Here I am!!

I moved into my new office today. I just had enough time to put my stuff down and get to work. I have so much to do. I love the office, but I feel out of the loop to the office antics. All the jokes over the cube. I guess when you are boss you’re out of the loop.

I have two employees. One I been working with as a peer and one to be hired. So far so good. I am working on my delegation skills.  Now that I have been promoted I feel I need to up my game at work. I only took a half an hour lunch to get more work done. As soon as we get past year-end. I am sure things will lighten up.

I going to a sleep over tonight. I wish it was with a man LOL!! My old neighbor needs someone to drive her to her egg retrieval in the morning. So I am sleeping over because I do not live close to her.

It is sad when us SMC have no one to help. If it happened on a week day she was going to have the cab driver say he was related to her. What do you do when you don’t have a partner or family close to help you. That is why I know I need to move to Boston eventually. My family would never leave me in the dust. Granted I don’t have much family and they are all in there 60’s.  I appreciate them and the fact that they are excited for my journey.

I wonder how long egg retrieval takes???

 

 

Life Begins!!

I got the promotion. A sizable raise more vacation and an office. I am beyond happy. The whole change of my plans was not expected at all. The fact that my boss went to another company. My boss, boss gave her notice in anger. Now I have a great flexible boss with money and extra vacation. I made plans, god took over and gave me things I would have never have imagined.

The first thing I did was make my appointment at the Feminist Women’s Center. It is time to get on the ball with baby making. A friend of mine asked me to go on vacation as my present to myself for my promotion. I said no, I am working on having a baby. She called me a miser. Which I am, but that isn’t the point. I been obsessed about having a baby for over a year and a half. Crying and upset because I had no idea how I was going to afford it.

The stars have aligned and things are coming into place. I praying to get pregnant quick with twin girls. I know it is crazy. It is crazy for it to come out of my mouth. I still want it. Ultimately I want a healthy baby or babies. Regardless or gender or amount.

I am scared and ready to being this journey. I am trying to decided if I am going to discuss this on my YouTube channel. Why not??? I guess I don’t know if I am ready for any back lash.

I experienced some single mother by choice prejudice this weekend. I saw a sign for an acupuncturist. It was down the street from my house. I went in and asked about the fertility acupuncture. He asked me a large amount of question. He thought I was a lesbian. Which he didn’t seem to happy about. Then when I told him I was doing this alone and was not gay. He gave me a IUI doesn’t work speech. Which sounded to me you don’t want to help anyone who is not in a traditional family. I was very put off and amazed because this has never happened before. I will drive to my acupuncturist where I feel accepted and taken care of. Now I know the distance of that drive is totally worth it. This clearly is the beginning of the prejudice I will experience going forward. I have to tell you the people at my job who know now will be the only people I tell.

When I come in pregnant and I start getting questions. My answer will be he is not around and I don’t want to talk about it. I am not the free type with facts about my life. So this should not be unusual. Plus I have known problem being rude when it comes to people asking about my personal life. I got the feeling they thought I was a lesbian with all the questions about the men in my life. If I am or not is none of their business. I am a single heterosexual woman. They are always boggled why I am single. My boss, boss would always make these comments of finding me a man. It kind of pissed me off. Relationships are hard and people get divorced all the time. Why am I considered strange. I am the asshole attractor. That is my title if a guy is an asshole he is attracted to me. Such is life. I am not looking back I am looking forward to my future. GOD please let this happen quickly and with no complications. That is my prayer now!!!

 

Sperm Donor X: A Different Conception

Oocyte viewed with HMC

Image via Wikipedia

I found another documentary for single mother‘s by choice. This movie was screened at the 30th anniversary conference. I really liked this documentary. If the housing market was worth anything I would do exactly what the woman did in the movie. She took a second mortgage on the house and had her children.

I give this movie an A+. It was very honest, real and touching. I felt all her emotions. There were several women depicted in the movie. I found this movie on the SMBC website under there forum section. I love that I streamed it to my computer for five bucks. Here is the link if anyone is interested. The video is located here.

It was nice to see how she choose her sperm donor. I felt I went through the whole process with her. She had a relationship that was up and down through the whole process. She even considered making him her child’s father for her last chance not to do it alone. Wow that was powerful because I feel the exact same way.

She did end up doing it alone and had major issues she had to deal with. When she stated she was in 30K worth of debt to have her children. My mind was running and sad for my small savings account, my house with no equity, and my 401k that isn’t worth shit. I have nowhere to pull this money. Also these credit cards with their ridiculous interests rates.

Not all the women in the movie ended up with children. I felt their pain also. This movie hit many topics. Picking a sperm donor. Going through the process and not achieving success. Switching to IVF because IUI weren’t working. The debt you incur and still could be babyless.

I watched this movie twice yesterday. I know something will open up for me to make this happen. I am staying positive. My food has been clean for seven days. I feel lighter and positive. I am going to stay focus and I know things will go my way. My faith is increasing. Finally light at the end of the tunnel.

OCD

I have Obsessive-compulsive disorder.  I know this is a disease and I am not trying to make light of it. I have not been diagnosed but when it comes to certain things I go into OCD mode.

I want a baby. I am obsessed with this want. I have been obsessed over other things over the years. I have made them happen. Granted those things were more in my control. My family tells me when I want something I make sure I get it.

Receiving a college degree. Going to college was not a requirement in my family. All my family at the time just had a high school diploma. I made it happen even thought I didn’t have the money. I worked my ass off. Every summer and during school I had many jobs.

I wanted to move to Georgia. I made it happen. To some that might seem like a big thing. My family will live and die in Boston. It was rare for anyone to leave Boston. They barely come and visit. That tells you how much they won’t leave that place. So for me to escape was a big deal. My uncle (RIP) told me I would be back. Which I was totally pissed off when he said that. He wasn’t referring to me coming back on my own terms. It was you will fail miserable and be back here. That has not happened. Thank god.

I have had some rough patches but in no way have I failed. In the single mother by choice community you have the thinkers and tryers. They don’t have a want to be tryer but needs money group. That would be my people if they did.

When I went to the meeting I was feeling so less then. These women had high-powered jobs. I have a decent job, but it isn’t high-powered and not high paying. Granted I could have done better with my finances. I think I have done pretty well. I have a perfect credit score. Which is a big feat coming from a woman who doesn’t like to pay bills. Good credit does not equate to disposable income. Which I am lacking big time. The only thing standing in my way is money. I stay in my fantasies about this money showing up.

I know I need to do something to make it happen. I have no idea what. Everyone is just trying to make it these days. I am a paycheck away from poverty. It is sad that I feel like my hands are tied. I text my ex boyfriend and told him I hate him. I know it was childish. I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t care I do hate him. He was my way to make this baby thing happen.

Being back at square one sucks. He text back thanks for that information. I am going to keep praying. Something needs to happen. I am not a patient person. I already picked out my donor. I know that is crazy since I don’t have the money in order to purchase his DNA. Every guy I meet that doesn’t fit the bill, draws me into being a SMC.

When I am ready to throw the charge card down then I have totally reached the end of the road. Truly I can’t afford it. When it gets to the point that I don’t care one way or another. The the last straw has emerged.

Friday Depression

Well I am no longer in a relationship. He broke up with me via text message. No I am not making this up. He is so sorry that he couldn’t even face me on the phone. Then they wonder why we want to have children by ourselves. We had a text message battle on Friday. Yes I did mention he was a punk to do this via text message. I swear I hate this man. I only had few situations in my life where I experienced hate. This is one I can add to the list. Fuck him and I am glad I know what type of person he is now. He is just sorry in my book. If he came to me like a man and discussed this with me. I would be upset but would have had to accept it. No he couldn’t do that. So I hate him. He better never contact me again. I know he feels bad. I got text message at 12am asking if I was asleep. I just looked at my phone and thought seriously.

What is killing me about this is we have known each other for ten years. We have been friends longer than anything else. Well I decided not to dwell. My girl and I are going bowling and play pool. I am still in a bad place. I am going out with my girl who is less pressure. Not worrying about men at all. I have been asked on a few dates. Yeah I know  I work quick. Well I jumped on my Yahoo IM and started talking to folks I haven’t talked to in months. I got three offers of sperm for my baby journey.

It is funny how men are offering me their seed. One offered and I was beyond shocked. I thought he loved the bachelor life. He said he wasn’t getting any younger and didn’t have kids. He is sexy also. He is another long story from my past. Well actually not a long story but a story I need to keep to myself.  Our relationship was not the brightest moment in my history. Case closed on that LOL. I have to regroup and think about my next step. I decided I am jumping back into dating. I am going to save for my possible sperm purchase. I told a friend from home if a lump some of money comes into my life. I am going straight to getting pregnant and not worry about bullshit relationships. Right now I am going to have to save for that.

Either way god is on my side. I am going to keep taking my supplements for egg quality and move forward. One guy I lusted after years ago. He was so my type. I will not go into why we never got together. Well he is retired from the military and already has children. I told him he could father my children and give me the medical insurance for my babies through the military and we would be even. We had a big laugh on that one. LOL I am crazy!! I know it. If you can’t laugh at yourself then you are taking life to seriously.

It will all work out.

Lottery update

Scratchcards sold in Berlin, Germany

Image via Wikipedia

The scratch ticket I held on to was a winner. It wasn’t what I dreamed. A free ticket which equals a winner so I broke even. How can you beat that. Of course I scratched another one in the same manner. I won again!!! I still have no idea how much. I am leaving that for next Monday. When I wake up and don’t feel like going to work.  I want to have something to look forward to.

My co-worker thinks I am beyond crazy. He is a true gambler. He offered me 50 bucks for my ticket.  I had to give him one of his sayings he gave me. I might be hungry but I am not starving. How would I look selling a winning ticket that could possible be worth  5 million dollars for 50 bucks.  I am sure he is going to sell me a pet rock next.

I told the boyfriend again when I win we are going straight to RE for some IVF. Clearly I am not patient. I am ready for my mother’s day card. 🙂

Today is a sad day. My uncle funeral. I could not afford to go home. Another round of guilt for living so far from home.

And Baby Makes Two review (Director), Judy Katz

In the midst of my break up I bought this movie. I know three days and I was back in my single mom by choice mode. I bought two video’s and a book. I will review the others later. When they show up in the mail.

Well I guess it bothered me that the movie is so old.  It was filmed in 1997. Also all the women are not previewed. They picked three that you really got a lot of information about. In the now face book era I almost wanted there blog websites to get the update. I started realizing we are in each other  business too much. 🙂 No one was updating their status in 1997. I did enjoy these women dealing with the same emotions I have been feeling.

When I thought the movie was over it surprised me with an update from 1999-2007.  I did not feel that any of these women regretted their decision. Even thought it was not easy for any of them. They all had different issues. Two of the women profiled adopted children from China. They both had very different experiences. One woman seemed to have the model intelligent child. She mentioned how being a single mom was hard.  She had to go through illness and still had to get up and take care of the baby. The second woman China baby had medical problems. Than later she had issues in school that had to dealt with. Also life caught up with her and she lost her job and had to make hard choices.

This movie did not hold back any punches or sugar-coated anything.  One woman had a known anonymous donor  that was a friend. Later she reveled the  donor identity to her child. That dynamic seemed very difficult.  None of the women were married by the update. One woman got back together with a boyfriend. I didn’t get the vibe they were married but it seemed as if they were in a serious relationship.

The running theme that I feel people don’t understand is these women would have love to now be single.  They were getting older and accepted the lack of a male companionship. They could not accept the fact of never being a mother.  I really think it was a great documentary for the time it was filmed. Now that there are the commericalized type of  movies made on the topic. The back up plan with Jennifer Lopez. The Kids are alright about the lesbian couple using donor sperm.  I feel we are in a different world than 13 years ago.

I do believe there is still judgment of women who make this choice. I also believe there area also more understanding. There are statistic that single women make up 32 of sperm purchased. That is saying a lot for this generation. In the movie it stated that the numbers were not that high with women making this choice. I believe it is growing in numbers everyday. I believe motherhood will be my greatest accomplishment. That I will feel blessed to be given. I am proud of myself in many areas of my life. Now I am ready to look at a miniature me and show them the world. I don’t feel that makes me narcissistic. Which some specialist said in the movie. I think it makes me human.