Counterfit Ink!!

I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.

Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal.  Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.

Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.

My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.

I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.

Baby Project #12

My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.

The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.

Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.

I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good.  I feel so helpless.

On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.

I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.

That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

Doctor Dude is Back!

I was reading something about being Catfished. I guess that is MTV term for someone playing online like they are someone else. Even thought I didn’t come up with the phrase. I surely been figuring out who was full of shit for a long time.

Some of the ways to figure out if someone is real I been using for years. If the pictures look like they stepped out of GQ magazine. I am suspicious why you are online looking at me. If they don’t want to talk on the phone. This guy told me he wanted to meet before he gave me his phone number. He got the big delete. Do I look that crazy to meet you and never have ever talked to you. I am under no illusion it is dangerous to meet people you don’t know.

Which is a great intro to doctor dude. He started calling again last week. He knows my plans to inseminate. They were more plans than reality when I talked to him last. Now they are becoming more real. Doctor dude is okay looking. I am attracted to him, but he did not step out of a magazine  We have been talking on the phone on and off for about five years. Yes I was chit chatting with him when he was a resident. Now he is in a practice.

He always stated he would buy me a ticket to PA to see him. I always declined because I am not going to a strange city to meet a man I have never met before. I feel he should come see me on my terms. Well he has claimed busy for years. Which is fine. I would love to meet him. If we never meet I will not cry about it. I think I am very cautious to the online dating.

I met a guy online years ago. He lived in SC. Well he had me convinced of so many thing. The biggest is that he like me so much. His biggest concern was I was not going to like him. Well he came to GA and we met. I liked him he didn’t like me. Which he proceeded to tell me the next day. It was the biggest blow after months and months of him saying how great I was. So with that experience under my belt. I am not going to some strange city to possibly get rejected. I can get rejected in my own city.

Where I can drive to a friends and cry my eyes out if I need to. I like Doctor dude when we are consistently talking. He is a cool friend. He could be more that is totally on him. He claims he will be visiting soon. I am not holding my breath at all.

Doing better!!

I am going to work on more regular entries into my blog. Work has been hectic with my new position. Hell with my old position which was filling in for the lack of head count is now my new position. Pretty much I been stressed for a while.

I am going to either post during my lunch break. Or when I get home. First it is therapeutic   I also love having a log  of my life.

I did start vloging my SMC journey on my YouTube channel.  I have to say I was unsure about doing that. I still am but I want to share my experience. I guess I am going to go with it until it presents a problem.

I picked up Caffeine again. I know it hinders pregnancy and I need to put it down again. It sucks because I love Caffeine.

Yesterday I sent in a lot of paper work to the women’s center I will be going to for my insemination  This is becoming more and more real. I am excited and totally scared out of my mind in the same breath.

I haven’t closed down my personal ads online yet. I have such a love hate relationship with online dating. I hate that it has not yielded me the man of my dreams. I do love the attention that I do not have in any other aspect of my life. I hate to talk to the idiots that tend to like me online. I do get a little excited when I get an new email expressing interest in me.

Yeah after writing that I realize I am a special case of crazy with online dating.

My roommate situation is lovely and hard at the same time  I think the people I live with are great. They have been nothing but gracious to me. Sometimes I miss living alone and being by myself. I really need to get over this. I don’t think I will be living alone for a very long time to come.

I did meet a new guy online last night. People think I am crazy for being totally honest. I let them know I am looking for an activity partner. I would love a relationship but I have plans to inseminate and if that bothers you let me know now. Shit dating hasn’t gotten me any closer to marriage in all these years. Why lie now??

Well this guy thought it was great and had no problem with it. We will see how long this last. He also asked me a sexual question. Such a red flag to me. I told him I am not answering any sexual question until after we meet. I swear why do so many men lead with what is between their legs.  He could be the greatest guy in the world. The computer meeting gives him the security to ask all kinds of perv questions he probably would never ask in person. I swear I am back to love and hate the net.

 

I am ready to go!!

User:Grunt's insane stamp.

 

My direct boss went to work for our sister company. My boss, boss gave her notice. I think the writing is on the wall. I am ready to give my notice also. Well give my notice in my head. My date to give my notice in reality is the second week of January to move in February. I wish it could be tomorrow.

 

I told my boss, boss that I am not taking on crazy responsibility and I am not sleeping at this job. If they let me go they do. I will go to Boston with an unemployment check. Which would actually be great for me. I severely doubt that is going to happen. They actually value me here. At-least they have in the past. With new management coming in it is anyone guess how things are going to go. I just want everything to go in my favor. Wouldn’t that be nice!!!

 

I did win on a scratch ticket. I haven’t found out how much. So I can fantasy all day about my next step if I have won. As I stated many times before my fantasy life is so much better than my reality. I want it to be the reverse. Then life would get very interesting.

 

Now for the real news. X boyfriend that I wished dead contacted me. Yes I talked to him. It was a decent conversation. First text then ended in verbal. How about he started talking about marriage. Yes, can you believe that. Okay let me clear this up. I made a joke about marriage and he alluded to us talking about getting married. Shocked is what I was. You know I love this man. I have to, to put up with all his shit all these years. Should we get married. When I think of all the shit I put up with I would say hell no. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is something totally different. Am I ready to say yes to this. absolutely not!! It might be his last-ditch attempt to keep me. He knows I am out of the state in four months. He knows I am going home to get pregnant. Which was actually his job not to long ago.

 

I have no idea what to do. I did tell him, I would have to hear something really extra special for me to change my plans. Shit that still might not be enough. I am sick of being disappointed by this man. Can I say what well happen at this point. NO!!! Life is stranger than fiction. My life is not different.

 

You couldn’t have convince me five years ago, I would be buying sperm online and living with my mother again.  We will see!! Presently nothing has changed but the man I have had known for 12 years creating controversy. God HELP ME!!

 

Not to mention every time I see another wedding or baby on Facebook I want to delete my profile. I guess I also have issues. But what else is NEW!!!

 

Not feeling great!!

 

positive pregnancy test

positive pregnancy test (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A SMC  friend got a positive pregnancy test. I am so happy for her. She has had such a difficult time. She needed some good news. It will be confirmed next week.

 

I feel fat, alone and pitiful  My mom is always screaming you are blessed. Yes I am. I know I am. But my constant answer is I am human. I have not been the most positive person. If anything most of my life I have been a very negative person.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard. Things are going my way in a big way. No more house to deal with. Do I miss it. HELL NO!!! I am glad to be out of it. A friend of a friend asked for my Realtor information. She wants to do the same thing. I feel the biggest monkey has been lifted from my back.

 

The guy I didn’t sleep with. That was the best decision I made in a long time. I have called him we have chatted but that was about it. The interest was clearly lost on his side. Not unusually for me to meet another loser. No biggie!! I am so no phased by men who are jerks. I think I will be knocked off my chair to find someone caring, generous and the big one honest!!!

 

I am ready to move. I mentally ready to take Boston by storm. I am not financially ready. A recruiter called me for a job yesterday. I had to let him know I wasn’t interested. I am out of this state shortly.

 

My roommate said she is going to save a room for me if it doesn’t work out in Boston. That is one of my biggest fears. The aspect of it not working out. But I am an adult. I can find an apartment and live on my own again. I have options. They would be expensive options.

 

Even if I want to leave Boston I doubt I am will be going back to GA. I was thinking the DC area. I have family there. I don’t want to be isolated from family again. I have a cousin that moved back to GA. She lives so damn far away. We have only seen each other a few times in about four months.

 

My mind is all over the place. I want some thing in my life to be easy. I feel like I have always had it the hard way. Can I get a little easy!!!

 

Sex and Power!!

The moment I have sex with someone I give them power. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me. Other times it creates emotional and mental chaos  I had my little escapade in my car. The kissing and touching and heavy petting. Well I had to put the ca bosh on what was clearly going to come next. I took a major rain-check on going to Mr. Man house and watching a movie.

Clearly the gate way to be butt naked doing the dance to give a way my power. This man was honest he has absolutely no time for me. Did he say that no. He said he can make time. Yeah right !!! I heard his schedule and it sounds like there would be no time to make. Plus the moment a man get some sex then the tables turn. You see what they are really about. At your expense. I have no intention of giving this man this power. I have no time in my life to figure out if he is an asshole. Do I want him physically?  Oh yes I do!!

I also am not the best judge in this area. My body tells me something totally different from my mind. So I took my damn self to see the Avengers at the two dollar theater  Now that he knows he is not getting the goods we will see if he keeps in touch. Since I didn’t give him my power and he doesn’t keep in touch. I can let that go a whole lot quicker. It would be clear that his interest was a sexual one and not friends. Yes the man did use the word friends.

We will see if he stands by that  since I have no interest in going to his house. I also am sick of this house dating crap. Take me out. It can be a walk , it can be for coffee. It doesn’t have to always have to be at someones house.

Since I now live with roommates my house is off-limits anyways. I am changing my whole approach and perspective. Is sex worth the danger it can bring to me. I would say no. Women know the deal. You sleep with the ones you don’t want and don’t sleep with the ones you do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

After being put through the ringer by many males I finally learned a few lessons. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Now I am changing lanes and doing a double take before I take any leap.

I was at lunch and my girl said do you want to F^@&@ him. I said no. Then don’t go to his house. That is pretty much cut and dry. My mind would tell me it is the total wrong thing to do. Where as my body would totally win over. So I am planning not to fail!!!

Finally a good Date!

I went on a date yesterday. It wasn’t planned. We were talking I reminded him that we live close together. A plan came together to meet at Starbucks. I had to use my GPS of course. I had no idea where I was going. The Starbucks was closed. So technology being what it is. He got on his phone and found another Starbucks. Then we were off. Well we ended up at Applebees. He got some food, I a decaf coffee. I am working on losing this weight. A lot of conversation we are in the parking lot making out. OMG how old am I. Can I say I had fun. The making out moved to the car. Followed with more making out and more conversation.

We met around 8 pm. I didn’t get home until 12:45. I had a great time. I didn’t realize how bad I needed some male attention.

Now the bad news. All we can be, is friends. This man has a lot on his plate. I also have plans of my own. I have no intention with getting involved with a man who has no time for me. Been there got the tee-shirt. It was nice thought. I also don’t know how to back track from making out to friends. I am going to have to work that out some kind of way.

I told him we need to just be friends. He agreed but I am not sure he really agreed. The man can say yes then push the envelope when ever possible. I am not falling for that crap. Okay I am going to try not to fall for that crap. I am not emotionally there to be played with. So life goes on. We do have a date on Sunday. I got to get it together before then.

I am back!!

I have been MIA for a little while. I have been busy with a few things. My aunt and I had a great time. How can you love someone who drives you completely crazy. I love my aunt but she can drive anyone to drink. It is her way all the time. She doesn’t like to hear the words no. Which as an adult and not a child I can say when I want.

She is the type to sit in a store for hours. I am not. I left her in a store and had to pick her up later. I had other things to do. She also feels that if she buys you things you owe her in a way. I don’t play that game at all. I am me period. No matter what you purchase. I didn’t ask you to buy me anything so it is up to you if you do so. I have to say again I do love this woman. But she is very controlling. After the first day or arguing because she wanted to tell me what to do every few minutes we got into a groove and had a great time. The first night she called her son and said I kept yelling at her.

It took her literally two hours to get ready in the morning. We were late. To something she set up for us to do. I never seen someone take two damn hours to wash your ass and get dressed. I was done and sat there for an hour waiting for her. Did I mention I am not the most patient person. She said I am just like my mother. Which I am, we get up get ready and out the door. This is my mother’s twin sister. Every time my mom goes somewhere with her she says “She better not be late and have me waiting”. I called my mom the first day. She said is she acting up yet. So clearly we all know my aunts antics.

We went to the MLK center, acupuncture, met my roommates, Ate out a lot, went shopping. So we did a lot in four days. Then I took Monday off for myself. She said maybe I can come back for acupuncture again. I said it interesting that you come visit 10 years after your last visit. When I no longer have a home and now you have to stay in a hotel. Yes the last time she was here was ten years ago. I never said my family made any kind of sence.

Other than that I went on a date two days ago. Shocking!!! This guy I met in 2008 sent me an email.

I was at a club for a friend’s birthday in 2008. This handsome guy was infatuated with me.  The problem I had been he was 5’8. I am six-foot in my flat feet. I had heels on that night which made me 6’2. So I thought it was that short man fetish. Yes short men love me for some reason. He was very persistent, but I blew him off and left the club. Fast forward a few years. He ran into me online. The world is so small with the internet involved. I don’t remember what happened but we talked for a little. I guess I lost interest and that just faded.

Now two days ago. I get an email from him. I was thinking about you. I thought damn I was thinking about him to. Due to the fact now I live on his side of town. I been looking for a friend to hang with until I move. It was his birthday and he wanted to go out to dinner. I told him I felt bad. I really didn’t have the money to take him out to dinner. Wasn’t in my budget. I spent a lot of money with my aunts visit. He said no problem he would take me he wanted the company.

Okay so we had dinner. It was nice. I went for broke and told him my baby plans and the whole deal. He said if you would have given me a chance we could have been married and had our kids right now. Yeah, sounds good but we don’t even know each other. He has a tall girl fetish and that is what is fueling this attention towards me. He isn’t that talkative. But a lot of men are not. I invited him to my friend’s birthday party. She said she needed more men. I thought why not. Then yesterday I text him and asked him if he wanted to go the two dollar movie with me on Sunday. He said yes. Well other than a text I haven’t heard from him.

I never said I didn’t want to be married and have my children that way. I am not going to take just anything to do it. I can get over the height thing. But our personalities need to mesh. Also I am sick of lack of attention from men. So we will see if he puts in the effort or what. I have my plan A. If he want to make himself a strong plan B we will see.

I plan to be out of here in five months. We will see what happens. We make plans god laughs. I guess I need to be more optimistic!!!!