Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Ex’s of Christmas past!

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This must be the week of my ex’s resurfacing. Another ex called me last night. We are friends and I usually call him every six months or so to see if he is ok.

Well he called out the blue. I was shocked. I told him my plans of moving home and having a baby. He said I should re think this. I told him has he ever known me to not have  plan. I am a very responsible person. I know this short sale is going to ruin my credit. I also know I will never make back the 60K my house is upside down. I know I will never be able to afford a baby in GA. I didn’t need his you need to think about it advise. I know he cares and that he had no malice. None of my decisions were made lightly.

He said I thought you would get married and have kids. My first thought is your ass didn’t want to marry me. What made you think I was so enticing to others. I thought I would be married and have kids also. I am not far from 40 and that shit didn’t happen. So I am moving to plan B. If I have to explain to one more person that this is not how I want it to be, I am going to scream. Thank god for my single mother by choice friends. They seem to be the only ones that understand my position.

I don’t have to justify myself to him. Also he knew I was serious and let it go in a matter of minutes. He said he can’t believe I am moving home. He never thought that would happen. Well damn I didn’t either. I have to do what I have to do.

Everyone is buzzing about the half a billion dollars in the mega million right now. I still play the lottery. Now I am happy to say the lottery dream is not the only way to achieve my dream.

11 years too long

Atlanta cityscape

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I have almost been in Georgia 11 years. Damn those years went quick. I remember when I moved to this state. I really wanted to go to NC. The problem was I didn’t know anyone in that state. The one girl I met didn’t really keep in touch. I was scared to move there and not know anyone.

My cousins were in the Atlanta area. Granted I don’t talk to them now. Which is a long story family dramas. The few cousins I did talk to move. One moved because it was better for her and her kids. The other for a job opportunity. We were roommates for three years.

Atlanta was party central when I first got here. I enjoyed every bit of it. It was great since my college years sucked the big one. Yes I was fat and insecure and lonely during college. I had friends a few male interest. I didn’t party. I missed out on all that. Due to my weight and lack of money to purchase cute outfits. They were not the greatest years of my life at all. I called home several times crying and wanted to come home.

My mother not the most sensitive person didn’t help my drama. She just yelled at me “What the hell are you going to do than”. Not the loving arms I was hoping to run into. I thought to myself I am not going home to this mean heifer I might as well stay.  My mom is one of the reasons I have a degree. Thank you mom!!

I moved here and went to so many clubs and events. I had lost 100 pounds a few years before and these people didn’t know me fat. It was beyond great.

The parties ended. Actually I wasn’t interested in them any longer. That is when I should have bolted from this place. Now looking back that was my moment I should have gotten the hell out.

I hate change. Even thought I needed one big time. I didn’t do it. I regret that so much. If I could have predicted this damn housing crises. I know a lot of people wish they could have also. When I was pushed to the brink, jobless, depressed and alone I was ready to move. It was the worse timing in the world. Right when the bubble burst on the housing market.

I go back and forth about being in this state. It has been my home for 11 years. I will never claim I am a Georgia Peach. I don’t care how long I am in this state. I am a Bostonian. Born and breed and will always be.

I can still leave as people keep telling me. The problem is I do not want to be a landlord. I want to leve here with no ties. Which would not be the situation at present. I am blessed for many reasons. Not content but blessed. I have to keep forcing myself to remember that.

I miss my FAMILY!!

When I moved to Georgia I was running from Boston. I wanted a new life and to get as far away from my family as possible. I actually moved in with a cousin that moved to Georgia a few years before. We had a falling out. Family drama followed me to Georgia. Now looking back where there is family there is possible drama no matter what state you are in. I no longer talk to that cousin. It has been eight years and counting and I have to say I do not miss that relationship.  It took me a long time to realize family does not get a pass. I had family members in my life that I wouldn’t even be friends with if I met them in the street. It seemed that they would do me wrong and use the word family as there get out of jail free card. That card was revoked.

Even thought I no longer had a relationship with that cousin. I had a few other cousins in Georgia that I was close to. One lived with me for several years. They have both have left Georgia and I started to feel lonely. That is how my dog came into my life.

My cousin has come to visit this weekend. I last saw him at a funeral last year. When he came in the door I realized how much I miss him. I am an only child. He is the closest thing to a brother I will ever have. He has always been in my corner as an older brother. This is funny because I am older by three months. I do not have a big family and we are not close in any real way. We do not have family reunions. We don’t converse on a regular basis. You only see our family at funeral. Usually it is funerals and weddings. My family does not have that many wedding sad to say but true.

Even thought my part of family I am close to is very small I miss them. Seeing him today just brought those feelings home. I really thought by now I would have my own family. I thought I would have a husband and children to fill my world. Life is not a predictable thing. Ten years ago when I left the city I was born and raised, I never thought I would miss the things I left.

My ex is back and I have to say I will be beyond a happy camper if it works out. I still have my plan B. I am going to a seminar at a woman’s clinic that has a small reproductive center. They are a fraction of the price of the big reproductive centers here. I need to keep my options open. I am hopeful about this possible relationship. I just no in life there are no guarantees.

Should I go home?

You can never go home again. A phrase I heard in passing. I never understood the meaning. I have been homesick for a while now. I moved away from my home town almost ten years ago. I was so happy to leave. I felt I was drowning in Boston. I always wanted to leave and finally found the courage.

At the time Atlanta was the place to be. I enjoyed my new found freedom. The freedom I found of being on my own. The freedom of not knowing anyone was great. In Boston it seemed like everyone I met was six degrees of separation from my life.

Now ten years has passed and I created a life in Georgia. I have a house and friends that have been there for me. The family I had moved away and left me in this city. When they first left I was cool with it. Now I have been longing for a family connection.

When I do visit Boston I am ready to go back to Georgia after a few days. Boston just seems so depressing. I’m ready to get on the plane to my comfort zone. I am ready to get back to my house with central air and heat. I have been spoiled by my Georgia living. Boston is a very old city with old homes. They do not have the comforts I have become accustomed to.  I wish I could pick up my house and bring it to Boston.

At this point I really thought I would have a family of my own. The glitz of Atlanta has faded. The house I was so proud to purchase in 2003 feels like a noose around my neck. If I was a renter not a owner I could leave this state the way I entered it with no obligations.

My family wants me home. I do miss them and have had fantasies of going home.

The problem is it is a fantasy. Will I be happy in Boston? That’s the million dollar question. Will the missing my family be different when I’m in there face all the time? Will I be able to deal with blizzard conditions? Will I feel like I lost my independence I desperately wanted ten years ago?

No decision will be made today. I have a lot of thinking to do. I do miss my family, but maybe I just need to visit more.