Rock in the hard place!

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (book)

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (book) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The thought of moving home has given me some anxeity. I haven’t lived in Boston in almost 12 years.

I also have other issues I forgot about. A friend of mine has made friends with my enemy. I guess enemy is to strong of a word. I don’t know this woman. She doesn’t like me so I guess I am her enemy.

It all started with a male friend I had since I was 15. We were very close. Never dated. In fact I hooked him up with many of my friends which he took out on dates. As I hear a few he slept with. I never even held this man hand.

I did think he had a crush on me. I am only spekulating because we were only friends. Well three months after I moved to GA he married this woman. To make a long story longer. He never introduced me to her. We were 25 at the time. So this is a ten year friendship. I ran into them in the grocery story and she was not friendly to me at all. That is totally my perception. According to her I was the rude one. He told me after she met me, he was made aware he wasn’t allowed to have any female friends. (Ouch) All that from me saying hello.

What she doesn’t know is he remained friends with me. At least until I moved. Then we lost touch totally. Over the years I tried to contact him. To see how he was doing. I guess this was thought of as an attack against their marriage. Which I had no clue about.

So my friend was working out with this girl. They meet up with their respective spouses. Wow my male friend is this girls husband. Did I mention this friend was one of the people who went on a date with him. Yes awkward to say the least. She never slept with him thank god.

Innocently she gave me his Facebook page information. She didn’t mean any harm and could not have predict the drama that came after. Well I sent him a hello and oh lawd the shit hit the fan. The woman called my friend and read her the riot act. It took a few days but I got a kiss off in very nice words email via Facebook and blocked from his page. I had a feeling he wrote it with her standing over him!! Who knows!!

I haven’t seen this man in 12 years. It isn’t that big of a deal. At least not to me. I was just trying to see how he was doing. Like I did with many people via Facebook. He was my best male friend for 10 years. I don’t know what is going on in their marriage. I do know I have nothing to do with it.

Now I am moving home. My friend is friends with me and his wife. She doesn’t want any drama if she invites both of us to her house for any event. I do understand that. I just have no idea what to do about it. I have nothing to say to this woman.  I don’t want her husband and never did. What happened was innocent and not meant to disrupt anyone’s marriage.

I was truly looking up an old friend. My friend said we would have to work that out. Now that is unrealistic. How can I work out anything with a woman who thinks I am trying to steal her husband. Who I met one time for less than two minutes in a grocery store 12+ years ago.

I told her I won’t say anything to her. But if something goes down not by me I will not sit there and be bashed as the hard up man stealer. If I wanted him I would have made my move years ago. Any one who knows me, knows shy has never been used to describe me!!

I swear I run into drama without even trying!!!

Getting My life together!!

Cover of "One Day at a Time"

This weekend was pretty hard. I finally feel like I am in a positive mood. I started eating the way I am supposed to as of today. So this is officially day one. Presently I weight 194. I am very sad to admit that. I got on the scale and almost cried. My goal is 165. At six-foot that would be an ideal weight. This is a weight I actually will be happy with. So 29 pounds is what I am working to get rid of. My top weight was 280. I hope to never see that again. I also want to exercise. Which as we all know how lazy I am. I am going to work on the food this week. Next week it is get my body moving time.

I am back to finding my ovulation. I also am going to start doing acupuncture every two weeks. I need to get myself baby ready. I am not at the place I can do anything about having a baby. I am trying to take things one day at a time. It is hard because I keep thinking about all that is in front of me.  I am working on being positive once again. The law of attraction is going to get me through all of this.

I am back to working on my negativity issues. I know being positive will get me through a lot.

A) Getting out of this house

B) Moving into a roommate situation

C) Moving back to Massachusetts

D) Getting a long with my mom in a living situation

E) Becoming a Single mother by choice

All of these things are the challenges I have before me. I think about all of them all the time. I need to stop and just focus on what I need to do today. Such as I know I will be leaving this house eventually. Going through all my crap should be first on my list of things to do. That is what I am going to start working on. The rest will fall into place. I am so ready to start the baby making process. I am not ready in any way, finances being the biggest reason. I am trying to align everything in the next eight months or maybe longer to be ready. Oh how I wish I can snap my fingers and make all this happen with ease. Anything is possible!!!

600+ Million dollars!!

Mega Millions logo

Mega Millions logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The lottery is going crazy. I have to say I thought I would be worse. I bought two tickets and I am in the lottery pool at work. I have not had the urge to buy a whole bunch of tickets. I guess I know the statistics of me winning is so damn week.

I did win on one of my scratch tickets. I haven’t looked at what I won yet. It is funny a co-worker 15-year-old son told her she had better odds with scratch tickets. From the mouth of babes. He is totally right in my opinion.

I am so damn happy it is Friday!!! I can’t wait to get off work. I don’t know why I am in a rush. I have a class that starts at 8am Saturday morning. It is a get my life together type of class. So I am going to be there with bells on.

Mr Shitty paints and I will have to hit the bed early for a Friday night!! I keep thinking about Massachusetts. How my life will change and what will happen when I get there.

When I make a choice to do something I want it now. I don’t have an ounce of patients!! I keep reading about women having fertility issues. Women who are younger than I am. I need to stop filling my head with negativity. I haven’t even started the process yet!!

When I get out of my house I am starting acupuncture again for sure!!

Ex’s of Christmas past!

Mega Millions logo

This must be the week of my ex’s resurfacing. Another ex called me last night. We are friends and I usually call him every six months or so to see if he is ok.

Well he called out the blue. I was shocked. I told him my plans of moving home and having a baby. He said I should re think this. I told him has he ever known me to not have  plan. I am a very responsible person. I know this short sale is going to ruin my credit. I also know I will never make back the 60K my house is upside down. I know I will never be able to afford a baby in GA. I didn’t need his you need to think about it advise. I know he cares and that he had no malice. None of my decisions were made lightly.

He said I thought you would get married and have kids. My first thought is your ass didn’t want to marry me. What made you think I was so enticing to others. I thought I would be married and have kids also. I am not far from 40 and that shit didn’t happen. So I am moving to plan B. If I have to explain to one more person that this is not how I want it to be, I am going to scream. Thank god for my single mother by choice friends. They seem to be the only ones that understand my position.

I don’t have to justify myself to him. Also he knew I was serious and let it go in a matter of minutes. He said he can’t believe I am moving home. He never thought that would happen. Well damn I didn’t either. I have to do what I have to do.

Everyone is buzzing about the half a billion dollars in the mega million right now. I still play the lottery. Now I am happy to say the lottery dream is not the only way to achieve my dream.

So lazy!!

Back cover of Barbie booklet about how to lose...

I need to exercise. I heard the endorphins make you feel better. Every attempt I make to exercise I lose interest before that happens. I use to be the fat kid no one picked in gym. My mother is an exercise fanatic. Why couldn’t I inherited that from her. No I get the fat gene that the rest of her family happens to have.

It does suck growing up when you are fat and your mom is skinny. My mother and I are presently around the same weight. She is trying to lose weight and so I am. I wouldn’t call us fat. My mom is 5’11 and I am six feet. I wear a 10/12 and my mom wears a 12. She does have a better body than I do with me being lazy and her working out.

I also need to start going through all my crap in my house. I have been there nine years. I know it will be horrific if I have to rush and do it. Now that I know this house thing is going to take some time I need to get to it. Yet I have no motivation. God help me with my laziness please!!

I know I am giving away my dog. Every time I look in his little face I want to cry. It has to be done. He will have a better life with a back yard and stay at home mommy. The woman who wants him pretty much works from home. I know  my doggie will hate Boston and it’s weather. He is a high maintenance dog. He likes things like central air and grass. Things that do not exist where I am going!!

I need to push through this and do what I need to do. It just seems so hard!!

Depression again!!

I know I suffer from depression. I had doctors tell me it isn’t severe enough to go on medication. I am grateful for that. It still no fun to deal with.

I was so excited about the process of getting rid of my house. Then when I found out I needed to be in default to even be considered. It just took me for a tail spin. I talked to one of my single mother by choice friends. She said it perfectly. I am sick of being responsible. I am responsible for everything in my life. All my choices affect me and only me. I would love a partnership. A co counsel on my life and decisions.

I know it is what it is. Bitching about it won’t change it.  Depression brings food and I know I gained back all I have lost. I know I have lost my sanity with every bite. I have to get it together.

I am going back to my program for food this week. I can at least go back home slim and trim and feeling good. These 30 damn pounds seem so impossible. Just like my unmanageable life. I know some of this is self-created drama. The poor me’s. Other than this blog I really haven’t expressed it to anyone. It just goes around and around in my head. I need to let it out.

On a brighter note I am miss popular on the dating site when I switched it to Massachusetts. I really wasn’t expecting that. It is a bit of an ego boost.

Now I am obsessed with insemination stories on YouTube. THey are mostly lesbian couples. The story have gotten me hooked. Now I am following their pregnancies week to week. I am trying to keep my body ready for when I am ready to do my insemination. I am taking a prenatal, DHEA. I am going to go back to acupuncture when I get out of my house.

I miss the acupuncture. I need to relax, and the acupuncture did help. The DHEA is giving me side affects. I didn’t realize it until my friend mention another friend was dealing with the side affects. I have acne and my hair is falling out. Thank god I have enough hair on my head to go around so it doesn’t make a difference. Also extra hair growth. I haven’t really noticed that thank god.

I bought another scratch ticket today. I am really going to have to work on this!!

Bump in the road!!

Moving Day (book)

I should have known life is never that easy. There is a bump with the short sale. It might take a little longer than expected. It is what it is. I am still all in to make this happen. I know nothing in my life ever runs smooth. It isn’t the end of the world. I have to be a big girl once again!!

My goal is to get back to Massachusetts and have my babies. God is working for me clearly. I asked for a solution and here it is. I know I have to work for anything worth having.

When my mind is focussed I want it yesterday. I have no patience what so ever. It is getting worse with age. When I get back home there will be a part of me that feels free. Free to fall and have someone to catch me. My mother is more supportive of me now then she has ever been. Everything happens for a reason. Growing up I never felt too much support from either of my parents. I felt all my success were despite my parents and not because of them. My grandmother was the one I gave all the praise for me getting far in life.

It seems that god knew what he was doing. My mother and father are very supportive now. My grandmother has long since been in the grave. I want to be a mother. I know I will need them for a lot. Not financial at all. I am in a better position than both of them. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. Emotionally they are there for first time. I thank god for my parents.

My aunt and I are also very close. My aunt and I argue like mother and daughter. She is my mothers twin. It is like having two crazy mother’s. I do love her and appreciate her in my life. Even thought when we argue it seems that I don’t.  Things are working out in his time not mine. I am glad I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on Doctor Dude. I haven’t heard from him in over a week. I been so busy with my life I just noticed that last night. I have no feelings about it. I am going forward with my dreams.

So I changed all my dating profiles to Massachusetts. Even thought it could be 8 months or more away from me moving. Well I got a lashing from a guy saying he would be wasting his time talking to me. With me being in another state did I think a man would wait that long. I was shocked. I guess I wasted his ten minutes of chatting with me on IM. I apologized and updated my profile with my circumstances. I don’t want to hear that crap again.

My mind is in Massachusetts. It is a work in progress to get out of here. I didn’t move here randomly with out a plan. I am not leaving without one either!!!