Baby Project #12

My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.

The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.

Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.

I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good.  I feel so helpless.

On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.

I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.

Make Plans and god laughs!!!

My plans might be changing with the move to Boston. I  hopefully find out shortly.

I have a new boss. My old boss quit. I really liked my old boss. She was efficient and really helped me elevate my skills. She also was a micro manager, known to yell, scream and swear.

I think I am going to love this Boss. He is so laid back and grateful for all I do. It is nice to be appreciated. Not to say my old boss didn’t appreciate me. The old saying good work gets you more work. She did show her appreciation in that way. She also expressed it to me. New Boss expressed it with gift cards. They are two very different people.

Well new boss asked me why I didn’t take the promotion. Which old boss was begging me to take. The main reason was I was planning to leave and move to Boston to start TTC. The other reason was the lack of compensation. They never settled on an amount or even gave me an offer. I could tell I was not going to be impressed.

I felt I am majorly underpaid and I knew how much the prior person in that position made. Which was a great deal more than I do. So what they did was lower the title and I am sure if they got an internal hire the pay would be nothing to write home about.

They would have to make major leaps for me to jump. When I inquired about the compensation after turning down the job four times, she said I should take it because I want it, not for the money. I think someone had me twisted. She didn’t get far with that at all, as you see I am still not in that position.  Not to mention old Boss was very demanding and I knew her requirements would be great. So I was not taking that job for less than I expected. They kept trying to convince me by the title. The title would help my career in the future. Clearly they don’t know me to well. I could careless about the title. PAY ME!!! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Well new Boss asked my I didn’t take the position. He feels we work well together and I would be great in the position. At this point I have nothing to lose and I told him exactly why I didn’t take the position. I feel I am underpaid and they were not going to offer me what I wanted to take the job. He was the first one not to ask then why are you still here?

When I had complaints I got that answer. One lady was shocked when I  said maybe I should take that under advisement and find a new job. Her face was mortified like she just convinced one of the companies good employees to quit. She back tracked when I gave her that smart ass answer. Only a few know of my plans to move home. One of my co-workers figured it out. (Long Story). I have recruiters calling all the time. I am sick of my profession and also had plans to leave the state so that is why I am still here. Not the answer I give when asked!!

So my new plan is. If they give me what I want salary wise. I am staying in Georgia for a while longer. I discussed it with my roommates and they are fine with me staying. I will begin TTC in the state of Georgia. Have the baby here and move to Boston when I am on maternity leave. If the pay is not what I want I am out the door to Boston in February hopefully.

It is nice to be appreciated. I actually love that I am respected in this company. Even thought I am not paid. It is probably why I been here almost five years.  Five years might not seem like much, but my usually length at any company is two years. Either being let go or moving on myself.

So will I be TTC in GEORGIA or MASSACHUSETTS. My family is cool with the delay and wanted me to take the job without the major salary increase. Accept my aunt she told me don’t accept less.

Another monkey wrench in the situation. I won on my scratch ticket. It is a major ticket. I haven’t scratched the amount. I am going to wait until Christmas. My present to myself. If it is a big number I am on my way to Massachusetts working on TTC and my new career. Even with the job offer. I am out of here!!!

On a brighter note I got my mother a new refrigerator and dryer from Home Depot. My aunt (mom twin sister) went and looked at the choices I selected online in the store. I know I partially did it because I will be moving in and felt they needed to be purchased. I also like hearing my mother happy with her new appliances. She told me she bragged to her friends that I bought them for Christmas. I like knowing that my mom is happy and proud of me!!!  Happy Holidays!!!

Want to be in the game!!

I know I am planning for my future pregnancy. I am ready to be in the game. You know when you make a choice. I know I have more hope than I had six months ago. Going back to Boston will change my life in many ways. I plan to use it as a dream starter. I keep thinking I want a night job. So I can go to school and work on having a baby at the same time.

I have never worked nights in my life. I have no ideal how my body will react to such a game changer. My neighbor got use to it. She sleeps most of the day. A friend of mine worked nights and went to nursing school during the day. She has always has the S on her chest. Super woman and conquer every challenge.

No pain no gain. I want to do the same thing to live my dreams. I know education is the ticket for a career change. I also know I am not eligible for in state tuition until I am in MA a year. So I was thinking to take a few classes at a time until I get past that year.

My mortgage company called me looking for their payment. I never been put in that position before. It is so humbling. I had to get over it. I told her I was working on doing a short sale. She sounded like she understood and didn’t need to much more information. She asked me if I already had a buyer and I told her yes. Then she dropped the subject. I guess with so much of the country going through the same thing, she didn’t find my case any different.

I hope it all goes smoothly. I will be passing in all my paper work soon. I know I am going to dread packing. I hate moving. Being in my house nine years I have a lot of crap to go through. I could do it now but I have no motivation. I also have this crazy back pain that is coming and going.

I am ready mentally to TTC. All my ducks are not in a row to get started. Me being ready doesn’t make anything move faster.

Life is moving!

Another uneventful Saturday. I am going to make myself busy when I get to Boston.

I had an email battle with a kind of family member. I known her since birth. Our mothers were friends. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me. We are talking no contact for about 3-5 years.  Once I realized I was doing all the calling I stopped. With me moving back home I called her to extend the olive branch. I called twice and a month passed and no return call. I would have let it go if she didn’t answer the phone for my mother.

I know the relationship is over but my feelings were hurt. I sent her an email expressing how I felt. I got a reply of a laundry list of all the bad things that are going on in her life. Like I was this insensitive asshole. How the hell would I know what was going on. I guess I am physic. Plus there are so many ways to get in touch with people these days. I thought her lack of response was B.S. She could have sent a text, I got your message I am going through a lot and will get back to you or something.

I am done with it. I am trying not to let it bother me to much. I am letting go of all relationships that are not reciprocal. I tend to hang on to people. I will no longer let them fill up space in my head. Any relationship is a two-way street. I am not going to be the only participant.

Other than that I have been having back pain on and off. The acupunturist had me feeling no pain on Friday. Now it is back a little. I am going to make an appt with the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I guess that is what I pay this high price insurance for.

I think I am in love with a sperm donor. I know it sounds crazy. I was reading what he wrote and I loved it so much. He is artsy like me and has a passion for writing. I guess my thoughts was if I met this man would I date him because we have things in common. The answer would be yes from how he expressed himself. Hopefully he is still available when I am ready.

WTF!!

I don’t know what I expected. I am so excited with my dream of motherhood coming to be. Why I am not getting a parade of excitement is kind of pissing me off. My mother of course can’t wait. It is others ruining my buzz to actually have a plan.

A few other people are worried about the ramifications from my credit with this manner of dumping my property. Do they know I was willing to walk away from this property. I still would. Do they realize I have no partner and I accepted that crap. I cannot and will not accept not having children. My prior plan was waiting on lottery winnings. I saw no way out!!

They don’t understand my desperation. How I want to scream from the dam roof tops it is un fair. Granted no one told me life was fair. Also with my past I should already know that ten times over.

Can a girl get some moral support from her village. NO that seems like to much for people. It is funny I have this aunt who is so sensitive about her feelings. God forbid I hurt her feelings. Which I have hurt her feelings and sometimes I don’t feel bad. Not that I do it on purpose. The reason for not feelings bad is she will stomp all over others feelings all the time. What about do un to others as you want done to yourself.

I have only been talking about a baby for a year. Do they really think I give a shit about real estate. Home ownership is very much overrated. I was worried about my credit. Now I could careless about that either. I do want some buying power don’t get me wrong. I will need another car eventually. I might need to use a credit card. That is just not my main concern right now.

I need to get them out of my head and not give a crap. It is a let down when you think people will be happy for you and they are not. Well I will be happy for myself. God is good. I am not standing still in my baby making dreams. I have a possible plan to make it happen. I am beyond excited and everyone else can kiss my ass!!!

My life has some direction. I can’t wait to meet this guy this weekend to talk about the short sale. I am so ready to get this party started. I hope it all works out!!!

I do have a funny. I told Doctor Dude. Well he was half sleep when I told him my plan. Even half sleep he seemed disappointed. I am not really a Beyoncé fan, but I told him he didn’t put a ring on it I have to do what I have to do! LMAO!! Get on a plane dude then we can talk. Other than that I don’t have time for B.S.

A Master Plan Finally!!!

Through my sickness and possible layoff a master plan emerged. For all of you who have been following my blog I have felt hopeless in my TTC journey. Finally a blink of light has opened up.

My upside down house I have always felt has been my biggest issue to my having a baby. Well I might have found a way to unload it. I should have listen when my cousin did this two years ago. I swear I have a hard head. She told me I should and if I had paid attention I would have been ahead of the game. I am going to start off with sorry cuz I will listen from now on.

A short sale might be my saving grace. I don’t know all the ends and outs. My neighbor and I will be meeting with another cousins friend who deals with real estate this weekend. Pray that this is the solution!! So the original plan was to rent my townhouse instead of waiting for a layoff. Then stay with some friends. Pay them rent money. Which they would appreciate being the are also held hostage by the economy.

I called my cousin friend/real estate person. He told me I would get a little over the mortgage to rent the place. I told him hell no it wouldn’t even cover his fee. I would be losing money. Then he mentioned a short sale. I was all ears. I am meeting him this weekend so he can go over any questions I have. He was out-of-town when I called.

I told my neighbor he is ready to jump on the bandwagon also. So we are both meeting him this weekend. The rest of the plan is to move in with a friend and save money. Also to send money home to do the needed work on my mother’s house. Yes at the end of this process I will be moving back to Massachusetts. My friends from home are happy. My friends from Georgia not so happy.

It is a hard choice but it must be made. The best part is my closest friend from home is a nurse. I forgot that because that is not what she does fulltime presently. She is a RN and she mentioned she could do my insemination for free at her house. I thought hot damn I hit pay dirt!!! I need to get of the modesty of her seeing the goods. Which she did see before when I was 13 showing me how to use a tampon. She is a hands on type of friends. 

 I know I need a doctor to sign off on the home deliver of sperm. Hopefully I can take care of that before I leave Georgia. Now this plan is months out but at least I feel like finally I can have what I want. Children!!!

I might do a few insemination before leaving Georgia. Not sure of the logistics. I know a lot is riding on this meeting this weekend. Pray for me!!! I really need it!!! Finally I have some hope!!

My dog is sick!!

I woke up at 4am hearing my dog throwing up in his crate. I know I complain about my dog but I do love him. I felt so bad for the little guy. We rushed outside and he kept throwing up. I feel like the worst dog owner ever. I forgot to leave him water in his crate.

I gave him so extra strength pepto and he seemed fine. He was laying there looking sick but wasn’t throwing up anymore. In the hustle of cleaning up his mess in the crate and on my carpet. Getting ready for work and looking online what to do for him. I forgot to put water out because I was trying to get to work. If it wasn’t my busy time of the year I would have taken the day off to take care of my baby.

I feel so bad!!!! I am going to the store at lunch and pick him up some rice and chicken.  I can cook it for him when I get home. That was one of the online suggestions. He might not eat it. I am going to give it a try to see how he does.

I can’t wait to get home to see how he is doing. Pray for my dog. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. He is my best friend. I know what they mean when they say dogs are man’s best friend.  I hope he is alright!!!

Another Saturday!

I had a meeting to go to this morning. Even thought I was feeling better, I didn’t want to give them my germs. I have to say  all I wanted to do was sleep on the couch. Mr. Shitty paints was let out of jail (his crate) and proceeded to leave me another turd to find. He is back to his incarceration during the evenings. My head still hurts.  I am still coughing and in need of food in the fridge. My resentment begins of not having someone in my life who could take my list and go to the store. Nothing I can do about that at the moment.

Trying to eat healthy can have it’s issues. Everything in my refrigerator is so perishable. After a week all my food fruits and veggies need to be replaced. It makes buying anything in bulk a big waste. I will have to say my clothes are getting bigger. I can’t wait to weight myself tomorrow. Yes I only weight myself once a month. The program I follow advises it so you are not obsessed with the scale.  I know the scale will go down the question is how much.  I am trying not to  be obsesses. Which is hard with my personality.

I have put myself out there to people and I am feeling a way about it. I tend to wonder would these people do the same for me. I know that should not be the reason why I do anything. I don’t expect anything in return. I don’t know why it is bothering me.  God knows my heart. I try to help people when I can. I just have a history of not getting much back for my efforts.

In typing that I am really wrong. I had friends take me and my dog in for a week when my AC was out during the summer. It is usually unexpected who will help you when needed. I still am that person who always had a hard time asking for help.

My family over the years have let me down countless times. I still love them, but it makes me less trusting of others to help. I always felt I was on my own. I know if I had a child my mom and dad would be all over that child. I think they would be great grandparents. Which is funny because I didn’t think they were the greatest parents. Which is a very long story. I know they love me and did the best they could do. It took me a long time to accept that.

When will the resentment of not having my happy family go away. I swear I expected to have a husband and children by now. I know I need to bury those thoughts. Put the finally nail in the coffin of fantasy. It still bothers me and I have to admit it.

Family Drama

What is a holiday without a good dose of family drama. Well I have to say I was not spared this holiday. Even thought I live over an 18 hour drive from my family. I was granted the family drama via the phone. First I got very emotional over some family business that I felt was not being taken seriously. Then I had two family members crying to me over the phone for different reasons. One accusing me of taking the other persons side.

All I could think is why are they calling me with this. I am not the most sensitive person. I know it and it isn’t a family secret. I guess I have a hard shell towards my family because I feel I am never heard and feelings never taken into consideration. So  it is hard for me to listen to the crying with much sympathy. I know that is horrible. I am no therapist, and I don’t want to be in the middle at all.

I love my family but I feel they can be very selfish. There feelings are the most important. Have you ever talked to someone and they seemed to spin it to how it affects them. There is always some come back with their pain and issues when you have something to say.

Then when you dish the same thing out to them all hell breaks loose. I got blasted for doing the exact same thing to a family member she does to me. She told me I was insensitive and mean. I said wow I took that out of your play book. I asked her did she remember doing the exact same thing to me. Why is ok for her to treat me like crap when she feels like it. When I treat her the same way there is an up roar of drama. That is my family what can I do. I can pick my friends I can’t pick the family I was born into.

I try to focus on my behavior and how I treat others. I am moody and I know it. When I don’t feel like being bothered I want to be left alone. I am not always in the mood for family B.S.

I have a right to take myself out of the equation. I have to protect my feelings I can’t worry about everyone else.  If I took all their dramas on to myself I would be on many drugs. God bless them, God change me!!

Depression relief!!

My depression has been lifted. I know it has to do with my eating. It has been two-week of clean eating and I feel a lot better. I still have issues with my life and the things not in it. I don’t feel like I am about to fall of the edge of a cliff. Which is a relief from not to long ago.

I really need to watch for depression because it runs ramped in my family. If I stay on this road I will finally fit back into my clothes. Every time I look in my closet and see all those clothes that are two small I tear up.

I also need to incorporate exercise. I swear I can be the laziest person on the earth. I need to get my body moving.

Mr. Short guy hasn’t contacted me since I sent that you could have call me email. Oh well, not a big deal. I am in the mode if it is meant to be it will be.

 The lottery is up high this week. The mega millions and powerball are over 100 million. I know it is a shot in hell to win. I have to give a shot like everyone else. I did the office pool as usual and my own personal numbers I choose. Picking my own numbers can’t be any different from a quick pick in my book.

I remember years ago a 19-year-old won the pot using his siblings birthdays. It is nice to dream. I have no idea what I would do with that kind of money. I guess the answer is what ever the hell I want to do. LOL!!! Today is a good day and I feel good. When I see the glass half full things always seem better.