My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible. I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.
I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!
It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.
I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.
Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal. Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.
Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.
My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.
I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.
I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed. I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.
He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.
So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.
So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work. They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.
I couldn’t wait until five pm today. I was so mentally done with work. I have been eating again. I swear I need to stop. I been feeling twinges and my nipples have been hard. I don’t want to get to excited.
I do have a date with someone I met online. Something doesn’t feel right about this guy. We will see how it goes. I am not optimistic. I have been looking online for a sensitive pregnancy test. I know I should wait but patience is not my biggest strong suit. The work week has been stressful because I been disinterested in work.
I cried to a friend about my desire for babies. I feel so cursed sometimes. I know it irrational and I am very blessed. I want this more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I took a deep tour through my life. I haven’t had a desire and want so deep. It is hard to explain the need for motherhood. The switched was flipped and I am ready to open that door.
I am going to work on being positive and stop all my negative behaviors.
The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.
I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.
He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.
I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.
To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.
I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.
I have issues. I know I was not supposed to pee on a stick. I heard when the doctor told me not to. Did I listen. Of course not. I have taken three home pregnancy test. I have gotten a negative each time. The last being this morning. My sad face went to work. My blood test is tomorrow. I know that will tell me the real deal. She also said the trigger shot would give me a false positive. It did not I got a negative.
I don’t want to spend anymore money. I have everyone I can think of praying for me. I want it to happen so bad. I know I been having symptoms. If I am not pregnant I have no idea why my body is acting in such a way. I have been having these little pains in my belly area. My nipples have been so hard at times they can cut glass. My boobs have been very sensitive. I finally get to the two-week wait, and I am not doing well. I want to know the answer on Friday. Then I don’t want to know if it is a negative.
Here is where I have to be a big girl again. Being a grown up sucks!!!
I did it. I had my frozen sperm placed in my uterus Now I have six mature eggs. I was blown away when she said six. She still gives me a 10% chance. Which I thought was funny when she said the medicine did great. She even used the words this increases your chances for success Then to still come up with the number of 10% chance.
She did say that I reacted great to the medication. She didn’t expect me to react that well due to my test. Then I got the multiple talk again. Because there are so many eggs. She said people concerned about multiplies she would tell them not to do the second insemination. I said in a very serious tone. “I will be here tomorrow. She said do you have any questions. I said “no”.
What you, no questions. You are the queen of questions. I said I am working on not worry about it. She said , good job!!! She also hit on a good point. She said I am sure you have done a ton of research. I told her to the point of obsession Now is the time to lay back and let it happen. I am still looking online. It is hard not to look online and see what happened to other people. I am in original so I can’t mirror their experience after mine.
She put on a cervical cap. I hope I can get that thing out. Never used any device like that before. I am officially on my way. I still have the WTF did I just do in my head!!!
I am so happy it is Friday. I been feeling like I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I am sleeping in tomorrow. My cousin is in town for the weekend. He stayed with me last night. He put together my desktop today. Not it isn’t hard but my lazy ass haven’t done it. I am going to acupuncture Hopefully will attempt my taxes. Get some rest and enjoy life.
You will not believe I won another 60 bucks on my scratch tickets. I didn’t scratch all the ones I bought. You know my gambling self reinvested. This is fun and risky and stupid at the same time I was in the store and a woman told me she won 10k not to long ago.
The one thing I can say about scratch off. You have just as much chance as anyone else. So Yes I have reinvested the money I have won. I am up to 460 bucks. But each time I have bought myself lunch. Kept 20 bucks out the deal. I haven’t contributed any additional money then what I won. Now I can’t say that when I usually purchase these things.
My co-worker told me I am on a winning streak and need to keep playing. I know he said that because he is just as addicted as I am. Granted I am not using bill money or savings to play. That is where I draw the line.
I met a new guy online. He seems interesting. Since I been online so long I don’t get caught up in it. I always keep hope alive. You truly never know. I am debating about taking soy is0flavones with my femara when I TTC. I haven’t decided yet. I am so trying to stack the deck. Acupuncture DHEA, COQ10, Dirt Tea, Soy Is0flavones. I am doing everything I can!!!
I thought it was so funny when Charlie Sheen was going downhill he kept saying he was winning. Not funny he was going downhill. The delusion that things were great. In this since I am winning. I won another 115 bucks on my scratch tickets. So we are close to 400 bucks in a week and a half. Granted I have reinvested most of it each time I win. It does put a smile on my face when I win.
Now mama wants to win the big money. 🙂
I am waiting for the social worker to contact me with my instruction for this first IUI. I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. I don’t take disappointment well. I guess I need to work on that. My optimism needs to not go down that road. I haven’t tried yet to get pregnant yet.
I was supposed to stop reading about IUI on the internet. It keeps making me depressed. So many stories of no success. I will have success!!! That what I need to keep telling myself.
In a way I wish I started with home insemination. Even thought I am not the do it yourself type. I am spending all this money in Georgia. When I found a place in Boston to do it a lot cheaper. To bad I am not in Boston. I sometimes regret not moving. It is cold there and I hate the cold. The job was too good to pass up.
Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I am still in this state. I need to stay focussed on my goals.
I got a double line on the Wondfo ovulation kit. The clear blue easy no happy face. I think the Wondfo is more sensitive.
Mr. Man is out-of-town until tomorrow. We will see if another attempt gets underway. I am not banking on it. On a brighter note I am going dancing with the girls tomorrow night. I feel fat and don’t really feel like it.
I do need to get out of the house. I want to go and dance and have fun. I been spending to many weekends running errands and not trying to have fun.
I had to pick another damn sperm donor. This is getting ridiculousness My third choice that is CMV – is not out of quarantine.
The bank I am using is small and less expensive as the rest. So I am calling to get the updates of inventory. There website clearly is not updated on a regular basis.
My right side has been spasming for about an hour. It is tingle more than a pain. It kind of feel electric. I am not sure if this my ovaries telling me it is working. Or some blow back from the HSG test. It isn’t painful as much as annoying.
It is Friday and I am happy. I am going to try to make it to acupuncture, try to do the baby dance,pay some bills aggressively, go dancing and do my taxes.
I am trying to accomplish a lot this weekend. Hopefully I am successful. I did scratch several of my lottery tickets. I won 30 bucks. Of course I reinvested Got to play to win.