentation since 1995 in college. I did well even with the fears. I have to say I am really glad it is over and done with. It has been on my mind for three weeks. Now I can free up those brain waves for something else. Something non stressful would be great!!

Interesting turn of events!

Philly

Image by courosa via Flickr

Well it doesn’t look like I am going to the Fernbank. I haven’t heard from the guy other than a text on Monday. I know I had to strike while the iron was hot.

A guy I met years ago has contacted me. He seems to want to rekindle something. I just have no idea what because all I remember is one date a long time ago. I am getting voice mails and text messages saying have a good day. It is kind of shocking. This person and I never had a great vibe. I think that is why it never went beyond one date. It sounds like he has some sort of epiphany. I wish he would let me in on it. I haven’t talked to him in years. He is talking to me in a manner that we never stopped communicating.

On another internet event. A guy I really liked I have reconnected with. I say I really liked him loosely. We have never met. We flirted and talked on the phone on and off for a few years. I think we fell off when ever we were dating someone. I emailed him a month ago just to say hello. Then he called and bang we are back shooting the shit on the phone.

Why we never met you ask? Well he lives in Philly. I live in Atlanta. I refuse to travel to  a strange city to meet a stranger. I know you might think I could be missing an opportunity. Take a risk. My answer to that is hell no. I have been on countless internet dates. More than the average person. There is nothing worse than being in a  situation and stuck. Yes I drove two hours to Columbus GA to meet this guy. He was at a military base. When I got there he would not stop talking about his ex girlfriend. I ended up yelling at this guy “will you stop saying her name”. I was stuck for the evening. I was ready to run home the next day.

I have also had many bad dates that I couldn’t wait for him to finish eating so I could head home. It is real bad when I offer to pay for my meal just so he doesn’t have the illusion to call me again. I can’t imagine being in a strange city going through that crap. So I put it on the man. If he is that interested he will make the effort.

Over the years I have had men visit from South Carolina, Florida, New York. They stayed in hotels and I met them.

I didn’t meet this guy because he was a broke med student/resident when we started talking. He didn’t have the time or money to come see me. Now that has changed. He is working and from what I can see successful in what he is doing. He is still beyond busy.

He actually offered to come see me. I was shocked. First he offered me a plane ticket to Philly which I refused. He needs to come here first so I can access the body language on my turf.

Actions speak louder than words. Me being the pessimist I know. I will believe it when he gets off the plane. I need to work on being optimistic. I hate being let down so pessimism is my safety net to disappointment.

Trying not to be bitter!!

I was talking to a single mom by choice wannabe friend. I call us wannabe ‘s because there is no baby so we are not there yet. We were stating how bitter we were.

I am trying not to be. It isn’t working. It seems like everyone is pregnant and I am not in the exclusive club. I love my friends children. I love when they talk about them and I see there pictures on cards and Facebook.

It is also a reminder of what I do not have and want so badly. How did I end up being the jilted one. I would have never predicted this ever being my circumstances. I had such a bright future with so many possibilities.

I never thought of a time clock being attached to my eggs.  Who the hell thinks about that. Someone should have warned me. I might not have listened. I feel so blind sided by time. By lack of a man and babies.

To make is worse it isn’t like I haven’t been trying. If I meet another man who states I can’t believe you are single I am going to slap him upside the head. Or what is wrong with you. You never been married and have no kids. What is being divorced and paying or getting child support a mark of something right!! Is using a condom so I didn’t get a disease or have children un planned is wrong all of a sudden. Is it my fault the men of my life never really wanted to commit. Or I didn’t want someone’s last name just because they asked knowing we were not compatible and would have ended up in divorce.

What did I do wrong. I have a lot of friends in jacked up marriages. Why do I find myself jealous of bad relationships. I know it is crazy. It makes me think what did I do wrong!!

I am tired of being baby less and man less. I am straight tired of dating and all the bullshit that comes with it. What does that leave me. In a rock in a hard damn place. I am going to start praying my ass off for some answer. I guess all I have left is god!!!

My weekend was so bad!!!

I guess it wasn’t that bad. I am still alive and nothing drastic happened. I didn’t get to go to the Fernbank!! I had to work late and asked for a rain check. He was nice about it. We rescheduled for next Friday. I hope it works out. He hasn’t called since which is not a good sign. We will see if it is meant to be.  Then I had another date with a new prospect for Sunday which got cancelled.  How I would love to find one man and stop all this damn dating.

Also my evening at the Cowboy bar was a pure waste of time. The last time I went must have been a random fluke that we all had fun. Most of my group was ready to leave after a while. One friend and I tried to make the best of it and mingle. It didn’t work well at all.  The people didn’t seem as friendly as the last time. We even went to a bar close by. When we were walking out a guy suggested a bar. We were willing to try anything. To take advice from a young guy who was clearly drunk and told us he smoked weed. Now thinking about it we were desperate for some fun. We thought why not we are so far away from home as it is. The bar was dead by the time we got there.

The long drive home just made me wish I stayed in watching movies. Now it is Sunday night and I have work coming up quick. I had such high hopes for the weekend. It really sucks when there is a let down. I did buy a scratch ticket out there. My co-worker claims when you are in a random part of the state to buy a scratch ticket. I thought why not. I really have no interest to drive out that way again. When I scratch it maybe it will all have been worth it. I guess I will find out eventually, sense as you know I am not scratching it now.

I talked a to a friend also a possible single mother by choice. She stated she could be in a relationship forever and never live with the guy. That she has lived alone so long, she doesn’t see another person in her space. I have been living alone a long time also. I have to say most of the time I do like it. I don’t know if it is the only child in me. That I feel no obligation to clean when I don’t want to. I can watch what I want on T.V. When I don’t feel like talking or dealing with people I just don’t answer the phone. If I left something in the laundry I can run down half-naked to pick it up.

Would I like a man in my life yes. I say yes with such ease. I haven’t had a consistent man in my life in years. Even my last relationship was more like a long distance relationship. How would I feel about someone in my personal space on a regular space all the time. It would be a big adjustment.

No news is good news

''Fish Karma logo

Image via Wikipedia

I have nothing to report. Things have happened. I was insulted and unfriended on Facebook. The internet is full of perverts. All these things are true but I didn’t let it control my day.

I had a pretty decent day. I haven’t focussed on anything bad today. A friend of mine at work is graduating with her BA. Her hard work is a testimony that working hard and determination you can achieve a goal. I went to college straight from high school. I did have many part-time jobs. I lived in the dorms for four years. I didn’t want to pay utilities. I felt dorm living was cheaper. I also had a single room so I felt it was perfect.

She had it so much harder than I. Working full-time and taking care of a house and relationship while going to school. She had some great time management.

Today I have accepted there are a lot of assholes in the world. I need not get myself upset by others actions. The only one I can control and change is myself.

I have finally stopped hating my ex. I don’t need that resentment and hate in my heart. It will only eat me alive. I am still mad but I don’t hate the man. He is one of those assholes I was referring to.  I need to let Karma work in their lives.

I really feel when you are meant to people on purpose it comes back to you ten fold. I will let Karma take care of these people and just focus on myself.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can only change me and that is all I am going to worry about today.

Interesting Days off!

These four days off were very interesting. My neighbor townhouse was broken into. They kicked in the front door which scared the shit out of me. They also were so bold to do it at 6:30pm. It happened earlier in the week. Then I got a call on Friday night about a friend’s house being broken into. The alarm company called her and she called me. I have her key and alarm code. I waited a few minutes and went over there. The cop was actually driving away from her house. I stopped him and waited outside while he went through her house to make sure it was safe. She was out-of-town visiting her grandmother. She lives five minutes from my house. With the economy and Atlanta screwing us over our neighborhood has just gone to shit.

I live in a suburb of Atlanta Georgia. Atlanta decided to tear down all their low income housing and give the people they were displacing housing vouchers. Our county was one of the victims of these people. Also the county near the airport. So they just put the crap on us and we have to deal with these displaced people moving next door. Also the economy doesn’t help the situation. No jobs, no money, more crime.

The cop agreed with me about Atlanta (Futon County) screwing us over. Then he proceeded to tell me there is a rapist on the loose. Following women home from the grocery store. That really put fear in me. The cop left and I waited for my friend’s cousin to secure her back door that was kicked in. I started to think I have no one to help me in the middle of the night in a crisis.

The whole experience has just made me afraid. I didn’t sleep well that night at all. I went to Home Depot and order a security door for the front of my house. It should be here in ten days. I also decided I am getting a gun. I am going to find a gun safety class. I told a few people and they all want to join  me in this class. In the U.S. we have the right to bear arms. If someone comes through my door they are going to have something waiting for them. I don’t have children so I don’t feel that bad about having a gun in the house. I was talking to my friend who lives in my subdivision about our crappy neighborhood. The truth of the matter is break ins are happening all over the place. There is really no place to go to avoid the possibility.

On a brighter note, I went out this weekend. I enjoyed sometime with my meetup group at a bar. I met this guy who I thought was really cute. He had two kids and is a single father. All of that made him more attractive. I pushed the issue to exchange numbers. We did talk that same night. I not getting the vibe he is into me other than friends, which is fine. I am not going to force it. He seems really into his children and not pressed for a relationship. Or he is not pressed to get to know me. One or the other which I am cool with either way. I desire a man who is into me. I am not going to beg for attention. At this point I am going to go with he isn’t interested. If I happen to get invited on a date I will be pleasantly surprised.

I did meet a new guy at a bar. He was working as a bartender that night. He invited me to hang out at his job. So I met him at work and we talked while it was slow. I stayed a few hours and went home. He is just looking for sex. Which was obvious with all the sexual questions. He had no questions concerning me or my character. I had no intention of talking to this man again. He did call later that night asking to come over. I told him no thanks. He then said he is pursuing me and the ball is in my court. I wanted to say you are pursuing what is in between my legs not me. I have no time for men that have that as there only focus.

My weekend has been interesting to say the least. I guess I don’t mind when my weekend is dull. Some of these things I would have been alright to not have experienced.