I know my blood test is today. I still have the band-aid on. Last night I went crazy. I was pretty calm during the two week wait. Well that all fell apart last night. I had a first response in my house. I had this test for a long time, not sure why. I took it and got a faint double line. I would post it but I couldn’t get the picture to come out. Then I immediately went online. Found a site that stated any line is a positive. Or it could be to early or the test expired. I looked at the back of the box 2/2013. Now my face was hitting the floor. I put on some sweats and a tee shirt and was off to Walmart. It was 9pm and I didn’t care. I ended up buying four test. Clearly I didn’t do any research. One negative from EPT. Come to find out isn’t that sensitive. Another faint line First response.
Then the site mentioned taking them again on the first morning urine. I did and of course it wouldn’t be my life if anything was easy. The line was even fainter. I don’t even know if fainter is a word. But I am sure you understand what I am trying to say.
Then after some research I found out the dollar tree test is very sensitive. I spent all this damn money and could have gotten a test for dollar. I was feeling very stupid at that point. Thought Dollar Tree was not open during my moment of craziness.
I went to take my blood test this morning. They said I will know in a day or two. Or they freaking mad. I will be dying in two days. I am barely making it now. So of course I went to Dollar Tree on my lunch break. I got three test, because one was just not enough.
I am going to take them when I get home. God please make this happen!!!
My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.
The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.
Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.
I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good. I feel so helpless.
On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.
I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.
I will be inseminating this week. I been testing and I swear my emotions have been all over the place. I did go on a three-mile walk yesterday. I pushed myself because my lazy ass was ready to die after the second time around the park. I was impressed with pushing through. Usually not like me. I found this song I am in love with. I usually do not listen to the radio, so I am not up on any of the latest music. Here is the music video.
I have to say I love old school music. When I grew up it wasn’t old. But now that my ass is old it is called old school.
Here is what I am use to listening to:
I didn’t do much this weekend. I did go to acupuncture I am trying every angle to make this IUI a success. She gave me a tea to drink before I inseminate. I need to cook it up tonight. She doesn’t do tea bags. She puts the dirt, leaves and bark in a brown paper bag. So more dirt tea for me. I have actually been getting use to the taste. I swear I never thought I would say that. Everything I have done this past 12 months is leading up to this week. Nervous is just part of my emotions. My Co-worker came to my office and said are you ready for this week. I said no thinking she was talking about work. She was referring to my IUI and I did show some excitement.
All this is some scare shit!! All of it. From going through the stress of the IUI working or not. Doing it all alone with no real emotional support. I was feeling lonely this weekend. I don’t have that feeling often. It did consume me a little. No one called all day Saturday. It is funny when you want someone to call the phone doesn’t ring. When you are in a great conversation the phone won’t stop.
I am going to start praying tonight. I need something to ground me. I feel all over the place.
The cyst has decreased to a reasonable level. So I start the drugs tonight. Having an ultrasound during my period wad disgusting but not as bad as I thought it would be. Bills are coming in and I thank god I can pay them. I owe on my taxes and decided I will put the credit card down on Friday. Why rush to pay. :-), but I don’t want to cut it to close to the wire.
So I only paid 30 bucks for my Femara. Can I say HELL YEAH!! I heard it could be up to 500 bucks. They had me go to the small out-of-the-way pharmacy. It was not close but for 30 bucks I don’t have a problem with driving.
On Friday I come in for my Menpur shot. Then next week the trigger shot and two insemination’s I called my aunt and told her half of her grandchildren are in the mail. Yes I ordered the sperm. This guy wasn’t my first, second or third choice After I was told I had to have CMV-, I had to be allot less picky. I know he has confirmed pregnancy. So I hope his little men get my knocked up on the first time. Then I could careless what choice he was. He would be my frozen baby daddy!!!
I am not scared but I am on edge. I don’t know how to describe my present emotions. I am still listening to my CD over and over again. My life is about to change in a BIG WAY. The way I wanted. Now I have anticipation of getting what I asked for!!!
Today was not my day. I don’t know what I expected. I was walking into a doctor’s office with bad test to begin with. Well I had my ultrasound and found I have fibroid. Shocked the hell out of me. Well she informed me 70% of black women have them. On a good note they are very small. I guess I can’t say I don’t have female issues again.
The ultrasound was being performed and I couldn’t tell what the hell she was looking at. She was measuring my fibroid and looking at the general stuff in the uterus. Well she could see one tube very clearly. The other one not so much.
I am sitting in the chair in her office. I swear I wanted to break down and cry. I was holding it back. Still haven’t cried yet, been holding it back all day. She basically said, she is not sure if one of my tubes is open and works. If it does not all this might be a waste of time. If it is open she isn’t making any promises and would give me a 10% chance of IUI success with full medication. She said I should try about three times. Which could cost me a total of six thousand dollars.
She sees the benefit of IVF for me. Now I really want to cry. I do not have the money for IVF. Especially since my insurance doesn’t cover anything for fertility. I read all these blogs of women who have tried IVF several times. Some still come home with no baby. I know three people who did IVF and didn’t end up with a baby. All is a dead issues since I can’t afford IVF.
She advised I get a HSG test. The test I was avoiding due to the cost. Now I am all in because I feel my dreams slipping away. They actually fit me in for today. Thank god it wasn’t painful. I heard other women screamed in pain. She did give me four Advil and some prescription I picked up before the procedure. It was a little uncomfortable but nothing to serious.
I was trying to get the tech to tell me something. No damn luck on that one. I did get to see one picture. I had no idea what I was looking at. I know there is no guarantees. But I am so scared and depressed and gloom and doom right now. I need to work on getting my faith back. It is so low right now. I know god has done a lot of great things for me. Will he pull this through. Or am I one of the people who don’t get a baby. Which my aunt proceeded to tell me. Not all women get to have babies. Thanks auntie!!! I am in the not all women club for a lot of things. Then no baby is not a club I want to join. My single mother by choice friend is getting me straight. She had a five percent chance and got pregnant on the first try. We are all different and who knows life is stranger than fiction. I could be pregnant on the first try. I am going to pray for that. I am so bitter right now. I need to work on my mood and positivity if I want any type of success.
My test came back. In so many words my eggs suck. Yes I said it. They are old. My AMH was .28. Normal is 1-3. If I am pregnant right now, god was really on my side. She wants me to start taking DHEA. The supplement that put all these damn pimples on my face. I have to say I am not excited about it.
She did say the results were expected for being 38. I swear I should have gotten knocked up years ago. No I was the safe sex poster girl. I need not joke about that because I know a few people who are HIV positive. I know I was doing the right thing. The problem in doing the right thing, I feel like I am getting the shit end of the stick.
I remember last year when a reproductive place said the .2 AMH just means you are going to go through menopause early. You could leave here and get pregnant right away. I am trying to stay positive. There are no guaranteeing in life.
I could be crying and my causal circumstance this weekend could have been my dream come true.
I don’t feel comfortable telling the doctor about the casual circumstance. So I am not sure how to maneuver through that one.
I am not feeling positive right now. I am going to work on it. I asked her does she still see good odds after my test have come back. I am waiting for that answer. I swear I checked my email five times already.
I can not afford IVF. I am going to go all in with the medication and recommendation for the IUI. I am hoping I don’t have to. I know, still trying to keep hope alive!!!!
I know people who have passed all test with flying colors and couldn’t get pregnant. Then their women who did horrible on the test and went home with a baby. God here my prayers. HELP ME!!!!!
- In pieces… Infertile (sachablack.wordpress.com)
- fertility (victoriapardoe.wordpress.com)
- IUI up, IUI down (sachablack.wordpress.com)
I got the promotion. A sizable raise more vacation and an office. I am beyond happy. The whole change of my plans was not expected at all. The fact that my boss went to another company. My boss, boss gave her notice in anger. Now I have a great flexible boss with money and extra vacation. I made plans, god took over and gave me things I would have never have imagined.
The first thing I did was make my appointment at the Feminist Women’s Center. It is time to get on the ball with baby making. A friend of mine asked me to go on vacation as my present to myself for my promotion. I said no, I am working on having a baby. She called me a miser. Which I am, but that isn’t the point. I been obsessed about having a baby for over a year and a half. Crying and upset because I had no idea how I was going to afford it.
The stars have aligned and things are coming into place. I praying to get pregnant quick with twin girls. I know it is crazy. It is crazy for it to come out of my mouth. I still want it. Ultimately I want a healthy baby or babies. Regardless or gender or amount.
I am scared and ready to being this journey. I am trying to decided if I am going to discuss this on my YouTube channel. Why not??? I guess I don’t know if I am ready for any back lash.
I experienced some single mother by choice prejudice this weekend. I saw a sign for an acupuncturist. It was down the street from my house. I went in and asked about the fertility acupuncture. He asked me a large amount of question. He thought I was a lesbian. Which he didn’t seem to happy about. Then when I told him I was doing this alone and was not gay. He gave me a IUI doesn’t work speech. Which sounded to me you don’t want to help anyone who is not in a traditional family. I was very put off and amazed because this has never happened before. I will drive to my acupuncturist where I feel accepted and taken care of. Now I know the distance of that drive is totally worth it. This clearly is the beginning of the prejudice I will experience going forward. I have to tell you the people at my job who know now will be the only people I tell.
When I come in pregnant and I start getting questions. My answer will be he is not around and I don’t want to talk about it. I am not the free type with facts about my life. So this should not be unusual. Plus I have known problem being rude when it comes to people asking about my personal life. I got the feeling they thought I was a lesbian with all the questions about the men in my life. If I am or not is none of their business. I am a single heterosexual woman. They are always boggled why I am single. My boss, boss would always make these comments of finding me a man. It kind of pissed me off. Relationships are hard and people get divorced all the time. Why am I considered strange. I am the asshole attractor. That is my title if a guy is an asshole he is attracted to me. Such is life. I am not looking back I am looking forward to my future. GOD please let this happen quickly and with no complications. That is my prayer now!!!
- Fertility & Acupuncture (newleaffertility.wordpress.com)
Through my sickness and possible layoff a master plan emerged. For all of you who have been following my blog I have felt hopeless in my TTC journey. Finally a blink of light has opened up.
My upside down house I have always felt has been my biggest issue to my having a baby. Well I might have found a way to unload it. I should have listen when my cousin did this two years ago. I swear I have a hard head. She told me I should and if I had paid attention I would have been ahead of the game. I am going to start off with sorry cuz I will listen from now on.
A short sale might be my saving grace. I don’t know all the ends and outs. My neighbor and I will be meeting with another cousins friend who deals with real estate this weekend. Pray that this is the solution!! So the original plan was to rent my townhouse instead of waiting for a layoff. Then stay with some friends. Pay them rent money. Which they would appreciate being the are also held hostage by the economy.
I called my cousin friend/real estate person. He told me I would get a little over the mortgage to rent the place. I told him hell no it wouldn’t even cover his fee. I would be losing money. Then he mentioned a short sale. I was all ears. I am meeting him this weekend so he can go over any questions I have. He was out-of-town when I called.
I told my neighbor he is ready to jump on the bandwagon also. So we are both meeting him this weekend. The rest of the plan is to move in with a friend and save money. Also to send money home to do the needed work on my mother’s house. Yes at the end of this process I will be moving back to Massachusetts. My friends from home are happy. My friends from Georgia not so happy.
It is a hard choice but it must be made. The best part is my closest friend from home is a nurse. I forgot that because that is not what she does fulltime presently. She is a RN and she mentioned she could do my insemination for free at her house. I thought hot damn I hit pay dirt!!! I need to get of the modesty of her seeing the goods. Which she did see before when I was 13 showing me how to use a tampon. She is a hands on type of friends.
I know I need a doctor to sign off on the home deliver of sperm. Hopefully I can take care of that before I leave Georgia. Now this plan is months out but at least I feel like finally I can have what I want. Children!!!
I might do a few insemination before leaving Georgia. Not sure of the logistics. I know a lot is riding on this meeting this weekend. Pray for me!!! I really need it!!! Finally I have some hope!!
Well Mr. Ex who might be Mr. Back in my life is out of the country. He will not be back for two weeks. He actually was doing a great job of keeping in contact then in our previous relationship. He had to go out of the country for work. I knew I wouldn’t be talking to him. His cell phone is not international. He was supposed to be emailing. Not sure what has happened with that. I have not received an email. Oh well living life doing my own thing. We will see what happens when he gets back. I am not sweating the small things anymore.
I went to a seminar at the Feminist Woman’s Center in Atlanta. They have a small reproductive program. I even told him that is where I was going. I have been honest with him concerning my plan to be a mother. Regardless of what happens with him and me. Now it would be nice if we work out and he can be my partner in my dream. I have to do what I have to do.
I really liked this place. It is geared to lesbians and single mothers by choice. When I went to Georgia Reproductive I was surrounded by couples trying to get pregnant. Now at this Woman’s Center I am again surrounded by couples trying to get pregnant. Granted these are lesbian women that were referring to each other as their partners. I was thinking it seems like everyone has a partner but me. I called my neighbor and said you should have come and faked to be my partner. We both shared a good laugh.
Ok I am single no partner at the moment. I have a possibility of a partner which is very new situation which I am trying to stay positive about.
So my plan B. If Mr. Ex doesn’t turn into a relationship, I am laying down the credit card and getting knocked up. Granted my biggest worry has always been spending money I don’t have. I have to say at this moment I don’t care. I will work it out later. I told my aunt that if Mr. Man doesn’t work out, I will be getting pregnant and moving back home.
She was shocked by my declaration but liked the idea for her selfish reason. I know I am missed by my family. I know coming home regardless of the drama that family brings. I will have a support system to help me with my child. Babies tend to bring new life to families. I know a child of mine would do that for my little family. I really do like the Woman’s clinic reproductive program. First it is half the price of the big reproductive centers in Atlanta. Second they seem to really care and not just in it for a check. The counselor of the program had two children through the program. That gave me the personal touch that I desire. My thoughts are all over the place. I am trying to feel good about the weekend coming to an end and going to work tomorrow. It is not going well but I do appreciate having a job, especially in the economy. That fact of appreciation still does not make me thrilled that the weekend is almost over.
A friend of mine wanted to go to a Seminar at a local reproductive clinic. We were the first ones there. As we sat there waiting for it to start couples seem to pile into the room. I whispered to my friend they are going to think we are lesbians. She looked at me like I was crazy. Clearly the seminar was not focused on single mothers by choice. It was geared to couples with fertility issues.
The statistics were very depressing. It really made my thinking about this at 36 look bleak. It took later bringing this to my single mother by choice group to make me feel better. I have no reason to think I have fertility issues. None of these statistics could apply to me. Also to even think you have fertility problems a couple would have to try for a year to have a child. I haven’t done the baby dance in so long it is hard to even think about. Not that I haven’t had the opportunity. I was tired of sleeping with men I had no future with. Even when performing the act to have a child I was always protected so pregnancy wouldn’t happen. Plus I am beyond per node about diseases.
Now with my desire to have children, I look back and realize I had an abundance of chances to get pregnant. I never thought I would be at the point of wanting to do it by myself. Especially with growing having a father that wasn’t that involved in my life. That was the last thing I wanted was to be a single mom.
It is funny how things change with time. Now I am sitting in this seminar with couples that want a child as I do. Being an accountant I am all about dollars and cents. I bombarded the doctor with questions concerning the cost of this process. The doctor was more into telling us the benefits of using their clinic. He mentioned how much the air conditioner cost during the tour. I felt it was a sales pitch. There are three different practices in the area that I know of. I am sure they all want the business of the infertile. That is there bread and butter.
My point was I am a middle class woman without the second income of a partner. Struggling in a bad economy to pay the bills and stay sane. Reading all the blogs and talking to a woman who did home insemination. I start thinking should I try to do it at home. It would make the expense greatly decrease. Then the realization, that I am not that kind of woman. The do it yourself kinds. Hats off to them but I know that is not me. I am the pay someone to do it and spare myself the drama. Well with research there are clinics that are not fertility clinics that will do an IUI for less the cost. When I am ready to make that move that is where I will start. The doctor actually gave me a referral to the The Feminist Woman’s Health Center. I read their webpage and they cater to Lesbian and Single Moms. It sounds perfect for my possible single mom status.
I am still in the thinking stage and have to plan if I am really going to do this. My friend made an appointment to have her first consultation. She is turning 39 and time is of the essence. Even though I know I could handle being a single mother if I had to. It still feels like a loss. A loss of the dream of the family I never had and wanted to give to my children. I have the loss of a man by my side in life and to share in the joy of our family.
I have to face the fact that even if I have a child by myself it does not mean I will not find that man. Or even if I found that man would he be all I imagined. There are no guarantees with anything. The icing on the cake was the doctor told my friend and I health insurance does not cover same sex couples. We looked at each other and broke out laughing. I let him know I was not a lesbian.