Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

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Baby project #14

English: Cervical cap Français : Cape cervical...

 

Second insemination went smoothly. Five follicles have released  I was laying there thinking HELL YES!! It sounded like good news. My doctor is very dry. She even had a great tone to her voice. She did say if this didn’t work, she wouldn’t change the protocol at all.

 

The social worker and I talked after my 15 min of laying there. I told her I was excited by the number of follicles. She said it is a good sign. How good are they and will they create a baby is the big question.

 

The cervical cap came out easily last night. She placed another one in today. I wanted to go to my acupuncturist  today.  I will be there tomorrow. The last time I was there she said they got robbed. When she left late at night. So I decided against going because I wouldn’t get there until late. I don’t want to put myself or my acupuncturist in danger. Her husband is out of the country for a while.

 

The social worker said try not to worry about it. If I can pull that off I need to write a book. I am going to assume right at this moment I am pregnant with my twin girls. Here is to the Law of Attraction!!!

 

That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

Important Week!!

I will be inseminating this week. I been testing and I swear my emotions have been all over the place. I did go on a three-mile walk yesterday. I pushed myself because my lazy ass was ready to die after the second time around the park. I was impressed with pushing through. Usually not like me. I found this song I am in love with. I usually do not listen to the radio, so I am not up on any of the latest music. Here is the music video.

I have to say I love old school music. When I grew up it wasn’t old. But now that my ass is old it is called old school.

Here is what I am use to listening to:

I didn’t do much this weekend. I did go to acupuncture  I am trying every angle to make this IUI a success. She gave me a tea to drink before I inseminate. I need to cook it up tonight. She doesn’t do tea bags. She puts the dirt, leaves and bark in a brown paper bag. So more dirt tea for me. I have actually been getting use to the taste. I swear I never thought I would say that.  Everything I have done this past 12 months is leading up to this week. Nervous is just part of my emotions. My Co-worker came to my office and said are you ready for this week. I said no thinking she was talking about work. She was referring to my IUI and I did show some excitement.

All this is some scare shit!! All of it. From going through the stress of the IUI working or not. Doing it all alone with no real emotional support. I was feeling lonely this weekend. I don’t have that feeling often. It did consume me a little. No one called all day Saturday. It is funny when you want someone to call the phone doesn’t ring. When you are in a great conversation the phone won’t stop.

I am going to start praying tonight. I need something to ground me. I feel all over the place.

Baby Project #9

English: Human sperm stained for semen quality...

 

The cyst has decreased to a reasonable level. So I start the drugs tonight. Having an ultrasound during my period wad disgusting  but not as bad as I thought it would be. Bills are coming in and I thank god I can pay them. I owe on my taxes and decided I will put the credit card down on Friday. Why rush to pay. :-), but I don’t want to cut it to close to the wire.

 

So I only paid 30 bucks for my Femara. Can I say HELL YEAH!! I heard it could be up to 500 bucks. They had me go to the small out-of-the-way pharmacy. It was not close but for 30 bucks I don’t have a problem with driving.

 

On Friday I come in for my Menpur shot. Then next week the trigger shot and two insemination’s    I called my aunt and told her half of her grandchildren are in the mail. Yes I ordered the sperm. This guy wasn’t my first, second or third choice  After I was told I had to have CMV-, I had to be allot less picky. I know he has confirmed pregnancy. So I hope his little men get my knocked up on the first time. Then I could careless what choice he was. He would be my frozen baby daddy!!!

 

I am not scared but I am on edge. I don’t know how to describe my present emotions. I am still listening to my CD over and over again.  My life is about to change in a BIG WAY. The way I wanted. Now I have anticipation of getting what I asked for!!!

 

Baby Project Fail!!!

Today was not my day. I don’t know what I expected. I was walking into a doctor’s office with bad test to begin with. Well I had my ultrasound and found I have fibroid. Shocked the hell out of me. Well she informed me 70% of black women have them. On a good note they are very small.  I guess I can’t say I don’t have female issues again.

The ultrasound was being performed and I couldn’t tell what the hell she was looking at. She was measuring my fibroid and looking at the general stuff in the uterus. Well she could see one tube very clearly. The other one not so much.

I am sitting in the chair in her office. I swear I wanted to break down and cry. I was holding it back. Still haven’t cried yet, been holding it back all day. She basically said, she is not sure if one of my tubes is open and works. If it does not all this might be a waste of time. If it is open she isn’t making any promises and would give me a 10% chance of IUI success with full medication. She said I should try about three times.  Which could cost me a total of six thousand dollars.

She sees the benefit of IVF for me. Now I really want to cry. I do not have the money for IVF.  Especially since my insurance doesn’t cover anything for fertility. I read all these blogs of women who have tried IVF several times. Some still come home with no baby. I know three people who did IVF and didn’t end up with a baby. All is a dead issues since I can’t afford IVF.

She advised I get a HSG test. The test I was avoiding due to the cost. Now I am all in because I feel my dreams slipping away. They actually fit me in for today. Thank god it wasn’t painful. I heard other women screamed in pain. She did give me four Advil and some prescription I picked up before the procedure. It was a little uncomfortable but nothing to serious.

I was trying to get the tech to tell me something. No damn luck on that one. I did get to see one picture. I had no idea what I was looking at. I know there is no guarantees. But I am so scared and depressed and gloom and doom right now. I need to work on getting my faith back. It is so low right now. I know god has done a lot of great things for me. Will he pull this through. Or am I one of the people who don’t get a baby. Which my aunt proceeded to tell me. Not all women get to have babies. Thanks auntie!!! I am in the not all women club for a lot of things. Then no baby is not a club I want to join.  My single mother by choice friend is getting me straight. She had a five percent chance and got pregnant on the first try. We are all different and who knows life is stranger than fiction. I could be pregnant on the first try. I am going to pray for that. I am so bitter right now. I need to work on my mood and positivity if I want any type of success.

It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!

 

Here I am!!

I moved into my new office today. I just had enough time to put my stuff down and get to work. I have so much to do. I love the office, but I feel out of the loop to the office antics. All the jokes over the cube. I guess when you are boss you’re out of the loop.

I have two employees. One I been working with as a peer and one to be hired. So far so good. I am working on my delegation skills.  Now that I have been promoted I feel I need to up my game at work. I only took a half an hour lunch to get more work done. As soon as we get past year-end. I am sure things will lighten up.

I going to a sleep over tonight. I wish it was with a man LOL!! My old neighbor needs someone to drive her to her egg retrieval in the morning. So I am sleeping over because I do not live close to her.

It is sad when us SMC have no one to help. If it happened on a week day she was going to have the cab driver say he was related to her. What do you do when you don’t have a partner or family close to help you. That is why I know I need to move to Boston eventually. My family would never leave me in the dust. Granted I don’t have much family and they are all in there 60’s.  I appreciate them and the fact that they are excited for my journey.

I wonder how long egg retrieval takes???

 

 

Life Begins!!

I got the promotion. A sizable raise more vacation and an office. I am beyond happy. The whole change of my plans was not expected at all. The fact that my boss went to another company. My boss, boss gave her notice in anger. Now I have a great flexible boss with money and extra vacation. I made plans, god took over and gave me things I would have never have imagined.

The first thing I did was make my appointment at the Feminist Women’s Center. It is time to get on the ball with baby making. A friend of mine asked me to go on vacation as my present to myself for my promotion. I said no, I am working on having a baby. She called me a miser. Which I am, but that isn’t the point. I been obsessed about having a baby for over a year and a half. Crying and upset because I had no idea how I was going to afford it.

The stars have aligned and things are coming into place. I praying to get pregnant quick with twin girls. I know it is crazy. It is crazy for it to come out of my mouth. I still want it. Ultimately I want a healthy baby or babies. Regardless or gender or amount.

I am scared and ready to being this journey. I am trying to decided if I am going to discuss this on my YouTube channel. Why not??? I guess I don’t know if I am ready for any back lash.

I experienced some single mother by choice prejudice this weekend. I saw a sign for an acupuncturist. It was down the street from my house. I went in and asked about the fertility acupuncture. He asked me a large amount of question. He thought I was a lesbian. Which he didn’t seem to happy about. Then when I told him I was doing this alone and was not gay. He gave me a IUI doesn’t work speech. Which sounded to me you don’t want to help anyone who is not in a traditional family. I was very put off and amazed because this has never happened before. I will drive to my acupuncturist where I feel accepted and taken care of. Now I know the distance of that drive is totally worth it. This clearly is the beginning of the prejudice I will experience going forward. I have to tell you the people at my job who know now will be the only people I tell.

When I come in pregnant and I start getting questions. My answer will be he is not around and I don’t want to talk about it. I am not the free type with facts about my life. So this should not be unusual. Plus I have known problem being rude when it comes to people asking about my personal life. I got the feeling they thought I was a lesbian with all the questions about the men in my life. If I am or not is none of their business. I am a single heterosexual woman. They are always boggled why I am single. My boss, boss would always make these comments of finding me a man. It kind of pissed me off. Relationships are hard and people get divorced all the time. Why am I considered strange. I am the asshole attractor. That is my title if a guy is an asshole he is attracted to me. Such is life. I am not looking back I am looking forward to my future. GOD please let this happen quickly and with no complications. That is my prayer now!!!

 

Sperm Donor X: A Different Conception

Oocyte viewed with HMC

Image via Wikipedia

I found another documentary for single mother‘s by choice. This movie was screened at the 30th anniversary conference. I really liked this documentary. If the housing market was worth anything I would do exactly what the woman did in the movie. She took a second mortgage on the house and had her children.

I give this movie an A+. It was very honest, real and touching. I felt all her emotions. There were several women depicted in the movie. I found this movie on the SMBC website under there forum section. I love that I streamed it to my computer for five bucks. Here is the link if anyone is interested. The video is located here.

It was nice to see how she choose her sperm donor. I felt I went through the whole process with her. She had a relationship that was up and down through the whole process. She even considered making him her child’s father for her last chance not to do it alone. Wow that was powerful because I feel the exact same way.

She did end up doing it alone and had major issues she had to deal with. When she stated she was in 30K worth of debt to have her children. My mind was running and sad for my small savings account, my house with no equity, and my 401k that isn’t worth shit. I have nowhere to pull this money. Also these credit cards with their ridiculous interests rates.

Not all the women in the movie ended up with children. I felt their pain also. This movie hit many topics. Picking a sperm donor. Going through the process and not achieving success. Switching to IVF because IUI weren’t working. The debt you incur and still could be babyless.

I watched this movie twice yesterday. I know something will open up for me to make this happen. I am staying positive. My food has been clean for seven days. I feel lighter and positive. I am going to stay focus and I know things will go my way. My faith is increasing. Finally light at the end of the tunnel.