That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.

I don’t want to wait another month!!!

I finally got the happy face. Yes my method of using the cheap OPK than confirming with the expensive Clear-blue easy works. This morning I thought I was going to get the happy face. The cheap OPK looked like two solid double line. The second line might have been lighter. Well I used two clear blue’s to find no happy face.

I knew I was going to see that happy face soon. I tested tonight the lines were both dark on the cheap OPK. So I used another expensive Clear-blue to confirm. Yeppie a happy face. Now 12 to 48 hours I will be ovulating. I want to put my soy isoflavones to work. I want to achieve the BFP.

Here is the issue the boyfriend is three hours away working. I am hoping he will make it to my house tonight. I do not want to wait another month. I know he has to work. I appreciate he has a job in this economy. Every time I watch the news my heart sinks for all those with no employment. I just need to catch a break. I am going to throw up smoke signals to the heavens to get this man here.

OPK Success

I have some good news to report. I found my LH surge finally. I am not as broken as I thought I was. Boyfriend isn’t in town to take advantage of this surge. He is in VA helping his mom. She is a victim of hurricane Irene. She just got power after a week. He emailed me because there is no cell phone service. I am glad his mom is ok.

So what I did to find the surge.  I tried the regular way for two months.  First with the equate version OPK test from Wal-Mart. That didn’t work. Then I thought because it was cheap I had no success. Next was Clearblue Easy OPK after $40.00 no happy face. I was not happy at all. I followed the directions on the box.  I decided I am not like normal people and those test directions are based on the average woman. Well I am not average which I found out. I found a website that told me to test twice a day. I was not going to spend the money for Clearblue easy to do that.

I went to Amazon.com to look for a cheaper option. I found Wondfo One Step Ovulation kits. There were 50 tests for $10. How could I beat it? Then I went to WEB MD Ovulation calendar to track my fertile period. I also went to Wal-Mart to pick up disposable cups to collect my sample. I noticed is my cycle had changed over the months. One month 28 the next month 23. Web MD uses three months of your cycle to decide your ovulation period. My fertile period was a week earlier than I thought.

I started testing twice a day and got two dark lines. I thought it might be a fluke so I tested it again. I got another dark line. You couldn’t believe my excitement. I still had a few Clearblue easy left and did that test. Finally I got a happy face!!!!

OPK AGAIN!!

Ok Aunt flow showed up again. Now I am going to test twice a day every day until I find that LH surge. The RE said if you have a regular period 90% of the time you ovulate. I am banking on this theory. I have bought the cheap ovulation kits from Amazon. I got a bundle of 50. I also bought 50 Dixie cups to collect my sample.

I am praying I can locate it. I don’t need any more drama. I am holding off on anymore testing until the New Year. I don’t want to start paying a deductible to have to pay it again. Also open enrollment is coming up and I can get the best insurance. I think I picked the middle of the road insurance this year.  When I was picking my insurance plan I had no idea I would be on this baby journey.  It wasn’t even a thought in my mind. Now it is all I think about. Not all but it takes up a lot of brain space.

I also know there are things I need to be working on. Such as the novel that has been in my computer for over a year. Yes the outline is done. I haven’t touched it and still have many chapters to work on. The blanket I was making for a friend’s daughter. This blanket has been in a corner for over a year. I feel bad every time I look at it. I am trying to get motivated, in all aspects of my life.  Wish me luck!!!

OPK Hell!!

Why do I always have issues? Last month I bought the cheap ovulation kit. Those two lines were driving me crazy. I would see faint lines. I would stare at it and wonder what does this crap mean.

It all started when I was in the Wal-Mart line. The ovulation kits were behind the counter. I had to ask the clerk to tell me the prices.  My face must have shown my horror because of the high price. The clerk offered the equate version. I was telling my friend I can’t tell if I ovulated or not. She told me I shouldn’t have been cheap. She must not know me cheap is my middle name. LOL!!!

Clear Blue Easy digital here I come. So this month I bought the famed Clear Blue Easy Ovulation kit.  I am still not happy. I have not gotten a smiley face. I was testing for over a week. The calculations on the box, I have a regular 28 day cycle then I should ovulate around the 15 day. Well that went out the window. I think I am on the 20th day and no smiley face. Where the hell is my smiley face?

Do I need more problems? You know this drives me crazy. Now I am all over the internet for others that didn’t get the smiley face. Here are the few things per the internet could be the problem.

1)    I might not ovulate. Even though the RE told me 90% of the time if I have a regular period I ovulate.

2)    I could be testing at the wrong time. Clear Blue Easy says you can test any time. http://www.Peeonastick.com says you should test in the afternoon or evening or you could miss your LH surge.

Who the hell knows? I know I don’t need any more problems. The Gynecologist told me to chart my period using the basal temp.  I have to have three months of information then we will work on a protocol.

All this crap needs to be easier. All this puts me into hypochondriac mode. I swear nothing can be easy in my world.