I have Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I know this is a disease and I am not trying to make light of it. I have not been diagnosed but when it comes to certain things I go into OCD mode.
I want a baby. I am obsessed with this want. I have been obsessed over other things over the years. I have made them happen. Granted those things were more in my control. My family tells me when I want something I make sure I get it.
Receiving a college degree. Going to college was not a requirement in my family. All my family at the time just had a high school diploma. I made it happen even thought I didn’t have the money. I worked my ass off. Every summer and during school I had many jobs.
I wanted to move to Georgia. I made it happen. To some that might seem like a big thing. My family will live and die in Boston. It was rare for anyone to leave Boston. They barely come and visit. That tells you how much they won’t leave that place. So for me to escape was a big deal. My uncle (RIP) told me I would be back. Which I was totally pissed off when he said that. He wasn’t referring to me coming back on my own terms. It was you will fail miserable and be back here. That has not happened. Thank god.
I have had some rough patches but in no way have I failed. In the single mother by choice community you have the thinkers and tryers. They don’t have a want to be tryer but needs money group. That would be my people if they did.
When I went to the meeting I was feeling so less then. These women had high-powered jobs. I have a decent job, but it isn’t high-powered and not high paying. Granted I could have done better with my finances. I think I have done pretty well. I have a perfect credit score. Which is a big feat coming from a woman who doesn’t like to pay bills. Good credit does not equate to disposable income. Which I am lacking big time. The only thing standing in my way is money. I stay in my fantasies about this money showing up.
I know I need to do something to make it happen. I have no idea what. Everyone is just trying to make it these days. I am a paycheck away from poverty. It is sad that I feel like my hands are tied. I text my ex boyfriend and told him I hate him. I know it was childish. I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t care I do hate him. He was my way to make this baby thing happen.
Being back at square one sucks. He text back thanks for that information. I am going to keep praying. Something needs to happen. I am not a patient person. I already picked out my donor. I know that is crazy since I don’t have the money in order to purchase his DNA. Every guy I meet that doesn’t fit the bill, draws me into being a SMC.
When I am ready to throw the charge card down then I have totally reached the end of the road. Truly I can’t afford it. When it gets to the point that I don’t care one way or another. The the last straw has emerged.
Well I am no longer in a relationship. He broke up with me via text message. No I am not making this up. He is so sorry that he couldn’t even face me on the phone. Then they wonder why we want to have children by ourselves. We had a text message battle on Friday. Yes I did mention he was a punk to do this via text message. I swear I hate this man. I only had few situations in my life where I experienced hate. This is one I can add to the list. Fuck him and I am glad I know what type of person he is now. He is just sorry in my book. If he came to me like a man and discussed this with me. I would be upset but would have had to accept it. No he couldn’t do that. So I hate him. He better never contact me again. I know he feels bad. I got text message at 12am asking if I was asleep. I just looked at my phone and thought seriously.
What is killing me about this is we have known each other for ten years. We have been friends longer than anything else. Well I decided not to dwell. My girl and I are going bowling and play pool. I am still in a bad place. I am going out with my girl who is less pressure. Not worrying about men at all. I have been asked on a few dates. Yeah I know I work quick. Well I jumped on my Yahoo IM and started talking to folks I haven’t talked to in months. I got three offers of sperm for my baby journey.
It is funny how men are offering me their seed. One offered and I was beyond shocked. I thought he loved the bachelor life. He said he wasn’t getting any younger and didn’t have kids. He is sexy also. He is another long story from my past. Well actually not a long story but a story I need to keep to myself. Our relationship was not the brightest moment in my history. Case closed on that LOL. I have to regroup and think about my next step. I decided I am jumping back into dating. I am going to save for my possible sperm purchase. I told a friend from home if a lump some of money comes into my life. I am going straight to getting pregnant and not worry about bullshit relationships. Right now I am going to have to save for that.
Either way god is on my side. I am going to keep taking my supplements for egg quality and move forward. One guy I lusted after years ago. He was so my type. I will not go into why we never got together. Well he is retired from the military and already has children. I told him he could father my children and give me the medical insurance for my babies through the military and we would be even. We had a big laugh on that one. LOL I am crazy!! I know it. If you can’t laugh at yourself then you are taking life to seriously.
The scratch ticket I held on to was a winner. It wasn’t what I dreamed. A free ticket which equals a winner so I broke even. How can you beat that. Of course I scratched another one in the same manner. I won again!!! I still have no idea how much. I am leaving that for next Monday. When I wake up and don’t feel like going to work. I want to have something to look forward to.
My co-worker thinks I am beyond crazy. He is a true gambler. He offered me 50 bucks for my ticket. I had to give him one of his sayings he gave me. I might be hungry but I am not starving. How would I look selling a winning ticket that could possible be worth 5 million dollars for 50 bucks. I am sure he is going to sell me a pet rock next.
I told the boyfriend again when I win we are going straight to RE for some IVF. Clearly I am not patient. I am ready for my mother’s day card. 🙂
Today is a sad day. My uncle funeral. I could not afford to go home. Another round of guilt for living so far from home.
In the midst of my break up I bought this movie. I know three days and I was back in my single mom by choice mode. I bought two video’s and a book. I will review the others later. When they show up in the mail.
Well I guess it bothered me that the movie is so old. It was filmed in 1997. Also all the women are not previewed. They picked three that you really got a lot of information about. In the now face book era I almost wanted there blog websites to get the update. I started realizing we are in each other business too much. 🙂 No one was updating their status in 1997. I did enjoy these women dealing with the same emotions I have been feeling.
When I thought the movie was over it surprised me with an update from 1999-2007. I did not feel that any of these women regretted their decision. Even thought it was not easy for any of them. They all had different issues. Two of the women profiled adopted children from China. They both had very different experiences. One woman seemed to have the model intelligent child. She mentioned how being a single mom was hard. She had to go through illness and still had to get up and take care of the baby. The second woman China baby had medical problems. Than later she had issues in school that had to dealt with. Also life caught up with her and she lost her job and had to make hard choices.
This movie did not hold back any punches or sugar-coated anything. One woman had a known anonymous donor that was a friend. Later she reveled the donor identity to her child. That dynamic seemed very difficult. None of the women were married by the update. One woman got back together with a boyfriend. I didn’t get the vibe they were married but it seemed as if they were in a serious relationship.
The running theme that I feel people don’t understand is these women would have love to now be single. They were getting older and accepted the lack of a male companionship. They could not accept the fact of never being a mother. I really think it was a great documentary for the time it was filmed. Now that there are the commericalized type of movies made on the topic. The back up plan with Jennifer Lopez. The Kids are alright about the lesbian couple using donor sperm. I feel we are in a different world than 13 years ago.
I do believe there is still judgment of women who make this choice. I also believe there area also more understanding. There are statistic that single women make up 32 of sperm purchased. That is saying a lot for this generation. In the movie it stated that the numbers were not that high with women making this choice. I believe it is growing in numbers everyday. I believe motherhood will be my greatest accomplishment. That I will feel blessed to be given. I am proud of myself in many areas of my life. Now I am ready to look at a miniature me and show them the world. I don’t feel that makes me narcissistic. Which some specialist said in the movie. I think it makes me human.
I finally got the happy face. Yes my method of using the cheap OPK than confirming with the expensive Clear-blue easy works. This morning I thought I was going to get the happy face. The cheap OPK looked like two solid double line. The second line might have been lighter. Well I used two clear blue’s to find no happy face.
I knew I was going to see that happy face soon. I tested tonight the lines were both dark on the cheap OPK. So I used another expensive Clear-blue to confirm. Yeppie a happy face. Now 12 to 48 hours I will be ovulating. I want to put my soy isoflavones to work. I want to achieve the BFP.
Here is the issue the boyfriend is three hours away working. I am hoping he will make it to my house tonight. I do not want to wait another month. I know he has to work. I appreciate he has a job in this economy. Every time I watch the news my heart sinks for all those with no employment. I just need to catch a break. I am going to throw up smoke signals to the heavens to get this man here.
My friends birthday activities was very fun. We went to a jazz club. The service was really bad. I didn’t eat anything, but I couldn’t get a second refill on my three dollar soda.
I did have fun hanging with the girls. We laugh we joked and had a great time. I met some new people and tried to play matchmaker with a guy at the bar and one of the women at my table. I have no idea if it will work out, but I tried. My friend got drunk. It was funny, because I don’t think she meant to. Three guys bought her shots for her birthday. I was the designated driver. Since I don’t drink it wasn’t a big deal. On the way home she was falling asleep in the car. I am glad she enjoyed her birthday.
On the baby front. I am tracking my ovulation. Also trying to coordinate the boyfriends work schedule with my ovulation schedule. I am trying to stay positive that it will work out. Stressing does not help with trying to get pregnant.
I am also wondering if soy isoflavones will push my ovulation back. The RE told me that clomid pushes it back 90% of the time. If soy is supposed to do the same thing as clomid, than it is possible.
Well I am tracking twice a day not to miss it. I tried doing the basal temp thing. I was not consistent and couldn’t remember to take my temp before I went to the bathroom. I gave it the good old college try. I am keeping hope alive!!!
I am so happy it is Friday!!! I hope I get a nap in this weekend. I have been so tired lately. I have no idea if it is the isoflavones that has kicked my butt. My five days of taking them are over. Now we will see if I get the BFP like the other stories I have read.
I am staying positive that my constantly traveling boyfriend will be in town. Or close enough to drive when I get the double lines. Yes I said drive. I am pushing for this so efforts need to be made. One time I was going to go on one of his work trips. I had no one to take my dog. Well I could have asked one couple but it was so last minute. Boyfriend tried to find a motel that would let me bring my pain in the ass dog. No luck on that one so no dice.
My co-worker and I are obsessed with getting pregnant. Well I am more obsessed and taking her along for the ride. It is nice to have people on the same page.
I am hitting a club this weekend. I am a little self conscious. I haven’t been to a club in a long damn time. I am not buying anything new. I use to do that for going out. Since I have a man presently no new purchases will be made. Purchases were made when I was looking for a man. That is the logic I would use when putting down the plastic for an outfit I would wear once maybe twice.
It is my friend’s birthday. I have no idea what to get her. She is an easy friend and appreciate anything. I have to work my brain. I usually get her something inexpensive that she can use. My mind has been blank. It isn’t that big of deal. We don’t exchange gifts all the time. I might just buy her a drink at the club. Maybe I will be her designated driver. That could be a great birthday present. I don’t drink so it wouldn’t be a big deal for me.
Five is not coming quick enough. I can’t wait to get into traffic and feel free for a couple of days. God please let this weekend go slow!!! I am no rush to get back to work!!!
I knew I should have saved that last entry. I lost my post for today and had to do it again. Well I had no side effects today Yeppie!!!. I had a headache after I took it last night but that went away and I have been good. I just want that BFP. It is funny that pills that were under ten bucks might give me a baby. I been reading all the success stories online. I would have never heard of it, if I didn’t read a whole lot of blogs. Thanks for people sharing I am on my way to baby success.
Also that lottery ticket I was waiting to scratch. Well I won a free ticket. The fantasy was worth a lot more than the ticket!!!
The boyfriend said he doesn’t understand why I blog. As he said putting all your business out there. This is a man who isn’t into any kind of social media. I respect his privacy but hey I have joined the new generation. I like sharing and receiving comments and possible helping someone else. He is very old school which is fine. I have agreed never to put anything of him online and all is good with us.
He is not the only one I know adverse to the internet. I guess I have always been an open book. Also not many people know I have a blog. I only share the link with people I would tell these things to anyway. Also I love the comments I get from strangers. Especially strangers in other countries I would have never connected with any other way. Most of us share that desire to have children bond. A bond he just doesn’t understand.
I took my second dose of 200mg around the same time yesterday. I had a slight headache yesterday. Well this go round I woke up sweaty again. I guess another hot flash and I had a bad headache. Which lasted most of the day. It just went a way about an hour ago. The two advils might be the cause of my relief. I am hoping all this leads to the big fat positive.
I have been trying to do more research about using soy for fertility. I find more questions than I find answers. Maybe I just suck at searching the net. That could be totally possible. I already ovulate, and a lot of women who take this don’t ovulate or ovulate very late. I ovulate very early, day ten last month.
The twin thing has been in my head lately. I am trying to push it out but it keeps popping up. I can’t talk to the boyfriend about it. He has the usual lame guy answers why are you worried about it. You are not pregnant yet. He has a point but damn humor me for a min. Both our mothers are twins it might be a serious concern.
I just added a video. This woman got pregnant using Soy isoflavone. This video is explaining what she did. A later video announces her pregnancy.
I took my first dose at 6pm yesterday. At first no effect. I did wake up sweaty. I was wondering to myself, did I have a hot flash while I was sleeping. I never had one that I know of to compare it to. I have a slight headache this morning. It is nothing I am using drugs to fix so I guess I am alright. I also took 50mg of DHEA this morning. All in all if I am having side effects they are not that major. I am hoping it continues that way. I spent so much of my life not trying to have a child. Now all that I am doing to have one. It is funny how things change!!!